All That Remains
by TheEdwardians
Summary: WINNER BEST ANGST 2012 SUNFLOWER AWARDS.  He had it all; perfect wife, beautiful children and a job he loved. Until she walked into his life and turned it upside down. When the dust settles after fate is through with them, who will be left standing?
1. Prologue

Prologue

It was time

It had been over a year and it was time.

I love her. I kept repeating that to myself. I love her. We love each other.

She is the mother of my children. She is my wife. She is my partner. She was my life. I thought she was gone but she is here.

It had been over a year. It was time.

I thought lighting some candles or playing soft music might help set the mood after so long…but that was not our style. Funny, I never thought that was my style. Why did I think of that? Candles? Music? Oh that's right…_her_.

Saying no again was not an option. It wouldn't be right. I love her. She is my wife. It has been over a year. It is time.

I looked at the clock. 10:35 p.m. If I waited any longer she would be asleep and it would be another day gone by and I would be in the same situation again tomorrow night. I put my book down and turned off all the lights downstairs. I made sure all the doors were locked, peeked into nursery to check on the twins, and headed upstairs to our bedroom.

When I entered our bedroom there she was…lying on our bed, under the covers but propped up on the pillows. She wore an emerald green nightgown that displayed her breasts perfectly. She had a book in her hands.

"Hey there," she said, putting her book away.

"Hey yourself," I replied.

I headed over to her side of the bed and sat down. "You look beautiful in this…" I said as I fingered the strap of her nightgown.

"It reminded me of your eyes," she said.

I looked deep into her crystal blue eyes and saw all the years we had known each other. I saw our daughter and son. I also saw the uncertainty. Uncertainty, of what I was not sure…of us? Of me? Of herself? Had I placed that uncertainty there? My guilt started to rear its ugly head. She didn't deserve that. I would have to do better.

I leaned over and kissed her softly. It had been so long. Her lips were soft and supple. They were different. I was different. We were different. I pulled back and looked deep into her eyes again.

"I'll be right back," I said.

I went to the bathroom, washed up, brushed my teeth and got undressed. I looked at myself in the mirror for a few minutes and I wasn't sure I recognized the face that I saw there.

I went back to the bed and got under the covers naked. I always slept naked. Tonight was no different.

I reached for her and touched her face, tracing over her cheekbones and her jaw line. I began kissing her neck slowly and working up to her jaw and mouth. I kissed her deeply, tasting the all too familiar scent that was my wife. I remembered it well. We were hesitant with each other…it had been a long time.

I pulled down the straps of her nightgown, exposing her breasts to me and began a descent of kisses from her mouth to chest. I palmed each breast in turn, slightly pinching her nipples and hearing her moan in response. I knew her body. Every curve and corner. I knew all its secrets; where to touch and how to please her. Yet it all seemed alien to me now. I pulled myself away from such ponderings. I needed to stay focused. I could feel myself slowly get hard when I heard her little noises. We would be ok. I could do this. I love her.

I pulled the nightgown off of her completely and slowly nudged her thighs apart. My left hand slowly rubbing the upper part of her left leg and working its way to the apex of her thighs. I reached her center, placing my fingers on her lips and began rubbing them up and down. I could feel her wetness and placed my thumb on her clit. I rubbed it slowly in a circular motion as I inserted my finger into her. I heard her softly groan.

"Honey please….it's been too long…" she panted.

I drew my hand away and settled myself between her legs. My cock rested at her entrance as we looked into each other's eyes.

"I've missed you so much," she said.

"And I you," I replied.

And then I entered her. Slowly, gently. I thrust into her unhurriedly and set my pace to her … she seemed distance…disconnected in some way. Or was that me? I could feel my orgasm build slowly and as our bodies began moving faster her moaning became louder. I could feel her walls begin to tighten around me and I knew she was close. I closed my eyes and buried my face in her neck. I could picture chocolate brown eyes staring back at me. As I inhaled I could smell the strawberry and freesia scent of _her_ hair. I could feel myself getting even harder and my body reacting to my vision…I moved faster toward my climax and when I came I imagined saying her name loudly in my mind. My body shuddered through its climax as I realized that my wife had suddenly frozen beneath me.

"Are you ok?" I asked her.

She violently pushed me off of her and jumped out of the bed.

"What the fuck was that?" she asked.

"Ah…I'm not sure what you mean…I was making love to my wife!" I said. What the hell was her problem?

"Nooooo," she said, "it sounded to me like you were making love to someone else….do you want to explain to me why you yelled out Bella's name just now?"

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

Dear God, what had I done?


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

I had lived all of my life in Forks, Washington. I have an older brother Emmett and a younger sister Alice. My parents, Carlisle and Esme are good people. Carlisle is a doctor with a family medical practice and Esme is a stay at home mom.

I wanted to be a doctor just like my father. Not necessarily a General Practitioner like he was but a doctor nonetheless. I wanted to help people. Of course choosing a vocation where I could probably make decent money didn't hurt either.

All of my family were ambitious and I was no exception. Alice wanted to design high end clothing, Emmett wanted to be a millionaire before he turned 30 and my mother wanted to be the best mother that she could be while keeping up her love of interior designing from home.

With that kind of ambition in my family it was no surprise that I was taken aback by the new girl who had just transferred to Forks High School. Apparently her GPA was so high when she transferred over that she was on the fast track to becoming Valedictorian of our senior class. A prize that I had had my eye on for the last two years. And she would have been no threat to me at all, except I had had the exceptional idea of taking a shop class my Junior year thinking it would be an easy A. Turns out I am not the sharpest tool in the shed when it comes to putting anything mechanical together. I passed with a C-. My father wasn't concerned…he asked me…'did you do your best?' and I had. 'That's all I could ever ask of son." He said. I was truly a lucky kid to have such supportive parents. They always put things into perspective for me.

The first time I met Angela, the new girl, was in our Advanced Biology class. I will never forget her coming in to class the first day. She was pretty but not obviously so. She certainly was not interested in guys or the drama that usually goes with high school. She wasn't shy, she was very straightforward. But I guess being a military brat would make you that way. Angela had moved around so much her entire life that the word 'home' didn't exist in her vocabulary. Home to her was wherever you hung your hat. And right now, it was in Forks .

We immediately had an attraction to each other…more based on academics and a similarly tuned interest in getting into a great college. We both needed that in order to go onto medical school. Angela didn't know what kind of medicine she wanted to practice either but she was similar to Emmett in her ambition. She wanted to do something unique…something earth moving…as soon as possible. And she figured that med school was the foundation upon which she could build her future to the stars. She also wanted to help people but that was an ancillary consideration to doing something that would get her published or make her well known in whatever field she was in. If you are not the very best at what you do then why do it? That was her motto.

I agreed with her in principle but not in spirit. Still, we always had a lot to talk about. I wanted to go to the University of Chicago where they had a solid science program and a great medical school. Angela had her sights on Harvard or Yale. See a pattern here?

Most of our classes were together our second semester of senior year…we both had all Advanced classes and it was convenient for us to hook up and study together. Spending so much time together of course had other advantages. Our attraction to each other based on our future careers morphed into a very comfortable high school romance.

I had dated other girls in high school but they were all too giddy for me. More interested in the daily gossip than to have a conversation about anything substantial. Angela was different. She was interested in bigger things in life…she made me want more for myself.

After school started again in January I asked her to the winter dance. She accepted. And it all changed after that. We were not our firsts…both of us had slept with a few insignificant others in the past. Our sex life was nice, comfortable, satisfying.

In March both of us received our acceptance letters from our preferred schools. I had only applied to U of C and Angela had been accepted at both Yale AND Harvard. Like I have been saying…overachiever. She wasn't in a rush to decide.

We had never even considered attending the same school. Nor did we do so after we were accepted and with our newly formed relationship. It just was never a consideration. We discussed the fact that a long distance relationship could be the end of us but we wanted to try. And since we both always got what we went after in life we had no doubt that this would be any different.

As our senior year came to an end I had suggested to Angela that we take the summer off to spend time together before being separated and enjoy some time before going to school our first year. Knowing full well that we would both dive into our academic careers with everything we had.

Angela thought volunteering at the local Hospice so she could put it on her resume and get letters of recommendation would serve her better. I didn't disagree. I had just entertained the idea that a little fun before the storm might be nice. So instead I worked for my father for the summer. Angela and I saw each other each night and spent all of our weekends together.

And then it was time to start college.

We made love the night before we left. We whispered promises to each other about keeping in touch through email, IM, texting and calls as much as possible. We of course would see each other on breaks when we both came back to Forks and if we could squeeze time in together during the semester we would try. But no promises. We both had goals and we both wanted the other one to reach those goals. But we were committed to each other and we would make it work.

And we did.


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

My college experience was different than what I had anticipated.

In high school I heard stories from Emmett about the parties, the frats, classes, spring break, drinking and the like. But when I got to college that was not what I experienced.

Angela and I were so focused on our futures that the idea of getting drunk or joining a frat/sorority was out of the question. Not only did the actual activity take away from study time but the aftereffects were also time consuming. So we abstained. And neither one of us ever felt like we were missing anything. I wasn't interested in meeting other women, I had the best one already….just not with me at school. College girls were nothing more than older high school girls. Flighty and interested in parties and campus gossip. Not for me.

So I waited till I could see my girl again. Thanksgiving wasn't a possibility because Angela could only afford to come home once during the year and since she had gotten a job on campus at the medical school assisting professors, there was always a lot for her to do during the break. My parents wouldn't have minded paying for me to go out to the east coast but they wanted to see me too, so they said I could go for Easter instead. And so each year of college pretty much went the same as the first.

Angela seemed to have the same perception of college as I did. And of course she was even more driven than I. What should have been a Christmas break to catch up for us and spend quality time together always ended up with her having brought a huge project home that she had to work on. We still saw each other and spent time together - and of course had sex as much as we could - but that was split with the time she had to devote to whatever project she had.

All the extra work hours and extra projects paid off for Angela. She received additional scholarships and funding each year which helped her save for graduate school and eased the pressure off of her parents in paying for her tuition.

Originally we had agreed that summers would be spent in Forks together where she could work at the hospice and I could work for my father again. But as the first summer approached Angela was offered on campus positions that paid much more and offered far better experience than a hospice. So I also decided to stay in Chicago. We did at least get to visit each other occasionally over the summer.

Her third year of college she applied for a year-long exchange program in Oxford and of course she got it. This meant nearly an entire year without seeing her. I was so proud and happy for her, but felt devastated as well at the prospect of not being with her for such a long period of time.

But we got through that year too. Webcams had just become somewhat popular and so that helped us stay in touch. I wasn't worried that she would meet anyone else. Angela was dedicated and determined. No man would get in her way. Not even me. But I also knew she was devoted to me, to us. I just knew that we, at this point in our lives, were in second place until we established ourselves.

Senior year was better. We saw the light at the end of the tunnel in terms of our four year program. I was planning on staying on in Chicago and she would also stay in Boston. But we had seen the past 3 years work, so we knew we could make medical school work too. Plus, medical school would give us even more things to talk about and concentrate on.

I had decided early on that I wanted to be a pediatrician. Of all the areas of medicine I had studied I kept coming back to working with children. It just felt right. I also figured that if I ever moved back to Forks and worked with my father that it would be a great addition to his practice. With this in mind my last year in med school I spent not only studying but preparing for my first year of interning at the University of Chicago Hospital. It would be grueling but worth it.

Angela on the other hand decided to specialize in infectious diseases with a concentration on epidemiology. I think she dreamed of one day finding a super virus and its cure. Knowing Angela, she just might.

And then it happened.

A couple of months after Angela had come to visit me in Chicago she called me, absolutely frantic.

"I'm pregnant!" she yelled into the phone. "Oh God, what are we going to do?"

"Honey calm down, what do you mean you are pregnant?"

"What do I mean I am pregnant Edward? Really? Has your IQ dropped since the last time we were together? What the hell do you think it means? It means I am pregnant, your sperm has fertilized my egg, I am preggers, PG, knocked up, have a bun in the oven. Are you getting the idea yet?" she screamed in frustration.

"I understand what you are saying honey, I'm sorry….calm down. I meant how can you be pregnant when we have been so careful? Are you sure?" I replied

"Of course I am sure. Do you think I would make a statement like that without being sure? The doctor said nothing is 100% other than abstinence and I guess I failed in that. I am one of the lucky .1% of people who can get pregnant on the pill! I can't fucking believe this! What am I going to do?"

"WE are going to work this out honey. Please don't worry. I know it was not part of the plan but we will figure out something." I told her.

Obviously, we couldn't have a baby when we lived in two separate states. We hadn't discussed marriage before. Once we did start to discuss what we were going to do it seemed obvious. Two people who could make nearly 7 years of a long distance relationship work could surely live together and make a marriage work. Obviously our communication skills were better than the average couple and we both loved each other and didn't want to be with anyone else. Neither one of us believed in abortion nor could we imagine giving up a child for adoption. We could do this. We could do this together.

It was Angela's decision to move to Chicago. The research facilities at the University were top notch and it was less expensive to raise a family in Chicago than it was in Boston. We were both in agreement that neither she nor I would give up our career goals for a family. It would take some work but we would find a way to have it all.

I had already turned 25 so money was not an issue. On my 25th birthday I came into a substantial trust fund from my grandfather. We would be able to afford a home, the baby and anything else we needed.

We would find a way to make it all work. Just like we always did.


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 BPOV

I was born near Vancouver but had recently moved to Montreal, my mom's hometown. Normally a high school sophomore wouldn't be too thrilled to be switching schools in the middle of their formative teenage years. I was thrilled. Although moving to Montreal wouldn't necessarily be considered traveling, it was for me. Finally after all these years I was going somewhere else. Somewhere new.

I had never even been on a plane - or a train for that matter. But I had always wanted to travel. My parents led a fairly conservative lifestyle. My mother, Renee never finished school so she worked at a retail store for minimum wage. My father, Charlie, was a career police officer. He was offered a much better position if he would move to Montreal and so we did. His twenty year-long marriage to Mom definitely helped in landing the job, given how it made him fluent in French over the years. My mother and I were thrilled. Renee was like me in that way, always wanting to travel and never doing it. Maybe I got the travel bug from her. I think I got it from all the books and movies I would watch. Charlie actually had a distant cousin on his mother's side that lived in Germany. But we never went there. Never even spoke about it.

Moving to Montreal meant more money, a bigger house and the ability for Charlie and Renee to help me with college if need be.

Starting at a new school was no fun at all, but getting to know a new city sure was. It was like a whole new world opened up for me. I loved going out with my mother into the city and just walking around. I didn't need a destination. I loved walking by the old buildings, the cafes and the museums. I loved to people watch and imagine what their lives were like. Were they from here? Were they born on another continent? And because nearly everyone in Montreal spoke French I could pretend I was in Europe. So many people, so many stories. And I wanted to discover them all.

My new high school was fine. The kids always treated the new people like lepers until they got to know you and then they loved or hated you. I wasn't a 'klick' kind of person, nor was I a loner. I made a few friends and I met my boyfriend on my first day of class. Well, we were friends first and then started 'dating' as it were. His name was Mike Newton. He was good looking, sweet, kind and athletic. We got along really well and I think I loved him. I think. I mean, how much does a 16 year old know about love? We had done some heavy petting and messing around but I just couldn't bring myself to have sex with him. I was certainly attracted to him and I sort of wanted to, but just before it would get that far I would panic. I would feel scared and unsure if I was making the right decision. Losing your virginity was a once in a lifetime thing and I just wasn't 100% sure that I wanted it to be with Mike. He was a virgin too and respected my decision although I could see that he was, at times, quite frustrated with me. But he never threatened to leave me or break up with me over it. He just kept telling me that it would happen for us when we were both ready. Great guy, huh? And I really believed him too. It did add a little to my guilt about it but he was very patient.

I wanted to go to college but I figured I'll be young only once and I wanted to use my energy to see the world while I could before I had to do school, career and family. I always heard people talk of their regrets and not seeing the world before they got older. Always saying 'next time' or 'next year' and it never happened. That would not be me. I decided to put off college for a couple of years and travel somewhere to earn money for college while seeing something new of the world. I had been a nanny and a babysitter for so many families over the years, both in Vancouver and in Montreal. I asked them all for letters of reference and then I went to an international au pair agency called the Volturi Connection and applied. There was a massive amount of paperwork and hoops to jump through but I passed them all.

For graduation, Charlie had contacted that long lost cousin of his in Berlin, Germany and sent me there for two weeks. The moment I saw that airline ticket I think I peed my paints a little - I know, TMI. But I did. I have never been that excited about anything. Berlin was practically the center of Europe from where I could imagine all different possibilities of traveling to other cities. And even if I stayed there the whole time, I mean, BERLIN people. Germany had some of the oldest cities around and of course let's not forget about the Disney castle!

Well if I wasn't sure that I wanted to travel before Berlin, I certainly was after. I had an amazing time with my older cousin Claudia while I was there. And while we never left Germany she took me everywhere within the country. Each city was more amazing than the other. Did you know that the town of Augsburg is over 2000 years old? 2000! Just wow!

I had promised my parents that I would remain at home until the end of the summer before leaving for any au pair position that I may be offered. I agreed. I wanted to spend more time with my friends and also with Mike. Mike was going to attend Concordia University in the fall.

I continued my nanny/babysitting stints throughout the summer and into the fall. There had been some offers for au pair positions but they were mainly long term contracts. I didn't want my first position to be more than 6 months. I wanted to be able to move on to another family in another area, following my original intention of not only making money but also seeing the world. So I remained in Montreal for the fall. Mike was pleased. So were my parents. I was not. By December I was starting to get antsy and almost considered a family in Italy for 14 months.

The day after I almost broke down and called the agency to take the Italian position, I received a call regarding a possible family from Chicago, Illinois in the US. It was for 6 months and they wanted to do a telephone interview. They had checked out my references and were interested in hearing more about me. The job would start as soon as I could arrange to get there.

The idea of going to Chicago for my first job really appealed to me. I wouldn't need to know another language to start, I would be working in or near a big city which is what I was used to, I would see some of the most famous museums in the world and I could also stay close enough to my home country to make my parents comfortable. It seemed like a win-win to me.

The day Angela Webber Cullen called me was the day I knew my life would never be the same again.


	5. Chapter 4

Chapter 4 EPOV

Angela ended up finishing her last semester out east, transferred to the University of Chicago and we moved all of her things by the end of the summer.

We called our parents and let them know about the big news and how we would be getting married at the end of the semester. They were thrilled for us. Since neither one of us wanted a big wedding, we called my sister Alice and told her to arrange a small ceremony for us with only immediate family. Alice insisted on designing her first wedding dress to accommodate Angela's pregnancy.

We were married in Forks with our parents and siblings present. No friends. No acquaintances. No pomp and frills. Angela looked lovely in her dress and since the wedding was informal, she insisted I wear a simple suit, no tux. My mother and siblings took pictures for us and we had a small cake. A honeymoon was out of the question because Angela had to get back to work and so did I. So we had a honeymoon night at the only motel in Forks - The Meadow Inn. All round, it was exactly as we had planned on and hoped for.

At the end of the semester I tried to get Angela to slow down a bit. I had thought that the last half of her pregnancy might be a good time for her to relax and take it easy. Yea, that wasn't Angela's plan. As soon as she got to Chicago she had already landed a coveted position at the University in her field of interest and was working full time. There was no slowing her down.

I started my internship for residency on July 1st so we both had full schedules. My hours oftentimes had me on call at the hospital for 48 hours and then 36 hours off and then back on again. If emergencies popped up, I had to work that too. So we didn't see each other often. Sometimes it seemed as if Angela's stomach changed dramatically overnight. This was, of course, because we rarely saw each other. So through my eyes, the differences in her pregnancy were dramatic.

We did make an effort to go to the gynecologist together. It was there that we found out we were having twins. Twins! This was the moment when the panic set in on my part. Twins. I knew that once the babies were born Angela had no intention of slowing down. I also knew that as an intern my hours would only get worse. With twins on the way we not only had double the trouble but double the headache. There was no way we could switch on and off for the babies with part time help. We would need full time, in-home childcare. There was no way around that now.

The day after we found out about the twins Angela had already compiled a list of au pair agencies and began her research. The Volturi Connection came highly recommended and after closer inspection seemed the perfect agency. They offered short and long term contracts, the background research was much more extensive than any of the other agencies and they did all the paperwork for you. Applicants were asked to answer questions and write statements about themselves in order to give a more well rounded view of their personalities to prospective families.

Angela poured over the applications for weeks. She wanted someone who was intelligent, highly ambitious, had good family history/background and interested in a short term contract in case things did not work out. She rejected one applicant after another. Until one day she rushed into my office telling me she had found the perfect girl. The girl's name was Isabella Swan originally from Vancouver, Canada. She had excellent grades in high school, no police record, in good health and had traveled to Europe. She had the most stellar reference letters Angela had seen so far. And to top it off, her father was a police officer. As Angela said, how much safer can you get?

But I think what really got Angela was how Isabella answered one of her questions. The agency had all applicants write a Statement of Purpose as to why they wanted to be an au pair. Isabella wrote:

_I can't imagine a more worthy ambition than to leave a lasting influence or impression on a child. And I can't imagine a greater gift than for a child to love you in return. Every moment spent loving, teaching and honoring a child is a moment that could not be better spent in this world. Those moments are returned to the caregiver tenfold because years later a part of what that child has become is due to the person who cared enough and loved enough to dedicate time to that little person. And though that young person may never know whom he partly owes his character and moral base to, the caregiver does, never seeking reward, but ever proud that they have given their best to another person for no other reason than because they wanted to. And it was their honor to do so._

That Statement sealed the deal and Angela called the next day set up a telephone interview. The agency told Angela that they would contact the applicant and request she come in for a telephone interview. They also told us it might be a week or two until they could schedule something. Isabella would be given our file as well and would need to decide if it was a good fit for her.

Fortunately, they managed to arrange it much sooner than expected and two days later we had scheduled the interview and spoke extensively with her. Angela spoke to her on the phone. I trusted her judgment and if they had a good personality fit then I was sure there would be no problem for me either.

Angela told her about the twins, where we lived, our work schedules and what we expected of our au pair, being that we were extremely career focused. Apparently this was no problem for Isabella, she loved children and that was what an au pair did, loved other people's children for however short or long a period of time it might be.

We discussed it overnight and Angela called the agency the next day. She wanted to secure Isabella immediately before another family snatched her up.

The only thing left to do was find our new home. We were living in a rented apartment on the north side but it was a one bedroom and clearly not large enough for a new family with twins. Now that I had my trust fund we could more than afford a large single family home. We would need something with a large yard and extra bedrooms. Most of the doctors I worked with lived up north in Lake Forest and Highland Park. Angela didn't want to live that far from the city and the campus. The commute would take up too much of her time and quite frankly mine as well. So we settled on Evanston. We couldn't get as big of a yard as I would have preferred but the location was ideal for public transportation as well as proximity to campus. We bought a large brownstone with 4 bedrooms and a small yard. Evanston was filled with parks so there would be plenty of walking for the au pair and the children to do as well as the opportunity to spend time in the backyard. Angela was nearly 8 months pregnant by the time we closed on the brownstone.

We moved in just before Thanksgiving and were finally unpacked by Christmas Eve. Both of our families came to visit and stayed for the holidays. It was one of the nicest holidays I could remember. Except for when Angela was called away to work on Christmas Eve and missed out on the big family dinner. She got home after everyone was already asleep and was clearly exhausted. Happy but exhausted. Nothing made Angela happier than her work. And she worked really hard.

Angela's water broke while she worked in her office on January 31st. She called me right away and I picked her up and brought her to the hospital. In true Angela fashion she had already done the research on the most effective and healthiest way to deliver the babies and she made her intentions known to the nurses right away. I would have guessed that Angela would not have wanted any kind of drugs, but she did. She knew it would probably take quite some time to deliver the babies so she figured she would finish her paperwork from the office while she had to wait anyway. She actually finished her work before she was fully dilated! Only Angela…

The twins were born on New Year's Eve. Hannah Grace Cullen was born at 11:11 p.m. and her brother Ethan Carlisle Cullen was born at 11:19 p.m. Ethan was actually a little bigger than Hannah but she pushed her way out first. Just like her mother, she was determined and had to out-do everyone. They were a month early, totally healthy and perfect.

Something dramatically changed in me the moment I held my daughter in my hands. The earth shifted somehow. I know that sounds crazy but it's true. I literally felt something move inside of me. I can't tell you what it was, but it was _something_. Sure, my heart felt as if it would burst, so filled with love for my children. These two tiny beings were mine, completely mine. And it occurred to me in that second that their happiness and everything that affected them would be my responsibility. It was so overwhelming. I had tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat. I just wanted to keep holding them and kissing them all night. I was scared shitless and elated all at the same time.

The birth of our children appeared to affect Angela less so than me. True to her earlier words, she refused to let them slow her down for one day. It's not that she cared less for them; in fact, everything that she arranged for our children was always the best. The best clothes, the best food, the best au pair. She even breast fed for the first month because that was 'the best' for the children. Of course, the twins drank more from the breast pump rather than directly from her breast because Angela had to work. She had also called the agency while she was in labor and requested if Isabella could come earlier. Originally, she was to come the end of January, just in time for the births. With the early arrival we would need help immediately and Angela would not trust the babies to just anyone. The earliest Isabella could arrive was the middle of January so I took off two weeks from work as our maternity leave and took care of our newborns. They were so much work and such a delight.

Isabella was arriving on the 15th of January in the early evening. Since I had the twins' schedule down to a science after being home for two weeks, it made more sense for Angela to pick her up from the airport. By the time they arrived home the twins were already down and I had fallen asleep on the couch. I felt someone nudging my shoulder, "Wake up Edward," I heard my wife say.

"Huh?" I said, "Please not another diaper…" I mumbled in my sleep. I could hear the sound of giggling and that got my attention. I peeled open one eye and saw my wife in front of me with someone standing next to her, just about the same body size too. I jumped to my feet realizing in that instance that I had fallen asleep and was supposed to be greeting our new au pair.

"Ah…sorry….I guess I dozed off," I explained pathetically.

I focused my eyes on the newest addition to our family. As her face became clearer to me I realized she was probably one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen, not in the obvious runway model way that you see in a magazine. It was the kind of beauty that you recognize not only from her full lips, amazing brown eyes and alabaster skin but from the purity of her soul that shown through when you looked at her . It made everything on the outside glow. She had not spoken a word to me yet but in that moment of clarity I _knew_.

I knew that my life had been inextricably altered. She had merely looked at me - and I was _different_.


	6. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 BPOV

I was relieved when I got the call from the agency that the family in Chicago needed me sooner than the end of January. The twins had come early and they needed my help right away. I would have gone immediately if I could but my things weren't packed, my personal stuff needed attending to and my parents needed that last bit of time with me. So I compromised and went two weeks earlier.

Saying goodbye wasn't hard for me at all. Not even to Mike. I realized after I left that it was a sign for me, the reason why sex with him never happened. I loved him, but I wasn't _in_ love with him. We were close friends but it would never be anything more.

I was sad to leave my parents but knew I would see them again in 6 months and with webcams and telephones we would stay in close contact. I wasn't moving to another continent for goodness sake.

However, I was anxious to leave. I just knew that finally getting out in the world would change my life in ways I couldn't yet imagine. I could hardly wait.

I had packed only two suitcases. I figured if I collected items over the months/years I could just send them home in a box. Anything other than a few personal items to put in the room I will be staying in were not necessary. If plans went as they should, I would be moving in about 6 months to another location and I would need to keep things light.

My passport and papers had been in order for months so I wasn't concerned about that. Charlie gave me an emergency credit card and some cash, just in case. I, of course, had my own money as well. And I had opened an account at an international bank that operated in both countries as well as Europe so I would have no problem depositing money and having access to those funds if need be.

My carryon luggage consisted of my laptop, iPod and Kindle. Thank goodness for electronic book readers! They are so much easier to travel with than books. It was all I would need for a while.

I would be arriving in Chicago in the early evening and didn't want to worry about food so I packed some food to take with me for the plane trip. I loved flying. A fact I had discovered on my way to Germany. It was exciting to know that you would be in a totally different place once you stepped off that plane. Not like a car or a train where you can see everything go by. Somehow being on a plane, watching the clouds was like being in the Twilight Zone and when the clouds cleared, there you were.

So I boarded the plane with an electric buzz traveling through my body. I was keenly aware that my entire life was about to change and that I couldn't wait for it to start.

The agency told me that the Cullens would be at the airport to pick me up. They would have a sign with my name on it so I could identify them easily.

As I arrived at the end of the terminal and looked around I saw a woman with brown hair and blue eyes, not much bigger than myself, standing in jeans and a sweater with a small hand written sign that said 'Isabella Swan'. She was attractive without trying to be. I walked up to her and introduced myself. She appeared to be alone.

"Welcome to Chicago, Isabella" she said. "We are so pleased to have you here. I am Angela Webber Cullen."

"Bella," I corrected her, "please call me Bella. And thank you. I am pleased to meet you as well."

"The children are home with their father, we will be driving straight there from here. Unless of course you would like to stop for something to eat."

"No thanks, I ate on the plane." I told her. She seemed, relieved? I couldn't be sure. She seemed nice enough, though I sensed something distant about her. Perhaps she was just distracted. After all, the woman just had twins two weeks ago, she must be exhausted and overwhelmed! I knew from experience that first time parents were 'overly' everything. Overly worried, overly protective, overly germ conscious, overly everything. It takes a lot out of a person to be overly anything.

So we picked up my luggage and headed to the car. The drive home was amazing. It was already dark but you could see the city lights. Chicago looked huge and beautiful with all the night lights and I was itching to go out and explore already. I wanted to unwrap every secret it had hidden in its depths.

The Cullens lived in Evanston, just outside the city in a large brownstone. The place was beautiful but you could tell that they had just moved in. The pictures were still not up on the walls and it just had that never been lived in feeling to it. Angela took me straight to my room first so we could drop off the luggage. Apparently, the basement of the brownstone was all for me. I had not only my own room but an entertainment area complete with a desk, a flat-screen TV and a small couch. It also had a little mini bar with microwave, mini fridge and sink. And of course my own bathroom with a tub as well. I was in heaven. This was something I hadn't expected. To have complete privacy and be set away from the kids. Well, this was unexpected. There was a baby monitor by my bed so I could hear the twins at all times.

We headed back upstairs.

"I wanted to introduce you to Edward but I guess he fell asleep on the couch." She said.

"That's ok, may I see Hannah and Ethan? Even if they are sleeping I just want to take a peek if that is ok." I replied to her.

"Of course!" she said.

We went upstairs where I noticed four bedrooms. The master bedroom of course had its own bathroom. Two of the other bedrooms had a Jack and Jill bathroom and the last one had its own bathroom as well. This is where the twins were sleeping. We tiptoed in the room not wanting to disturb their sleep. The night light was bright enough to illuminate their little cherub faces. They were sleeping in the same bed next to each other and I don't think I have ever seen anything more magical. They were breathtakingly beautiful. I felt a lump in my throat. Newborns were always a joy to take care of, so soft and sweet. And oh that baby smell! I swear I felt my uterus twitch as I gazed at them.

After a short while we went downstairs. Angela said she was going to wake up her husband so I told her I would wait in the kitchen. She insisted that I come with her. She said we all had to get used to living with each other soon so this would be a good start.

Edward was lying on the couch with his mouth slightly open. One leg was on the hardwood floor and the other was stretched out on the couch. His right arm was slung up over his forehead and the left rested on his stomach. The light was on in the room so I could clearly see most of his face. He had sort brownish bronze hair that appeared to be sticking up all over the place. His slightly opened mouth displayed perfectly kissable lips that were full and moved a little with the air that came out of his mouth. Hold on a second, did I just think 'kissable'? His eyebrows seemed to frame his closed eyes perfectly. He had high cheekbones and a couple days worth of stubble. He wore ripped jeans and a T-shirt that looked to have stains on parts of it - probably from the twins I would guess. He looked extremely attractive from where I was standing. Which was just next to but behind Angela. Angela was a lucky woman.

She reached down to nudge Edward's shoulder saying, "Wake up Edward". He mumbled "Huh?" and then "Please not another diaper…" to which we both started laughing to ourselves. It was really cute the way he talked in his half sleep state. Suddenly he jerked up off of the couch saying "Ah…sorry….I guess I dozed off". And that is when he looked me in the eyes for the first time.

He had the most expressive green eyes I had ever seen. He was amazingly attractive. No, that is not correct. He was gorgeous. No, that wasn't right either. Oh hell, he was fuck hot if you want to know the truth. There! I said it ok? I don't think I have ever met a person I would describe as fuck hot before - but he was.

I can't imagine what he was thinking when he met me because as my eyes got bigger at my first sight of him, my mouth dropped open. By the time I realized that I was gaping at him, I didn't know how long I had been doing it. God, how humiliating! I tried for a subtle 'yawn' to explain the manhole that was my mouth at that moment but I am not convinced he bought it.

"Oh sorry, I guess I am just tired," I said as I pretended to stifle my yawn.

"I'm Bella," I said as I reached out my hand to shake his.

"I'm Edward," he said as he met my hand in a firm, warm handshake.

The moment he shook my hand I felt a slight tremor move through my body. I thought at first that maybe it was static electricity until I realized I was standing on a hardwood floor, not carpet. Well that was strange. I didn't know if he felt the same thing I did but it was weird. I held on to his hand a second longer than was necessary. I couldn't help it. I was awestruck and mesmerized. I didn't know what else to say or do. Classic brain fart. God, he was going to think I was a flippin idiot!

Once I released his hand he asked if I had a chance to meet the twins and see the house. I told him I did and that if they wouldn't mind going over my schedule with me briefly I would like to go to bed early as I was tired. I needed to get away from him and go over my thoughts, get myself together.

Edward excused himself at that point, saying he had to work early in the morning for a 24 hour shift and that he would see me in the morning. He welcomed me to Chicago and to their family. Then he gave his wife a chaste kiss on the cheek and went to his room upstairs.

Angela and I went into the kitchen where she showed me around a little, where I could find everything for the kids and then she made us some tea. We talked about what time I was expected to start and finish, weekend hours and cleaning responsibilities. She said they both wanted me to feel at home here and that I should feel free to invite friends over if I wanted to as long as we were respectful and quiet when the twins were sleeping. For obvious reasons she pointed out that no male friends were welcome to stay overnight but that if I wanted to spend the night somewhere I just needed to let them know so they wouldn't worry about me.

I would start first thing in the morning. Angela would actually be leaving earlier than Edward so he would show me the twins' morning schedule and let me know what else I needed to do. I was concerned that I hadn't even met the twins yet and already I would be taking them over without any time for them to adjust to me. But Angela said that she couldn't miss any more work and that Edward had already used up his paternity leave. She also said the twins were really uncomplicated so far and she didn't think it would be a problem. Well, nothing like jumping in with both feet!

I wished her a good night and headed down to the basement. I texted my parents that I had arrived safely and then got ready for bed.

When I finally laid down I couldn't sleep. My mind just wouldn't shut down. I wasn't nervous about being with the twins alone tomorrow. I wasn't missing home or my parents or my friends. I wasn't thinking about Chicago and all the untold adventures that lay hidden beneath its surface. No.

I was thinking about green eyes and body tremors.

I was thinking about Edward Cullen.


	7. Chapter 6

Chapter 6 EPOV

I couldn't get upstairs fast enough. What the fuck was that? When my hand grasped Bella's I felt sort of an electric shock or something pass between our hands. I immediately felt on edge and uncomfortable. I couldn't look in her eyes for very long or I was afraid that she would feel my undeniable attraction to her. She was practically a child for God's sake. I knew she was turning 19 soon but Lord that was so young! I always hated seeing older men with younger women; it always made me think that the men must have a lot of money, otherwise why else would those young women want to be with them? You know what I mean, Hugh Hefner types. Ok, I know nearly 10 years age difference wasn't that extreme but anything under 24 for my age is a huge difference. Just in life experience alone! And why am I analyzing ages here? I am a happily married father of two. I don't look at other women, I don't entertain crazy ideas and I don't fantasize about ripping the clothes off of my au pair and ravishing her body until neither one of us can walk. Wait a second, what did I just think about? Oh God, I am in some serious trouble. I can't have her living in my house if that is what I am going to think about every time I see her. Maybe I can just tell Angela tomorrow that I got a bad feeling about Bella and she would have to leave. Yea, that's it.

No, I can't do that. 'Feelings' are not logical for Angela. If I don't spell the reason out in black and white she will never let Bella go based only on a 'feeling'. She had searched high and low for the appropriate person and she would never risk not being able to work. Somehow I would have to get through this.

Hold on. I know what this was all about. I had probably had some kind of sexual dream or something and when I woke up, the residual feelings of that subconscious dream were still present. When I met Bella she was the recipient of said feelings and that is why I was so uncomfortable. Yes! That was it. What a relief. I had gotten all worked up over nothing.

I relaxed against my pillow and closed my eyes. I had the perfect life and the perfect family. And now we had the perfect au pair to help us.

Why was I scared perfectly shitless right now?

BPOV

At some point I fell asleep and then woke up again at 2:24 a.m. I didn't know what woke me up but I heard something and decided to go upstairs and check it out. I would need to learn the noises of this house if I were ever to feel comfortable here.

I put my robe on over my T-shirt and boxer shorts and headed slowly up the kitchen. I paused in front of the refrigerator listening. I didn't hear anything. I walked into the living room and dining room and paused again. Nothing. Maybe it came from Angela or Edward upstairs, or maybe it was a tree branch scratching against a window? I would have to pay attention during the day to notice the noises of this house. I turned around and headed back to the basement. As I turned the corner I ran head first into Edward's naked chest. I crashed into him so hard that I fell backwards and landed on my ass with a squeak.

"Are you ok?" he asked as he bent down and helped me up by my elbows.

"I'm fine thanks, you just scared me that's all."

"I'm so sorry," he said, "I came downstairs because I thought I heard something. I guess it must have been you. I'm not used to anyone else being in the house yet."

"Actually I came upstairs because I heard something too, so I guess it wasn't me you heard." I told him.

We stood there just looking at each other. Brown reflecting off of green.

He was breathtaking. Looking into his eyes I couldn't think of anything but him…and his naked chest. Oh my, his naked chest. I looked down briefly and noticed how absolutely chiseled and lean he was in the most perfect way. To make things worse - or better - he had a six pack. And his pajama bottoms hung off of his hips, showing off that 'V' that lean guys have, you know what I am talking about. That 'V' that makes you want to beg him to let you pull his pants down? Yea, this was like a dream or a nightmare. In my case of course it was a nightmare. A nightmare that was fast becoming my dream.

I looked back up into his blazing green eyes. We stood there for what seemed like forever just looking at each other. I could feel how I was breathing heavier, almost like I had just done something strenuous. And the fact of the matter was that it was difficult to breathe around Edward. I noticed that he was breathing a little heavier too. Perhaps I wasn't the only one who felt an attraction here? He took a step closer to me and bent his head towards me as his eyes began to lower and his hands reached for my upper arms. This can't be happening.

"Bella" he said softly.

"Yes" I breathed.

"Bella" he said again softly.

"Yes" I moaned.

"Bella" he said a little louder.

What?

I opened my eyes. I was in the basement on my bed and the light had been turned on. Edward was standing in the doorway waiting for my response. He was trying to wake me up!

I sat straight up quickly. "Yes, is everything ok?" I asked groggily.

He smiled sheepishly, "I'm sorry, but the twins are awake and I was trying to wake you up but you seemed to be pretty deeply asleep."

Fuck. Me.

Did I say anything while I was sleeping? Did I make any noises? Oh God, I could just die right now.

"Oh, sorry," I said, "I guess sometimes I talk in my sleep about nothing or at least that is what my parents tell me. I'm a pretty deep sleeper as long as things are quiet. I will get dressed quickly and join you upstairs?"

"Meet me in the twins' bedroom, if that is ok?" he said.

Oh yea, I'd like to meet you in a bedroom.

I shook my head loose of that thought and ran to the bathroom to get ready for the day. I needed to get my head straight and fast. So my employer was fuck hot, he was a married father of twins and I needed to get my head out of my ass and get serious. I had never been so infatuated with a man before. I didn't even know how to get rid of the x-rated thoughts that played in a continuous loop through my head. Get a grip Bella! Do you want to lose your job before you even start?

I grabbed my notebook where I always took meticulous notes on my childcare instructions and headed upstairs to where the sex god was waiting for me. I did NOT just think that! Seriously? Why do I keep thinking things like that? I was seriously in some deep fucking shit and I could only hope I would get out with my sanity intact.

EPOV

As soon as the twins started to move around a little I was awake. I was a light sleeper anyway but since the birth of the twins it was as if my brain was a radio receiver, picking up their signals no matter how loud or soft they were. So before they could voice their hunger or their displeasure at their dirty diapers I got up and went to the bathroom. I wanted to wake up Bella right away so she could go through their morning routine with me and I could prepare her for her first day. I knew it was a little unfair to throw her into the mix so fast but the twins were really easy so far and Angela and I would check in many times during the day the first couple of days to be sure she was ok. Angela had prepared a very detailed list of instructions with phone numbers and directions of where things were in the house so that Bella would have a sort of reference manual if she couldn't reach us. I would need to show her that too.

I ran down to the basement and would have knocked on her bedroom door except for the fact that her door wasn't closed. I could see her face from the basement light I had turned on. She had kicked the covers off of her and she was laying on her side. Her long brown hair was spread out to the side of her and one hand was under her cheek on her pillow. She looked so peaceful and so amazing. I couldn't help but stare at her flawless skin and her smooth long legs. She was obviously dreaming and I could just make out the word 'yes' come out of her lips. I instantly felt myself start to get a little hard. It was the way that she said the word, all breathless and moaning. How I wish I could lay next to her and hear her say it to me and not in her sleep.

I started to feel badly for staring at her in her sleep so I called her name to wake her up. She repeated that word again in her sleep. Oh God. "Bella" I repeated again. "Yes" was her response again. "Bella" I said a bit louder and this time she sat up in the bed, finally waking up. Thank goodness.

I wondered what she had been saying 'yes' to? I couldn't ask her but I really wanted to know.

We agreed to meet upstairs in the twins' bedroom once she got up and got dressed.

I thought about my reaction to her while she was sleeping. It would normally have disturbed me but as I thought about it more I realized again that there was a logical explanation. Bella was clearly an attractive young woman. A man would have to be dead not to notice her at all while she lay sleeping and half undressed, right? And her moaning that little word while dreaming also elicited a reaction that I would not normally have had had she been fully dressed and awake. So I was not worried. We would work out a system whereby she would get up on her own and then I would no longer be confronted with her state of undress and her sexy dreaming.

Denial is not just a river in Egypt.


	8. Chapter 7

Chapter 7 BPOV

I met Edward in the twins' bedroom. He was now dressed in jeans and a shirt to go to work. I asked him to show me where everything was in the room so I would know while he and his wife were working.

"Not so fast," he said.

I looked at him wondering what he meant.

"First," he started, "I would like to formally introduce you to the most important lady in my life, this is Hannah Grace," he said as he lifted her up into his arms. "Now Hannah my love, this is our new friend Bella, and she is going to take very good care of my favorite little girl." He kissed her on her forehead and gently laid her in my arms. She was so precious. I held her and just stared into her eyes. Her eyes had just started to turn colors and I it looked to me like they would be her father's green.

The Edward turned to his son. "And this strapping young boy is my son Ethan Carlisle. Ethan, I am pleased to introduce you to Bella. Always be respectful to women, Ethan. They will always take good care of you if you do." Edward smiled down at Ethan.

I had never seen a man so gentle and loving to a baby before. Clearly I have already waxed lyrical about Edward's good looks but to see the way he interacted with his children…well, let's just say he was quickly working his way up to 'the perfect man' status.

"Let's take them downstairs. They are hungry and they won't start to fuss if we feed them right away." He informed me.

So that's what we did. Angela had a large supply of pumped breast milk along with formula made up and ready in the refrigerator. Edward said that they would be switching over to formula only over the next 2 weeks. He showed me how to heat up everything and how to sanitize them properly. In my experience, every parent has their own way of doing things. None are really right or wrong per se so as the caregiver I adapt to whatever that family wants to do and I take careful notes in order to respect their way of doing things.

Angela was right, the babies were quite easy and they were also still small so they weren't difficult to carry around right now making my job fairly simple. Newborns sleep so much the first couple of months and since they had such great dispositions, it seemed that this beginning stage would be quite an easy transition.

After we fed the twins they fell asleep again so we put them back in their room and I made sure to have the baby monitor with me, turned on high so I would hear any sound they made.

Edward gave me a reference manual of sorts with all the important information and emergency contact numbers. He also gave me a cell phone that they could reach me on at all times set to vibrate and it had a special attachment on it so I could clip it to my pants' waist. That way when it vibrated it would not wake up sleeping children but I could answer. They also got me a Bluetooth because they said with 2 babies awake there would be no hands to deal with a phone. It seemed to me that they had thought of everything.

Edward had to leave for work and said he wouldn't see me until the next day as he had a 24 hour shift coming up. He told me Angela wouldn't be back till probably 8 p.m. or after. They would be calling me more often for the first week until I felt comfortable enough to handle things alone. They also told me to call them as often as I needed if I had questions or concerns.

As he left he pointed out the parks in the neighborhood to me and where the stroller was. He left me the keys to the brownstone and told me they would eventually also be giving me keys to an extra car so that I could have more freedom on my own. They wanted to wait on that until they had a chance to show me around the city.

I had to admit that I was anxious to get into the city but I knew that would have to wait a few more days until I had my day off. I already had big plans for my day off. With a very special person as a matter of fact. With me, myself and I. Ha!

I thanked Edward for everything. They had really gone out of their way to make me feel comfortable and taken care of and I greatly appreciated it. He ran upstairs one last time to give the kids a kiss goodbye while they slept and then ran out the door to go to work.

What a guy. I sighed to myself just thinking about him. He was what you'd call the 'whole package' in terms of men. The kind you only read about in books. He was a doctor, obviously smart, loved his children, had money by the looks of it, in love with his wife too I imagine, and was fuck hot. I know I have mentioned that already many times and I am going to keep saying it. There are no other appropriate words for his looks and well, deal with it!

I locked the door he had exited through and went to quickly check on the twins. They were still fast asleep. Little angels. There goes my uterus again.

So I went downstairs and fixed myself some breakfast and picked up the kitchen a little. Then I decided it was time to unpack and get myself organized. That took about 2 hours and just as I finished hooking up my laptop I heard the little angels making cooing noises on the baby monitor. I went upstairs and collected them, changing them first and then bringing them downstairs for their feeding.

I had never been around such easy newborns. I still hadn't heard them cry yet and I was concerned that this was the big calm before the storm. It seemed to me that they had a very strong connection to each other which helped to keep them calm. And I don't know if it was wishful thinking or if I imagined it but I felt the strangest connection to them right away. Their little eyes followed me as much as they could and they seemed to settle quickly when they were in my arms and I would hum or sing or talk to them. As if they were entranced by my voice. Maybe they were really just easy babies, but I liked to think it had something to do with me.

After they had eaten I talked to them a bit and told them where I was from and that I loved traveling. They followed my voice around the kitchen as I cleaned up and put things away. After a while they started falling asleep again so I took them back upstairs. And they slept again.

I booted up my laptop and sent out some emails, keeping everyone in the loop on how I was doing, where I was and what the Cullen family was like. My dad, ever the worry wart, wrote back to me right away, warning me that if 'that father makes any inappropriate advances towards you I expect you to tell me immediately!' What I wanted to tell him was, 'Dad, Edward hasn't made any inappropriate advances toward me and probably never would with my luck. But to be honest, recently I have been wondering what it would be like to bang the shit out of him because he is fuck hot and also the perfect man and now that I think about it I would love it if he would be the one to pop my cherry.'

Too much information you think?

Yea, I'm thinking that wouldn't go over too well.

I also got an email from Mike. I realized when I saw his name in my inbox that I hadn't thought about him once since I arrived. I probably should have texted him right after getting here. But I hadn't thought about him once. What does that say about your boyfriend? I mean, technically we weren't boyfriend/girlfriend anymore but only because we both thought that with the long distance it wouldn't be realistic. And now that I hadn't thought about him and realized what that meant, well, I also realized what a good decision we had made by cutting it off before I left town.

I spent some time online researching things to do in Chicago and decided on a plan of action for my first day off. I was going to walk up and down Michigan Avenue, explore Millennium Park and Grant Park and head out near Lake Michigan and just take in the city, no destination, just explore. I would be able to establish my next plan after seeing what Chicago had to offer.

The rest of the day was much like the beginning. Every 4 hours or so the twins would wake up, I would change them, feed them, entertain them a bit and they would fall asleep. The only difference in the early evening was that I took them in the stroller for a walk. It was unusually warm for January so I bundled them up, put them in the double stroller, got the keys and went on a walk in the fresh air. I could tell the twins loved it. Their little cheeks were all rosy red when we got home and they actually slept an extra hour from getting all that fresh air.

Around 8 p.m. I bathed them and fed them again and put them down for the night. Angela got home about 8:45 p.m. She looked really tired. Although we had talked throughout the day she still asked if I was ok and how things went. She told me I was doing a great job and then she ate a sandwich and headed to bed. I wouldn't see her in the morning because she would be off early again but she would see me in the evening. She went into the twins' room and gave them a kiss goodnight and then went to bed.

I slept with the monitor on my pillow so I would be sure to wake up the moment they made noises. Believe it or not they actually slept through the night and were awake at 6 a.m. I rushed upstairs in my pajamas. They weren't crying, just making noises. And we started our day again. Angela had already left for work.

Edward got home from work late morning around 10 a.m. Just in time for when the twins woke up to eat. He insisted that I let him take over and put them to bed again so that I could have some time to myself and that I could take over after they woke up again. Which I did. Edward had fallen asleep on the couch shortly after the twins did. I could tell how tired he was. Dead on his feet was more like it.

He got up in the early evening and started cooking something for us to eat. I was in the basement but I could smell the food cooking. It smelled great. I officially had the rest of the evening off but since I was new and didn't have any friends yet I didn't really have anything to do. So after dinner and after we fed the twins and they went to sleep, Edward showed me where all the DVDs were, how to work the cable box with all the movie channels and how to operate the stereo. I grabbed a couple of movies and went downstairs and he went to bed again to catch up on his sleep. He told me to turn the monitor off until the morning. Angela didn't get home till after 9.

I didn't tell him but I didn't turn the monitor off. I felt bad for him. They both worked so hard and he looked so tired when he came home. Surely the point of me being here was to ease their burden and the twins were so easy I didn't mind putting in more than my contracted hours. I kept the monitor on, intending to be up first in the morning so that he could sleep in.

But that is not what happened. In fact, it never happened that I could beat Edward in getting up earlier. I never heard the babies cry or make any big noises and still I would wake up each morning when he was home, to find him talking to the twins or humming or singing to them. It was so sweet and endearing. I knew that although what he was saying and doing was very innocent it was also a breach of his privacy. He didn't know I was listening and I knew it was wrong of me. But I couldn't stop. I loved the soft timbre of his voice and I would get a lump in my throat when he cooed to them how much he adored and loved them. I was so affected by the love he had for his children, it became my favorite thing to listen to on days that he was home.

The first week went by perfectly until the day I was supposed to have my day off. That day Edward was supposed to have the day off and Angela would be working. But there was a huge pile up on the interstate and all available doctors had been called in to the emergency room so Edward was gone all day. There was no replacement for me and Angela was not able to leave her job for the day. It wasn't that big of a deal. I would be in Chicago for the next 6 months, what was one missed day off?

They apologized profusely to me and promised me a day off two days later. Which I did get. Only it rained all day so I went to the Chicago Art Institute for the entire day. It was right on Michigan Avenue, next to Lake Michigan. Wow, what a gorgeous museum. I spent all day there. Then I spent an entire hour just looking around their bookshop. They had the most amazing card and journals there with artist names and pictures on them. I bought a journal and decided to keep track of my time in Chicago as sort of a travel diary.

Faster than I realized an entire month had gone by. I think I spent a total of 3 hours with Angela the entire month. None of us ever saw her. Sometimes I would hear her on the monitor in the twins' rooms. She never spoke to the children directly. She would go in the room and I could hear her kiss their cheek or forehead but she didn't talk or sing to them like Edward did. I thought it was so odd that she seemed not to display any maternal emotions around them. I had a fleeting thought that perhaps she had post partum depression. I couldn't be sure but I decided to keep an eye on her just in case my fears proved to be true.

I didn't see much of Edward either. When I did he always wanted to spend every extra moment with the twins and I didn't want to disturb that. On my evenings off he insisted that I either go out and do something fun for myself or that I lock myself in the basement so I could get some alone time in.

Every week as the twins grew they required just a little less sleep and became just a little more active. Soon they would be quite a challenge to keep up with. I knew that soon I would have my hands really full.

Despite the fact that I didn't see Edward much, when I did, my eyes followed him everywhere. They caressed everything he touched, everything he said and fantasized about him one day saying words of love to me. Then I would shake myself out of my lustful haze and start doing something that required my full attention so that I wouldn't get sucked into a ridiculous fantasy.

Working for the Cullens was a really nice and comfortable experience. And if it wasn't for the fact that I had inappropriate fantasies about the patriarch of the family, it would have been the perfect situation. I absolutely adored the children, that was for sure.

After the first month of working for them I realized I needed to meet some people so I could really get away on my days or evenings off. So I joined a couple of book clubs, went to the library and really took an active interest in meeting some people my age.

I made my first friend on my second visit to the museum. It was in front of a picture in the shape of a trapezoid. The picture was all white, nothing painted on it at all. And instead of a frame around it, it was outlined in black. That was it. This was something that was obviously considered 'art'. I didn't care so much for abstract art and had a fleeting thought that if this picture was considered so great, hell I could be an artist too then! I heard other people raving about it, but I didn't understand it. I heard a voice behind me say 'whatever'. I turned and looked at a very tall young man, around my age I guess, who also had a perplexed look on his face. He looked at me and apologized.

"For what?" I asked him.

"For not getting it," he answered.

I started to laugh and told him I didn't get it either. From there we started to talk about what we were doing there, if we liked art and why, you know, questions where you really start to get to know someone else from scratch.

"Would you like to go across the street to Bennigans and get something to eat with me?" he asked.

"I'm sorry, I really can't," I told him.

He looked so shattered. "I understand." he said sadly.

"Unfortunately, I can't go anywhere with someone whose name I don't know." I told him.

He looked up and smiled. "I'm Jacob Black and I'd love to take you to dinner."

"Hi, I'm Bella Swan."

And that is how I met my first friend in Chicago.


	9. Chapter 8

**A/N**

**We would so appreciate any reviews you may have on our story. Since this is our first go on fanfiction any reviews or constructive criticism would be much appreciated.**

**Enjoy and have a great weekend!**

Chapter 8 EPOV

The last four weeks had been great. Bella seemed like she was fitting into our schedules just perfectly. She was an uncomplicated person and she seemed quite fond of the twins already. Since I respected my wife's wishes to further her career, all I wanted was for someone to be there for my children who would not only take care of them but also to care for them - genuinely. And to that end Bella did an excellent job.

Angela and I still hadn't gotten to know Bella very well. Quite frankly, the work hours for both of us were so hectic that what little time we had was spent either with the twins, shopping for groceries or sleeping. I did want to try to slow down so that I could get to know Bella more, after all she was caring for my children and other than what I had learned from Angela, well, I didn't know anything about her. After my initial reaction to Bella I didn't go out of my way to spend what little time I did have with her because she made me nervous. I didn't want a replay of any of the feelings I had had the first couple of days she was here. Since that time there had been no time for any untoward thoughts about Bella. Though I did, on occasion, have a flash in my head of how she had looked laying in her bed with her beautiful long hair resting over the pillow. I always pushed those kinds of thoughts to the back of my mind whenever possible.

I also believed that one of the reasons that I found Bella so attractive was 'cause I hardly saw Angela anymore. She had been promoted at work and was making some amazing headway in some important research. We were like ships passing in the night. I can't remember the last time we kissed more than a peck on the cheek. Certainly not since well before the twins' birth. I would have to talk to her about making some alone time for us soon.

I also needed to arrange for another day off of work so that I could relieve Bella for a day. I had been called in on some emergencies over the last couple of weeks and Bella had filled in like a trooper despite the fact that she worked tirelessly and non-stop while she was on the clock as well. I felt bad that she had had no chance to make any friends or see the city more as she had hoped.

Yesterday I was able to give Bella the good news that I was taking the next day off and that I expected her to be gone all day and enjoy herself. She mentioned that she was taking the El into the city and that she wasn't sure when she would be back but it would be sometime after dinner. She ran up to the twins' room before she left to kiss them goodbye before she left. She really did love my children. It felt good to realize that.

Anyway, I spent the day with the twins and it was so nice. They were more work now but still, they were great babies. I was a very lucky man. Around dinner time I heard the front door open and I could smell the scent of strawberries waft through the hallway; Bella was home. I heard a male voice. Wait a second, a what?

"Thanks so much for the ride, I really appreciate it Jacob." Bella said.

I walked into the hallway to see who she was talking to.

"My pleasure Bella. You made a really boring day something special. So 8 o'clock on Friday?" he asked.

"I look forward to it! Drive safely!" she said. And then she closed the door. When she turned around to head down the hallway toward the basement door she saw me standing there looking at her.

"Oh, hi Edward. Is everything ok with the twins?"

"Ahhh…yea….ahhh…yes everything is fine. Did you have a nice day?" I asked her.

"Well, it was ok. Until I met someone at the Art Museum. Then it turned out to be nice." She replied.

"Whom did you meet?" he asked.

"A guy named Jacob Black. We were looking at the most ridiculous piece of artwork and were commenting on it and I don't know…we just sort of hit it off so we went to get something to eat together and he drove me home." She explained.

"Do you think it was such a good idea to drive with a stranger?" I asked, feeling protective all of a sudden.

"Well, it's definitely not my style and I usually am a bit more paranoid but I followed my instincts on this one tonight and I just have a good feeling about him. My instincts have never been wrong so far," she said, "I hope it was ok that I had someone drop me off at your home?" she wondered.

"Of course Bella, we want you to feel like this is your home. I was just concerned about you getting into a car with a complete stranger." I told her.

"We actually spent most of the day and evening together and before I got in the car with him I texted his license plate number and name to my friend at home just in case." She said.

Wow, that was a great idea actually. I didn't know what to say to that.

"Oh, okay," I mumbled.

"I'm on duty early morning with the twins so I am going to watch a DVD and then head to bed now," she said to me. "Goodnight Edward."

"Yea, goodnight Bella."

I was still irritated. Irritated? No, I was angry. I was angry? No, I was jeal… stop it! No, I was not and I wouldn't even think that word in my head. There was no place for such a thought and I had no right even if there was. I was concerned for her welfare only and that was why I had questioned her. I was happy that she had met someone. She deserved to have friends. Friends? Come on, that was no friend, that was a potential boyfriend. They were going to see each other again on Friday. Maybe she would spend the night at his place after their date and maybe she would let him kiss her and touch her and hold her. What the hell was wrong with me? I must stop this train of thought. Snap out of it Cullen.

It had only gotten this bad because Angela and I haven't been intimate in months and I missed my wife and having sex. Sure Bella is attractive, but if I were getting it regularly I wouldn't be so hard up now to obsess about the young and beautiful woman in my basement.

Well, there was no way I could fall asleep now. I was all worked up. Angela would be home soon though; maybe we could take care of my problem then.

I checked my phone, no messages from Angela. She was really late tonight. I felt bad for my wife. As much as I knew she loved her work I also knew she was missing out on our life together, the twins and just having some down time. I made myself some tea and sat down on the couch to watch some TV.

What seemed hours later, Angela finally came home and woke me up so we could go upstairs together. She looked tired as usual but with a bit of a light in her eyes. Apparently they had had some kind of a breakthrough at work and she was excited. Then she told me what they had planned at work because of the breakthrough. If I thought her schedule was impossible before, well, the new one was suicide. But she didn't complain. She was looking forward to it. She might even be able to collaborate with a colleague and get published. It was what she had always wanted for herself.

As we laid down in the bed I reached for her. She hesitated for a moment and then apologized because her doctor had told her to wait 6 weeks after the twins were born and she hadn't had time to go in for her check up. I would never want to hurt her in any way so I retreated and she fell right to sleep.

Sleep did not come to me easily that night. I decided to get up and take a hot shower, hoping for it to relax me. But as the water cascaded down my back I felt myself get hard without any intention of stopping. I grabbed my cock with my right hand as I placed my left on the tiled wall. I stroked myself up and down, faster and faster, thinking about all the times that Angela and I had made love, fantasizing about her showing up at the hospital and us going into a room or a closet somewhere and hiking up her skirt. Kissing her soft lips and ripping open her shirt so I could touch her breasts, squeezing them until her nipples hardened. All the while kissing her, until we were both breathless. I gripped my cock harder, stroking faster and imagined my hand going up her skirt where she would be pantiless and freeing myself from my scrub pants, hiking her legs around my waist I would plunge into her without ceremony, feeling how tight and ready she was. I jogged her up and down my hard length, hearing her moaning and panting my name the whole time. And as I finally reached my climax I sighed her name in complete and utter ecstasy, "Bella". My heart beat frantically in my chest. I had shocked even myself with whispering that name aloud. I had been thinking of Angela in that fantasy, how did Bella's name come out of my mouth? I had just had an orgasm saying the name of a woman other than my wife. This went beyond mere fantasizing. Not even I could justify this away as I had before.

I stood under the water until it ran cold. I truly did not know what to do. I hardly knew the girl and it seemed that her thought took over every extra minute I had when I wasn't at the hospital or tending to my children.

I had never been in this kind of situation. I didn't know how I felt about Bella, I didn't know if I was having some kind of quarter-life crisis. I just didn't know anything. What I did know was that I was in deep trouble if I didn't take evasive action - soon. This obsessing just was not ok. I didn't want to lose my wife or my children and I surely would if I allowed anything to happen with Bella. That was not the kind of man I was. I had always found extra marital affairs abhorrent. If a man wanted to have an affair then they should end the relationship that they were in right away. It wasn't fair to any party involved. I would do no such thing.

And let's face it. Even if I didn't love my wife, which I did, Bella was too young to know what she wanted in life or in love. I would not be the man to ruin such a sensitive and kind being. And ruin her I would if I, as a married man, acted on these feelings I was having.

No, the only thing to do would be to ignore her to the best of my abilities. She was only working with us for 6 months. I would be sad to see her leave because she was amazing with my children but that was all.

For the next au pair, I would demand a video interview first. I would be damned if I would allow lighting to strike twice in my house!


	10. Chapter 9

Chapter 9 BPOV

The first month lead into the next month and into the next and soon I had been with the Cullens' for 4 months. I really enjoyed my job. They gave me a lot of freedom in their home and outside of it. I loved the kids and Angela and Edward were really nice to me.

Because their schedules were so out of control and because I was taking on so many extra hours (which if the agency found out they would have yanked me out of this job) they engaged Edward's sister Alice to help out a couple days a week so that I was not running around the clock interference. Alice was great, she was fun and intelligent and she loved the twins. She seemed to know what kind of trouble the twins could get into before they did! It was really uncanny at times. Alice was in Design school but she was taking a full load of classes so she had some extra time.

After a while, we started hanging out together once in a while when either Angela or Edward had the twins and we were both off. Sometimes we would go to the movies, sometimes we went out to eat…mostly we talked school, travel and of course, MEN. I never even hinted about my attraction to Edward…in my mind Edward was really the perfect guy. Someone a girl like me could only hope of meeting one day. He was off the market and had a family. But he was definitely my idealized version of what I wanted. But talking about it to Alice would have been just…wrong. After all, he was her older brother.

I introduced Jacob to Alice once when we went to the movies. All three of us actually hit it off. She would tease Jacob mercilessly about all the girls he dated and how he never seemed to go out with one more than once. He always said it was because he knew what he was looking for and if he didn't find it with a girl right away then why waste either one of their time? I could sort of see the logic in that. But don't deep feelings and respect grow after being with someone for a long time? It certainly hadn't happened for Mike and myself. Maybe Jacob was on to something.

One Saturday night when I had the night off and Edward and Angela were both home for a change, Jacob had invited me to a fraternity party at Northwestern University. It was at the Theta Chi house and I thought it would be fun for Alice to come. I didn't want to go only with Jacob…what if he hooked up with someone there? Then I would be a third wheel.

Jacob was picking us up at 8 so we could get something to eat first…lay the groundwork he said….before heading over to the house. Alice came by early to get ready together. She brought me one of her cute outfits since I basically only owned jeans and t-shirts. She brought me a short jean skirt with high red heels and a really cute tight while blouse. It was attractive and cute without being slutty. She helped me do my hair and actually talked me into wearing some makeup. On our way out the door to meet Jacob, Edward came downstairs with Ethan in his arms.

"Whoa…where are you two ladies off to?" he asked.

"Like I am going to tell my brother where I am going out on a Saturday night….duh!" Alice scorned at him.

"Well, be really careful whatever you do. No drinking and driving!" He said to us.

"God Edward, knock it off…you are not my father! Stop acting like dad!" She raised her voice.

"Alice, stop being so selfish…that wasn't just for your benefit. It was for Bella as well. As a foreign national working here she could get in trouble if they catch her drinking and driving!" he said.

"Fine, fine…we wouldn't want to jeopardize your slave labor!" She retorted.

I flinched at that comment. Both Alice and Jacob made comments on occasion as to the unfairness of what was expected of me from the Cullens. What they didn't understand is that I was doing what I wanted to do, I loved helping people and I didn't really mind. Honestly. Besides, the more time I could spend with the twins the better. I only had two months left and who knows what kind of kids I would be taking care of next? I didn't even like thinking about leaving.

Jacob was there right at 8 and we jumped in his car. We decided to take a detour into the city for pizza at Gino's west. We figured a frat party didn't really get started till after 11 p.m. anyway.

After dinner we headed over to Theta Chi house. You could hear the music blarring from 2 blocks down…a fact we realized because that is how far down we had to park the car from the house. To protect us, Jacob said we all had to make a pact…no one leaves the frat party until we all go home together. Jacob was finishing up some antibiotics from the virus he had the week before so he couldn't drink…therefore he was the designated driver tonight.

The first hour there was just strange. So many people you didn't know and yet you could see how people were pairing off rather quickly. And the amount of alcohol and games involved in ingesting it were amazing. I have never seen so much alcohol being consumed in such a short span of time. Technically I wasn't old enough to drink in the USA but frat parties didn't card so I could indulge. I had never been a huge drinker but they had lots of sweet flavored drinks that were quite good where you couldn't really taste the alcohol. Alice and I were drinking some kind of pink colored concoction. Neither one of us had seen Jacob for at least an hour. He had probably found a new hussy to play with.

Alice went to the bathroom and while I was waiting for her in the kitchen a nice looking guy with dark hair approached me. We looked at each briefly and both said 'Hi' at the same time.

Smiling at me he asked, "So where have you been all my life?"

I scrunched my nose up at him with a half grin "Really?" I said "That's the best you got?"

He started laughing and agreed it was a bad line. He introduced himself as Tyler. We talked for a while. I guess he lived at the house and was a political science major. He was from San Diego and had a hard time getting through his first winter in Chicago. After a while I noticed that Alice had been gone a long time. I excused myself from Tyler and went looking for her. I felt pretty tipsy as I walked through the house but I did find Alice pretty quickly. She was making out with some dirty blonde haired guy just outside the bathroom door. I tapped her on the shoulder and cleared my throat.

I must have startled her because she apparently bit down on the guys' tongue making him scream out load and the 20 people around us all stopped and started staring at the commotion.

"Alice! Whad da hell!" he yelled.

"Oh shit, Jasper I am so sorry…are you ok?", she asked. Then she turned to me "Jesus Bella, did you have to scare the shit out of me like that?"

I was giggling a little bit till I realized that this Jasper guy seemed to be in quite a lot of pain. "Sorry" I said to him. He nodded his head and said to Alice "I'm gonna take auth Alith…thorry but it weely huuts."

"I am so sorry Jasper. Will you call me?" she asked.

He nodded his head yes and took off. We looked at each other and started laughing. I did feel bad for the guy but how many times does that happen? We stayed a little longer talking to a few more guys at the house and danced a little. Around 3 a.m. we all decided to leave. Well, at least Alice and I did. We hijacked Jacob into taking us home, we found him in one of the bedrooms upstairs mashing with some skank on the couch in the room. I say skank because I know I saw her messing around with some other guy earlier downstairs.

By the time we got home it was almost 4 a.m. Jacob dropped off Alice first and then me. He told me he would call me the next week and I went into the house.

I snuck in quietly not wanting to wake up anyone. I would normally have considered checking on Ethan and Hannah but after drinking alcohol I didn't think it was a great idea. As I tiptoed down the hallway and turned the corner to go to the basement I tripped over one of the twins' toys in the kitchen and landed flat on my face with a loud 'fuck!".

I heard the pounding of feet coming my way from the living room. It was Edward.

"Oh my God Bella, are you ok?" he asked frantically.

I moaned in pain, "yes I'm fine, I just tripped on something." I answered.

"Here, let me help you up.." he said.

I let him help me up because I was tired and I was tipsy and quite frankly I just didn't care…it was late and falling on my face in a short skirt and high heels in front of the perfect man wasn't my idea of a good time. If I insisted on getting up myself he would stand up and therefore see me sprawled out on the floor in all my glory. No, I would stay where I was and let him help me up.

Big Mistake.

The moment he touched my arms to help me roll over and help me up I felt it. I felt what I had felt all those months ago…the last time he had touched my skin. Tremors. Electricity. Whatever the hell it was. I had never felt it before or since and it always happened when he touched me. I wasn't imagining it. That first time I thought I had made it up in my head but I realized I hadn't.

After I stood on my feet under my own steam I became very self conscious. I noticed everything about him in that moment. How he smelled clean and sexy…please don't ask me to describe how someone smells sexy…he just does. His breath on my face was heavenly and the way he looked at me with such tenderness and concern. He was slaying me and he didn't even know it. He was breathing a little heavier. I imagine because he had rushed over and helped me up. And as I thought again about how nice his breath smelled I froze. Breathe. Oh dear God spank me…I must reek of alcohol. Shit!

"Aaaahhhh, thanks. Sorry if I woke you. I guess I didn't actually leave my clumsiness in Canada, it appears to have finally found me." I mumbled.

"Are you sure you are ok?" he asked again.

"Yea, I'm fine" I answered. I was very aware of the fact that he hadn't let me go yet.

"I should go to bed, it's late." I said.

"Yea, you're right." He said.

And with that he suddenly released my arms, turned on his heel and walked away, back through the hallway and upstairs.

As I watched his form walk away I realized he hadn't had a shirt on and it looked like he just had pajama bottoms on. He practically looked like he had in my dreams. Only in real life he was truly much more yummy than I had conjured up in my dream. I licked my lips. Damn was he fuck hot.

I groaned half out of frustration and half out of mortification. I ran down to the basement and into my bedroom and got ready for bed. I turned on the baby monitor and headed for the bedroom.

"What am I going to do you guys? I am in so much trouble!" I heard Edward say through the monitor.

I stopped in my tracks. Huh? What was he talking about?

I listened intently. Silence. I could hear his breathing and what sounded kind of like pacing.

What was wrong? Why was he in trouble? Why was he so upset?

I hoped it wasn't anything serious. I didn't like to see Edward distressed.

I feel asleep almost the second my head hit the pillow. It had been ages since I had stayed up so late and I was really exhausted. I had to watch the twins in the early afternoon so at least I could sleep in. I dreamed of green eyes and sex on legs.

I dreamed of Edward Cullen.

**A/N**

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	11. Chapter 10

_**I want to thank those people who have left reviews. Although we don't write the stories just for reviews it does help us and motivate us to continue with our efforts. So thank you!**_

_**The biggest thank you though is for my partner in crime Parama who also not only came up with the original story idea but is the beta, the support system and just an all around great friend. Thank you my dear friend!**_

_**On to the story…we hope you like it as much as we do…**_

Chapter 10 EPOV

Alice had decided to come over tonight to help Bella get ready to go out. I guess Jacob was picking them up 8 p.m. and they were going to a frat party somewhere at Northwestern. I didn't like the idea at all. Not for my sister and especially not for Bella. I was glad that she was finally getting out there and having some fun but I had heard so many nightmare stories about frat parties that I was afraid for the both of them. And I can't even tell you how many college kids came into the hospital for alcohol poisoning or drug overdoses from frat parties.

Of course Alice shot me down for being overprotective but I couldn't help myself. I didn't really know Jacob so I didn't know if he would watch out for either of the girls. I wished that I could go with them or follow them there just to make sure they were ok.

Besides the fact that they were going to the party, Bella was dressed like I had never seen her before. A short skirt with high heels and a blouse; was she purposely trying to kill me? Her legs went on forever in the skirt. She also looked more like a woman with just that little bit of makeup and her hair done. It was a subtle change. I wouldn't say she was more beautiful, no; she just looked a little more mature.

She looked mouthwatering. I know that sounds like an odd description but she did.

At 8 p.m. Jacob arrived and they all left. Angela and I watched a movie and then headed to bed. Thankfully our sex life had finally returned a couple of months ago but it certainly wasn't up to any frequency that I would have preferred. On the other hand we were exhausted all the time, so though the spirit was willing the flesh was weak. Tonight we both fell asleep during the movie and at some point Angela had left me on the couch snoozing and had gone up to bed. I woke up about 3 a.m. and checked the basement. Bella wasn't home yet. I knew it wasn't my business but we had all made an agreement that if she were going to stay out for the entire night, she would let us know. I checked my cell phone and then checked Angela's for any text messages. None. Would she be coming home? Had she met someone at the frat party? Had someone gotten her drunk and taken advantage of her?

What if she decided to hook up with Jacob? It was no small secret that he had the hots for Bella, you only had to watch him looking at Bella to figure out what was going on in his mind. Jacob was a nice enough guy and I really didn't know him, but I didn't like him either. A man knows when another guy is after a woman and he definitely was after Bella. I didn't like it. He wasn't good enough for her. I was afraid that she would end up with Jacob only out of a lack of options. I hoped that wasn't the case tonight.

I started channel surfing for a while, waiting for Bella to come home. I didn't want her to know that I was waiting up for her so I figured once I heard the door I would just switch off the TV and sit on the couch quietly and wait for her to go downstairs. Then I would head up to my bed. But when she did get home around 4, she tripped on one of the twins' toys on her way to the basement and landed practically on her face. It sounded like it really hurt.

I rushed over to her to see if she was ok. The moment I touched her soft skin on her arms I felt that familiar electrical hum travel through my body. It was the strangest sensation that I felt every time I touched her, which wasn't often, but it was always there. I wanted only to help her but the moment I touched her I wanted more than that. I wanted to hold her and protect her. I wanted to kiss her and love her. I looked deep into her eyes and all I could think of was that I wanted…I wanted so much more than for her to take care of my children. I wanted to get to know her and to laugh with her and to meet her family and see where she grew up. I wanted to know her dreams and what she wished for herself. I wanted to give her things. I wanted to give her myself. I did. There was no denying that now. I couldn't deny the physical attraction I had to her, it was obviously not only electric but physically palpable in every way to me. But that was only part of it. She was irresistible to me. It was like I couldn't get enough of her. Regardless of how much I stayed away from her I always wanted to come back for another hit. Just like an addiction. I had never felt like this about anyone.

My initial attraction to my wife was nothing like this. Our attraction was gradual and logical. We had so much in common and it made so much sense. It was goal oriented and it felt right. With Bella it was anything but that. My attraction was clearly one-sided and illogical. We had nothing in common other than our love for my children and it made absolutely NO sense. There were no similar goals there and it felt clearly wrong. And yet it seemed, on a certain level, as natural as breathing for me. Something that was necessary and primal. I couldn't explain it. I just knew that this feeling was a once in a lifetime experience. Nothing this strong could happen more than once. I was sure of that now. Did I love her? I don't know for sure if I could say that I loved Bella, but what I did know is that I would never feel this way about anyone else again. And that thought disturbed me.

I had steered clear of Bella for months and I knew even now that I would continue to do so until her 6 months with us were over. I would never act on these feelings I had for her. Nor would she welcome my advances. Why would she? She was young, beautiful and vibrant. I was married, too old and a father of twins. What could she possibly see in me even if I were able to do something about how I felt? No, I would walk away because that was not only the honorable thing to do but it was also the right thing to do.

Even in my wildest fantasies of being with Bella, even if she welcomed my advances, what could possibly happen between us? Having an affair and betraying my wife is something I would never do. If I did, it would not only break us up but it would break me. I wouldn't do that to the mother of my children, to my partner in life. She deserved better than that. And if it broke me then it would surely break whatever relationship I would have formed with Bella. And in turn, it would break Bella. Because she would not continue to want a man that was merely a shell of the person he used to be. And that is surely what I would become, a shell. A husk of the person I once was. I couldn't honor my children by betraying their mother, by betraying my morals. And from what I knew of Bella, she would not want that either.

But this was all a moot point. Bella didn't want me. I wouldn't act on my feelings. She would be leaving in 2 months and I would be left behind with my fantasies of the perfect woman to dream about at will. It was, perhaps, meant for another lifetime.

I would have to find some way to further distance myself from her until she left. It wouldn't be easy but at least I wouldn't have to worry about hurting her feelings. I had deliberately stayed away from her and kept our conversations to the bare minimum over the last 4 months, so my further distancing myself from her would not be anything unusual. Perhaps I could even ask Alice to fill in another day each week so that either Bella could spend more time outside the house, or I could.

I would have to be careful not to tip off Angela that something was wrong, and also to keep Alice off my trail, but I felt it could be done.

And with that last thought I stood up, pulling Bella with me. In that last second, I had a moment of regret that was profoundly deep and painful. I longed to know what it felt like to kiss her deep and passionately, just once. To hold her little body flush to mine. Would I want to make love to her? Of course I would. But if I could have just one thing for this one moment it would be a kiss. A long earth shattering kiss that you could feel in your toes and that would leave those tremors like aftershocks in your body for minutes later just like the aftershocks of an earthquake. A kiss to remember for the rest of my life. And I knew that is what it would be. I just knew it.

I also knew it would never happen. It was deeply saddening to me to realize that. Never to know such a kiss, to know it existed for you but that you could never have it. I knew I had never experienced one of those kisses before and I had no idea that I even desired one. Until tonight. Until the moment I touched her and knew that it was more than a simple sexual attraction.

It _was_ love.

I was in love with Isabella Swan.

And there was absolutely nothing that I could ever do about it.

Ever.

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	12. Chapter 11

Chapter 11 BPOV

I knew that I had an unnatural obsession with Edward Cullen. What was weird for me is that my initial attraction to him had turned in to a sort of awe-inspired idolism. By the time I had been with the Cullens 4 months it had turned into an all out sickness. I dreamed of Edward nearly every night. He was all I thought about. I knew he could never be interested in a girl like me, I was too young and immature. I certainly wasn't attractive enough for the walking sexual dynamo that he was. It was completely unrealistic to even entertain any romantic notions about him. But I couldn't help my subconscious. It played tricks on me and forced me to live out my fantasies every time I entered slumberland. Thank God no one could hear me talk in my sleep, lord knows what wicked things I cried out.

I wanted desperately to not feel this way. I knew it wasn't healthy to pine after someone that wasn't mine and never would be. He was too good for me. But I couldn't help my dreams and because I dreamed of him so often it almost felt like I was having some kind of a secret relationship with him. Albeit a one-sided one.

I would have tried to stay away from him to see if that would help but the truth of the matter was I hardly saw Edward. He was always working or relieving me of my work with the twins. He encouraged me to explore the city and go out with friends every moment I wasn't with the twins, almost as if he didn't want me in the house.

Despite the fact that Jacob and Alice were introducing me to new people and we went to lots of parties and did fun things together, no one interested me in the least. If I saw someone I was physically attracted to, they would but open their mouth to speak and as far as I was concerned they began to lose IQ points. Or they were wicked smart but held no attraction to me whatsoever. No one held a candle to Edward and what was worse is that every man I met, I silently compared to Edward. It was completely unfair but I couldn't help it. I tried not to do it but it just happened. It got to the point that Alice started saying I was boring and was beginning to wonder if I played for the other team. To make her point she started introducing me to all sorts of women, until I swore on the Jimmy Choos that she let me borrow that I wasn't a lesbian. I didn't have anything against being a lesbian, I just couldn't deal with the equipment.

Soon, it was 3 weeks before the end of my contract. I started to get really sad for many reasons. First of all, I adored Hannah and Ethan. They were more precious to me now than ever. I absolutely loved them and I would miss them terribly. I kicked myself for agreeing to and wanting only short term contracts. Once I leave, I would probably never see them again and I would miss all the fun years of them growing older, hearing them talk and walk for the first time. Someone else would have that honor, it would not be me. But of course, more importantly, I would be leaving Edward. And though he had no idea the feelings I harbored for him, it would kill me to walk away. Even when our supposed relationship was only in my dreams. Still I could feel those feelings and I longed for them.

I could only hope that one day I would find as great a guy as Edward.

Angela called me into the kitchen soon after my realizations and asked me how I would feel about staying on with them for another year. I think my heart skipped a beat. Was she serious?

She said that she and Edward had spoken and though they knew that I wanted to travel and see the world, they also knew that I wanted to start my education. To that end, if I would agree to extend my contract for another 12 months, they wanted to pay for me to go to any university I wanted to in the Chicagoland area and they would pay for up to 8 hours of study for the two semesters. Clearly with my schedule with the twins I couldn't go full time but I could get a jump start on my core requirements and the best part is it would be free. I would still be paid for my time as an au pair. I thanked her for the opportunity and immediately accepted. She was happy that I had said yes but wanted to make sure that I didn't need more time to think about it.

What was there to think about? More time with the twins? With Edward? With Alice and Jacob? Duh! No brainer. YES YES YES!

And soon I was well into my 6th month in Chicago. My parents were thrilled that I was starting school and wished me luck. Mike wasn't too happy about it as he must have thought I would come back to Montreal first before going on to my next job. Seriously, I had done nothing to encourage his feelings for me but once I realized that I was mad for Edward, could I ever go back to Mike? Never.

Anything less than the soul stirring feelings I had for Edward would never do for me. I had seen the pinnacle of lust if you will and I would settle for nothing less. It may or may not be what most couples had but I knew that when I did marry one day I wanted that spark to be between my husband and myself. I deserved that.

I had two more months to work before I started school so I started collecting class information from the local schools. I know they said I could go to any school but I decided to go to a state school because I didn't want to take advantage of them financially. I was accepted into a part time program at the University of Chicago. I decided to take my English classes for sure and maybe one elective. I wasn't sure yet.

When Alice and Jacob found out I was going to stay for a year and go to school they were very happy for me. But it also motivated them to try to get me out as much as possible that summer. They said I wouldn't have the time in the fall what with my classes and work. So we went out a lot. Each party I went to made me feel a little emptier than the party before. I went out of my way to hook up with some guys over the summer. The idea being that I wanted to force the idea of Edward out of my head. Yea, as if that were even remotely possible.

As the saying goes, why eat hamburger out when you have filet mignon at home?

I kissed a lot of guys that summer. Nothing else though. Ok, one guy got boob, well, actually two guys. But only one got boob _under_ my bra. Each time I kissed someone or let them touch me I felt more bereft than ever. And every time it happened I came home and had a hot sex dream about Edward. For God's sake I was a virgin and had never had sex but sure as shit I dreamed of sex with him every time I kissed or touched another guy. It was very frustrating. And in every dream, without exception, I would cum when we had sex. I would wake up with wet panties in the middle of the night and though it felt good while I was dreaming, it left me feeling more frustrated than ever. More often than not I would touch myself, bringing myself to orgasm before I could fall asleep again. And of course the man I'd imagine touching me as my fingers would roam over my body was always Edward.

It didn't help any that Alice and Jasper had become a regular item and that she would call me with detailed accounts of their sex adventures. I was happy for them but I was so sexually frustrated I could have screamed.

Jake continued to move from one girl to the next with no break in sight. I could understand him though. He was searching for that special someone. The problem for me was that I had already found someone special but I couldn't have him.

I was very excited when school finally started. I picked two night classes as they only met once a week and the day classes met either 2 or 3 times a week for each class and it split the week up too much for me to take care of the twins. I took Beginning English Composition and Shakespeare. I loved to read and I hoped that the two classes would keep me busy enough to steer me away from the party scene and too tired for sex dreams. It did work for the first part but not for the second.

The semester went really quickly. Between the twins' schedule, my classes, study time and the occasional party I had no free time and was thoroughly exhausted. And most importantly I was too busy to be unhappy about not ever being able to hook up with my dream man.

My parents had come to visit me over the summer for a long weekend. Edward and Angela insisted that they pay for their hotel which I thought was so kind. We all got along really well. I mean, we didn't spend loads of time together but when we did sit down for dinner or coffee my parents and the Cullens got along famously. I would be going home during the American Thanksgiving for the first time and spending Christmas in Chicago. I wouldn't be home for our own Thanksgiving in October, but the university had a break in November and it seemed a logical time to take a few days off.

Going home felt a little weird. I felt really grown up when I went back. Almost like I didn't fit in there anymore. I did see Mike briefly. It was so glaringly obvious to me that we could never be anything more than friends. What had I been thinking before when I dated him?

I missed the twins while I was gone but I also recognized a good feeling I had to get a small break from their tiring schedules. Edward on the other hand, I missed terribly. I continued to daydream about him and fantasize at night. I missed his gorgeous eyes and that special sex hair of his. He seriously always looked like he had just had sex every time I saw him. And I loved it.

I also caught up on a lot of homework while I was home. I knew that December would be brutal not only for school and finals but also for the Cullens' work schedule. I was still working way past the maximum that I was supposed to. The problem in December was that Angela would be flying to London the first week of December for 4 weeks. She had been granted a fellowship and needed to do some research there. Without an extra pair of hands to help with the twins, Edward, Alice and I would have to split up her schedule between the three of us.

I didn't mind though. This was a great opportunity for Angela and she and Edward had always been so kind and considerate to me. It was the least I could do.

So I slept a lot at home, did lots of homework, spent time with my parents and saw a few friends while I was there. I didn't dare tell any of my friends or family how I felt about Edward. I didn't even know how to classify it other than lust or a sick obsession. And the last thing you want people to think of you when you live outside the country is that you are insane and don't know what you are doing.

When I arrived back in Chicago I took a shuttle to the brownstone. Angela was working and Edward was with the twins. He would have picked me up with them in the car but they had been sick the few days before and no one thought it was a good idea to take them anywhere for a few more days. Jacob was working and Alice was at Jasper's parents' home in South Carolina for the holidays.

I walked into the brownstone and heard voices coming from upstairs. I set my bags down and ran up the stairs to see the twins and see where the voices were coming from. The twins started to squeal when they saw me, they were in their playpen and hadn't heard me come in. I was so excited to finally see them again. I kissed and hugged each one soundly.

"Well, well, well, what have we hear?" I heard a man say behind me.

"I'm sorry, who are you?" I asked.

Edward walked in to the room at that moment. "Welcome back Bella, the twins really missed you." He said. "Have you met my older brother Emmett?"

"No," I said, "we were just getting to that."

"Yes," Emmett agreed as he looked me up and down from head to toe. "We were just getting to that." He grinned.

I blushed as I realized that he was flirting with me. Emmett was much larger than Edward. Not better looking by a long shot but still very attractive. And muscular. His arms were crossed as he leered at me and leaned against the door frame.

"So this is the au pair that you have been raving about and keeping to yourself." He said to Edward.

Raving about? Keeping to himself? What did Emmett mean?

"Ah, yes, Bella, this is my brother, Emmett. Emmett please meet Bella Swan, our au pair." He said.

"Nice to meet you Emmett." I told him. "Do you live around here?"

"No, actually I live in L.A. but I am here for a couple of weeks visiting. And I heard that Angela will be out of town for a while so since I am in town doing some business I thought I would stay here and help out with my favorite niece and nephew." He explained.

It seemed to me that Edward was squirming a bit. I had no idea why. But he was definitely uncomfortable.

"I take it that Angela is working tonight?" I asked.

"Yes, she won't be home until late." Edward said.

"Well then, why don't I unpack and I will see what I can throw together for us all to eat tonight?" I suggested.

"Bella, that sounds great. Thank you." Said Edward.

So that's what I did. I unpacked and then checked the refrigerator. I made a German dish that Claudia had taught me, schnitzel with spaetzle and gravy. The guys loved it and the twins really liked the noodles with the gravy.

The men did the dishes while I put the twins to bed. They were going to stay up and talk and watch a DVD, so I went to bed.

"Goodnight Bella," said Emmett. "I really look forward to getting to know you better."

"Nice to have you here Emmett. Goodnight you guys." I said.

"Goodnight Bella." Edward said. He had a very strange look in his eyes. I couldn't place what that look was.

I walked to the basement door. Just before going down the stairs I felt eyes on my back. I turned around slowly and my eyes widened.

Emmett was staring at me with an obvious look of desire on his face.

And what was more disturbing than that?

So was Edward.

**A/N: We would so appreciate it if you would take a moment to review the chapter/story. It is always so nice to hear how people like the story or what they want to see happen. So please review and thank you! Huge thanks to my co-author/fellow brainstormer/beta/friend Parama! YGMC!**

**Rec's. I love anything vampy best and my latest obsession has been For Eternity by Vampgirl79 If you love all things vampire as I do then you must check it out. It also has a unique spin to it that I adore. It is not the typical Twilight storyline which is a wonderful change up. And you may not always understand Bella's choices…but hey…any visceral reaction to a story is a good one. And of course lots of lemony goodness which is also a requirement these days…LOL**


	13. Chapter 12

Chapter 12 EPOV

12 months.

Bella agreed to continue working for us for an additional 12 months.

I am so screwed.

This was definitely not my idea. I mean, I was thrilled at the idea of not having to get used to another new face and retrain them with the twins. Bella was an amazing au pair for us and if it were not for my being in love with her I would be jumping with joy right now.

Angela made some really good points as we began the search for a new au pair. None of the applications we reviewed had Bella's qualifications or passion for children. Our schedules were already insane and we hardly had time for each other let alone looking for a new au pair. Angela said she knew from the agency that they had not placed Bella in a new position yet. And to top things off, in a couple of months Angela was going to London for a month on a work trip. This would be a huge burden on a new au pair and neither one of us knew if we could trust a new person with the challenge or the responsibility.

How could I reasonably discourage Angela from her idea of extending Bella's au pair contract? There was not one logical reason I could give her to change her mind. So I didn't even try. What could I have said? 'Ah…honey…I think that is bad idea because I have fallen in love with Bella and if she stays here longer than her 6 months I am afraid I will lose my ability to keep my hands off of her. So if you don't mind, let's hire someone else.'

Yea, that would go over real well.

The only thing I did think of was that Bella had mentioned her love of travel and wanting to save for college. Angela had the _brilliant_ idea of offering to pay for some part time studies for Bella as an incentive for her to stay with us. It's not like we couldn't afford it, we had more than enough money with my trust fund. And with that, went my one and only solid argument.

So of course I agreed with her and secretly hoped – while wishing for the opposite - that Bella would turn us down.

She didn't.

I continued to work and to avoid Bella as much as possible. I was keenly aware of her body anytime we were near each other and I always listened for her at night when she went out with her friends. I found myself eavesdropping on any conversation she had, trying to find an unobserved way of getting to know her better. She was such a kind hearted person. But then again, anyone who spent 5 minutes watching her with my children would have figured that out as well. No, I guess if I am honest, I wanted to know more details about her and I could only get them on the sly. To open up conversations with her meant spending time with her and I couldn't risk that. I just couldn't.

As December drew near and the time for Angela to leave for London approached, Emmett had called to say he was going to be in town for business. When he found out that we needed some extra help because of Angela's trip, he decided to stay longer and spend more time with us. I was thrilled. Emmett was a great friend as well as my brother. We always had a really great time together. He actually arrived the day before Bella came back from her Thanksgiving trip home to her parents. We hung out as a family and he got to know the twins; he was a great uncle. Alice was over as well and it was just nice to spend time with my siblings and my family. It didn't happen very often.

The evening Bella arrived home we found her in the twins' bedroom kissing and hugging them hello. The twins had missed her, always looking around for her. As I entered the kids' bedroom and said hello to Bella I noticed that Emmett was looking her up and down. He was checking her out as he did to the women he would meet in bars back home. Just watching him do that to Bella instantly set me on edge. I didn't like it one bit. He was actually flirting with her! Bella didn't seem to mind but also didn't seem to be responding to him either. I only prayed that she wouldn't. I seriously would not be able to handle it if Emmett decided he wanted to try his hand at Bella. It would kill me.

As I thought about it, I realized that if he continued with his flirting I would have to do something about it. I would tell him he wasn't allowed to date our au pair, there would be a conflict of interest, and what if things went badly. We couldn't afford to have him mess this up for us. Bella was too important to us and to the twins. Yea, that sounded reasonable. It didn't sound jealous, it sounded like we didn't want to lose our au pair for any reason. Right? Yes, it did. He wouldn't suspect that it personally bothered me. Although now that I think about it, it would be risky if he tried to make something happen with Bella. Emmett didn't have the best track record with women and if Bella got hurt it could jeopardize her wanting to stay with us.

We all went downstairs and Bella fixed an amazing dinner for us. She decided to go to her room and we stayed up to watch a movie. When we were alone Emmett started an uncomfortable line of conversation.

"So Edward, you never mentioned that you had a hot au pair!" he said.

"Em, I told you we had an au pair." I answered him, ignoring his 'hot' comment.

"Yea, but you left out the 'hot' part," he answered.

"I'm not sure I know what you mean Em. Bella is a great au pair and that is what matters to us."

"Edward, you are not dead. And you can't tell me for one second that you didn't notice that Bella is hot. Now you can load that bullshit on anyone else you want but I am not buying it. Come on, just admit it…she's hot!" he said.

"Yes, Em, Bella is attractive for her age and she is also intelligent and kind hearted and we are lucky to have her." I told him.

"Say what?" he said. "What kind of horse shit comment is that Edward? This is me you are talking to, not Angela. So is she seeing anyone?" he asked me.

"I don't know Em. Who cares anyway? It's not any of our business." I tried to get him off of the subject.

"I was just wondering" he said to me.

"Em, come on. Don't mess around with Bella, she is a good girl. And also I don't want you to risk her getting upset for any reason and leaving us…we need her." I told him.

"Don't worry Edward, I am not going to 'mess' with anyone."

We got a few beers and watched a movie for the rest of the night.

I had the next day off so when I got up I did my morning routine with the twins and turned them over to Bella for breakfast so I could spend some time with Emmett. Angela had gotten home late again the night before and was up and out at the crack of dawn. She had a brutal schedule right now but was obviously doing well which was evidenced by the upcoming London trip. She was leaving in a few days and would miss Christmas and New Year's with us. That meant that she would miss the twins' first Christmas and birthday. Her reasoning was that their first Christmas and birthday would be one that we could be sure they would not remember and therefore would not miss her. She didn't plan on missing any more but if she had to miss one, this would be it. In theory, I agreed with her. But still, it was our first Christmas all together - or at least, it would have been.

She called me later in the morning to remind me that she would be taking Bella shopping for the twins the next afternoon for Christmas before she left.

Bella made breakfast for everyone, mashed bananas and yogurt for the twins and pancakes for the adults. They were delicious. Bella was a great cook I had to admit.

"So Bella, what do you do here in Chicago when you are not working for my brother the tyrant? I mean, I heard you are from Montreal, do you have people you know here?" Emmett asked.

"Well, Alice and I have become pretty good friends and I also have a friend Jacob that I met earlier this year at the Art Museum. I take classes at the University of Chicago and I just love walking around the city and exploring. Other than that, between the twins and homework I am quite busy." She answered him.

"And what do you do for _fun_?" he asked her.

"I ah…well I…I don't know. I guess hanging out with my friends is fun." She replied.

I started to get irritated with Emmett. Clearly he was making her uncomfortable.

"What do you do when you hang out with them?" Emmett continued his interrogation, completely ignoring my glare.

"We usually go to frat parties off campus or to the movies. Tomorrow night we are going to Jake's house for a party with a bunch of his friends. " She told him.

"A party huh? Well, that does sound like fun. I don't think I've been to a party in at least 3 years. I guess I work too much." he told her.

"Well, would you like to come with us tomorrow? Alice will be there too." She said.

"Really? You're sure you wouldn't mind an old man tagging along?" he responded.

"You're NOT an old man Emmett." She giggled.

"Well then sure, that would be great. I'll bring a bottle of something good as my contribution!" he told her.

"Emmett!" I scolded him. He was going down the road I had expressly asked him not to. A party with young people and alcohol plus Emmett equaled trouble. This was really going to be torture, especially in the 5 seconds that it took me to realize that I would be the one babysitting while they all went out. I wouldn't be able to protect Bella from Emmett while watching the twins.

"Sure!" she replied with a huge grin on her face. "I bet Alice would get a kick out of that! Of course I can't promise that no one will make old man jokes to you but you are welcome to come with us."

I was groaning inside. I am going to shoot Emmett.

"Absolutely!" he said. "And Bella, do you think you can maybe help me pick out one 'young' outfit for tomorrow? I mostly brought suits and I don't want to stick out at the party. I know everyone will know I am older but I don't have to dress the part."

"Of course," she answered him. "In fact, Angela and I are going shopping tomorrow afternoon, you can come with us."

"Perfect." He responded.

This was just getting better and better.

I am in love with my au pair who doesn't know it and I can never be with her. My brother is hot after her and is going to spend an entire afternoon/evening with her with the intention of getting her into bed while I babysat my children. Can my life suck any more?

Angela had arranged to have most of the day off today to spend time with the twins while I worked, go shopping with Bella and then spend the evening together. I was looking forward to spending some one on one time with my wife. It happened so rarely lately and I missed her.

We ordered a pizza after Bella and Emmett left. I cringed at the memory of that fiasco; between the skimpy outfit Bella had on and the leering looks from Emmett, I almost went over the edge. We sat in the living room, drinking beer and talking about my work and her work and her expectations and hopes regarding her trip to London. She was making great strides in her work and she was so excited. It was infectious. I wanted to bring up my disappointment and sadness that she would be missing Christmas with us but I didn't. I didn't want to spoil what little time we had left together before she left. The twins woke up for a little while so we gave them each a bottle and put them back to bed.

We went to bed and laid awake looking at the ceiling and continued to talk. After a while Angela rolled over and straddled me. She started kissing my neck moving up to my lips and kissed me deeply. My mind was all over the place due to her leaving and my jealousy over Bella and Emmett. But my wife wanted to make love and who was I to say no? At any other time I would have jumped at the chance, and so I made myself concentrate and think about Angela. But when I closed my eyes to return her kiss it was Bella's eyes I saw. And when I touched Angela's skin to caress her I felt no electrical charge or hum as I always did with Bella. The absence of that sensation overwhelmed me. It was all I could think about and I knew I wouldn't be able to make love unless I shook every thought of Bella out of my head. So I thought about how I felt about Angela when we met and when we were married. I immersed myself in the memories of my wife and our life and children. And then I made love to her, slow and gentle. Reverently. And it was good.

I woke up to the twins crying a little after 3 a.m. Angela started to get up but I told her I would take care of them and she laid back down thanking me. I changed them and settled them down and went to get their bottles from the kitchen.

As I passed the basement door I heard voices coming from downstairs. A male voice. Emmett's voice.

What was Emmett doing downstairs in Bella's room? He told me he wouldn't mess with her and Bella didn't seem to be the kind of person that would just invite Emmett into her bedroom after knowing him for a day or two. I didn't know what to think. And I also couldn't control my feet from taking me down the stairs to see with my own eyes what was going on.

I went through the entertainment room area into the bedroom but no one was there. Suddenly I heard the bathroom door open and I swung around. There stood Emmett. And there was Bella. Bella was in her bra and underwear and she was in Emmett's arms, bridal style.

"What the fuck is going on here, Emmett?" I raised my voice at him.

**A/N: ****Greetings from the silent partner of The Edwardians:**

**Hey folks! **

**First course of business: Thank you for reading All That Remains! I can't emphasize enough how much your time and feedback means to us. You make our day when you drop us a line. Also, thank you to whoever rec'd All That Remains on the Fictionators. We really appreciate it!**

**To return the favor, I will rec a story for you all. It's called ****Lingering Shadows**** by mamasutra. Only a few chapters up so far but I stand by my word! This will be good. Very few stories, and I mean very very few, can make me this emotional. The last one I recall was Emancipation Proclamation. In ****Lingering Shadows****, things start off very mysteriously with Bella lying in a pool of her own blood and Edward going frantic. Not many clues are given in the prologue. Then the story goes back into the past, opening with Bella at her grandmother's funeral with a little hint of her encountering a grief stricken Edward attending his wife's funeral service at the same place. There's so much promise in there that I can hardly wait to find out how things will unfold. Check it out and tell me what you think:**

**http:/www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/6639807/1/Lingering_Shadows**

**On a related note, I just found out that folks at the Twilight Awards have picked up ****Lingering Shadows**** to review it in their Under the Radar section. I don't know when they will post it on their site, but you can check their page in a week or so to see what they have to say about this story. You can find them at:**

**http:/reviews(dot)thetwilightawards(dot)com/search/label/Under%20the%20Radar**

**Happy reading, my lovelies!**


	14. Chapter 13

Chapter 13 BPOV

I couldn't believe that Emmett actually wanted to come to Jake's party with us. I mean, seriously? I thought it would be hysterical to have Edward's brother there, especially since Alice was coming. Maybe I could inconspicuously get more information out about Edward from Emmett. No, that would be too obvious. Either way Emmett struck me as a fun guy to hang out with, so it should be a fun night.

Alice picked out some short skirted nightmare that I would normally never wear, yet again. But I always got a lot of attention from guys when I wore anything short. Jake had said that he was inviting a lot of his guy friends to the party so Alice insisted that I dress up. The clothes she picked out made me feel pretty and attractive. Not like the immature and inexperienced person I felt like at the Cullens'. My motto tonight was, if it feels good do it. And so I did.

I could tell since the day before yesterday that Emmett had been flirting with me. He was exceptionally attractive really, but still not my type. My type? Well, obviously that was Edward. And the idea of doing anything remotely romantic with his brother was just - well it was icky.

Earlier today we had all gone shopping; all except Edward I mean. Jake ended up coming along and took Emmett under his wing so that he wouldn't look like an 'old man' at his party. Angela and I hit every imaginable store picking up Christmas gifts for Edward and the children. After two hours of running around we went to the coffee shop to take a break and get a snack.

We sat down with our coffees and muffins and Angela began talking.

"Bella, first of all I want you to know how much I appreciate all that you do for my family. I know we pay you but I also want you to know that you go over and above the call of duty for my children and helping run the house and I can't thank you enough."

I was dumbfounded after such a statement of gratitude.

"Angela, over all of these months I have really learned to love your family and Ethan and Hannah mean more to me than I can tell you. As much as this all started out as just a job for me it means so much more to me now. You are most welcome but I also have to say thank you…for giving me a home away from home. I really love you all." I told her. And every word was true. I felt so comfortable in her home.

And though I truly did lust after her husband and fancied myself in love with him, I knew I would never do anything to intentionally hurt her. Angela and Edward had hired me because they desperately needed my help with their children. I wouldn't repay their kindness to me by doing something to jeopardize the trust they had put in me.

Letting anyone know about how I felt about Edward would do just that. And I refused to be 'that' girl. You know, the cliché. The babysitter, the nanny that does the husband/father while the wife is away. Sex wasn't what I wanted from Edward. Well, it wasn't the _only_ thing I wanted from Edward. I wanted to take walks with him and go to museums and talk about everything we had seen and done. I wanted him to show me where he worked and talk about the people he helped. I wanted to share our future dreams and desires. I wanted to lie in bed with him all day and make love. I wanted to have a picnic with Hannah and Ethan and watch them crawl around and play while we lay on a blanket and watch them. I wanted to cuddle with him on the couch and watch TV. I wanted. Oh…I wanted.

But wanting something wasn't enough. There are some things that a person just doesn't do. And trying to steal a woman's husband while living with them and caring for her children is something no one should ever do.

Besides which, all of these feelings I had were about a fantasy. Edward had never shown any interest in me other than a look I thought I had seen the other day. Clearly I had misread what I had seen. In any event, he only knew I existed as a helper to his family, not as a woman with desires for him. So the mere imagining of 'stealing' Edward from Angela was utterly ridiculous anyway.

Yet, I felt like I was in a constant state of guilt for even having any fantasies about Edward. And when Angela thanked me for taking such good care of them all, it just made me swim in even more guilt. At that moment, I was drowning.

"I am so glad you love my children the way that you do Bella. I can't tell you how much it means to me that while I am in London, you will be here to love the twins and take care of Edward. Now I want you to know that Alice will be helping out more and Emmett has agreed to stay a couple of weeks as well. Edward should be able to get a few extra days off for the holidays so he can help more. And I also want you to know that we will find a way to compensate you further for all the extra time you will be putting in while I am gone." She told me.

"Angela," I started to moan.

"Bella stop. I know you are going to say that we don't have to but really we do and what's more, we want to. We haven't decided what we are going to do but I want you to know that we will take care of you." She said.

We finished our coffees and finished up our shopping. We met the guys back at the car and all drove home.

Now Alice and Emmett and I were on our way to Jake's party. Emmett had bought a bottle of Jack Daniels for the party. I wasn't into hard liquor and since I couldn't buy it legally anyway, I decided to bring some snack foods. I made up some dip and picked up chips and a couple of bags of candy. Nothings like chips and candy late at night. Alice brought flowers if you can believe it.

"You just know that Jake's apartment is not going to be a welcoming place to be and flowers will add color and life to his place." She swore. And she was right. Jake's apartment was small and dark and definitely resembled more of a man cave than a young man's apartment.

Jake lived in a two bedroom apartment with a roommate. They had a fairly large size kitchen and living room, and each bedroom had its own bathroom. There was also a small balcony with a grill. By the time we arrived, there were at least 20 people there already. Most of them were men. I think I saw 3 other girls. I didn't recognize anyone. Jasper was already there so Alice bounded over to him to say hello. Emmett stuck with me for the first hour. We found the make shift bar they had set up and Emmett started acting like the bartender. Which actually was a great idea because he got to meet everyone there and by the end of the night knew every person by name.

I had intended on having a beer or two but Emmett talked me into trying something harder. He tried to get me to drink Jack and coke but the taste was just awful. I finally settled on a 7/7 which was just sweet enough for my taste and I have to say that those suckers went down very easy. I think I had four. Or was it five? Oops…guess I lost count.

A few different guys were coming on to me throughout the night, none of them were particularly interesting to me. And even if I had been interested in one of them, as soon as I started talking to someone, Emmett would interrupt us and they would eventually lose interest. Emmett was the life of the party. All of the girls at the party hung out around the bar. Emmett became the center of attention. Which of course, meant slim pickings for the guys, so they gathered around the bar too. Soon everyone at the party was participating in the drinking games that Emmett made up. And the rest, well, I don't remember much after that. I had never done shots before and after the third shot I couldn't even remember when or how we got home.

I vaguely remember getting sick in my bathroom and pulling off my dress that I had gotten sick on. Then next thing I knew I was waking up in my bed with a headache the size of the Grand Canyon. My mouth was so dry and I felt like death warmed over. I got up to get a drink of water and see if I could find some aspirin. As I pulled the covers off of me I noticed a glass and a bottle of water next to my bed with a bottle of aspirin. Hmmm, I wonder who put that there. Oh God, that must mean someone knew I had come in drunker than a skunk.

I took the pills and finished the bottle of water and went to my bathroom. When I looked in the mirror to see the horror that was my face and hair I realized I was still dressed in my bra and underwear. I noticed the dress that I had been wearing laying on the bathroom floor. And then I noticed the smell. Oh Lord, I had definitely gotten really sick last night. The smell set my stomach off again and I ran to the toilet to empty out the contents of my stomach once more. This was going to be a really long and shitty day.

I showered and went upstairs to make some toast. Emmett was at the kitchen table. He looked fresh as a daisy. Did he not drink anything at all?

"Morning Emmett." I groaned.

"Morning sunshine. How ya feeling this morning? Need some of the hair of the dog that bit ya?" he teased.

"No thanks. I need some toast and coffee. How did I get home? I can't remember anything after the 4th shot," I told him.

"Yea, about that" he started, "I don't know _exactly_ how many shots you had but we left after you got up on the coffee table and danced to 'Pour Some Sugar on Me'." He started laughing.

"What!" I raised my voice. "Are you serious? I did not dance on a coffee table."

"Actually you did and it was pretty hot." He told me. "I knew it was time to go when you fell off the table at the end of the song. Alice and Jasper helped you up and then we left. Do you really not remember that?" he asked me.

"No, oh God Emmett, I don't remember any of that. I am mortified!" I told him. "What else did I do?"

"Nothing Bella, no worries. We came home, I helped you downstairs. You threw up all over me and yourself so I helped you get to the bathroom. You got sick in there too and then you took off your dress and I helped you get into your bed. I was a total gentleman, honestly."

I looked at him skeptically. "I took off my clothes in front of you?"

"Yes, I was holding up your hair while you got sick and then you stood up when you were done and you looked down at your dress and said something about ruining Alice's dress and then you pulled it off before I knew what you were going to do. I think pulling it off unbalanced you somehow because you sort of passed out while you were standing. I picked you up and that's when Edward saw us. Then I put you in bed and pulled the covers over you. Like I said, no big deal."

"What! Edward saw me like that? In my underwear and passed out?" I asked.

"Ah…yea. Bella, he's a doctor. He checked you once you were in bed to make sure you were ok and then we all went to bed." He told me.

"Oh God, I am mortified!" I groaned out loud, covering my face with my hands.

"Bella, don't worry about it. It's not like Edward or I have never gotten drunk. It happens. We were both young once." He explained.

I just groaned and wanted to die. I thanked Emmett for taking care of me and then made a quick exit to my bedroom. I had to watch the twins in the evening and I wanted to make sure that I was 100% by then. I was still feeling so sick and I bet the alcohol was seeping out of my pores.

I went back to sleep and woke up again in the early evening. I took another shower and went upstairs to fix something to eat and take over watching the twins. Emmett had been watching them all day and he was going out for a business dinner. I played and fed the twins. Soon enough they were going down for the night.

Once they were asleep, I started doing some homework in the kitchen. I hadn't hit the books in a couple of days and I wanted to make sure that I didn't get behind. About 11 p.m. I heard the garage door opening and then I heard someone enter through the mud room. I thought it must be Angela but it was Edward. My face turned three shades of red. I should have rushed downstairs; I really didn't want to face him after he saw me in my underwear. He was probably upset that I had gotten drunk and had come home in that state.

"Hi Edward. I was just finishing up my homework. I'll get out of your way here in a second." I told him.

"Hey there." He said. "Don't rush Bella, I am just going to check on the kids and go to bed. I'm exhausted." He hesitated for a moment and then said, "Are you feeling ok?"

"Um, yes I am. Edward I am so sorry for what happened. I normally don't drink and I am definitely not used to hard liquor and I won't let that happen again. I am so embarrassed and I feel so badly." I told him.

"It's ok Bella. I am just glad that Emmett was there to help you get home safely. I hope you know if you ever have too much to drink in the future that you can call us to pick you up or you can take a taxi home and use the emergency cash in the cookie jar if you don't have enough money."

"That is really nice of you Edward really, but I don't plan on making it a habit, I feel really crappy today. This is my first real hangover and I hate it." I told him.

He grinned knowingly and said, "Yea, hangovers really do suck. Did you take the aspirin I left you?"

"Oh, I didn't realize that was you…yes thank you, I did."

"Are you sure you are ok?" he asked me. His eyes always probed mine so deeply when he looked at me. Almost as if he was trying to look deeper into my soul. I knew he wasn't but it sure felt that way. He had such expressive eyes; I felt myself getting lost in them. I had to look away quickly before I gave myself away.

"Yes, thanks again Edward. You are being very gracious to me after my behavior."

"Not at all Bella. Well, I'm glad you are ok. I'll go upstairs now. Goodnight." And then he was gone.

I put everything away and took my books downstairs and got ready for bed.

I thought about the party and how much I had had to drink. Try as I might I couldn't remember dancing or falling. I couldn't remember the ride home either. I decided not to do shots any more - ever.

So Edward had seen me practically naked. I guess for him it was no big deal to see a woman naked, he was a doctor after all. The idea of him seeing me naked, however, had me worked up more than I realized. I was actually pretty shy about being naked or in a state of undress in front of anyone. But fantasizing about nakedness in regards to Edward had me spinning. It started me thinking about seeing _him_ naked and what I would do if that impossibility ever happened.

Stop it. What are you doing? It was never going to happen. You need to let these fantasizes go and move on. The only place all these feelings were leading to was heartbreak. For myself.

I decided I would make an effort at meeting someone at the next party or event I went to. I couldn't keep going on like this. I needed to start dating, even if I wasn't crazy about the guy. At least it would get my mind off of Edward.

Yes, that is what I would do. I would ask Alice tomorrow if she knew of anyone that I might like. The little pixie would probably jump at the chance to set me up. It would give her regular opportunities to dress me up like a Barbie doll. Ugh, that wouldn't be so much fun. But it would keep my mind off the sex god and Lord knows I needed help from someone to distract me.

**A/N: You know what to do….please review!**

**Special thanks to co-author and beta Parama...YCMG!**

**Our rec this week is 'In Vain' by Bratty-Vamp. It's a WIP but soooo good. It's starts off with darkward but is moving into something sweeter. Just love this story.**

**My other rec is a completed oldie but goodie…by 'pattyrose' called It Will Be As If I Never Existed. This was written a while ago and I just read it. Very PG but written oh so well. It is a New Moon 'after Edward left' story with him returning of course but the author writes it so heartfelt…there is one chapter that takes place outside in the rain…I swear it reminded me of that 80s movie with Jon Cusack standing in the rain with a boombox playing 'In Your Eyes' by Peter Gabriel. But BETTER! I think this New Moon story captured me like no other because the author really knows how to write about feelings and you can feel everything that the characters are going through. Very nice. Let me know if you agree with me! **

**Have a great week everyone!**

**Rene and Parama**


	15. Chapter 14

Chapter 14 BPOV

Angela was leaving for London today. I felt a large weight over the whole house because she would be gone for the holidays. A month away from your family, your children must be horrible. I wouldn't be going home this Christmas because I didn't want to leave the twins while Angela was gone. Edward and Angela tried to talk me into going home but I refused. My parents were going on a cruise for Christmas anyway, so I would be staying home alone. What would be the point? And the twins needed me far more than my parents needed me to be home.

I tried to spend most of the day in my rooms so that Edward and Angela had some alone time before going to the airport. When it was time for her to go, Edward took her and I stayed with the kids. I brought them downstairs so we could play in the living room before I fed them dinner. After dinner it was bath time and then to bed.

Just as I got them to bed, Edward came home.

"Did Angela get off ok?" I asked him.

"Yes she did." He replied, much quieter than usual.

He seemed quite upset so I didn't try to pursue any more conversation with him.

"Well, I just put the twins to bed. I am going to go downstairs and do some homework. Let me know if you need anything." I told him.

He didn't say anything and so I just headed to my rooms.

With Angela gone Emmett would be helping out more till after Christmas and Alice was working 3 days a week to help out. Somehow we all coordinated our times around Edward's schedule. He had taken on extra shifts for the first two weeks so that he could have the week of Christmas and New Year's off to spend with the children.

While Angela was away I decided to make sure that there was always a dinner or lunch in the fridge for Edward for whatever time he would get home for work. He seemed to like my cooking and I wanted to make sure he was eating well while she was gone. I also took over preparing all of the twins' foods. Edward and Angela tried to always have fresh pureed fruits and veggies on hand and so I started doing the preparation for that as well. With all the extra work I was doing and school on the side I had no time to take Alice up on her offers to introduce me to some of her male friends. The day after I had made my decision to start dating, I did indeed contact Alice. She was thrilled as I knew she would be.

But every time she suggested a day to set something up I couldn't fit it in or I was just too damn tired. She was getting upset with me because she thought I was taking on too much while Angela was away. I didn't agree. They needed my help, and I was glad to give it. So behind my back Alice went to Edward and complained that I was working too much and that she wanted to get me out at least one time the next weekend. And that is how she arranged for my first blind date with one of her friends.

His name was Paul and he was in his last year at the university. He was majoring in International Politics and was planning on going to law school. She said he was really funny and sweet and the last girlfriend he was with had cheated on him with his best friend. She told me not to tell him that I knew that tidbit of information. We were going on a double date with her and Jasper. They had picked out a movie and afterwards we would go play some pool or go bowling.

Alice tried to get me to put another dress on and heels but I refused.

"Alice you have carte blanche on my hair and makeup but there is no way I am wearing a dress to a movie and bowling! It's not practical and it will look stupid. Even if we end up playing pool I will have to bend over and I'm not going to do it!" I yelled at her.

"Fine Bella! You don't have to get your panties in a bunch over it for goodness sake!"

So she made me up and primped the hell out of my hair. I put on my skinny jeans and a comfortable blue top. I thought I looked nice. And quite frankly, even though I was willing to try to date, if a guy didn't like my jeans look then he wasn't for me. I practically lived in my jeans and I wanted him to see me like I really was.

Jasper, Alice and Paul picked me up at 7 p.m. When Paul walked through the door I was pleasantly surprised. Alice had not exaggerated. He was nice looking, of average height and had a very welcoming smile. I felt instantly at east with him. Edward was there to say hello to his sister. He had both twins in his arms. I went over to them before walking out the door and gave both kids a smooch goodnight. Gosh, were they adorable.

First we went to see a movie and then we were all a bit hungry so we stopped at Ed Debevic's for some hamburgers and fries. I decided to be a bit more quiet than usual so I could try to observe Paul objectively. He truly seemed to be very nice, he was definitely a gentleman, holding doors open and chairs out for me and he had a great sense of humor. A couple of times Jasper tried to engage him in a political discussion and Paul found his way out of it very smoothly. I really liked that. I hated when people discussed politics in a group. Invariably someone would get upset or offended. But Paul just listened and made very innocent comments until he found the opportunity to steer the conversation in another, more innocent direction.

He was also a huge animal advocate and volunteered once a week at the local animal shelter. I asked him what he did there and he said he just spent whatever time he could to walk the dogs. I could feel myself liking him more and more as the evening went on.

We all decided to go bowling. I wasn't extremely good at bowling but I was ok. Jasper of course was really good for an amateur and it turns out that Paul was good as well. Alice was about as good as me so our two teams were pretty evenly matched. By the end of the night Paul and I had managed to win one more game than Jasper and Alice. We were all so competitive that by the end of the 5th game we were all screaming at each other's partners to get a strike or jumping up and down when someone did something particularly good. When the last pins fell and we won by 4 points I jumped into Paul's arms, hugging him out of excitement. Losers had to pay for the bowling so we had won a free night of playing.

What also impressed me about the evening was the way that Paul had hugged me back when I jumped on him. You know how some people sort of loosely hold you when you hug? Or they practically smother you? Well Paul held on to me just right. He smelled clean and nice and he was just the right height for me. His hug was firm but not too tight. I also noticed that he leaned his head towards my neck into my hair and took a deep breath while he hugged me. I assumed that meant he found me somewhat attractive, right? I mean, it was a good sign, I was guessing.

They dropped me off at home first. Paul walked me to the door and asked for my phone number and if he could call me soon. I gave him my number and thanked him for a really nice evening. He bent down and hugged me goodbye and as he pulled away he gave me a kiss on the cheek and smiled down at me. Then he got back in the car and they drove away.

All in all I thought it was a successful evening. I was surprised that my first blind date had gone so well and that my plan to distract myself from Edward was working. With Angela out of town for so long I was badly in need of spending time with friends and/or a guy. Who knew, maybe Paul and I would become more than just acquaintances.

He texted me when he got home that night, telling me again how much fun he had and asking me if I would meet him for coffee the next day. I agreed and we met for coffee at 4 p.m. the next day. Alone. We talked about everything. He was curious about Montreal, Germany, what I wanted to major in, how I liked living with the Cullens and my family. I think I manipulated the conversation the whole evening. It was so easy to talk to Paul. Almost like I had known him for a long time. Coffee turned into dinner. Dinner turned into a long walk in Lincoln Park. And then it was time to go home. He walked me to my car and asked me if he could kiss me goodbye. I said yes. And it was nice. His lips were soft and he held me just right as he kissed me. It wasn't an all consuming kiss. But it was one of the nicest kisses I could remember in a long time. I liked Paul a lot.

Over the next few days we couldn't find time to see each other. I had to work and go to school and he had classes and his part time job at the bookstore. He also had his animal shelter work. But we texted throughout the days and made plans for the weekend. We decided to take on Jasper and Alice for a rematch at bowling on Saturday.

But when Saturday came around Edward was called into work and Emmett was on a date so I had to stay home and watch the twins. Paul was very understanding but Alice was livid. Alice wasn't good at changing plans.

"Look Alice, I'm sorry but it was an emergency at the hospital!" I explained to her.

"You know Bella, I realize that it's not Edward's fault when he gets called in but they have to have more of a backup plan than just you. You work way too many hours and it's not fair. I'm going to say something to Edward next week!" she told me over the phone.

"Alice don't. I know it messes with everyone's plans and I am really sorry, but I don't mind. It's only for December and then Angela will be home again." I tried to rationalize.

"Fine. But if it happens again I am talking to my brother. I think he is taking advantage of you and you are too nice to say anything. And I am not the only one who thinks so. You just better hope that Paul is understanding because I would hate to see you blow your chance with him. He seems to really like you." She said to me.

And so Saturday night was spent at home alone with the twins.

The next week went much the same as the previous week. Lots of work and school and texting with Paul. We made another date for Saturday and thankfully Jasper and Alice agreed to reschedule the rematch.

I was excited to see Paul after such a long time. We had done so much flirting on the phone but hadn't seen each other for almost two weeks. He picked me up at the Cullens' and greeted me with a kiss on the cheek.

"I missed seeing your face." He whispered to me.

"Me too." I whispered back.

And off we went to meet Jasper and Alice. This time we started bowling first and decided to go to a party on campus afterwards. Paul and I won 4 out of 5 games this time and again ended up playing for free. Alice said they wouldn't play us anymore. Sore losers!

I had worn my skinny jeans again but this time with some nice heels and a lower cut blouse. I caught Paul looking at my cleavage more than once while we were bowling. I was sort of proud of my choice of apparel. Without Alice's help I had garnered some male interest in my outfit. She should be proud of me.

The party was at a friend of Jake's. Jake was going to meet us here at some point. He had a new girl named Leah that he was 'trying out' he said. I laughed just thinking about him. I had seriously never heard of him going out with the same girl twice! I could never do that.

The party was actually at a really nice home in Winnetka. Lord, the homes in this town were amazing. All mansions and huge yards. I couldn't imagine the average income per family in this town. To top it off, the house was filled with people; there must have been at least 100 people here. The music was blaring and the alcohol was obviously flowing.

We found our way to the bar and started hanging out in the pool room. Paul saw a few guys he knew and he struck up a game of pool. He asked me first if I would mine and of course I didn't. I sat on a high stool and watched the game. Soon I heard my name being called and when I turned my head I realized it was Tyler from the Theta Chi house.

"Long time no see Bella…how have you been? I haven't seen you at any of our parties since we met." He remarked.

"Oh I'm great. I haven't been to too many parties lately because I have to work so much and I am taking some classes part time. How have you been Tyler?" I asked him.

"Great. Great. You know, I never got a chance to ask you if I could take you out sometime? I wanted to the first time we met but I didn't have the chance," he asked me.

I was about to say no thank you to him when I heard Paul's voice behind me.

"Hey, no Bella doesn't want to go out with you…she's with me." He told Tyler.

"Oh, sorry Bella. I didn't know you were here with anyone." He said to me.

"Tyler, don't worry about it. How could you have known?" I said to him. I looked over at Paul and glared at him briefly. Where did this caveman reaction come from? I didn't like it. Tyler wasn't being rude but Paul's tone certainly was. I was really surprised that he could have such a reaction to an innocent question.

Not wanting to make the situation more uncomfortable I excused myself to go to the bathroom. On my way upstairs I saw Alice talking to someone and pulled her to the side.

"Well you missed out on a dog pissing on me." I told her.

"What? I didn't see any dogs in the house…where is it?" she asked.

"No, what I mean is, Tyler is here and asked me out and when Paul heard him he stepped in and marked me as his territory." I told her. "He was pretty rude to Tyler…Tyler didn't know I was here with anyone."

"Oh Bella, don't forget that Paul's last girlfriend cheated on him. He's probably just a little insecure. You should talk to him about it. I'm sure it's nothing." She reassured me.

Maybe she was right. Certainly if my boyfriend had cheated on me I would be pretty paranoid.

I found the bathroom and headed to the kitchen for some snacks. Jake was standing next to the bowl of chips so I went up to him and starting catching up with him.

"So where is your latest victim?" I asked him. "She didn't dump you already once she realized you were a man-whore, did she?" I teased him.

He grinned at me, "No, she saw some of her friends here and they are in the living room talking. Thought I would get a leg up on the late night snacks in the meantime."

"So, is she in the running to become the first girl you will see more than once?" I asked him.

"Probably not," he answered me. "I mean, she's nice enough but there is no real chemistry."

"Oh Jake, I feel sorry for all those girls. I guess the upside for them is that they don't get involved with you intimately before you drop them like hot potatoes."

"Intimate? Oh, you mean if I have sex with them? Well, actually I do with most of them. But I never promise them anything and no one has really complained so far." He explained to me.

"What? You sleep with all those women that you only see one time? Are you serious? Jake that is just awful. Obviously you already know you don't want to see them anymore and yet you still sleep with them? That is just _wrong_." I scolded him.

"Bella, I'm not trying to hurt anyone and it's not like I am making them do something they don't want to. It's just sex. And they are ok with it."

I was speechless. I could never be like that. I know it probably seemed as though I idealized what sex should be like between two people. And even though I had messed around with a few guys, I still believed that intercourse between two people should mean more than a 'hook up'. Was that wrong of me? I didn't think so.

I just shook my head at him disapprovingly and told him I would see him later. I went back downstairs looking for Paul. He was just finishing up his game of pool and smiled at me when I approached.

"Hey there," he said to me.

"Hi," I replied. "Do you mind if we get out of here?"

"Of course not!"

We told Jasper and Alice that we were leaving and headed out. When we got to the Cullens' I decided to mention the Tyler fiasco.

"You know Paul, I wanted to ask you about your reaction to Tyler asking me out…." I began.

"Bella, I'm sorry. I guess I got a little carried away," he interrupted me. "I don't know if you know this but my ex-girlfriend cheated on me and I guess I'm just a little scared that it is going to happen to me again."

"I suppose I can understand that," I said to him. "But Paul, I am not exactly your girlfriend, at least not yet, and I can handle myself. Tonight you made me feel like I belonged to you in some way and that you were marking your territory. I'm not the kind of person who would leave with one guy when I came with another. You are going to have to trust that I wouldn't do something like that to you."

"I'll try Bella. That's all I can promise. I do really like you and I'd like to keep seeing you. Do you still want to see me?"

I wasn't sure. I did, but that whole Tyler thing had set off my spidey senses. Had I read too much into his reaction to Tyler? I decided he deserved a second chance.

"Yes, Paul, I would like to see you again." I looked down at my hands in my lap. I suddenly felt a little shy.

Paul unbuckled his seat belt and leaned over to me, taking his hand and lifting my chin so that I was looking into his eyes.

"You are so beautiful Bella," he said to me right before his lips met mine. We sat in the car, kissing for a little while. He was a total gentleman, kissing me but not trying anything else.

"I'll call you later ok?" he asked.

"Ok," I answered him.

And with that I got out of the car. He waited in his car until I entered the brownstone and then took off.

I leaned my back against the closed front door and raised my fingers to my lips. I thought about the kisses I had just shared with Paul and remembered how soft and gentle his lips were. I smiled a little to myself. I wondered what it would feel like if I let him do more than just kiss me. I wasn't sure how far I wanted to go with Paul or even if my feelings for him were strong enough to warrant thinking about it. But I did know that I liked kissing him. It was with that thought that I smiled again and looked up directly into Edward's eyes as he stood in the dark hallway staring at me.


	16. Chapter 15

Chapter 15 EPOV

"What the fuck is going on here, Emmett?" I raised my voice at him.

"Dude, relax! She just drank too much and got sick and then passed out. I was just going to put her in the bedroom." He explained.

"Then why is she half naked?" I asked him. My eyes traveled greedily to every inch of her exposed flesh. Her skin looked so soft and my hands ached to reach out and take her from Emmett's arms.

"Edward, she puked all over me and herself then again in the toilet. When she finished she pulled off her dress and I don't know…she just passed out and I caught her before she hit the floor."

"Oh," I mumbled. "Well, get her into the bed and let me make sure she is ok."

I checked her vital signs and she seemed fine. I couldn't help but notice how she breathed softly, making her chest rise and fall in a slow pattern that pushed her breasts forward, teasing me with their full roundness. She was exquisite, more so than I had imagined in my fantasies. I shook my head in an attempt to dispel the longing I felt for this wisp of a girl. I rolled her a little on her side so if she threw up again she wouldn't choke and placed water and aspirin next to her bed. I looked down at her once more and reached my hand out to smooth her hair out of her face. My hand traced down the side of her head pushing the hair behind her shoulder. Her hair was soft as silk and the skin on her cheek was warm and flushed. How I longed to get in to the bed next to her and hold her in my arms. As Emmett returned with an extra blanket, I stood up from the bed and he put it over her. We went back upstairs.

"Em how could you? I had one request and you go out and get her drunk! What else happened?" I reprimanded him.

"First of all Edward, I don't have to explain myself to you even if I _had_ made a move on Bella, which by the way, I did not. Secondly, since when did I become her babysitter? I thought she was _yours_. And thirdly, I didn't get her drunk, she did that all by herself. I was just making sure she got to bed ok without falling down the stairs or hurting herself in the bathroom."

"I just thought you would automatically keep an eye out for her Em. And you have to admit that in the state I found you both in it looked like more than her being drunk." I told him.

"Yea," he grinned "I guess I can see that. But it's not like that Edward. I thought about what you said and you're right, it would be too risky to start something because I know how much you depend on her and I can't ruin that for you and Angela. Bella is a sweet kid. But she sure as shit can't handle her alcohol!"

"Well, anyway, thanks Em for helping her. I do appreciate it."

"No problem bro. I'm going to bed. I'm getting too old for this shit." He grumbled.

I was up early to go to work and didn't return until around 11 p.m. When I got home Bella was at the kitchen table doing her homework. She seemed startled to see me and she avoided looking directly at me. I guess she was embarrassed about the night before. I tried to assure her that there was no reason to be embarrassed and that I was just happy that she was ok.

The truth was though that I couldn't get her half naked body out of my mind. Even when I looked at Angela who had a beautiful body, I found myself comparing it to Bella's own curves. I felt awful when those images hit my brain but I was helpless to stop it. Seeing Bella in that state of undress was torture for me and only made the fantasies that I had of her worse. Now I had the exact pictures to go along with the made up scenes in my head. Last night after going to bed I was so hard with the fresh thoughts of Bella and how I had felt the skin on her cheeks and her hair, I couldn't sleep. I thought a warm shower would make me tired but instead I ended up wacking off to the fantasy of crawling into bed with Bella and taking her from behind slowly and then faster and faster. I think when I came it was the strongest self induced orgasm I have ever had. Her soft curves were now forever emblazoned upon my mind. Sleep didn't come until much later.

A few days later was the day Angela left for London. I had so many mixed emotions on that day. I was proud of my wife for all of her hard work and accomplishments. I was excited for her for this opportunity. I was depressed that we would be apart for a whole month. I was saddened that we would be separated for Christmas. I was disappointed that she would miss the twin's first birthday. And I was scared to death to be in the house alone with Bella.

I made love to Angela first thing in the morning when we woke up. I had asked Bella to take care of the twins when they woke up and get them their breakfast. I wanted to spend as much time in bed with my wife as possible. I would miss her terribly when she left. Afterwards we spent time with the twins, we went for a walk outside and talked about how we would try to stay in touch as much as we could from so far away. Angela hadn't shown any signs of remorse for being away at Christmas or for missing Ethan and Hannah's birthday. That is, not until that afternoon. As we walked around the block with the baby carriage I could hear the lump in her throat as she explained that Bella had all the presents for us and would take care of Christmas morning and the birthday celebration. She made me promise to take a lot of pictures and also to buy a webcam so that she could see the kids over the internet while she was gone. It felt good to know that she was capable of realizing what she would be missing while she was away. For awhile I began to doubt whether or not she really knew the importance of the events she would miss. But that day she showed me that she did.

I drove her to the airport alone. I knew it was only a month but it felt like it was going to be year. We held each other a long time before she had to leave to go through security. I stayed there until I couldn't see her anymore.

When I got home I really didn't want to see or talk to anyone. I just wanted to see Ethan and Hannah and go to bed. I was so tired and I felt drained.

The following weeks were filled with a lot of work. I hardly saw the twins awake. I was pulling double shifts and overtime in an effort to take the week of Christmas and New Year's off. In the wake of my absence, Em and Alice filled in to help Bella with the children. Even so, I knew she was putting in way too many hours by herself with the kids. I was very grateful that Bella was taking such good care of them. They seemed to handle Angela's absence very well which was a tribute to the excellent care that Bella was giving them.

Alice came to see me a couple of weeks in to Angela's trip to complain that Bella had no time off and that she wanted to make sure she got out on the weekend to have some fun. I agreed with her and I also told her that I would try to get Saturday night off so she could go somewhere with Bella. Turned out Alice was setting Bella up with a friend of hers named Paul. I knew I had no right to be jealous but I was. I regretted getting the night off. I didn't want Bella dating anyone. I knew she could never be mine but I was hoping she wouldn't date or find anyone she liked until after she left us at the end of her contract. I certainly did not want to see her fall in love with someone right in front of me.

I chastised myself for such thoughts, however true they felt, and told myself that it was a blind date and was probably doomed from the start. I mean, what were the chances that she would like the first guy that Alice introduced her to?

I got my answer later that night. I couldn't sleep after I put the twins down. I kept thinking about Bella and what they were doing on their date. I wondered if she liked Paul and if she did whether she would kiss him or do even more with him on their first date. Later on I heard a car pull up in front of the brownstone and then I heard a car door slam shut. I peeked through my bedroom down to the front of the house and saw a young man walking Bella to the front door. They stood talking for a few moments and then Paul bent down and hugged her slowly and from the looks of it, soundly. He also gave her a kiss on the cheek. I could see that Bella was smiling sweetly up to him. She definitely liked him it seemed. This was bad news for me. I could only hope that she was being nice and that the fact that she had not kissed him on the lips was perhaps a sign that she wasn't interested in being more than friends. Oh please, let that be the case!

Over the next few days I found Bella uncharacteristically attached to her cell phone. She texted someone constantly and I heard her softly giggling on the phone quite often. She was definitely talking to a man and I could only assume it was Paul. My prayers of friendship had obviously gone unanswered.

I began to doubt whether my assessment regarding Paul was correct when I called Bella from work on Saturday to ask if she could work that night due to an emergency at the hospital. She told me it was no problem and I guessed that it meant she had had no plans to go out. If she were dating Paul wouldn't they have had plans for a Saturday night? If I were Paul, I definitely would have manipulated every weekend night of Bella's. Hell I would have manipulated every day she would give me.

The following week was the same as the previous only this time I overheard her on more than one occasion refer to the caller as 'Paul'. My heart dropped. So it _was_ Paul. There was nothing I could do to influence this. It would be inappropriate to do or say anything to her. I had to live with this somehow.

I did end up getting a webcam and called Angela as much as possible but with the time zone difference it was nearly impossible to catch the twins awake at the same time as Angela. Her work was going well and she was very excited. I missed her. Though I couldn't exactly tell because Angela worked so much, I was sure the twins must miss her as well.

The following Saturday I got home earlier than expected. Emmett was babysitting because Bella went out with Alice. Or with Paul. I wasn't sure. Anyway, Em and I decided to order a pizza after we put the kids down and we kicked back a few beers and caught up. He would be leaving us soon, right around the time I would get my time off of work. I was very grateful that he had stayed as long as he had to help us out. Plus I got to spend some time with him. We lived so far away that we rarely had the chance to spend this much time together. Around midnight he headed to bed and I stayed up to watch some TV.

I told myself I wasn't tired but the truth was that I was waiting up for Bella. I was curious if she had gone out with Alice or with Paul. I kept praying that it was with Alice. Please be with Alice. Please be with Alice.

At some point, I heard a car pull up and I looked out the front bay window. All the lights were out in the house so no one could see me looking out. I recognized Paul's car. Dammit.

No one was getting out of the car. I could see both Bella and Paul from the window. They were discussing something for a while and then I saw Paul lean in and kiss Bella. And then it started. She was kissing him back and what started out with a kiss turned into a full blown make out session. I was like a deer in the headlights, I couldn't look away. I wanted to but I couldn't. I kept imaging myself in Paul's place and how I wished that it was me kissing her in that moment.

The longer I watched them kissing the faster my thoughts began changing. They morphed from imagining Bella in my arms to wishing I could kick the shit out of Paul. How dare he or anyone kiss Bella. She was _mine_. I felt a growl move itself up in my chest. What the hell? I stepped back from the window and turned my back to it. I told myself to go upstairs but I couldn't. Instead, I moved to the kitchen and got a drink of water. I tried to calm myself down and I wondered why that word had reverberated repeatedly in my mind just now. You know the one. _Mine_.

Suddenly I felt a little like Gullem in Lord of the Rings, talking about his _precious_, his ring. Only that maniacal voice of his used the word _precious_ and I was using the word _mine_ in the same crazy way. I seriously needed my head examined.

I resolved at that moment to move my ass up the stairs and go to bed. Bella was home and it was time to end this obsessive behavior and get to sleep. I started to walk down the hallway to the staircase when the front door opened and Bella came inside. She leaned up against the front door and was looking down towards the floor. She was obviously deep in thought. Then she raised her hand to her lips, her lips that seemed a bit fuller from being kissed and smiled to herself. She looked pleased, almost happy and it appeared to me that kissing Paul was the reason for that. I couldn't stop looking at her distracted face. Even in the dark I could tell that her cheeks were flushed and that she was breathing heavier. Was this what she looked like when she was aroused? Because if it was, she looked amazing. She bit down on her lower lip for a moment, smiled again and then looked up directly into my eyes. It was hard to avoid me. I stood directly in front of her, not 15 feet away. But I stood in the dark, so initially she hadn't noticed me.

I heard her intake of breath quickly, I had obviously scared her for a moment.

"Edward!" she exclaimed. "I didn't see you there. I'm sorry if I was too loud coming in just now."

I couldn't say anything. I just kept staring at her. I kept staring at her lips. She had the most amazing mouth. Her lips were parted while she breathed slightly quicker than normal. Oh what it must feel like to share a breath with her!

"Edward? Are you alright?" She asked me.

I couldn't answer her. I moved slowly toward her as if in a trance. I don't remember moving my feet but somehow I was standing in front of her. It wasn't a conscious choice. My body just took over. I was still staring at her lips and then I moved up to look in her eyes.

"What?" I whispered.

"Are you ok?" she asked again.

"Yea, I'm fine." I answered in a dreamlike trance. I couldn't stop looking at her. I began to realize that I was making her uncomfortable but up until that moment I was incapable of answering her or moving from my spot. I moved my hand up to brush the back of my hand across her face and over her cheek. That hum that always accompanied touching her was there again. It didn't surprise me. I craved that electric feeling even if only for a moment. It was addicting. _She_ was addicting.

Neither one of us moved. We both just looked into each other's eyes. I heard her breath hitch in her throat and I deliberately held my breath for fear of doing something that might scare her away. I swallowed thickly, trying to think of something to say.

"I ah…ah…sorry, you had something on your cheek. It's gone now." I turned abruptly and ran up the stairs, away from the heavenly creature behind me.

What had possessed me to touch her? What did I hope to accomplish? I may have just ruined everything! What the hell have I done?

**A/N:**

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	17. Chapter 16

Chapter 16 BPOV

The week before Christmas sped by faster than I could have imagined. With all of the homework I had and finals approaching there was not one spare moment for myself. Paul, Alice and Jake were all going through the same thing so we all understood that we wouldn't see each other until it was all over.

Angela called on the cell phone each day around dinner time. I could tell from her voice that she was exhausted. She had me place the phone up to the twins' ears so they could hear her voice. Dinnertime in Chicago was around midnight in London so she must have been working late every night.

I was extremely grateful for Emmett staying with us. With all of my extra school work and Edward's insane work schedule, Emmett became a necessity for childcare. The twins adored him you could tell, they were always giggling around him. He was really just like an overgrown child. He would be leaving us the day after Christmas and I knew I would really miss him. We had struck up quite a good friendship over the last month.

Since the evening that Edward touched my cheek in the dark hallway I hadn't seen him. He left me notes with instructions for the twins or his schedule, he would call if he needed anything but other than that we were like ghosts haunting the same house.

To be honest I was sort of relieved. That moment in the hallway had me spinning. I existed in a whirlwind of emotions since that evening. I was mesmerized by Edward's gaze as he approached me in the hallway; I was incapable of looking away from his amazingly deep green eyes. They sucked me into their vortex and wouldn't let me go. Before I knew what was going on he was towering over me, looking down into my eyes. I could feel his soft breath on my face. His breath smelled heavenly. I almost closed my eyes in an attempt to enjoy the scent and his nearness. But I couldn't look away, I was transfixed by the beacon I saw in his eyes. I felt like he looked into my soul for those few moments and I wanted him to stay there forever. My breath hitched in my throat. My physical reaction to the close proximity of his body to mine was shocking. I felt every nerve in my body stand at attention awaiting his next move.

I could see his hand come up towards my face and I dared not hope that he would actually touch me; surely this must be a dream? But he did touch me. It was almost like a caress with the back of his hand over my cheek. I felt flushed and I was grateful for the darkness so that the redness I felt burning through my skin would not be noticed by him. The moment he made contact with my skin I was on fire, the electrical charge that I always felt when he touched me was there again, coursing through my entire body right down to my toes.

This wasn't normal. I know as an 18 year old girl I had raging hormones. But for all that is holy, I knew this was not a normal crush or lustful feelings for an attractive man. This went so far beyond what I had ever heard of between two people and I was at a loss as to know what exactly it was. I only knew that I was a slave to its call and God help me if Edward were to try to kiss me right now I would kiss him back. Because I had to know. I had to know what it was that surged between the two of us.

As quickly as he had touched me, he was gone and up the stairs. My body literally ached with his absence.

I felt like a fool. No, perhaps idiot described it better.

Before he left me standing there he said there had been something on my face, that is why he had touched me. That must have been why he had to stand so close to me, it was dark, and he couldn't see what it was unless he got closer.

I know I did not imagine my physical reaction to him. But clearly, if I _had_ entertained that Edward could feel anything remotely similar to what I was feeling, I was dead wrong.

What a fool you are Bella Swan.

I tried to shake off the residual electrical current that flowed through me. I had to deal with the fact that I would always have this reaction to Edward and that he had no idea that he did this to me. Why didn't I feel this with Paul? Or Mike? Why did it have to be with the most unattainable man on the planet?

It took me forever to fall asleep that night and when I did, of course, you just know, I dreamt of Edward.

It was Christmas Eve. Edward had the next week off until the beginning of January. Angela had talked Edward into inviting as many people over for the holidays as he could. She felt that having people around would ease her obvious absence during the holidays. He decided that Christmas Eve would be just family, inviting only Emmett and Alice to join us.

On Christmas Day he wanted me to take the whole day off and do whatever I wanted to do or spend it with him and the twins if I wanted. His point was that he wanted me to relax and not feel like I was working if I decided to stay home. In the evening everyone was invited back for dinner and they were told to bring a date if they wanted. Edward didn't tell me directly to invite Paul, but Alice did. I didn't think he would come but I asked him anyway. Surprisingly he said yes he would love to, apparently he wasn't very close to his family and would prefer to spend the time with me.

Today Edward had a special request. Apparently with all the working he had been doing he had had no time to shop for Emmett and Alice. He asked me to go to the mall with him and help him pick out something for Alice. We packed up the twins and went first thing in the morning. Why is it that men always waited until Christmas Eve to do their shopping? I would never understand it.

The streets were packed on the way to Old Orchard Mall. Obviously Edward was not the only last minute shopper. First stop was to pick up a Wii for Emmett that Edward had ordered ahead of time but had no time to pick up. He had also picked out 20 different games for the thing as well. Edward said that Emmett had helped us so much while Angela was gone that he had to do something over the top for him. It really was the perfect gift for Emmett, he had just told me the week before that he was planning on getting one soon.

Alice of course was more difficult. What do you get a woman who dresses like she's going to a Vogue modeling job every day? I knew she had recently purchased her favorite perfume so that was a no go. She had mentioned to me once that she needed some gold hoop earrings. So we went to a jewelry store.

We found a pair that I knew she would love in 18K gold. Larger of course so they couldn't be overlooked. The gold had a very unique design and they were very expensive. Edward told the lady that he would take them and to please have them wrapped.

There were so many people in line for the wrapping so it would be a little while.

"Are you really disappointed to not be going home?" Edward asked me.

"A little. I mean, I miss my parents but they will be on a cruise anyway so what is the point in going home, right? Besides, not only do you need me here, I really don't want to miss Hannah and Ethan's first Christmas and birthday. I won't be with you guys forever and I want to be here for that." I told him. I could feel a little lump in my throat at the mere thought of saying goodbye to the two cherubs that had captured my heart. I looked up at Edward. He was looking down at me with those glowing green orbs of his with a strange look on his face.

"What?" I asked him.

"Nothing. I'm just glad you're here. The kids love you so much Bella and with Angela gone I couldn't be more grateful for them to have someone so loving caring for them." He said to me.

I felt a little awkward under his gaze. I was never good at taking a compliment and something like that coming from Edward was even more difficult to take in. "That's really nice of you to say Edward, thank you."

I looked around, feeling a bit uncomfortable with the direction of the conversation. I noticed again that this jewelry store had the most beautiful things I had ever seen. I decided to explore a little as we were waiting and was walking by the rings when I spotted the most beautiful emerald ring. I had never thought of myself as an emerald fan but the moment I saw this ring it reminded me of Edward's eyes. It was an oval shape with diamonds on each side set on a gold band. It was large enough that I could imagine wearing it on my first or middle finger.

"See anything you like?" the saleslady asked me.

"Oh, thanks but I was just looking." I answered her.

She took out the ring I had been looking at and put it in front of me. How do they always know what you are looking at, I wondered. "Try it on," she said.

"Really, no thank you, I was just looking. It is very pretty though thanks." I told her.

"Try it on," Edward said over my right shoulder. He startled me. I hadn't realized that he had followed me around the store.

"No, no, I was just looking…" I tried to explain.

"Just try it on. You don't have to buy it." He said.

So I put it on. It fit my first finger perfectly and looked really nice. "It is really pretty," I told the saleslady. "Thanks for letting me try it on."

"My pleasure," she said.

As she stood in front of me I heard someone call our number for the wrapped package. Edward said he would go get it and I stood where I was with the twins.

"You two look very much in love," the saleslady said, "you can always tell by the way two people look at each other and the way that man looks at you…well, you are one lucky lady." She finished.

Say what? I was shocked. "Oh no, we aren't…"

"Excuse me Miss…may I see this watch please?" a customer yelled at her.

"Oh excuse me Miss. Have a pleasant holiday." She said as she walked away.

I stood there absolutely dumbfounded. Edward looked at me like he was in love? I looked at him like I was in love? Dear Lord, is that what I looked like every time I looked at him? If that was the case then everyone must know how I feel about him. Oh my God, I think I am going to hyperventilate. Shit. Right in the middle of the store. This cannot be happening. Everyone must know about how I feel and I thought I was doing such a great job of hiding it.

Wait a second. Ok, I knew how I felt and even though I had been trying to hide my feelings it was bound to come through at some point. I could only hope that this stranger was the only one to see it. But she had said that we both looked at each other that way. Did Edward look at me as if he loved me? Could that even be remotely possible? And if it was, how did I feel about that?

Hmmmm. Looking at each other like we were in love. The way he looked at me she had said. Maybe I hadn't imagined all those moments. Maybe the electrical current was shared by both of us?

No, I couldn't go there. First of all it was said by a stranger who saw twins in a carriage and the two of us together and just drew a natural conclusion. Secondly, even if it were remotely true, it would do me no good. Edward was a man, not a teenager. He would have no interest in someone like me with no life experience, just starting my education and my life. And more importantly, he was married to a wonderful woman who was very good to me. For all those reasons and more it wouldn't matter if he _did_ look at me or actually have feelings for me.

Get a grip Bella, stick to your late night fantasies and your new boyfriend.

"Ready to go?" Edward asked me.

"Absolutely, yes!" I answered him.

Christmas Eve turned out to be a lot of fun. We had picked up an already prepared Turkey from the store with all the fixings so that no one would have to cook or clean up. We got Angela on the webcam so she could see the twins in their cute little Santa outfits in front of the tree. Once the twins were in bed we played board games until 2 a.m. and drank spiked eggnog. Emmett cheated throughout, Edward kept catching him and towards the end of the night everyone was cheating. But through it all we laughed - a lot!

The only gift giving were gifts for me as my tradition at home followed my father's which was to open gifts on Christmas Eve. His family from Germany did it that way and he had continued the tradition of course. Alice had gotten me a beautiful dress. Emmett had gotten me travel books covering Europe, South America and Asia. Edward and Angela had bought me a spa day at Elizabeth Arden and a large gift certificate at Amazon for my kindle or whatever else I wanted. Everyone had been way too generous!

It had been a long but very nice day. We all fell into our beds exhausted.

Christmas was no less hectic. I let everyone get up and spend time together as a family without me. I knew they would be exchanging gifts and calling Angela and I wanted to give them some alone time. When it sounded like they were done, I went upstairs and prepared brunch for all of us. Then we all went out for a walk in the park with the twins. Paul, Jasper and Jake were coming over at 7 p.m. Jake had called the night before and told us that he would come after all. He would be spending the day with his father but would be free in the evening. I decided to relax and take a bath. Edward decided to nap with the kids. Alice and Emmett decided on watching a movie. It was so nice how we all got along.

I had made lasagna a few days before so that I could just pop it into the oven for dinner. By the time everyone arrived it was done and everyone pitched in, making the salad and garlic bread.

I have to say that the moment Paul arrived it was strange for me. That was the first time that Edward met my boyfriend and to have these two together sharing space was kind of surreal to me. Edward was a complete gentleman of course, as was Paul. They didn't say much to each other after the initial introduction. I thought that was a bit odd since Edward seemed to have a lot to say to Jasper and Jake. Paul was a very interesting person and I didn't understand why I never saw them exchange even one word.

Emmett had opened champagne for everyone and was distributing the glasses. Edward brought a glass for me. His hand briefly touched my fingers as he handed me the champagne flute and I felt that buzz again. We both looked into each other's eyes briefly and looked away. I looked around to see if everyone had their glass and my eyes found Paul's. He was looking at me intensely and then quickly looked away again.

The doorbell rang. Emmett jumped up and ran to the front door. "Hold on everyone!"

A minute later a tall gorgeous blonde walked into the living room with Emmett. "Guys, this is Rosalie Hale, my date this evening. Rosalie, this is my brother Edward, my sister Alice, Bella is my brother's au pair, Paul is Bella's boyfriend, Jasper is Alice's boyfriend and Jake is….Edward's date tonight."

"Hey!" Jake yelled out indignantly.

Everyone started laughing. "I certainly hope I am not going to be tested on that information immediately." Rosalie said.

Rosalie seemed to fit in with all of us right away. Emmett got her a glass of champagne and then we all raised our glasses for a toast.

"Well, as this is my home, I guess I will do the toast tonight. I know my family has much to be grateful for this holiday and I just want to tell you all that I love you, well, most of you …and to the rest of you…thank you for being our friend and being here in our home tonight. God bless us, every one!" Edward toasted.

"Here here," a few of us remarked.

Everyone took a drink.

"May I say something?" I asked.

"Of course!" said Emmett.

"I just wanted to thank everyone for making me feel like I belong to this family while I have been here and though this will be my only Christmas with all of you I will remember it always and cherish all of the memories. Thank you again." I said with a huge lump in my throat.

"We love you Bella!" yelled Alice.

We all drank again. And so the night officially began. We all gathered into the kitchen and served up our plates and sat down in the dining room to eat. Afterwards we had Christmas movies on and played charades. The champagne never stopped and everyone was feeling very good well into the night.

We got Emmett to tell us where he met Rosalie. He apparently met her at a Blackhawks game and had been seeing her already for a couple of weeks. They made a stunning couple. I asked her if she had family in Chicago, I was wondering why she was spending Christmas with us. She said that her parents had passed a few years before and she was an only child. I guess that explained it.

I was afraid that Jake would feel like the odd man out but he was great. He was a jokester all night. I asked him why he hadn't brought a date. He said bringing someone to a Christmas party would insinuate a more serious intention on his part and he didn't want to mislead anyone. Well that certainly sounded like Jake!

I also noticed that Jake didn't speak much to Paul either. The only ones really talking to Paul were Jasper, Alice and myself. I mean, Emmett and Rosalie did a little bit but they were more into each other than talking to my boyfriend.

Paul was quite attentive all evening. He rarely left my side and when he did it wasn't for more than a few minutes. Every time we walked under the mistletoe he would grab me and kiss me. He started the whole thing, and after the first 3 times everyone started doing it. It seemed as if everyone was going out of their way to pass under it so they could kiss, like anyone would need an excuse to do that! Toward the end of the night after way too much champagne, Edward mistakenly walked under the mistletoe and Emmett jumped up and kissed him on the cheek! We were all rolling on the ground laughing. Edward was _pissed_. I had never seen him so angry. But after a while he started chuckling too, I guess he finally realized that we all knew it was a joke and that he was taking it all too seriously.

Everyone was staying the night because we had been drinking. Jake and Paul were designated on the couch in the living room. Rosalie was of course staying with Emmett and Jasper with Alice. I could tell that Paul was hoping that he would be invited in the basement with me. Thankfully, that was cleared up early on without my involvement. When we first started drinking Edward looked directly at Paul and said that he and Jake should stay the night on the living room couches. End of discussion.

I don't remember what time we all went to bed. Everyone else had already settled down and I decided at the last minute to load the dishwasher so there would be less to do in the morning. Suddenly I noticed Edward standing in the kitchen doorway. He was leaning against the door with his arms crossed. My mouth immediately dried up looking at him; he looked so sexy leaning there like that.

"Did you have a nice Christmas, Bella?" he asked me softly.

I hesitated for a moment trying to think clearly. "Yes I did Edward. Thank you. And you?" I asked him softly in return.

"Surprisingly yes," he said thoughtfully. "Here let me help you, it will go faster."

We worked as a team to finish up the kitchen. We never touched but I distinctly felt something between our bodies as we stood next to each other working. I could barely concentrate.

We turned out all the lights and checked all the doors, being very quiet since everyone was sleeping. On my way back from the living room to make a last check on the guys I passed under the mistletoe. Edward walked right up to me and looked up at the mistletoe. Then he looked down at me.

He bent down slowly towards me and very gently brushed his velvet lips over my right cheek. "Merry Christmas Bella," he whispered near my ear. The moment his lips touched my cheek my eyes closed automatically and I felt all the air leave my lungs as I exhaled. I was literally shaking from his touch. It was a thrilling feeling.

He stepped back and I opened my eyes.

"Merry Christmas Edward." I said to him softly. I think there was a longing in my voice as well.

He turned slowly and walked upstairs to bed.

I continued walking over to the basement door to go downstairs.

"He wants you, you know."

I turned around to find Paul standing in the living room doorway watching me intently.

"What?" I asked him.

"Edward. He wants you." He repeated.

"Oh Paul, that is ridiculous. You are drunk. Go to bed. Good night." I told him.

I went downstairs to bed.

As I got myself ready for bed I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that two separate people who did not know Edward at all had said to me that he was attracted to me in some way. One described it as love, one said it was want. But both had said something that spoke to my deepest desires.

Could it really be possible that Edward harbored the same feelings for me that I felt for him?

**Dear readers of ATR,**

**It's rec time! (Yay!): I gotta confess that I tend to bat for the underdog. There are a tremendous number of great fics out there. Fortunately, many of them rightfully receive the kind of attention they deserve. But there are many that don't. So, I will try to bring out some of these lesser known gems for you.**

**The first one I have in mind is called **A Family Affair** by babakisses. In this NM AU, Edward leaves Bella but unwittingly ends up getting together with Bella's cousin (I know! what are the odds!). Of course, Bella finds out eventually. I am waiting breathlessly to find out how the author gets Edward out of this predicament! Here's the link: http:/www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/5185671/1/A_Family_Affair**

**The other one is a brand new story called ****Beautiful Sorrow**** by DreamOfTheEndless. This AH story opens with a very ominous note and you know immediately that something is not right about Bella's life. Very few hints are given, but it got me pining for more. This is the author's maiden voyage into ficdom. Please show her your support, if you like the story. Here's the link: http:/www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/6886175/1/Beautiful_Sorrow**

**I have the added honor of actually chatting with the authors and I know they are awesome people. **

**Thank you. Parama**


	18. Chapter 17

Chapter 17 EPOV

The holidays came and went with the usual fanfare; minus Angela of course. I knew it would be difficult to get through the holidays without her, especially for the children. Or so I thought.

As it turned out, Bella slid into the role of mother and caretaker as if she were made for it.

After I went upstairs to bed Christmas evening, I wondered where Angela was at that moment and how she had celebrated the day. And though I missed her presence with us with all of our family here I realized that it hadn't been as difficult as I had imagined.

If I were to be completely honest, it hadn't been difficult at all.

That's not to say that her absence was not felt. It was. But I had imagined that I would ache for her to be here with us. And I hadn't.

At first I thought it probably was because of Angela's foresight on inviting as many people as possible for the holidays. But the more I thought of it I realized, that was not it. I could have been home alone with the children and Bella and it would have been enough. Spending the day shopping with Bella had proven that to me. We got along seamlessly. When I spent time with Bella I nearly felt as though we were the only two people on earth, tuning out the world effortlessly. Well, until the kids would make one of their demands known of course!

I spent the better part of Christmas week pondering my feelings and reactions to being home without Angela and what it meant not to have pined over her absence. I felt as if I had a constant inner war raging within me regarding my marriage. One side of me argued how perfect Angela and I had been together before the children were born, with so many interests in common and our shared past history. The other side raged against this logic, screaming at me not to throw away the obvious love I had for Bella. It argued that this kind of feeling for another soul didn't come along every day and I needed to honor that.

But I couldn't.

The war continued to rage and I knew that it would probably never stop. I would never give into the 'Team Bella' side because that was not the man I was. However much I wanted her, I knew I could never have her.

Of course that did not stop me from dreaming about it, fantasizing scenarios of the two of us locked in a timeless embrace. My dreams consisted of every imaginable situation that the two of us, as a couple, would find ourselves in. Everything from picking out furniture to arguing about which DVD we would rent. And of course after all the arguing there would be amazing make up sex. With the chemistry that I had felt for Bella over the last year, I knew that the two of us would be remarkable in the bedroom. Not that I would ever find out in my lifetime but it certainly was something that I played around with in my head whenever I had spent any time with her.

So you could imagine what was going through my mind as I laid in bed Christmas evening. After two entire days with Bella I was more smitten than ever. She had such an easy loving way about her. She was accepting and uncomplicated. She embraced life and you could tell that the people in her life were more important to her than anything else. She loved my children and they loved her as well. She was patient, kind and thoughtful.

She was also sexy as hell. I didn't know exactly what it was about her and to be honest I didn't care. I was in love with her. I had decided that I could never act on my feelings but I could at least dream of what it would be like to be with her. But I had to get control of my feelings when I was in her presence.

I had already caught Paul on a number of occasions tonight staring at the two of us. He'd had an odd look to him when I would catch his eyes and he would look away, but not until after he had made it a point of letting me know by the look in his eyes that he was watching me.

In all fairness I didn't blame him. If Bella were my girlfriend I don't think I would take her out in public at all. The idea of men gawking at her and coming on to her already drove me a little crazy. I didn't doubt that Bella had a loyal heart but you can't trust men! No, she would have to stay home 24/7! _Yea, like THAT would ever happen._

All of these thoughts and feelings were new to me. I had been married for a while and had two children and yet the feelings I was having at this moment were completely foreign to me. My wife is a beautiful woman. She spent 90% of her time working with men. It had never bothered me. I never felt any jealousy towards them at all. To be honest I rarely noticed what she wore and I seldom asked where she was going if she was leaving the house. I attributed all of this to the fact that we had been together for so many years and knew each other so well that we didn't need all this superfluous information about each other. We also didn't need our egos to be stroked by noticing clothing or hair or the like. We were easy with each other, uncomplicated. Or so I thought.

Bella bursting into my life upset every delicate balance that was in place. I no longer viewed my wife or my life the same. And that was not a good thing. How would I return to everyday living once she was gone? How would I survive saying goodbye to the only person I had ever met that made me feel truly alive in every sense of the word?

I didn't have the answers.

I was afraid of the future now. I knew what it held for me and though I cherished the idea of spending every moment I could with my children, I had become indifferent about my career and how I felt about Angela. I _did_ care for her. But what I had thought was love I now recognized as a deep friendship. Loving to be sure, but in love - not so much.

And to be truthful, the fact that Angela chose her job over spending the holidays AND our children's first birthdays with us really bothered me. Especially because I was eyewitness to the miracle that was Bella and how she had made these days special for all of us. That should have been Angela. I had been making excuses for Angela for months now.

On the one hand, logically, I knew how important her career was to her, how it had always been important to her. And ultimately, how it always would be. We would always play second fiddle to Angela's career. I thought I could accept that. I had made a deal with her when she got pregnant that the children wouldn't interfere with her plans. And I was holding up my end of the bargain. But it bothered me. Like a slow boil I could feel it building up inside of me, the anger and resentment. That was a bit unfair to her really. If I felt this way then I had to tell her and I had not done that.

When Angela got back from London we would have to have a serious discussion about this. We had a good life together and if we wanted to have a chance of staying happy together then some of her priorities were going to have to change.

We had said goodbye to Emmett the day after Christmas. But I had a feeling we would be seeing him again soon. He and Rosalie seemed to have really hit it off and I had no doubt that he would be visiting much more often from now on.

The rest of the week went by quickly. Since I had so much time off, I insisted that Bella also take as much time off as she could. Not only to give her a break from the children but also to give her time off from school. Luckily she spent most of the time out of the house with her friends.

I was grateful that she was spending most of her time off away from the house. It gave me much needed alone time with Ethan and Hannah. More importantly, the less time I saw Bella the less time I spent obsessing about her. Of course this was a double edged sword. Because if I wasn't obsessing about my feelings about her when she wasn't home then I was obsessing about what she was doing and whom she was doing it with. I could never win with that girl!

For the twin's birthday I just wanted it to be a small affair. Small as in just Bella, Alice and the kids. If their own mother couldn't be there then we would just celebrate it when she was back. I actually gave Bella an out and told her she should celebrate the New Year with her friends or with Paul. She declined and said that she never really celebrated the New Year and she wouldn't dream of missing Hannah and Ethan's first birthday celebration.

So we spent the day together, all of us, doing things I knew my children loved. And that meant just spending time with them. Bella made a big cake with matching number one candles in pink and blue. We bought so many helium balloons I lost count. We walked in the park, we sang for them, we watched teletubbie videos, whatever made them laugh and smile.

When it was time for them to go to bed they went down like stones, completely exhausted. All of us were tired as well. Alice had left a little earlier because she had a late date with Jasper. Bella was downstairs cleaning up all the food and remnants of the party. Once I knew the kids were deep in sleep I meandered downstairs to thank Bella for all of her help.

I walked into the TV room and saw Bella laid out on the couch fast asleep. She looked so peaceful in her slumber. It was nice to be able to look at her uninhibited. Not to have to hide how I felt about her from other watchful eyes. She was making little sounds in her sleep and her face had a worried expression on it. Then she started to move her head back and forth as if she was agitated about something. I wondered what she was dreaming of when all of a sudden I received my answer.

"Oh God….oh yes, Edward. Please…" She moaned suddenly. "Yes, mmmmmm…"

I was instantly hard.

Holy shit. I felt my breath freeze in my chest and all my muscles were taut. I couldn't believe what I had just heard. And not just my name but _those sounds_! Christ, she was going to drive me into an early grave with those moans.

I knew I should have left the room immediately. Regardless of the fact that she was in a room in the house where everyone spent time, I was, at that moment, invading her privacy. But I couldn't tear myself away. I had to hear more - _if_ there was more.

I had to get a grip on myself. I was standing in my own TV room with a massive hard-on, staring at my au pair as she was having some sort of an erotic dream where it appeared that I was one of the main headliners. Yea, I wasn't going to be leaving anytime soon. I knew it was perverted on some level and I didn't give a shit. If this was as close as I would ever get to sharing a sexual experience with Bella then so be it. She would never know about it, no one would, so I was safe to enjoy this little bit of voyeurism that I had a front row ticket to.

"Ahhhhhh! Edward….God…yes!" she continued on. She arched her back and started licking her lips and her arm came up and rested on her left breast.

_Oh God, help me, I think I am going to cum in my pants! If she starts touching herself in earnest I am in serious trouble. _

Her breath started becoming labored and though she didn't say anything else at the moment she started to moan louder. With every moan that escaped her beautiful mouth I felt myself become impossibly harder. I lowered my hand to my crotch and adjusted myself a little, trying to find some kind of innocent relief.

I knew there was nothing 'innocent' about what I was doing. But I was like a deer caught in the headlights. I was frozen to the spot I found myself standing in. I was completely entranced by the sight of the woman in front of me. She continued rolling her head from side to side, her long beautiful brown hair fanned out around her face. The whole time she continued to moan and then she started doing something that signaled the beginning of my end. She started biting down on her lower lip while moaning.

I had seen Bella bite her lower lip on numerous occasions. She did it at various times out of nervousness or when she wasn't sure about something. This time, when she started biting down I could swear I'd never seen anything sexier in my life. There was no stopping me now.

Instead of just adjusting myself I started to stroke myself outside of my jeans. I couldn't help it. It was becoming painful and though I couldn't move I also couldn't bring myself to unzip my pants. I knew I wasn't doing the right thing by standing there but I also couldn't cross that line and start rubbing one out right there in the TV room! I mean I was being sort of a pervert at the moment, I'll give you that, but I wasn't an outright pig.

I closed my eyes briefly in an attempt to get a hold of my feelings and pull myself away from what I was doing. When I heard a soft noise I opened my eyes to see Bella moving around more on the couch again, as if she were agitated for some reason. Then the hand that was not on her breast moved down to just above the apex of her thighs. Y_ou have got to be fucking joking! _

Then_ s_he turned on to her side at the same time. The movement must have jolted her awake because when I finally found the strength to tear my eyes away from her lowered hand, I saw her eyes looking directly at me.

She was awake.

She was looking at me.

Then she looked at my crotch.

Then she looked at me again.

Oh. My. Fucking. God.

**A/N **

**A reviewer last week said they imagined that it was important to an author to leave a review. I told her it was like cooking dinner all day and then your husband comes home, eats everything, and goes to bed without saying a word. Even hearing something critical so you can do better next time, is better than someone just eating your hard work and ignoring you. So, with that in mind…**

**Please review. All reviews are appreciated and answered by us!**

**Special shout out to Risk11111…the all time best reviewer/fan we could ever ask for. You rock!**

**And to my partner in crime Parama…you are truly my soul sister…I will never say goodbye to love… **

**If you haven't checked out Bring on the Wonder by Bronzehyperion OR In Vain by BrattyVamp then you don't know what you are missing. Check them out…you won't be sorry.**


	19. Chapter 18

Chapter 18 BPOV

_Huh? What….? Oh! I must have fallen asleep on the couch._

_Jesus, was my hand between my legs? Oh God, how embarrassing._ But what a dream I was having, I still felt breathless.

I opened my eyes and saw Edward standing at the entrance to the TV room. He had a very intense look on his face. Was he upset about something? Oh God, did he see my hand between my legs? Please, please just let me die right now I am absolutely mortified!

In that moment he looked directly in my eyes. I felt myself gasp slightly as I noticed the intensity of his gaze and how his eyes seemed to be a darker color. It could have been the light perhaps but they seemed like they were a deeper green.

I saw his arm move slightly and looked down towards his waistline. Had his hand been over his crotch? No, of course not, Edward wasn't that kind of a guy. But what I did see - and did not attempt to try to reason away - Edward was hard. There was no mistaking what was trying to push its way through his pants and from the look of it, he was of quite an impressive size.

All of these realizations only took a few seconds. Almost as soon as I realized that I had nearly gotten myself off in my sleep and that Edward had witnessed some part of it, he was gone. He had fled the room and was running upstairs without another look or word to me.

I felt myself flush a deep red and tried to figure out what had just happened. I was still trying to catch my breath. I knew I had been dreaming and that it had been some kind of sexual dream. I could still feel my hoo-ha screaming in protest from waking up too soon. I also realized that I was wet, really wet.

_Oh God, what had I been dreaming that got me so worked up?_

_Edward._

_Oh no. No please. Fuck me sideways. And not literally!_

I knew I talked in my sleep, my parents and friends had always teased me about it. There was a really good chance that I had been talking in my sleep. What had I said? Oh let's face it, did it matter? Either I had been moaning or saying his name while he watched or I had wacked off in front of him while he watched.

_I was so fucked. Again, not literally!_

What was I going to do? How could I ever face him again? What must he think of me? Would he say something to me? Because either way what happened was so inappropriate on every level it had me spinning. If he had heard me moaning and saying his name then he might know now that I either had the hots for him or that I had feelings for him. Not good. Or he saw me whacking off in the common area of the house where the children could have seen me, or anyone else for that matter. Also, not good.

I just wanted to die right now. I didn't think it was possible to feel so ashamed. I'd never been so mortified in my life. And that was saying a lot for me.

I rushed downstairs to go to bed. I didn't want to see Edward again tonight and I was too embarrassed to allow any kind of chance encounter after my display.

But sleep would not come easily to me. Why oh why could I not stop thinking or dreaming about that man. We had had such a nice innocent birthday celebration with the children and Alice. There was nothing sexual about it. Edward did not pay particular attention to me, he was always focused on the kids and his family. He didn't _exclude_ me, in fact, without much fuss at all he always made me feel part of the family.

But it was the way he was with Hannah and Ethan that drove me nearly to distraction. I found myself staring at him whenever he wasn't looking. He was so loving and patient with them. Anyone could see that he adored his children and would do anything for them. I'd never witnessed a father that was so in tune with his children. It was a sight to behold and I had a first row ticket to watch. So I did.

It wasn't lost on me how much I would miss the children when I left. And that time was fast approaching. But what preoccupied me a bit more was how I would deal with not being around Edward. Even though he worked all the time his presence was everywhere in the house and I was constantly aware of it. To go from living with them as a family one day to working for a bunch of strangers the next was daunting. I had gotten so used to living here and I just didn't know how I was going to adjust.

But I also realized that I was on dangerous ground. Edward and the children had become important to me in ways that were not acceptable. I daydreamed about them. About an alternate universe where Ethan and Hannah were _my_ children and Edward was _my_ husband. How we would travel together with the children and how I could finish school in Chicago.

_Stop it! What was I doing?_

That wasn't the first fantasy I'd had about that scenario and probably wouldn't be the last. I needed to stop daydreaming and focus on the here and now. The reality.

Angela would be coming home next week and everything would go back to being normal. This was her family not mine. And the fact was, Angela had been very good to me. How could I daydream about her family? It was a betrayal that I could not live with.

I looked over at the clock. 10:03 p.m. New Year's Eve and I was in bed at 10 alone. Great.

I decided to take my future into my own hands. I called Paul on his cell.

"Bella!" he screamed into the phone. I could hear the pounding music and noise in the background. "What are you doing?"

"Where are you?" I yelled into the phone.

"I'm at Excalibur downtown. It's so crowded here it's crazy! What are you doing? You want to meet me?" he asked me.

"Yes, how do I get in?"

"Just go to the VIP line and tell Dave the bouncer who you are…I'll tell him I'm expecting you. He's a good friend of mine and he'll let you in."

"Ok, I'll be there in an hour." I told him.

I called a taxi and they said it would take 30 minutes before anyone could get me. I wasn't surprised on a night like this. I jumped out of bed and got ready. I put on one of the dresses that Alice had gotten me; it was a strapless black number that looked appropriate for celebrating and some high heels. I also wrote up a note for Edward and put it on the kitchen table so he would know I was going out. I also wrote on the note that I didn't know what time I would be home. I still had time off from watching the kids so he wasn't expecting me to take care of them in the morning anyway.

I jumped into the waiting cab and met Paul. He wasn't kidding. It was crazy busy. It took me a while to find him. Excalibur had three different dance areas with three different kinds of music. He texted me that he was at the bar with the 'good' music. What he defined as good music I wasn't sure so I had to check each bar. It turned out top 40 was his idea of good music.

He looked great too. He had on a dark suit but no tie. As soon as he saw me he rushed towards me and picked me up in a hug.

"Bella, I'm so glad you changed your mind and came out. Is everything ok?"

"Yes, I just wanted to see you tonight." I told him. Which was a half truth. The whole truth was that I needed a distraction of sorts and since I genuinely cared for him I wanted to be with him to ring in the new year. I couldn't handle laying in my bed at midnight, knowing Edward was upstairs alone. That whole scenario started all new fantasies in my head and I couldn't deal with it. I needed to stop fantasizing about my life and start living it. And I would start doing that with Paul. Tonight.

"Good thing I have connections so you could get in here, huh?" Paul was smiling down at me and I could tell that he was really happy that I was there. I was too, actually. It was a good decision to come.

"I don't know what I would do without you Paul! So are we going to have a drink?"

"Of course! What would you like?"

"Hmmmm. You know what? Surprise me."

Paul ordered two beers and two shots of Jack Daniels. A little heavy for my taste, but what the hell? Why not! So we drank the beer and the shots. He ordered one more round of shots. After we downed those two he pulled me out on the dance floor and we danced all night. We had little breaks here and there to drink more and go to the bathroom but I swear I have never danced so much ever. And it was so much fun. Paul was a good dancer, he was also funny so I did a lot of laughing as well. At midnight we had shared a very nice hug and deep kiss and then we went back to dancing.

By 5:00 a.m. I was starting to get tired. And hungry. We walked over to Ed Debevic's for a chili cheeseburger and fries. Good thing too, I was very tipsy and so was he and we needed something to soak up all that alcohol.

He invited me back to his place to spend the night. I figured why not? New Year, new decisions. So I went with him. We got in a cab and it was just after 7 a.m. when we finally got to his place.

Paul lived in a studio apartment near campus. It was small but clean and, for a guy, decorated quite nicely. He threw his keys on the table and walked up to me slowly.

"God Bella, you have no idea how happy you made me tonight by coming out and meeting me. I had so much fun with you."

"I had a lot of fun too Paul. Thanks for everything. I don't think I've ever danced or laughed that much!"

He was standing very close to me now and I looked up into his eyes. I knew he wanted to kiss me. So I let him. He felt warm and nice. Comfortable. I raised my arms to embrace his neck while our tongues danced with each other lightly. His soft lips left mine to travel down the side of my jaw and down my neck.

"I want you." He said. I could feel his hardness press against my stomach as he embraced me closer to his body.

"Ah, Paul. I ah, I'm not ready for that." I whispered to him. "I really like you and I want to be with you but not like that, not yet anyway." The truth was that I wanted to fool around a little bit but when he came on full force like that I knew it would only be leading him on and I didn't want to do that. Damn it, why couldn't I just let my inhibitions go and be like every other college girl? I didn't know why but I did know that now was not the time for me to have sex for the first time.

"It's ok Bella, when you're ready, I'll be here."

His patience touched me. He was so kind and sweet with me.

"Want to spend the night anyway? You can sleep in a T-shirt of mine and I promise to be a gentleman." He offered.

"Are you sure you would be ok with that? I don't want to give you the wrong impression if I stay."

"Of course not Bella. I know when you're ready you'll let me know and I respect you for that. No worries. Really."

"Ok." I acquiesced. Why not? I went in to the bathroom and hung up my dress, putting on his University of Illinois T-shirt and some boxers. I also grabbed my cell phone and texted Edward that I was fine but that I was staying at Paul's place. Wonder what he will think of that after my shameless display to him this evening, I thought.

When I got out of the bathroom Paul was ready for bed as well. He was also wearing a t-shirt and boxers. We got into his double bed and cuddled up. We did a little bit of kissing but I pulled away rather quickly and told him I was tired. We both fell asleep after that.

In the afternoon Paul had woken first and was in the bathroom showering. When I finally woke up it was nearly 3 p.m. I waited for him to get out of the bathroom and then I took a shower. I had to put the dress back on that I had been wearing last night.

"How about some lunch?" Paul asked me.

"Oh God, that sounds so good right now but I really need to get home. More so because I don't want to go to lunch in this dress!" I told him.

"Why don't I take you home to change and then we can go get something to eat together?"

"You sure you don't mind?" I asked him.

"Of course not. I understand completely. Let's go."

Paul decided to wait in the car as I ran into the brownstone to go change my clothes. I didn't hear the kids or Edward downstairs anywhere. I removed my shoes and started toward the basement.

"Happy New Year, Bella."

I stopped in my tracks. That velvety voice always made my heart palpitate and today was no different. I slowly turned around and saw Edward sitting on the couch with a book in his hand.

"Happy New Year Edward, where are Ethan and Hannah?"

"They're still napping but should be waking up any moment. Did you have a nice time last night?"

"Ah, yea, I met Paul at Excalibur downtown and then we went to Ed Debevic's for burgers." I told him.

"I'm glad you had a nice time. Thanks for letting me know you were ok, I appreciate that."

"Of course. That was our agreement, right? I'm just going to change clothes quickly, Paul is waiting for me in the car. We're going to go to get something to eat." I said.

"Ok, well, have a nice time."

"Thanks Edward."

"Oh, and Bella, I nearly forgot to mention, Angela called today. I guess she finished up earlier than expected and she'll be home day after tomorrow."

"Aw…the twins will be so happy to see her." I said to him.

"Yes, they will." He said.

The silence between us after that became a bit awkward so I turned quickly and went to my room and changed into jeans and a sweater. When I came upstairs Edward was no longer there. I grabbed my stuff and ran outside to the car.

Paul wanted to take me to Carson's for the best ribs in Chicago he said. While we drove through the city I thought about Angela's homecoming. It couldn't come soon enough. I had been on dangerous ground the entire time she was gone and it was a good thing she was coming back. Her presence would help me prevent my ridiculous fantasies. With any luck she wouldn't be going out of town again until I had left Chicago for good.

I looked over at Paul's profile. Paul was a really nice guy, good looking, intelligent and there was no reason why I shouldn't be concentrating my imaginings on him. I decided that was my New Year's resolution. No more dreams of Edward. Start dreaming of Paul.

Somehow I had the feeling that trying to stop thinking about Edward would be as difficult for me as quitting smoking for others.

The next day while Edward spent time with the twins I attacked the house cleaning. I wanted Angela's homecoming to be perfect. I wanted her to see that we all did well while she was away and that I wasn't slacking off somehow just because she wasn't there. Edward didn't like that I was cleaning so much but the truth was I had too much time on my hands and I needed to find something to do.

I slept like a rock that night. No dreams. I guess I really had exhausted myself physically.

I decided to spend the day with Jacob downtown on the day that Angela was coming home. Edward wanted to take the twins to the airport to pick her up and I didn't want to be home to see the big homecoming. They needed time alone as a family.

So Jake and I played pool afternoon. I wasn't very good but Jake was, so he tried to teach me. We laughed a lot and made bets. All of which I lost. Then we went to the Hard Rock for dinner and went back to his apartment to watch a DVD.

He wanted to watch a comedy. I wanted something more intellectually stimulating. We watched Gladiator. Yes, this was my idea of intellectually stimulating. History and a gorgeous man to look at all at the same time. I was in heaven.

Jake kept making fun of me every time Russell Crowe was on the screen. He said my eyes were glazing over. And I supposed he was right. But I couldn't help myself. I was, after all, only human.

Halfway through the film, during a particularly brutal fight scene where I believe my mouth was hanging open in obvious awe of Russell's physique, Jake started to tickle me.

"Jake stop it….I'm going to pee my pants!" I screamed at him through my laughter.

"Then stop gawking at the TV…I swear I'm going to have to go get a towel for all that drool coming out of your mouth."

"I…am…..not….drooling…." I tried to get out in between laughing.

We simultaneously stopped what we were doing as soon as we realized that he was almost completely on top of me on the couch. I still had a residual smile on my face from laughing so hard. But Jake's face turned serious quickly.

"Bella" he said softly.

And all of sudden his lips were on mine. Gently but firmly. It felt nice. And weird. Holy shit, Jacob Black was kissing me. Mr. I-Have-Slept-With-Everything-on-Campus was kissing me! What should I do?

I broke from the kiss quickly before it could get any deeper. "Ah Jake? What was that?"

"Sorry Bella, I'm not sure. I mean, no I'm sure but I hadn't planned on doing that tonight." He said.

"You hadn't planned on doing that tonight? So you had planned to do this on some night? What's going on?" I asked him.

"Oh God, this is a mess." He groaned.

"No shit Sherlock."

"Look, Bella, I don't know how to say this so I'm just going to blurt it out, ok? I like you. I have always liked you and I have been wanting to ask you out since I met you. But I didn't think you would say yes because you were always making comments about the girls I date. The point is, I really like you and I want us to go out sometime." He confessed.

Shell shock wasn't even remotely close to the description of how I felt. What was I supposed to say to that? I did the only responsible thing. I told him I would have to think about it. And I did. I seriously had no idea what I was going to do.

I told him it was best if he took me home so I could start thinking and processing everything he had told me. I didn't want to lose Jake as a friend but I also couldn't deny that I liked him. The question was, did I like him enough to see us together romantically. And just as importantly, did I like him enough to break up with Paul? Because let's face it, Paul was not the sharing kind.

I gave Jake a hug in the car, promising him that I would think about it and call him as soon as I had decided what I was going to do. I let myself in quietly into the brownstone since it was quite late and headed towards my room.

"Ahhh, Edward, that feels so good!" I heard a woman's voice.

I froze in my place. I didn't want to turn around. I really didn't. But I couldn't not turn around. I couldn't stop myself. Soundlessly I moved my body around to see what I could, what I knew would be before me.

Edward was laying on top of Angela on the couch. They were fully clothed but his hand was kneading her breast under her shirt and he was kissing her deeply. I could see his muscles moving under his shirt as he caressed her. One of her hands was in his hair and the other one was on his ass, pushing him into her. I could hear the sound of their kissing and deep breathing in the silent house.

I was sick to my stomach.

I turned silently and ran quietly down the stairs.

I rushed into the bathroom and heaved everything from my stomach into the toilet. So much for my favorite nachos at the Hard Rock. I didn't think I would ever eat them again.

Losing my dinner was the least of my worries now.

With the last bit of my dinner emptying itself into the porcelain god went the last remaining bits of my sanity. It was at that moment that the biggest epiphany of my life hit me.

I was in love with Edward Cullen.

And my life would never be the same.


	20. Chapter 19

Chapter 19 BPOV

God my life really sucks.

I was dating an intelligent guy who really liked me. He was good looking, funny and I really liked him. He had some possessive issues but they had seemed to die down lately so I wasn't concerned with them. He wanted to make love to me but I wasn't ready yet. Truthfully, would I ever be ready? I was beginning to think I never would be ready for anyone. Well except maybe…_don't go there_!

My good friend Jake had recently made me aware of the fact that he carried a torch for me. He also was good looking, intelligent and funny and kissing him had been really great. But did I want to be with him? Not so much. Or at least, that was my gut reaction. I had promised him that I would think about it and I would. My head was spinning.

Did I mention I realized I was in love with my boss? Dear God, help me. When I saw Edward mashing with Angela on the couch, although fully clothed, I wanted to die. I threw up my dinner and went right to bed. I couldn't sleep for hours because the picture of the two of them in my mind swirled around and around much like the nausea in my stomach. Once I finally did succumb to sleep, I dreamed of laying on that couch with Edward, effectively replacing Angela in the same position.

God, my life really sucks.

I know…I'm repeating myself.

I woke up much earlier than I had intended and decided to just get up and face the day.

I hadn't yet greeted Angela since her return and I needed to do that. So after showering and dressing I went up and got the twins. I assumed that Angela wanted to sleep in with Edward – the thought of which made my heart clench – and just took it upon myself to start their day. I took them downstairs and started their breakfast. I had just started feeding them when I heard Angela enter the kitchen.

"Good morning Bella!"

"Morning Angela, welcome home. We all really missed you." I went up to her and gave her a hug. She hugged me back tightly

"Oh, it is so good to be home. I missed you all so much as well. The London weather was just awful during the holidays and spending it with people you don't know well…it wasn't so nice. But I did get a lot of work done … which is why I was able to get back early." She explained to me.

She looked glowing; really happy. No wonder after having earth moving sex with Edward I was sure.

"Well, I am certain the twins were thrilled to see you again and I bet you can't wait to get back to a routine with them and spend some time with your family." I told her.

"Oh Bella, I wish. With all the results and research we accomplished in the last 3 weeks, we have to get right back into the lab so there is really no let up for me. I did convince the lab to do without me today but starting tomorrow I have to jump right in again."

I was so disappointed for Ethan and Hannah. Although I had not seen her homecoming I was sure they must have flipped out when they saw their mother. They never got enough time with her. Then they missed the holidays and their birthday with her and now that she was back they would see very little of her again. I understood that her work was very important but spending time with her children was as well. I hoped I would never be that work obsessed when or if I ever became a mother. But, on the other hand, I guessed that was exactly why they needed me.

"So, I just wanted to thank you for all you have done while I was away. And even though Edward told me you have had the last week off, I want you to take today off as well because your last few months here are going to be so busy what with school and our schedules again. So take a little break. Maybe you should do that day at Elizabeth Arden today? You know, before school starts?" she suggested.

"Oh, ok. That's actually a really good idea. Ok, then can I finish up with the kids or did you want to do that?" I asked her.

"No, you go ahead. I want to feed them breakfast today if that's ok and you take care of yourself today."

"Thanks again, Angela. It's great to have you back."

I had never had a spa day. So I called the expert. I called Alice.

She nearly shot out my eardrum when I asked her if she wanted to come with me. We met up an hour later and headed over to the spa. We were poked, prodded, manicured, massaged, pedicured and more over a period of 8 hours. My body felt like jello by the time we were done. I definitely wanted to do that again someday.

I had filled in Alice on my impromptu New Year's Eve activities and then what happened the next day with Jake.

"So what are you going to do about Jake?" she asked me.

"I really don't know Alice. If I shoot him down it will change everything…he probably won't want to be friends anymore. And if I decide to try it out then I have to break up with Paul and I don't know that I want to do that either. I just really don't know what to do. I guess I just need some time."

"Well, what does your heart tell you? You know…your gut feeling?" she asked me.

My heart? My gut? Well, they were both pretty much screaming in unison that they wanted to fuck her brother and ditch both guys. Yea, that response won't go over well.

"I don't have a gut feeling about anything Alice. I guess I will just have to wait it out for a while."

"Well, I can't imagine that Jake will be patient waiting for you to make up your mind. And holy shit if Paul finds out what Jake said to you…I don't even want to think about that." She reminded me.

She was right. I knew she was right. Whatever I decided I had to do it as quickly as possible.

We ended the day with ice cream - best invention EVER. I was exhausted. Mentally as well as physically. So I went home and went right to bed. No one was downstairs when I got home but I could hear soft voices coming from upstairs. I really didn't want to see anyone and I didn't.

EPOV

I thought that the kids would flip when they saw Angela at the airport, but they didn't. They smiled and let her kiss them and hug them but they were relatively calm. Hell, they had more excited reactions to Bella and myself in the morning when we would collect them from their beds. Their reaction solidified my resolve to talk to Angela about her work schedule and the sorely lacking amount of time that she spent at home.

The days spent with Bella over the holidays had been wonderful. But now it was back to reality. I had made my decision and I was actually looking forward to seeing Angela, discussing some things and getting back to a normal life.

I only had to get through a few more months and then Bella would be leaving.

Oh God. Bella would be leaving.

Bella was leaving.

_Stop it!_

I needed to get my head on straight here. My wife was back, my children needed her more than ever and I needed to find a way to get through to her so that we could finally be the family we needed to be.

I held her to me and told her how much I had missed her. She hugged and kissed me soundly and we headed home. I didn't want to jump on her about her work the second we got home so I decided to wait a few days until things settled again. When we got home I noticed Bella wasn't home. As usual she was thinking of us before herself; no doubt she had left to let us have some family time.

We talked a lot about her work and London. I told her about all the wonderful things Bella had done for us and how Emmett had been so instrumental in making things easier on everyone while he had been here. By the time we were caught up it was time for the kids to go to bed. Once they were sleeping we went downstairs and sat down on the couch exhausted. I could tell she was jetlagged. But despite that she still reached over to me and started kissing me. One thing led to another and we were making out like teenagers on the couch.

It occurred to me after a while that Bella would be home at some point so I told Angela we should go upstairs so we could finish what we started. And we did. I didn't realize how much sexual tension I had built up in my body but that night I came like a freight train. Angela noticed as well, remarking that she could tell how much I had missed her. And I had. But not for the reasons she thought.

The next morning when I got up Bella had already left. Angela told me she had decided to do her spa day at Elizabeth Arden. This was my last day off as it turns out and perfect because Angela had the day off as well. I decided rather than wait a few more days I would take advantage of the time and talk to Angela about the kids.

"Honey, we need to talk about something today." I told her.

"Ok, that sounds a bit ominous." She said.

"Look, I don't know how to say this the right way so I am just going to spit it out and if it comes out wrong or whatever then just give me a chance to explain what I mean, ok?" I asked her.

"Sure. Of course. Go ahead."

"While you were gone I was thinking a lot about the twins and our life here, my work and your work and Bella, or more pointedly, the au pair situation," I started.

"Yeeessss….?" she asked me.

"Well, I think we both need to make a few more sacrifices at work to spend more time with the kids. At least until they get into school. These are their most important years right now and they barely see either one of us and I realized that it really bothers me." I told her.

"Edward, we discussed this when we had the children." I could hear her irritation starting.

"I know honey and look…I know I told you nothing would change and that you could still concentrate on work as much as you wanted but the fact of the matter is, the kids need us more right now, and later we can still concentrate on work but right now we have to change some things."

"That's how you really feel?" she asked.

"Yes, I really do. Not having you here for the holidays and their birthday, you rarely being here for breakfast and getting home after they are in bed…Ang..they barely know you. They are closer to Bella than they are to either one of us. Because that is who they spend the most time with…is that what you want? Do you really want someone else raising your children?"

"Edward, I love my children. I don't regret having them but you know I didn't want to have them at this time of our lives and you assured me that we would find a way. Well, we have. We have found a great au pair, the children are happy, you are home more than I so you spend lots of time with them when you can. I do what I can Edward…I am doing my best. But you know how important this work is …it could change lives and I get to be a part of that."

"And what about changing your children's lives?" I asked her.

"I am giving them everything I can, so are you and they will never want for anything. I have made sure they have the best of everything always. Don't try to guilt me now that the children are here and we can't go back in time to change our decisions…" She said.

"What? What do you mean by that?" I asked her.

"You know exactly what! If you hadn't assured me that things would not change I am not so sure I would have made the decision to have the kids. I am so glad that we have them, don't get me wrong…but if I didn't know them like I know them now, I may have decided differently if I had known that I would have to give up my life's ambition! And you know that. So don't put this shit on me now Edward. It's not fair!" she screamed at me.

"It's time to fucking grow up, Angela. Neither one of us knew what would happen when we had the twins and we have done the best we could so far but now adjustments have to be made. Because they are OUR CHILDREN. And more importantly they need us. Are you really going to stand here and tell me that your job is more important than your flesh and blood?" I sneered at her. I was livid and hurt. I was the only one who could stand up for Ethan and Hannah and God damnit I would. I owed them this.

"Oh please Edward, stop being so overdramatic. There is nothing wrong with Ethan and Hannah. They are perfectly cared for, perfectly healthy and you are …well, I don't know what you are right now but I think you are exaggerating." She responded to me.

"Our children need intangible things Ang, they need THEIR MOTHER. Don't you feel that they need you? Isn't there something inside you that draws you to them? You know, the moment I held Hannah in my arms for the first time I felt something change inside of me. I would do anything for them. And since I do spend more time with them than you do I can tell you that they need you. Now more than ever. And you need to do something about that or we are going to have problems. I know it seems unfair that I couldn't keep my promise to you that things wouldn't change. But tough shit Angela. We are talking about our children's lives and I can't believe that you are so glib about this."

"Ok look. I can see this is a real point of contention with you Edward. Let's step away from this discussion right now and let things calm down. Give me a few days to process what you are saying and then we can talk about it again, ok?" she proposed.

I guessed that was the best I was going to get at the moment. I honestly thought that she would react differently. At this moment I felt like I really didn't know her at all. I had thought she would understand what I was trying to say and that she would be more amicable to a change, even if only a little bit.

Wow, was I wrong. How can a mother not want to spend more time with her kids? I knew it would be a challenge before the kids were born but after my own reaction to the children when they were born I felt certain that Angela would have changed a bit as well. I couldn't have been more wrong. Well, I would have to see how this discussion would continue later and hope that she would change her mind. If not, I guess I would have to step up and reconsider the amount of hours I spent away from home. If Angela wasn't willing to step up then I would have to consider doing it myself. One parent was better than none, right?

We spent the entire day with the children. We walked them in the park and played with them in the snow a little. At first, it was a little difficult to put our conversation behind us so that we could enjoy the day. But as the day went on it became easier and easier. After all, we were doing what it was that I had hoped and asked for: spending time together.

Unfortunately by the end of the day two things had become very apparent to me. First, Angela was not at ease with the children. Not like Bella was. I never really saw her laugh and just be in the moment with them. And secondly, I often caught her daydreaming or off on her own with her thoughts, distracted by thoughts of work, I could only imagine. Even when she was with us she was not all there.

Maybe Angela was one of those rare women who just didn't have that maternal gene. I had heard of it before even though it was not common. Somehow she had never really connected with Ethan and Hanna and truth be told I wasn't sure she was capable of it. If that was in fact the case, could I really hold it against her that she poured herself into her work and not her children? Perhaps it just wasn't her fault.

And in all honesty Angela was correct in one thing: she always made sure the children had the best of everything. I remember how she had found Bella and the enormous amount of time and energy she had used to make sure that the babies had the very best care possible. The question would remain however, was that enough?

I didn't know and at the moment all I wanted to do was enjoy the day with my family. All too soon work for both of us would invade our little bubble and I would have plenty of time to think about it then.


	21. Chapter 20

Chapter 20 BPOV

God would this week never end? Or this month?

Since having my light bulb moment of realization about Edward it seemed to me that I had become hyper sensitive about everything in regards to living with the Cullens. Where before I worked for a fuck hot doctor and his ultra intelligent and nice wife and their two children, now I looked at everything with Edward glazed eyes. When I spent time with the kids I would notice how much they looked like _him_ and how being with them was, in a way, like being with _him_. I avoided speaking directly with Edward when I could because when I did actually exchange words with him I invariably would have to look directly into those amazing green eyes and now I found myself getting completely lost in them. I would forget what I was saying or I would say something stupid or embarrassing. I tried to get a grip on myself but for some reason I couldn't. I was hyper aware of my feelings for him now and there was no escaping it. And to make matters worse, I felt myself resenting Angela. Slowly but surely every day I felt myself resenting her or worse yet, imagining her with _him_ in bed and then feel myself boil over in a jealous rage. I was seriously having a hard time. I knew what I was doing was unfair to her and yet I couldn't help myself. It felt almost as if she had wronged me in some unspoken manner and my subconscious was taking it out on her. I occasionally found myself being short with her and then I would have to backtrack and apologize and make up something like having no sleep or too much school work. God, I was such an idiot. Why couldn't I control what was going on inside of me?If I didn't get control of my feelings soon I would be out of a job or I would have to leave my position early. I had thought about the latter, considering that perhaps that would be the best thing. But I had just started the new semester at school and I wanted to finish it. I also didn't want to say goodbye to the twins so early; I had really grown to love them and being with them for as long as I could was worth the uncomfortable moments that I had. And truth be told, I couldn't bring myself to voluntarily leave the world that was Edward. I knew I would have to leave at the end of the summer but that was not my choice. I was incapable of just walking away on my own.

So, I did what I thought would be best for me. I submerged myself in my school, my work and my friends. Which of course included my boy problems.

It seemed ridiculous to even contemplate what my feelings were for Edward and at the same time complain about having two guys interested in me. But in a way I guess I was lucky. Sure it sucked to have to hurt someone in this mix but at least I had someone, or in this case more than one someone, who liked me. I knew it was wrong to see either one of them as a distraction for myself but truly that is what they would be for me. I had no illusions about that. I mean, I generally cared for them both but they could never mean anything more to me than a friend with benefits. My heart belonged to Edward whether he was aware of it or not and that truth would not change.

I had a decision to make. Paul or Jacob?

After that kiss that Jake gave me last week I hadn't spoken to him. He had honored my request for time to think about things. Jake's kiss affected me no more than Paul's did. They were both nice, enjoyable kissers, nothing to write home about to be certain, but I did like kissing both of them. Thinking only about Jake for the moment I had to admit that this was a huge step for him. I always knew him as someone who didn't have relationships because he hadn't found the right person. And yet here he was, telling me I was the one he wanted to be with. So this was a big deal for him and I didn't want to shoot him down if I didn't have to.

Paul on the other hand was also a great guy and I had enjoyed being with him so far. We had never really discussed being committed to each other, we were just dating. So didn't that technically mean that I could also date Jake? I mean, after seeing Paul's possessive attitude it was implied that I would only be with him, but we had never out right discussed it. But did I feel comfortable enough to do this, knowing he was so possessive? If I told him about Jake's declaration and that I wanted to go out with Jake a few times - well, that didn't sound right either.

I decided to have an open conversation with Jake about it and let him decide for himself what he wanted to do. If he could accept me dating other people then I would go out with him to establish how I really felt about him. There was no other way to be certain.

I called him and asked him to meet me at the neighborhood coffee shop. When I got there he was already there having a coffee and reading a newspaper.

"Hey Jake,"

He got up from his chair right away in order to pull out mine. "Bella, you look really nice today."

"Ah, thanks," I replied awkwardly.

"So how have you been?" he asked me.

"Ok, I guess. Busy as usual, and with school starting a little overwhelmed as well."

"Did you want a coffee or tea?" he asked.

"No, not really. I just wanted to meet you in a neutral place so we could talk." I told him.

"Oh. Ok. Well, then I guess let's talk!" he replied.

"Jake, you know how much I like you and I have been doing a lot of thinking about all this as I promised you that I would. You also know that I have been dating Paul." I started. "Paul and I have never talked about us being exclusive but at the same time I think he is under the impression that, that is implied. He seems to be quite possessive. Anyway, I also really like Paul and the only way I can figure out a way for me to decide if my feelings for you go further or could go further than just being friends, is to go out with you on a date or two. That being said, I really don't want to discuss this with Paul because of his possessive nature and I also don't want to stop dating him because I do like him. But then there is still the problem of figuring out how I feel about you. And I also want you to know that I realize what a big step this is for you to have told me how you feel when you usually shy away from relationships. It's not my intention to hurt anyone and I don't want to hurt you either. So if you can agree to see each other sort of 'secretly' if you will, then I would be willing to see what happens between us. Or perhaps better said would be 'if' anything happens with us."

Ok, I got it out there. Saying it out loud actually made me feel a little sleazy about this. Maybe I should just not date anyone at all.

"That's fine by me." Jake interrupted my train of thought.

"Really?" I asked him quite surprised.

"Yes, really. I don't expect you to drop your life just because I told you how I feel. I realize I could have avoided the whole Paul situation if I had just told you from the start that I liked you but I was too chicken shit to do that. So this is the price I pay. Look, I have had months to get used to my feelings about you…you have had a little over a week to think about this. So I do understand. My only request though is that if you decide that you do have feelings for me, or Paul for that matter, that you make a decision about the two of us as soon as possible. Because for the record, I don't like to share either." He demanded.

"Of course. I have no intention of hurting anyone or dragging this out. I have never dated two people at the same time let alone date one in secret! I'm not even sure how to pull this off. I don't want to hurt Paul." I confessed.

"No worries Bella, we go out all the time as friends so it won't be that different. I'll try to keep my PDA to a minimum until we're behind closed doors. Is that better?"

"Yea, I think that would be good. Thanks for being so understanding." I told him.

"Ok then. So may I take you out on Friday night?" he asked me.

"Oh, ah…I can't. I'm going out with ah…Paul." I answered squeamishly.

"And the awkwardness starts….ok …brushing it off…how about Saturday?" he asked.

"Yes, absolutely. I can go out on Saturday!" I told him.

"Then let me take you for dinner and a movie on Saturday. Is that ok? I'll pick you up at say 7 p.m.?"

"Sounds good Jake. Thanks for being so understanding."

"What are friends for?" he smirked at me.

Friday night I went out with Paul. We met up with some of his friends at a local bar and played darts. I was lucky to be dating Paul, he always knew everyone at the bars and was always able to get me in. We had fun. I liked his friends and their girlfriends. Everyone was pretty easy going. The only damper on the evening was that I couldn't stop obsessing about my date with Jake. I felt horribly guilty not only because I was going out with another guy but also that my attention was not fully on my date at that moment.

At the end of the evening he drove me home and we made out in his car. Paul was quite respectful I had to admit. We had been dating for a few months and we still hadn't done much more than touching and kissing. So far he had not pressured me in any way.

Saturday Jake showed up on time. He took me for a very nice Italian dinner at a restaurant in Highwood called Del Rio. The atmosphere was quite romantic and the food was excellent. We talked easily with each other and laughed a lot. Then we went to the movies. It was some scary film I had never heard of. As we sat in the theatre Jake put his arm around me and I snuggled into his side a bit. I did this more to stay warm than to be romantic. Theatres were always so cold and I had forgotten my sweater. As the movie started I could feel Jake looking at me from the side. After a while he started leaning into me and kissing my neck. He moved slowly up my jaw and then turned my face to his.

"May I kiss you?" he whispered.

"Yes," I answered.

And he did.

This kiss was much different than the first kiss he had given me. I was not only expecting it but with all the build-up of thinking about our first date and what would happen I was sort of looking forward to it. Kissing is a big thing for me. If I kissed a guy and I didn't care for it, well, it was a deal breaker. And even though I had kissed him once before, it hadn't been for long and I was so shocked I couldn't remember what the kiss had been like.

Jake was a great kisser. He was even better than Paul. With Paul, I enjoyed kissing him but I didn't really feel it in my knees; you know that saying about making your knees weak or feeling it in your knees? Yeah, well, that wasn't there. But with Jake it was. Jake was the first guy where I actually felt it in my body, that I literally had a physical reaction to him. That was new for me.

So what did that mean for my feelings for him? Did that mean I liked Jake more? I couldn't think about that now. For the first time in my life I was reveling in the feeling of someone kissing me.

It occurred to me that Jake was so good at kissing because he had had so much practice. After all, we all knew him as a man whore. I couldn't remember a time where we'd all been out together and Jake didn't bring a woman. And it was never the same woman twice. I knew that I was different for Jake, but thinking about the fact that he had such colorful past with women was a sobering thought. Sobering enough for me to break the kiss and get back to watching the movie.

"Is something wrong?" he asked me.

"No…" I said.

We finished the movie with just his arm around me. He took me home afterwards and walked me to the front door. I thanked him for the nice evening. He stepped towards me and pulled me into his arms and kissed me again. This time slower and more sensually. Wow! He was good. He was damn good!

I broke away and said good night to him.

"Can I take you out again?" he asked me just before I went through the front door.

"I'd like that." I told him. And I meant it.

As I got ready for bed I thought about the two evenings out. When you had more of a physical reaction to one person over the other, did that mean that you had more feelings for them? Certainly if I were choosing based on kissing it would have to be Jake.

Oh God, I couldn't do this very long, I just knew I wasn't the kind of person to string two men along. I would need to make a decision and quickly. I laid in bed for a long while, trying to come up with a Pro/Con list for each guy. Again the idea of just not dating anyone popped into my head. I had about 5 months left before I was leaving and did it really make any sense to date anyone when ultimately I would be gone soon?

Both were aware of my situation obviously so it was their choice, right? But what about me? What if I fell for one of them? That was a laughable thought. Regardless of how great Paul was and what a great kisser Jake was, I already knew whom I was in love with and I also knew that I wouldn't fall hard for anyone as long as I had these feelings for Edward.

That feeling I'd had in my knees when I kissed Jake didn't even register on my Edward Richter Scale. When I was near Edward I felt it throughout my entire body. I had a feeling that had I ever had a chance to kiss him I would have felt it in every pore.

No, I wasn't at risk for falling for anyone, but were they at risk with me? And if my answer was yes, was it my responsibility to walk away now to avoid anyone getting hurt? I fell into a deep sleep, pondering all of the possibilities. But when sleep did finally find me it was Edward that I dreamed of.

I had Sunday off since that was Angela's day off and I decided I needed some girl time, so I called Alice. She had a few hours free in the afternoon and we decided to meet at the mall. No big surprise on the location; as if Alice could resist an afternoon of shopping!

It was so nice to be around estrogen for a day. Alice was so easy to talk to and such a nice person. Things were going really well for her and Jasper.

Of course, she had to ask me about Jake.

I said she was easy to talk to, not that she wasn't nosy!

So I told her about both dates and about how I felt about Jake kissing me and how I couldn't decide what to do and that I was seriously considering not dating anyone because I was leaving in 5 months.

"So why should you suffer and be alone just because you are leaving?" she asked me.

"Alice, I don't want to hurt anyone."

"Bella, how do you know you will hurt anyone? Maybe you will fall in love. Give it a chance."

"I won't fall in love with anyone." I told her.

"How do you know that? You never know when you will fall in love. It could happen! And if it does, maybe whomever you love will follow you to your next job. Or maybe you will give up being an au pair and go to school full time here. With me!" she insisted.

"Look, I don't know how I know, I just know that I won't fall in love with either of them. I like them both a lot but I just know I won't fall in love with them." I told her.

"Bella, have you ever been in love before?"

Oh shit. How do I answer that? If I say no it's a lie. If I say yes then there are more questions.

I hesitated too long.

"Ok, so by the look on your face and you not answering, I will take that as a yes. So who was it? Someone from high school? What happened?" she started badgering me.

"No, look, I really don't want to talk about it ok? I just do know what it feels like and I know it won't happen with Paul or Jake!"

"Ok, ok! You do realize though that I expect you to fill me in on the mystery love of your life at some point, right? Anyway, who says you have to fall in love? It sounds to me like you could have a good time with one of them for a while at least. Why don't you just let things play out for a couple of weeks and then decide? Maybe it will be clearer as time goes on." She said.

Maybe she was right. Maybe I just needed a little more time.

We finished up our shopping and got something to eat and then headed home. I had a lot of homework I needed to catch up on. But when I tried to concentrate on what I was reading later that evening, my mind kept floating back to Paul and Jake. It started to leave a pit in my stomach. This wasn't good. I would have to decide very soon.

As luck would have it, it decided itself the following week.

I had planned on going out with Jake on Thursday night. There was a new movie that had just come out and we both wanted to see it. Paul wasn't big on the movies so there wasn't a big risk of upsetting him that I had already seen something that maybe he wanted to see.

Jake was trying to be considerate by choosing theatres that were further away from school and our normal hang outs so that we wouldn't run into Paul. We were standing in a very long line waiting for tickets. We had driven all the way up to Libertyville to see the movie. Jake was standing behind me with his hands on my hips whispering funny things in my ear about the other people standing in line. He was making me giggle. I don't know what came over me in that moment but I felt like kissing him right then. I turned around and stretched my arms up around his neck and got up on my tip toes and started to kiss him. At first it was slow and soft and then it became deeper very quickly. I hadn't intended it to be such a long sexy kiss but it just happened. I repeat, he was a great kisser.

"What the fuck?" I heard someone say.

In that second, Jake was no longer in my arms. He had been pulled away suddenly by someone and the next thing I knew I heard someone scream out "Fight!" and saw Jake and Paul on the ground punching each other.

I was literally in shock. I couldn't believe that they were fighting, and I couldn't believe that of all the places for Paul to have seen us it had to be here. What was he doing in Libertyville?

I snapped myself out of my ponderings and noticed that Jake was now on top of Paul and had just punched him in the face.

"No, Jake stop!" I screamed at him. I went in closer, hoping to grab Jake's arm before he threw another punch when all of a sudden I felt something hit my jaw and then everything went black.


	22. Chapter 21

Chapter 21 BPOV

Blackness. And then a sliver of light.

Voices. Many different voices. And then an angel's voice.

"She should be waking up soon. And when she does you two better hope that her story is the same as yours! Now go to the waiting room and I'll alert you when there is a change." the angel's voice said.

Waking up? Why were so many people in my bedroom?

My eyes fluttered open and continually blinked against the bright lights in the room.

Well, this was definitely not my room! Where was I?

I tried to sit up so I could look around but two hands pressed me back on the bed I was laying on.

"Bella, stay still. Just lay back and relax." The angel's voice told me.

The Angel. Edward's voice. Edward! Oh God, what happened?

"wh…wh…what h..ha..happened to me?" I whispered as I reached for my face, the entire right side throbbed in protest. The back of my head was also throbbing and it felt like it was going to explode.

"Well, that's what I want to ask you Bella, what happened? Do you know where you are?" he softly asked me.

"No, where am I?" I asked him.

"Jake and Paul brought you to the hospital where I work, you weren't waking up and they didn't know if you had health insurance so they brought you here. They called me from your cell phone." He told me. "Can you tell me what happened? Do you remember anything?"

"Jake and Paul?" I was really confused.

_Think, Bella, think. Oh…right!_

Jake had picked me up for the movies. We drove to Libertyville.

_Yes! I remember that. _

Ok, then we were standing in line with a lot of people I think, and I kissed Jake. Oh thank goodness I could remember! Oh God, no! Then he was on the ground and Paul was hitting him. That's all I could remember.

I must have gotten in the way of one of their punches because I didn't remember anything other than blackness after that. And now I was in the hospital, probably the emergency room, and Edward was attending to me. _Fuck a duck_, that meant that he knew how I ended up here. I had dated two guys and one of them didn't know it. This was all my fault. I broke the rule about no PDA with Jake, I had initiated it, and Paul had seen it.

I groaned and covered my face with both of my hands in the hopes that their protection might block out what I knew was coming.

"Yes," I whispered, "I remember everything. We were at the movies and the fight broke out and I got hit."

"Who hit you Bella? Don't be afraid, I won't let anything happen to you. Please tell me what happened. It's just you and I here, ok?"

He looked at me with such a worried expression on his face. I could just sink down into those pools of green and never again come up for air. What an existence that would be. Suddenly I understood his unspoken question and worry: he thought that someone had hit me on purpose!

"No one hit me deliberately Edward. Really. I was trying to break up the fight and one of them must have hit me by accident."

"Ok. That's what they said too. So can you at least tell me why they were fighting?" Edward asked me.

"I'd rather not." I replied sheepishly. My face turned beet red. I was so ashamed of myself and Edward witnessing this part of my private life was just the worst nightmare for me.

"Bella, I'm sorry, but I insist that you tell me what happened. Please. I need to know that you'll be safe in the future around these guys. If you don't tell me what happened then I'll ask them directly what started the fight. Would that be easier for you?"

"NO!" I almost shrieked at him. I couldn't believe I was going to have to confess what I'd done. And to Edward of all people. What kind of an ass he was going to think that I was. I didn't want him to hear it from the guys; Lord knew what version they had, so I had no choice.

"It was completely my fault Edward. I…I've been dating Paul as you know and recently Jake told me that he had feelings for me and I couldn't decide what to do because I think I like Jake too. So I talked to Jake about going on a few dates so I could figure out how I feel but I didn't want to tell Paul because I didn't want to upset him….I mean, we never discussed being committed but I knew it would upset him. Oh God, I'm so sorry … this is all my fault!" I stopped my story for a moment as my throat clenched up. I didn't want to cry in front of him and I couldn't look him in the eyes so I kept looking at my hands. "Um…anyway, Paul must have seen us kissing and he jumped Jake."

At first Edward didn't say anything. Then he reached over from where he was standing and grabbed both of my hands in his. "Bella, you certainly didn't make the best choice in this situation but at the same time you're young and not tied down and you're going to make mistakes. Don't be so hard on yourself. I'll go tell the guys you're ok. I am keeping you here overnight because you hit the back of your head pretty hard on the cement and I just want to be cautious. So lay back and relax and I'll be back soon, ok?"

I didn't know what was worse, the possibility of Edward being disappointed in me or the reality of him being so kind and caring. And the way I felt when he touched my hands. Oh God, I think the only thing that came remotely near that feeling was kissing Jake. Edward had only touched my hands briefly! And if that was my reaction to him touching my hands, then I could only imagine what it would be like to actually kiss him. I bet my body would implode on impact!

_Ok, stop thinking about kissing Edward. Aren't you in enough trouble?_

I was not looking forward to facing Paul and Jake and I hoped against hope that Edward would just ask them to leave for now. What could I possibly say to Paul? And even though I had discussed the situation with Jacob and he had agreed, I had failed him as a friend as well. Deep down I knew it was wrong and yet I had done it anyway. I deserved what happened to me.

I must have been really tired because the next thing I knew it was the middle of the night and Edward was sitting in a chair next to my bed. He was in his scrubs and his legs were spread out in front of him. His arms were crossed and his head was leaning back on the back of the chair with his eyes closed. I could hear his steady even breathing indicating that he was asleep. Why was he in my room? Surely he had better things to do with his time than to watch over me.

Hello, was I seriously complaining that he was sitting in my room? No, not really. But I was curious as to why he was there in the middle of the night. He must be exhausted. I knew he left the house early Thursday morning and wouldn't be home till early morning at the earliest. I felt badly that he was sitting in an uncomfortable chair instead of sleeping in one of those 'on call' rooms I had heard about.

I just laid there and watched him. I didn't think I had ever had a chance to just watch him unobserved and undisturbed. It was a real treat for me and I planned on getting the most out of it. So I turned on my side toward his chair and put my hands under my sore face. He was so beautiful. I wondered if he knew how good looking he was? He didn't seem to but then again, what did I know?

In a few months I wouldn't have this gift, this opportunity to gaze upon his painful perfection. The thought of that fact drew a huge lump to my throat. I fought it down. Someday soon I would no longer be here to look upon his face and hear his amazing voice. How much simpler would life had been for me had I met Edward as a single man? Whom was I kidding, he would never have looked twice at me. I was too young, too plain and after last night's escapades, clearly not intelligent enough for him.

Suddenly Edward sat straight up in the chair and stared at me. "Oh…aahhmmmm…did I fall asleep?" he asked groggily. He rubbed his face with both hands in an attempt to wake up faster.

"Yeah, I guess you did." I answered him.

"How do you feel?" he asked.

"Better, thanks. My face is still sore and I have a bad headache but otherwise I'm fine."

"Good. I was worried that you would have a concussion. But that scare seems to be over. I..ah…I sent the guys home and asked that they wait for you to contact them when you're ready. They agreed, so no one will be bothering you until you are ready to deal with this, ok?" he informed me.

"Oh." Gosh, I didn't know what to say to that. "Ah, yeah, thanks Edward. I really appreciate that. You know I just wanted to tell you something …not that you care but I … look I've never dated two guys at the same time before and I feel just awful about what I did. I don't want you to think that, that is the kind of person I am."

"Bella, I care about what happens to you. You're a part of our family. No, this was not one of your better choices. And I can't say that I really understand why you did what you did. But the important thing is you realized your mistake and now you have the chance to make it right."

"You're right of course. I need to make things right. And I will, I promise. But Edward, if you don't mind, I really want to explain myself. I'm not sure why it's so important to me that you understand but it is."

"You don't have to explain anything to me Bella."

"Yes I do. I take care of your children and I live in your home and I want you to know that what happened tonight is not the person I am. I need you to know that." I insisted. "I really don't have that much experience dating guys, and I have a hard time with the idea of hurting anyone. When Jake told me how he felt I didn't want to hurt him by turning him down and I also didn't really know how I felt about him either. If I did tell Paul about it then I knew I would hurt him too and well, I guess I just thought if I could get away with finding out how I felt about Jake first then it would be one less person I would have to ultimately hurt. I really didn't mean to deceive anyone and I guess I just didn't know how to handle the whole thing. The worst part of the whole situation is even while I made that decision I knew in my gut it was wrong. I deserved the punch I got and much worse…"

"Well, though you didn't owe me that explanation I do appreciate you offering it and I do understand better why you felt you needed to do that. You're right though, it wasn't the right decision. But Bella, this is just one of the many learning lessons you're going to have throughout your life. And the next time the situation presents itself, if it ever does, you'll know what to do." He smirked a little at me. "And now that I'm done with my 'Father knows best' routine, I have rounds soon so I have to go. Will you be ok or should I call Alice to come see you?"

"No, I'm still kind of tired. I'm going to try to sleep. When do I get to leave?"

"First thing this morning. You probably have about 3 hours before they come in to start checking you out." He warned me.

"Ok. Thanks so much Edward. I'm sorry to have been such a problem today."

He stared at me with a strange thoughtful expression on his face. I would have given anything to know what he was thinking.

"Bella, you're never a problem. I'm just glad I was here to help. Now get some sleep."

He turned around and walked out of the room.

I rolled over and closed my eyes and tried to sleep. As I started drifting towards Neverland, I could picture his beautiful green eyes right in front me as they led the way towards sleep.

By the time I finally got home it was after 10 am. Edward had had to call Alice to watch the twins until we got home. Angela needed to work at 9 so Alice filled in for me. But of course after receiving a blow to the head, Dr. Cullen wasn't about to let me pick up the twins or do anything strenuous my first day. I was ordered to bed for the remainder of the day. Which only added to my guilt because Edward had just come off of a 24 hour shift and I knew he must be exhausted.

Luckily Alice offered to stay till the afternoon so he could sleep a few hours. I felt like such a loser.

I knew I wouldn't escape Alice unscathed today and that it was only a matter of time before she pounced on me for information. That exact thing happened just after 11 when the twins went down for their nap.

I heard a light tapping on my door and saw Alice standing there.

"So are you going to finally tell me what happened Miss Everyone Wants to Be With Me?" she giggled.

I groaned. "Aw, Alice do we have to do this now? I was just falling asleep!"

"Well, you're still awake now and if you talk fast I will leave you alone sooner!" she declared.

"Fine! You know that plan of 'letting things play out for a while'? Yeah, not such a great idea. Jake and I deliberately went all the way to Libertyville to see a movie so we wouldn't run into Paul or any of his friends and while we were standing in line I had this urge to kiss him. Huge mistake. So we were kissing and then all of a sudden Paul was punching him and they were on the ground. I felt so bad, I knew the whole thing was my fault for not talking to Paul about it. I tried to get Jake off of Paul at one point and that's the last I remember. I guess one of them accidentally punched me and I hit my head on the cement. I don't remember the cement part or who actually punched me."

"Wow…drama just seems to follow you around Bella! So did you find out what Paul was doing so far up north? And what did he say to you at the hospital? What did Jake say? Did they…"

"Alice! Slow down! I can't answer all your questions like that…God, you're making my head hurt again!" I started to giggle a little.

"Sorry. I was just wondering what happened since then with the guys."

"Nothing Alice. Edward told them to stay away until I contacted them. Which I'm so grateful for because I don't know what to say to either one of them. I'm so embarrassed and ashamed of myself. But Edward's right, I have to make this right."

"Edward told you that?" she asked.

"Yeah, I needed to explain to him what happened. I mean, I live here and I don't want him to think badly of me."

"That's not the kind of person Edward is Bella."

"Well, I just needed to tell him so I did and he said I needed to make it right and he's correct. I just haven't figured out how yet. But I will."

"Ok, well, we can talk more later. You do look really tired still. You should rest. When you wake up let me know and I'll bring you something to eat."

"Thanks Alice."

It was a week later and I still hadn't called Jake or Paul. True to their word to Edward they had not contacted me either. I was avoiding the inevitable and I knew it. It wasn't hard to do. I immersed myself in my schoolwork and my work at home with the twins. There certainly was enough to do and to be honest I still felt bad about involving Edward in my whole mess so I made an extra effort to do more things around the house in an attempt to make it up to him. Angela never said a word to me about the whole thing - thankfully. I was tired of reliving it myself let alone explaining it to anyone else.

But after a week I had finally made a decision. I wasn't going to go out with either one of them. And I was also not going to date anyone while I was still in Chicago. It was simpler and easier and when I was finally ready to go home I wouldn't hurt anyone.

Paul took it the easiest. I guess he probably had written me off anyway after I 'cheated' on him. It was still difficult to face him. He didn't say much. I apologized and explained things as best I could but he was very cold to me. I deserved it though. I wished him the best and told him I hoped we could stay in touch. I left thinking I would never see or hear from him again. I felt even guiltier when I left him as I realized in that moment that his last girlfriend had cheated on him as well and that thought had never even occurred to me when I had made the decision to date Jake without telling him. God, I was a bigger ass than I even realized!

Jake, however, was very difficult. Since he went into this with his eyes open he was prepared to take the fallout. I wasn't. I told him how I knew this was a big step for him because he had been looking for someone but that I was not right for him. He wouldn't take no for an answer. So I told him I was afraid of hurting him or myself when ultimately I would be leaving Chicago soon. He didn't care. He said we would work it out if things developed between us.

So I took out the only other weapon in my arsenal. One so effective I knew he would finally accept my decision.

I told him I was in love with someone else.

He didn't ask for more explanations after that. He listened with a quiet acceptance. And then I left.

I cried most of the way home. I had ended up doing exactly what I had not wanted to do from the beginning of this whole mess. I had hurt both guys that I cared about. Not just one. The guilt was just eating me up. I also cried for the love I would never know; the heartbreak of the knowledge that I would never experience what everyone else seemed to have in their future. I was old enough to realize that what I felt for Edward came around once. My visceral reactions to his presence alerted me to that fact. On some level I accepted the idea that eventually I would meet someone I cared for deeply. Someone I could share my life with.

But it wouldn't be like Edward.

No one could replace how I felt about Edward.

Just thinking of his kind words to me, the way he sometimes looked at me, the way he was with Ethan and Hannah, the way his eyes sparkled when he laughed, the languid way he moved his strong body, his profession, his wit, his intelligence; oh God, the list was endless. Who could ever compare to that?

It was like those romance novels; it was dangerous to read them because no real man could compare.

And Edward was no different.

No, all in all, it was better that I just concentrated on work and school and got the hell out of here. Even though I knew it would kill me. I had to leave. I would fulfill my contract and leave and never see Edward again.

I cried harder.

Life was such a bitch. No, let me correct that. Life was a fucking sadistic, masochistic bitch and I hated her!

I walked in to the brownstone still in tears. I knew the twins were on a walk with Edward so I wasn't afraid to walk in with my tear stained faced. All I wanted to do was take a shower and maybe lay down for a while. I felt like I'd been hit with a mack truck.

But when I turned the corner into the kitchen to grab a bottle of water before heading to my room, Edward was sitting at the table reading the paper.

He looked up at my face and jumped up immediately.

"Oh my God Bella, are you ok? What happened?"

I looked at the love of my life and started sobbing uncontrollably.

**A/N**

**First of all thank you to my partner in crime Parama…you are amazing and we've only just begun!**

**My personal rec this week is again Bring on the Wonder by Bronzehyperion and it is also nominated in two categories in the Avant Garde awards. This story is just so well written and builds so amazingly well. One of the best written Edwards EVER. This story just sucks you in from the get go. I love stories that build slowly but with such richness that you don't mind the pace because the characters are so worth the wait. And this story does not disappoint in that regard.**

**Thank you to everyone who takes time to leave comments or reviews…we read and respond to all of them and they mean so much. **

**Lastly, to Risk11111 again thanks for being our ultimate fan of ATR. And Vampgirl79 for all the love and support you send our way always. Thank you!**


	23. Chapter 22

Chapter 22 EPOV

I was in the on-call room when the call came in. It was Jake, Bella's friend. He said they were on their way to the emergency room with Bella, that she had been knocked unconscious. He wouldn't tell me what happened; he only said he would tell me more when he got to the hospital. He said they would be here in 15 minutes.

Bella knocked unconscious? I didn't want to panic until I knew more. I tried to calm myself down but it was difficult. This was Bella who had been hurt and I had to get myself together before they showed up. I couldn't let my feelings for her come out in front of my co-workers or her friends.

Thankfully the emergency room had been quite slow so I waited at the reception desk under the guise of updating some charts.

"Edward! I mean, ah, Dr. Cullen!" Jake shouted behind me. I turned around to see him carrying Bella in his arms with her head on his shoulder. Paul was right behind him.

"Joann, get a gurney right away please…" I told the attending nurse.

"Give her to me Jake." I instructed him. I took Bella from him. She seemed so small and helpless as I looked down onto her face. Even with her unconscious in my arms I felt my body reacting to her still form. I crushed the beginning of my arousal but the residual electrical current I felt remained.

I noticed a deep purplish bruise forming on the side of her face. If I hadn't squashed my feelings of arousal before that moment, they were gone now.

"What the hell happened?" I barked at the two men.

They gave me a quick rundown of being in a fist fight and Bella getting caught in the middle, accidentally getting punched when she was in the way. I cut them off before they could explain anything else and concentrated on Bella's lifeless form.

When the gurney arrived I carefully placed her on it and told the guys to go wait in the waiting room. I rolled the gurney in the receiving area of the emergency room and pulled the privacy curtain around us. I examined her carefully and discovered a large bump on the back of her head. I instructed the nurses to take her vital signs and to take her for a CT scan.

I went out to the waiting room where Jake and Paul were sitting and waiting. They were sitting on opposites sides of the room and they weren't speaking.

The both stood up as I approached.

"Look, I can't tell you anything yet, Bella has a large bump on the back of her head and her face has some bad bruising. We're going to do some tests and then I'll know more. You guys can go home."

Neither one of them wanted to leave until the tests came back.

"Fine, you can wait out here. But if she is seriously injured I'm going to be kicking somebody's ass tonight. That girl is my responsibility while she lives under my roof. I don't know why you idiots were fighting and I don't care right now. You both just better pray that she has nothing more than a mild concussion." I was yelling at them at this point. I was so angry that Bella was hurt and that they were the ones who had done it. I turned on my heel and left abruptly, deciding to go back to oversee Bella's CT myself.

As it turned out Bella would be fine. Thank God! I couldn't even consider the alternative.

I waited in her room, hoping to be there when she regained consciousness. The nurse had shown Jake and Paul to her room as well.

They started to apologize again but I interrupted them. Their mere presence irritated me.

"She should be waking up soon. And when she does you two better hope that her story is the same as yours! Now go back to the waiting room and I'll alert you when there is a change." I told them.

They left the room and I heard Bella starting to wake up. She was confused at first which was natural. Soon enough she remembered what had happened and she seemed quite agitated. I asked her to tell me what happened but it was clear that she didn't want to tell me. Though in the end, she did.

At first, I was shocked at her story. Bella never seemed to be the kind of girl who would deceive someone she cared about. But as she explained what happened I could see how it tortured her. She was so young and innocent. I wondered if she was a virgin or not. I chastised myself for the thought but I couldn't help myself. I wanted to know everything about her and I knew there were certain things I would never be privy to. I also knew that having those thoughts right now were completely inappropriate so I concentrated on what she was telling me.

I told her she shouldn't be so hard on herself. When I thought of all the things I had done in my lifetime that I regretted, well, this was small in comparison.

I needed to talk to the guys once more so I left Bella briefly. I told them both that I expected them to keep their distance while Bella was recuperating and that when she was ready she would contact them herself. They both promised to honor my request.

When I got back to her room, Bella was asleep. I checked on a few patients and then decided to look in on Bella again before I tried to get some more sleep in the on-call room. I would have to be up early anyway for rounds, assuming no one else came into the emergency room tonight.

She was still sleeping. I stood in the doorway for what seemed like forever, just staring at her beautiful face. I didn't want to look conspicuous by just standing there for so long so I entered the room and closed the door. I stood by the side of her bed looking down on her. I could tell she was sleeping deeply. I wondered what she was dreaming about. I reached out my hand to smooth some of her hair off of her face and tuck it behind her ear.

I couldn't help myself at that point. It was like trying to stop a moving train: impossible.

I reached out again and stroked the side of her face with my hand. Her skin was so soft and warm. Her head moved a little into my hand almost involuntarily, snuggling into my palm. And then she sighed like a kitten. That feeling I always had when we touched was still there as it always was.

I reluctantly moved my hand away before she woke up or someone walked in the door. But I couldn't bring myself to leave. So I pulled up a chair and sat down, stretching out my legs. I decided to stay until she woke up or I was paged to the emergency room. I just sat there and stared at her face, imagining all those things that I normally didn't allow myself to think about.

And then I fell asleep.

I awoke startled, not realizing that I had fallen asleep. When I opened my eyes I saw Bella's beautiful big brown eyes staring back at me. I immediately felt warm and relaxed. It was a feeling I wished that I could have every time I opened my eyes when waking up.

I told her how long we would be keeping her and that she would be fine. For some reason she felt the need to explain her actions to me again. It was obvious that this weighed on her heavily. I appreciated the effort she made to explain everything but it wasn't necessary. Even though she had made the wrong decision where Jake and Paul were concerned she had already made it abundantly clear that she knew what she had done was wrong and that she regretted it, deeply.

I felt badly for her that she now had to face things alone and make things right with her friends. But that was a part of what she had to go through, it was nothing that I could help her with.

After rounds I came back and helped check her out of the hospital. We drove home in relative but comfortable silence. The only thing we spoke of was my expectation that she would remain in bed for the day. She wasn't happy about it, saying she was fine but I insisted.

I had called Angela earlier that night to tell her what happened and that Bella would be staying the night at the hospital. She still needed to go to work in the morning but she called Alice and asked her to help out. Alice had initially wanted to come to the hospital but I told her not to. She could play catch up with Bella in the morning when she got home.

The next week I noticed that Bella rarely left the house except for school, errands for the house or with the twins. I figured she was avoiding Jake and Paul but I wasn't sure. Angela wasn't worried about it. She was actually amused by the whole thing. I didn't find anything amusing in the idea of Bella dating two men. Of course Bella dating any man at all wasn't amusing either.

I had planned on going for a walk with the twins until I noticed that Hannah was getting a little fussy and her face was flushed. I checked her temperature and though it was not high it was spiked a little. I didn't want to take them outside if there was a risk of fever so I put them down early for a nap. I had just sat down in the kitchen to read the paper when I heard the front door open and close. Bella was obviously home.

She came into the kitchen in a whirl and when I looked up I noticed her blotchy tear-stained face. I jumped out of my chair immediately and went over to her.

"Oh my God Bella, are you ok? What happened?"

I grabbed both of her shoulders, turning her towards me. As she looked up at me her lips started trembling and she burst out crying. I was devastated. The thought of Bella hurting for any reason twisted my heart. I didn't know what to do. So I acted on instinct. I drew her into my arms and held her. She continued sobbing into my chest.

And she didn't stop.

We stood in the middle of the kitchen. Bella with her jacket on and sobbing. Me standing and folding her little body into my protective embrace. I only wanted to offer her comfort, to find a way to stop her tears. The longer she sobbed the more horrible I felt. I couldn't imagine what could have made her cry so hard. If this had anything to do with those two jokers she was dating I would kill them both.

I rubbed her back soothingly and cooed to her softly, "Breathe Bella, breathe."

Finally I felt Bella's tears subsiding as they relented into little hiccups. She didn't move from where she was standing. She let me hold her until she stopped crying completely. I didn't want to stop holding her but I knew I had to. At some point it would no longer be about comfort and I had to avoid that at all costs. But bringing myself to walk away from that heavenly scent of her hair and the close proximity of her body to mine was damn near impossible.

Oh, what it would be like right now to help dry her tears by kissing them all away. What I wouldn't do to hold her face in both of my hands and assure her that I would always be there to protect and love her. That I would never let anyone hurt her ever again.

But I couldn't do that.

I would never be able to do that.

And with that thought I backed away from her, dropping my hands to my sides.

"Feeling better now?" I asked her.

"I'm so sorry Edward. I didn't mean to flip out like that."

"Want to talk about it?"

"Not really. Let's just say I made things right today." She told me.

"I see."

"I just want to shower and go to bed and forget about it, if that's ok." She declared.

"Ok. If you change your mind and you want to talk I hope you know that we're always here to listen and support you." I assured her.

"Thanks Edward. I really appreciate that. But I just want to go to bed." And with that she turned to leave. She reached up and put her hand on the doorway and turned around slightly to look at me once more.

"Night Edward. Thanks for everything." And then she went to her room.

I stood there, looking out to the empty space that she had recently occupied. The emptiness of not feeling her in my arms after such a short period of time made me ache in ways I had never experienced. This was torture. All I wanted to do was to rush after her and comfort her. And then I wanted to make love to her and show her how much I adored her.

My hands fisted and re-fisted at my sides. I suddenly felt a pull in my body that was so strong as to nearly pull me down the stairs to her room. It wanted to act on its own accord but I fought it back.

This year-long battle I had been waging had become an all out war on my soul. Every minute in Bella's presence was becoming intolerable. Not to be able to freely touch her or make my feelings or intentions known was slowly killing me inside. I didn't know how much longer I could go on before I broke.

But what was the alternative? She had only a few more months before I would never see her again. And though that thought tore me in ways that I couldn't contemplate at the moment, the mere idea of making her leave earlier than she needed to was unacceptable. No, I would find a way to get through this, I wasn't sure how, but I would. I would not dishonor myself, my family or Bella. I would be strong enough for all of us and then I would say goodbye to the only person in my life who owned my soul.

Bella.

My Bella.

**A/N**

**How To Save a Life by is a masterpiece that perhaps those who've come to the fic-verse relatively recently are not familiar with, which is a tragedy that needs to be corrected. This soulful story features one of the best Bellas ever portrayed in a fic, because in this story it is Bella who saves Edward – not only from his past demons but from himself as well. **

**http:/www (dot) fanfiction (dot) net/s/6249615/1/**


	24. Chapter 23

Chapter 23 BPOV

The next few months passed by without incident. I didn't go out anymore except maybe for a movie or shopping with Alice. I concentrated on my schoolwork and as always, there was plenty of work to do with the twins.

The time seemed to fly by.

I hadn't heard from Paul again and I hadn't expected to. But Jake continually tried to contact me. It started about 2 weeks after our talk. He would text and email me. He called and left voice messages. But I never returned any of them. I still felt ashamed and I didn't think I deserved to have him as my friend.

He asked Alice to try to talk to me about him but I told her I wasn't interested in anything but spending the rest of my time with the twins and doing my schoolwork. After the third time, she stopped bringing it up altogether.

She didn't give up trying to make me go out. She even tried to fix me up on a blind date! I told her she must be smoking crack if she thought I would ever go on a blind date and certainly not after everything that had happened.

There was only a month left at school and soon after I would be leaving the Cullens. I avoided thinking about leaving. It would come soon enough and thinking about it would only upset me. So I didn't think about it. Not if I didn't have to.

The agency started sending me profiles for other families. The ones that they thought would be a good fit for me were in Seattle, San Diego, Dallas and Florida. I started reading through the descriptions half heartedly. The names meant nothing to me. How would I go from where I was to complete strangers again?

I still felt the need to travel but I was starting to play with the idea of either going to a family overseas or going home to finish school. I didn't have the heart to start anew with a family. Nor did I desire to stay in the same country as Edward. I couldn't be in the US and not be somewhere near him. The agency wanted my opinion within in a week so I had some big decisions to make.

I called my parents and discussed it with them. Of course I didn't tell them about Edward. They just thought that I had gotten too attached to the children. My father suggested that maybe I would like to spend the balance of the summer in Germany with my cousin. I thought it was a nice idea and contemplated going back to school after I got back.

I had also seen mail come into the house from the agency with new applications of au pair candidates for the Cullens. It hurt to see Angela pouring over the documents and pictures. I heard her discuss a few of them with Edward. It almost felt as if I were already gone. I didn't think they did that on purpose in fact, I believe they tried to steer clear of discussing it in front of me. But it still hurt me.

I could have asked to stay another year I suppose but I knew that my attraction to Edward was not subsiding. In fact, with each new day it only strengthened. At times I felt myself fall perilously close to admitting my feelings to him. Not with words of course, I would never have the courage to do that. But with my eyes perhaps, or my body language. Every move made in front of Edward was carefully choreographed as to not give away my feelings. It was exhausting to live this way.

My dreams were a constant. Edward and I together. In some form or another. As I tried to analyze my dreams once, I realized that the twins were always a part of the dream in some fashion. I guessed they had become such an integral part of my life that my subconscious already felt they were a permanent fixture. In one dream they actually called me mommy. My eyes teared up just thinking about it.

No, leaving was for the best for everyone. Especially the children. All children needed two parents when possible and this was a happy family. I was the only one here with deluded dreams of a god-like man who would adore me forever.

The more I thought about it the more I was convinced that spending the end of the summer in Berlin with Claudia was a great idea. Afterwards I would go home and do a year of college and then decide if I wanted to continue or travel. I felt much better having finally made my decision.

This week my day off was Wednesday because Edward was off. It was a good thing too because I desperately needed to do some much needed research in the library for a paper that was due the next week. I had been gone most of the day. When I finally did get back to the brownstone it was after dinner time. I walked in the front door and heard shouting.

"Dammit Angela, this is exactly what I have been trying to tell you! Who does this kind of thing? No one! Not when their children are so young." Edward was yelling.

"Edward lower your voice, you'll wake the twins!"

"I will not lower my voice until you come to your senses. Please tell me you are not seriously contemplating this? How long this time huh? 6 months? A year? Here's an idea, why don't you just move out there indefinitely and come back when the kids graduate from college?" Edward was furious and from the sound of it Angela needed to leave on a trip again. Oh no.

I walked in as fast as possible and went straight to my room, apologizing on the way for interrupting them. I had never heard them argue before. I was a little shocked to be honest.

I put some music on in my room and closed the door. I didn't want to intrude on their argument. I stayed there till it was time to go to bed.

The next morning I was on duty so I got up early and went up to collect the twins and get them their breakfast. We were sitting in the kitchen eating when Angela came down.

"Sorry about last night Bella." She said to me.

"It's ok Angela. I'm just sorry I interrupted you."

"Well, I might as well tell you now since the decision has been made. I don't know if I mentioned this to you before, but while I was in London I was working with ideas on cheaper infant vaccines. And I just found out that one of the grants got approved. My team mates from London School have a pilot project going in Rwanda. So I'll be using their camp as my base there for this study, but that means I will be gone for a minimum of 3 months. Probably more like 4-6 months. I won't know for sure till we get out there and get set up. I know you are scheduled to leave us next month and that we already extended your position here a year. But Bella, with me leaving in two weeks I won't be able to get a new au pair in here and established in time. So, I wanted you to consider staying on until I return. We would of course compensate you for the extra time in addition to what we normally pay you. I don't expect you to answer me immediately but time is important here so do you think you could let me know tomorrow? I hate to put you under this kind of pressure but I don't really have a choice here."

"Ah, Angela, gosh I don't know. I was going to start a new year of school at home this fall." I told her.

"Bella, I don't mean to pull on your heart strings but my children adore you. We all adore you, quite frankly. You have fit into our family so seamlessly and the thought of leaving Hannah and Ethan with a virtual stranger while I am gone is …well…it's unimaginable really. But I will have no choice if you aren't able to do it."

A stranger with Hannah and Ethan while their mother was not here for a number of months? How would they handle that? No, I couldn't even fathom that possibility and the truth was that if I didn't do it I knew the guilt would eat me alive. I would constantly be thinking about the twins and wondering if they were ok. What was 6 more months? If I was lucky it would be 3 or 4 months. If it went longer I could still start school here. Of course I would do it. I would do it for twins.

"Of course Angela, I don't need to think about it. I could never leave Ethan and Hannah to a stranger if you were not here."

"Oh Bella," she jumped up and came to me, "you are truly the best and I am so grateful. We will of course continue to pay for your schooling. And remember when I told you before that we would find a way to reimburse you for being so wonderful? Well, Edward and I discussed it and we want to start a college fund for you. For when you finish here and go back to school some day."

I didn't know what to say.

"And by the way, Edward told me how much you had helped over Christmas while I was gone and I don't want you to have to work that hard again. So I am going to interview some local nannies in the area so that we can get more help in here to relieve you. Edward will be working a lot of course and there is no way you can do it all by yourself."

So it was settled.

And then it hit me.

It hit me that I am a bloody idiot.

3, 4 or 6 months meant more time agonizing over Edward. And not just over him, but with him in the house alone again. If I had thought Christmas was difficult this would be tantamount to torture. The last time I hadn't realized my actual feelings for Edward. I had thought that they were some kind of a crush.

I knew now that I loved him, that every pore in my body screamed out for him whenever he was within 10 feet of me. How would I get through the next 4 or 6 months? I had really fucked things up for myself this time. Talking before thinking, making decisions before contemplating the consequences. Oh well, I had already given Angela my answer. And thinking about the twins with a stranger really did set my blood to boil and my heart to cry. I knew it was the right thing to do but I also knew I had just entered the lion's den and didn't know if I would get out alive.

Angela said she would contact the agency and get a new contract drawn up. She also called my parents for me; I told her that wasn't necessary but she and my mom got along really well and she said she had wanted to call her anyway.

The two weeks flew by with all of the planning. I heard Edward and Angela arguing all the time now. I guessed that he was still upset that she was leaving. I didn't know how Angela could leave her little children for such a long period of time. I didn't care if it was a cure for AIDS, these were her children and they would suffer in her absence. It seemed that Edward and I did have something in common after all: we didn't understand Angela's choices surrounding Ethan and Hannah.

I asked Alice to go out to a movie the night before Angela left for Rwanda. I wanted to give them time alone before she left. As it turned out I didn't need to go out. Edward was working and wasn't home the night before Angela had to leave.

I found that out the day before. I heard a one-sided conversation of Angela's in the kitchen. She was on her cell phone and it sounded like it must have been Edward on the other end. She accused him of working on purpose to avoid spending the last night at home with her. I couldn't hear his response but I wondered if she was right.

So instead of going to dinner or drinks with Alice after the movie I came home early. The whole house was quiet. I checked the garage. Edward was not home. Everyone was in bed. It made me feel badly for Angela. How sad to spend your last night at home without your husband, knowing you wouldn't see each other for a very long time.

Angela had left a note on the kitchen table saying that I didn't have to get up early with the kids because she and Edward would be up early to spend some quiet time alone and then head to the airport.

When I got up the next morning she was gone.

The next 3-6 months I would be living alone in this house with the love of my life and couldn't tell him or show him how I felt.

Could someone please get me a gun?

**A/N**

**Just to inform everyone that we are currently having ATR re-beta'd by the illustrious lulabelle98. So eventually we will be uploading all previously published chapters again. So for those on our alert list…I'm not sure if you will get an alert or not but if you do, now you know what is going on. And to lulabelle98…thank you, you are amazing and we so appreciate all your efforts!**


	25. Chapter 24

Chapter 24 EPOV

I was livid. No, I was _pissed_. Livid was most likely the politically correct description, but _pissed_ described my feelings more accurately.

Angela agreed to go to Rwanda for her research against everything that we had talked about. Regardless of what I said or how I appealed to her, there was no changing her mind. She said that if everything went well, she might not have to take anymore long trips like this because she would have established her name within medicine. My question to her was: sounds good but what happens when the next medical discovery comes around, how will you be able to resist?

I, at least, knew my wife well enough to know that her ambition would always trump anything else in her life. As much as it disappointed me to admit it, it trumped her own family as well.

I had thought we were making a little progress. Angela had made an effort to be home more for the twins at breakfast time and left for work later. She still worked late most nights, but made sure to take off at least one day a week. Whenever I noticed something extra that she would do, I would comment on it and tell her how pleased I was.

Well, that turned around to bite me in the ass when she announced this last venture.

We were home alone with the kids when she told me.

"Edward, I have the most exciting news… well, remember that I told you how I've been working on pulling together a team to test our ideas on cheaper infant vaccines in London? One of the grants came through! If our theory is sound, I think we'd be able to come up with a more potent cocktail that could target more diseases and cut down on required doses. The most important part is to be able to demonstrate that it can be done locally with low cost. My team mates from London School have a pilot project going on in the western part of Rwanda, so we can use their installation to run the study. The best part is they are letting me head up the Rwanda team! Isn't that great?"

"I don't think I understand," I told her, my heart already filling with dread. "How can you head up a team in Rwanda from Chicago?"

"Obviously that isn't possible, Edward… I have to go to Rwanda. Don't you get what this means for my career, Edward? If I can pull this off, I could be the next Jonas Salk!" she said excitedly before continuing. "Ok, I know I'm exaggerating, maybe not Jonas Salk. But this really could be my big break. I mean, I have been working on it for years, and now I actually have a shot at trying out my theories in the field! If I'm right, this will save millions of dollars in vaccine production, which means millions more children will get the chance to live past their fifth birthday. I would be the one of the people who made that possible. Don't you see how important this is?"

"_What_?" I screamed at her.

"Now Edward, before you get upset-"

"_Before_ I get upset? Ang, I'm already there. I can't believe you! I….I…." I began raking my hands mercilessly through my hair in frustration. "I don't even know what to say to this. Quite frankly, I'm in shock. You couldn't possibly think I would be happy about this or find it 'exciting' as you put it."

"Actually, yes I did. I've been making an effort on your behalf, and for the kids, to be here more and to show you that you're wrong about me and my choices. You always said you would support me in my career, and now the most unique opportunity comes up and you can't be happy for me? For us?"

"For us? _For us_? This isn't about _us,_ Ang and you know it. We have more than enough money for us to live on even if we both didn't work, so that's not an issue. The only one this benefits is you and your undying ambition," I threw back at her.

"Edward, this is the chance of a lifetime for anyone in my field. No one gets this kind of offer at my age and experience level. It's usually offered to senior researchers who have already established themselves in this field. I don't know if a chance like this will ever come up for me again if I don't take it this time. "

"Damn it Angela, this is exactly what I have been trying to tell you! Who does this kind of thing? No one! Not when their children are so young," I yelled at her. I was boiling and I needed to get it out.

"Edward, lower your voice. You'll wake the twins," she admonished me. I didn't care. I would have my say and be damned if the kids woke up. This point was worth fighting over.

"I will not lower my voice until you come to your senses. Please tell me you're not seriously contemplating this? How long this time, huh? Six months? A year? Here's an idea; why don't you just move out there indefinitely and come back when the kids graduate from college?"

"Now you're really being childish, Edward. At most it will be six months, at best three. I will have full access to state of the art computers so we can do the webcam thing again, and I might be able to come back once or twice briefly during that time, if everything goes well. It's not as bad as you think!"

"Oh, I see." My voice lowered and became deadly quiet. "You're not discussing this with me. You've already decided to go and you're _telling_ me about it, which means this must've been in the planning stages for a while. How long have you known, Ang? How long have you known that you were leaving your family in the lurch?"

"God, Edward you're really being overly dramatic now. Yes, it's been in the planning stages, and I was a part of that for the last few weeks. They didn't ask me to head up the team until a few days ago. I thought my colleague was going to do it but he has some physical issues that are keeping him home, so they offered it to me. That's exactly my point. I wasn't even their first choice, and now that I have the chance, I can't turn it down."

"There's something seriously wrong with you, Ang. You're not only leaving your family for an extended period of time, leaving your babies who need you, but you're doing it in a country that's completely volatile. Haven't you even thought about the risks? I don't even know that much about Rwanda but I know it's dangerous!"

"Don't be so melodramatic, Edward! Things have been perfectly peaceful in Rwanda for years now! The genocide was like 20 years ago. Things are back to normal. In any case, I will be staying with my team inside the compound. I'll be fine."

"And what about Ethan and Hannah?" I asked her quietly.

"I'm going to ask Bella to stay on," she said.

"Oh no you're not," I told her. "That girl has worked her ass off for us for way too long. I'm sure we've already broken every au pair rule for the number of hours she works. She wants to travel and she needs her life back. You can't do this to her."

"Edward, this is the best for the twins. I'm going to do this one way or an another. Do you really want us to start off with someone new who has no relationship with Ethan and Hanna while I'm gone?"

She stared at me pointedly and waited for me to reply.

"Well, do you?" she asked.

I became very quiet. I stared off into space. My Heaven and Hell rolled up into one. The one person I couldn't imagine saying goodbye to was the one person who needed to leave; Bella. How would I deal with her being here alone with me again? Things were already tortuous for me with her.

"I think it would also be best to hire a back-up nanny. You know, to relieve all of Bella's hours. She can still go to school and watch the kids, but the nanny will keep her from working so much. At the same time, the pressure will be off of you to be here so much so you can concentrate on work-" she explained.

I interrupted her right there. "I'm not you, Ang. I want to be here as often as I can… my job be damned. So don't use me as some kind of excuse to assuage your guilt."

"I don't feel guilty, Edward."

And there it was.

"That's your whole problem, Ang. You_ should_ feel guilty and you don't. It doesn't even _occur_ to you how you're tearing us all apart here. And while you're gone and other people are raising your children, you won't feel bad even then. I guess there isn't much more to say is there? I can't make you want to be with us, and _clearly_ you don't want to be."

With that I went upstairs. I slept in the guest room that night. I couldn't stomach the idea of sleeping next to her.

I was so disappointed and hurt. And I was _scared_.

I was scared that we wouldn't make it after this decision of hers. How was I to keep myself from resenting her for the choices she made?

I was scared _for_ her. Rwanda; a volatile country where she would be alone, and I wouldn't be able to watch out for her.

I was also scared for the children. What long-term effect would this have on them? I had to convince Angela not to take this trip. I didn't know how but I had to find a way.

And I was scared _for me_. How was I to cope with being alone in the house with Bella again? This time for six months! I was a strong person but no one was Hercules, and it would take a Herculean effort on my part to keep myself from Bella.

Over the next week I pleaded and begged Angela to change her mind, but to no avail. She said it was too late to change her mind. That it would set back the whole project months if she did so, and there was no one else to take her place even if she agreed with me.

I was so hurt I couldn't bring myself to have anything but bare minimum conversations with her. I continued to sleep in the guest room. I guess in some adolescent way I thought perhaps she would react to my passive aggressive behavior, but she didn't. She was quiet and never acknowledged what I was doing.

The day before she was leaving I had to work all day. I hadn't volunteered to work, but I also hadn't requested to have the day off so we could spend it together before she left. She accused me of doing it deliberately and I supposed on some level that I had.

When I got home late that night I went to our bedroom. I stood in the doorway and watched her sleep. After a long while I got under the covers with her. I snuggled up to her while she slept and she responded by turning around in my arms and holding on to me as well.

"I'm sorry," she whispered quietly.

"Me too, Ang," I told her.

We fell asleep in each other's arms. I couldn't face the idea of her leaving with us so cold to each other. That was why I had gone back to our bedroom that night. Normally I guessed I would've tried to make love to her as a small way of saying goodbye but I couldn't bring myself to do it. The last thing I wanted to do was have sex.

I also didn't want her to leave without knowing on some level that though I was still very upset. I still cared for her. She would be gone a long time after all, and she needed to know that her family still loved her.

The twins and I had breakfast with her in the morning and then took her to the airport. As we stood in front of the start of the security line I made one last attempt to change her mind.

"Angela, please baby, I'm begging you. Don't go. _Please_. We need you." I grabbed her into a tight hug and whispered into her neck, "We need you Angela, please."

She pulled away from me briskly. "Edward, don't. This is hard enough for me as it is. You know I have to go. I don't have a choice anymore."

"You always have a choice, Ang. And I don't think it's hard for you at all." I stared at her. There was a long awkward silence. "Well, I guess that's it then. Why don't you say goodbye to the kids. You had better get in line before you miss your plane."

"Edward, I-"

"No, Ang. Forget it. Just go. It's better if you just go now."

She bent over and kissed and hugged the kids in their double carriage. "I love you guys. Take care of Daddy for me."

She stood up and looked at me. Neither one of us knew what to say to the other. She reached up and hugged me quickly.

Then she left.

And she didn't look back.

On my way home from the airport in the car, a single tear escaped my eye as a large lump formed in my throat. I never cried. I didn't exactly know where the tear came from, but it was there and I was grateful that my children were too young to notice it.

I still didn't know how I was going to get through the next six months, but I had to find a way. I also had some big decisions to make where my wife was concerned. I didn't know if I could continue to live like this; playing second fiddle to her job. I also didn't know if I was capable of leaving her and breaking up our family. Angela was a good mother, perhaps not a great mother, but she was there when she could be and she tried. That did count for something.

Didn't it?

Leaving her would mean taking Ethan and Hannah's mommy away from them. Truthfully, this was my biggest problem. I didn't know if I could be the one responsible for that. They deserved to be raised with both of their parents.

At that very moment, in the car alone with the twins, Bella was the least of my worries.

BPOV

The first month that Angela was away was so incredibly busy that I had hardly any time to breathe, let alone fixate on my lonely and pathetic existence. Angela had hired a part time nanny named Monica. She was an older lady, I would guess retirement age, and she was so sweet. The twins took to her right away. It was really nice to have an older lady in the home, almost like having a grandmother around.

She was in great shape too. I found out she walked five miles a day and worked out with weights; for her bones, she said. She tried to watch what she ate, but she also said at this stage of the game she wanted to enjoy food too. She was married and her husband also worked part time. Neither one of them really wanted to retire fully as they had so much energy and didn't like staying at home doing nothing. She thought being a nanny would fulfill her since she had no children of her own but would have loved to have had grandkids.

And could she cook! Wow! Whenever I had a free moment, I joined her in the kitchen just to sponge off of her cooking skills. She could have given Julia Child a run for her money.

With Monica being such a complete success at home, Edward took on some extra shifts at work. He told me he was doing this so he could get a week or two off this summer and maybe take a trip with the twins. He was always thinking ahead about what to do with the kids. So different than Angela. Granted she always prepared things for the twins to make their life easier and hopefully better, I did see that, but she never planned to do things _with_ them. Only _for_ them. Both parts were important of course, but children would remember the time spent with them, not the arrangements that were made on their behalf. It was sad but true.

I was grateful that I hardly saw Edward that first month. It made things a little easier. We did, however, speak on the phone a lot. Since Monica was still relatively new, he felt the need to check in often and make sure we were all ok and didn't need anything.

I looked forward to every call. That voice! It was the best part of my day. It started to feel as if we were married. Without the 'honey' and 'sweetheart' of course, but it definitely made me feel much more connected to him than I had felt before.

Alice was thrilled that I was staying on longer, so when I did have free time, we tried to do things together. She had finally given up on trying to set me up. She didn't give up on trying to get me to go out to parties though. I still turned her down. Even though I knew I still had probably six months left, now I just wanted to concentrate on school and the kids. The twins needed me now more than ever, and I had signed up for full time summer school. There was no reason not to now that Monica was helping out.

Emmett would be coming to town in the summer as well. Things had been getting more and more serious with Rosalie, and he told Edward he was considering moving to Chicago. He wanted to go house hunting to see what was out there for him while he was here.

Eventually Jake had stopped calling or trying to contact me altogether. But Alice must have told him that I was staying for another six months because all of a sudden he started calling again. The last voice mail he left me convinced me to call him. He said he had met someone and that he wanted me to meet her.

So I called him.

It was nice to hear his voice. He said he met this girl Leah at the car wash and they had been dating for about five weeks now. He said he was crazy about her. I told him once things had died down a bit with school that we could meet up with Alice. It felt really good to have renewed my friendship with him. I had really missed it.

And so the summer went on.

The one thing I hated about summers in Chicago was the humidity. This summer was no exception. Thank goodness for air conditioning! I felt like my hair was constantly stuck to my face when I left the house.

Edward decided to take July 4th off to celebrate with the twins. Instead of having a BBQ at the house or something, he wanted to take them to the Taste of Chicago. I didn't think it was the best idea because there would be millions of people there, but Edward insisted. He said we could see if Alice and Jasper, and Monica and her husband Bob, wanted to join us. He wanted the kids to see their first fireworks up close.

So that's what we did. And it turned out to be a great day, albeit a hot and sticky one. We all ate too much food at the stands and had a few beers. We had taken the 'L' so no one needed to drive. The kids were having a great time. When the fireworks started, the looks on their faces were priceless. I took hundreds of pictures, trying to capture all of the lost moments for Angela. Even if I didn't understand why she left, I still didn't want her to miss something if I could show her some pictures.

We were all laughing so much and having such a great time. I didn't want it to end. It was the first time I had seen Edward relaxed and smiling in weeks. The twins were our alarm clock that signaled it was time to go home, they were falling asleep in their carriage.

Monica and Bob offered to take them home and put them to bed for us, giving us all a chance to prolong the evening a bit more. I volunteered to come with them but Monica would have none of it. She said I needed a break from school too so I should stay and enjoy myself.

There was a jazz concert in Millennium Park that Edward wanted to see so Alice, Jasper and I tagged along. I wasn't a fan of jazz music but the band was exceptional. We stayed until they stopped playing. Edward wanted to take a cab home but the traffic was impossible, and any available cab was nowhere to be found, so we headed back to the 'L'. Alice and Jasper had to go in a different direction to get home so we parted ways at the concert.

It felt really weird to be walking alone with Edward in the city. The twins were usually always with us. We were never alone like this. As we walked through the crowds of people to get to the station I almost lost him twice. Finally he grabbed my hand and led the way so we wouldn't get separated. I could feel that connection between us as I always did, and it did amazing things to my body that I wasn't prepared for. His hand was large and warm. I held on to him like he was the last man on Earth.

Suddenly, we were standing still at a streetlight waiting for it to turn green. With the throngs of people surrounding us I was pushed up against the side and back of Edward while I held his hand. I felt my nipples harden immediately. It was 90 something degrees outside and my nipples were reacting as if it was subzero weather. Obviously, my physical reaction had nothing to do with the weather and everything to do with Edward, and the fact that my body was touching his from my shoulder to my knee.

I could smell his deodorant and his shampoo from where my cheek was pushed up against his upper arm. I quietly and discretely took in a deep whiff of his scent while we stood there. He didn't seem to notice. My hoo ha, however, did. I should have worn a pantyliner, because my physical reaction to him had just ruined my underwear. My God, how was it possible to get so turned on by a man that didn't notice me as a woman, and who had never touched me sexually?

There was something wrong with me!

The light turned green and we started walking fast again. We got to the 'L' pretty quickly but it was packed. We would have to wait for a few trains before we could get on. Edward hadn't let go of my hand. I knew I should probably drop his hand since we were no longer in a moving crowd, but I couldn't. He probably just hadn't noticed that he was still holding on to me. I was loathe to lose the contact. It would probably never happen again that I could hold his hand like this. So I held on.

We stood on the ramp silently holding hands. It was a comfortable silence. The whole thing just felt right, like I belonged at his side, with him. I could have cried it felt so good.

By the time the third train came by, we were in front to board. I felt Edward hold on tighter to my hand. When the doors opened, everyone rushed inside. There were no seats for us so we had to stand. I reluctantly let go of Edward's hand so I could hold on to something while the train started moving.

We were packed into the 'L' like sardines. I had never traveled on a train that was so full. I could smell every body odor, every cologne - ewwww! Each time the train came to a stop, everyone was jostled a bit and suddenly you were closer to the person next to you than you cared to be. Edward was standing behind me, holding on to the strap above him. I had no such luck as I was too short and I was too far away from the steel bar to hold on to that either.

After the second stop and nearly toppling over for the 3rd time, Edward grabbed me around my waist with his free arm, holding me to him. My back was to his chest and I could feel his breath on my hair. I closed my eyes in near ecstasy. My body was overwrought with all the physical touching I'd had with Edward. I felt myself get wet again. I felt like such an ass for having such little control over my body's reactions to him. This was ridiculous.

At the last stop I was pushed backwards a bit even more directly into Edward and I stumbled slightly, accidentally stepping on his foot. I heard him hiss in reaction and I told him I was so sorry. He told me not to worry about it and we exited the train.

It was only a few blocks home from the station, and with no crowds there was no reason to hold hands again. I thought about what it had felt like to walk next to him with our hands engaged. I missed it. I wondered if I would ever walk next to him again and not remember that short period of time when I could dream about being an intimate part of his life.

Suddenly I felt like crying. I was a glutton for punishment for staying here for the next six months. These feelings for Edward weren't going anywhere and after today they were so much worse. I knew he didn't feel the same for me, but that didn't stop how I felt for him, how I would always feel for him. I pushed down my need to cry, now was not the time to give in to that sadness and then have to come up with yet another lie about why I was crying.

I had never been so grateful for the silence between us. The air was soaked with my internal tension and Edward being the gentleman that he was did not bring it up.

When we finally got home, I thanked him for a wonderful day and headed down to my room. I got in the shower in an attempt to cleanse the strange odors emanating from my body. As the hot water cascaded down my face and hair I let loose the tears I had been holding at bay.

I loved him. God help me, but I did. I wanted him, more than I thought I could possibly want another person. I wanted to touch him everywhere and have him touch me. I wanted to give him my innocence and pledge my love to him forever. He was perfect for me in every way.

Except that he was married to someone else.

And it would never be to me.

**A/N**

**Lullabella98 has re-beta'd this entire story for us! Thank you sweetie…so appreciate it! You are amazing. And so we wanted to warn all the readers that we will have to re-post old chapters. I don't know if this will send you new update alerts or not but just thought we would warn you.**

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	26. Chapter 25

Chapter 25 EPOV

Emmett was back in town. He and Rosalie were out house hunting. Well, Rosalie was tagging along. He wanted to see what the real estate market was like in Chicago before deciding whether or not he would make the move and when. I personally thought he brought Rosalie along because he envisioned her living with him in some way; perhaps marriage? I wasn't sure. I was sure that I was glad that my brother was back in town.

Emmett had such an easy way about him. He brought laughter into my home where it was badly needed. I was also grateful to have more family around my children. Ethan and Hannah adored their uncle and he in turn couldn't seem to get enough of them. It was truly heartwarming to see.

The summer had gone by quite quickly. I had originally wanted to take some time off to fly out to see Emmett with the kids. I thought we could go to Disneyland, Sea World and spend time at the beach. But Emmett beat me to the punch, so I decided to take the time off anyway, but spend it at home and do things as a family while Emmett was there.

Today was Bella's birthday and Emmett, the large child that he was, insisted that we spend the day at Six Flags in Gurnee. It was less than an hour away, so we surprised Bella in the morning with homemade waffles, courtesy of Monica, and then swept her and the twins into the car to surprise her with the trip north. Everyone was meeting us up there; another birthday surprise. Monica, Bob, Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, Jacob and Leah were going to meet us in front of the big double carousel.

Thankfully, she was surprised and so touched that everyone was there. I thought she was also a bit embarrassed to have been the center of attention for a moment, but that passed quickly.

As it turned out, Monica and Bob didn't enjoy roller coasters, or any fast rides at all, so they were able to watch the twins for us while we rode every ride in the park. I felt like a sixteen year old again. There was just something about going that fast that was so thrilling. We all laughed and enjoyed the day immensely.

The twins were tired early with no real nap and being in the sun and fun all day. Monica and Bob once again graciously offered to take them back to the brownstone and put them to bed. Monica had truly become such a joy for all of us. Since my parents were not a constant presence in Ethan and Hannah's life, I was grateful that they had sort of adopted grandparents in Monica and Bob. And though Monica was only over a few hours each day during the week, the twins were very attached to her already.

We only had a couple more hours before the park closed. Everyone was in agreement that we had to ride as many of the roller coasters as possible before then. Since everyone was paired up, of course Bella and I had ended up riding together most of the day anyway. Watching her ride the roller coaster was hilarious; she tried to put her arms in the air and would always scream at the top of her lungs. And when it was over, her cheeks were flushed and she had a starry look to her eyes. I had never seen her look completely happy before. I mean, she didn't look unhappy every day but I had never seen her with that look of utter joy on her face before. I wanted to see it again. So we kept riding.

I wished I could take a picture of how she looked that day.

I wished I could capture the laughter and joy I witnessed on her face all day.

I wished I had met her before I had met Angela.

And the next day, I wished myself dead for even having that thought.

I was mixing the twins' oatmeal in a bowl on the counter in the kitchen. Ethan had already thrown every cheerio in his bowl onto the floor and was working on grabbing Hannah's as well. The sheer determination on his face was a wonder to behold. I had decided that oatmeal was probably a better option this morning.

"Morning," I heard Bella's voice behind me. She sounded like she was in a great mood.

"Good morning, Bella. Did you sleep well?"

"I did. I really did. I was exhausted after yesterday! Thanks again Edward. I can't remember when I had more fun, especially on a birthday. That was so thoughtful and well… it was just great. I'll never forget it."

I turned around to look at her. Her face was flushed again as it was yesterday and she did indeed look very happy. My hands itched to touch her cheek, her hair or better yet, those lips.

"It was my pleasure, Bella. I'm so glad you had a nice-" At that moment my cell started ringing. I picked it up.

"Dr. Cullen," I said into the phone.

BPOV

I had just thanked Edward for the glorious day at Six Flags. I couldn't believe that everyone came out for _my_ birthday. I'd never been on a roller coaster before and I found that I _loved_ it. It made my heart race and my pulse soar. I felt alive and scared all at the same time.

I laughed all day, ate too much, drank beer and took pictures and… the list was too long. It had been the perfect birthday.

Now I was standing in the kitchen, watching Ethan reach over to attempt to capture Hannah's Cheerios bowl, his little tongue sticking out as he tried to get to it. He was almost there.

"Dr. Cullen," Edward answered into his cell.

"What do you mean?" Edward's voice sounded alarmed. He looked up at me panicked. I just knew it was bad news from the hospital. I motioned him to go to the other room and that I would stay with the twins. I didn't hear anything else.

I sat down with the twins after finishing up the oatmeal preparation that Edward had started. Ethan and Hannah were at that stage where incomplete, nonsensical words were coming out all the time and it was challenging to figure out what they wanted.

I heard Edward come back into the kitchen. I turned around to look at him and saw that his face was ashen. He looked _broken_.

"Edward?"

He looked into my eyes.

"Edward, what is it? Did something happen to one of your patients?"

He just stared at me.

"Can you watch the twins the rest of the morning? I have to make some calls upstairs," he quietly asked me.

"Of course. Do what you need to. I've got it. I hope everything's alright."

"I hope so too," he mumbled and walked upstairs.

A couple of times that morning I heard his raised voice but I couldn't make out what he was saying. By late morning, I had to take the twins up for their nap. I closed the door to their room behind me just in case he got loud again.

After they were down, I quietly opened their door and stepped into the hallway.

I could hear him clear as day.

"Listen to me you son of a bitch! That's _my wife_ we are talking about. And if I want to come over there to assist in the efforts then that's exactly what I am going to do. You have nothing to say about it, you hear me? If it wasn't for you, she wouldn't have been there to begin with, so I am placing the blame at your feet. And another thing Ben, you better pray to God that you find her before I get there or I am going to kill you, got that?" he said.

He said it loud enough that I could hear the menace in his voice but he also sounded completely in control.

Angela! Missing?

Oh God!

Ethan and Hannah!

No wonder he'd looked so shell shocked.

I hurriedly rushed downstairs and reached for my cell.

"Emmett? It's Bella. You need to come here right away. It's an emergency!"

Edward was still upstairs when Emmett got there. He wasted no time chatting with me when he walked in. He high-tailed it up the stairs, taking them two at a time.

They were up there for a really long time.

In the mean time, the twins had woken up and I took them for the longest walk I had ever taken them on. I wanted Edward and his brother to have as much time as they needed to talk about whatever it was that had happened.

I wanted to help Edward, and I figured this was the only way that I could do that, at least for the time being.

Once we were home it was time to start dinner. I didn't know if anyone was hungry, so I made spaghetti bolognese; easy to heat up at a moment's notice. The twins didn't like it; they only wanted pasta with butter and parmesan cheese.

I knocked on Edward's door and quietly told them that dinner was ready. Emmett said they would be down in a minute.

So I waited.

When they did finally come down, Edward asked me to join him in the living room while Emmett sat down to eat with the twins.

"Bella, I'm sorry about today. First of all, thanks for calling Emmett. I was too distraught to know what to do for myself and I'm so glad he's here. I know you overheard a little bit of the conversation, so just let me say what has happened and then you can ask me whatever you like."

"Ok," I said.

"Angela was planning a surprise trip to come back home for a week when her plane crashed shortly after take-off, somewhere close to the Rwanda-DRC border. I have no details yet as to when it happened or exactly where. We only know that it was a private company plane and no… bodies have been found."

My jaw dropped in horror. My hand automatically raised to cover up my shocked expression.

"Oh God, Edward, I'm so sorry," I squeaked out.

"Obviously, I don't want to discuss this in front of the twins because I don't want them to pick up on my stress and panic if possible. I'm planning on flying out there as soon as possible to help with the search and do all I can to help get her back."

"Of course, of course." I grabbed his hand. "You can count on me to help with whatever you need Edward. You need to find her."

I had a huge lump in my throat at the thought of any harm coming to Angela. That woman had been so good to me and she was the mother of the twins. I was in total shock.

You hear about this shit happening to people, but you never think it can happen to you or someone you love. This was so real and gut-wrenching. I just wanted to hug Edward. He looked devastated and I wanted to comfort him.

_Get a grip Bella, the only one who can comfort him is the love of his life, his wife! Not you. You are nothing. An au pair. Nothing._

"Edward, I told you that's a big mistake!" Emmett's voice came from the kitchen. He walked to the doorway to the living room and stood there leaning on the wall.

"Emmett, I'm glad you're here I really am. But stay out of it," Edward told him.

"You know what I said is true. You're too close to this. This is what family is for. I can represent you. I can go over there, keep you informed and work on your behalf to keep the pressure on. Come on, you need me to do this. You can't deprive your children of their father during this whole thing. Think logically."

"Em, this is my decision, not yours."

"Yes, and you're making a big fucking mistake. Please Edward, let me help."

Edward was quiet for a long time. I felt that was my cue to leave and check on the twins. I left them alone in the living room for over an hour.

I decided to take the twins for a walk yet again. I didn't want them picking up on all of this from Emmett and Edward at the house. When we got back it was time for a bath and bed. It was bittersweet to watch the twins in the bathtub. They were having so much fun in the water and playing with the bubbles. They had no idea what was swirling around them.

When I finally got them to bed and read them stories till they fell asleep, Emmett was gone.

Edward was at the kitchen table with a bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand and his wedding picture in the other.

He didn't even look up when I walked into the kitchen.

I walked to the sink and started cleaning the dishes. I cleared the kitchen table without saying a word to Edward. He obviously wanted to be alone.

I heard a knock at the front door.

It was Alice.

I opened the door and she burst into the hallway.

"Where is he?" she asked.

"Kitchen."

"Thanks," she said.

I followed her back to the kitchen. She rushed over to Edward, circling him in the biggest hug and kept repeating "I'm so sorry, Edward" near his ear as she kissed his head.

I felt like an intruder, so I quietly slipped past them and went down to my room.

I heard crying. Not outright bawling, but a soft, sniffling sound of weeping.

Huh? Where was that coming from?

I cracked my eyes open, it was still dark out. I glanced over at the clock, 3:10 a.m.

Did I imagine that?

Then I heard it again.

I sat up in bed and listened closer. It didn't exactly sound like one of the twins…

It came from the baby monitor. I could see the little light on the monitor flashing every time the crying noise started again.

I ran upstairs, not bothering with my robe. I had my summer PJs on and they covered enough of me for the moment.

I quietly crept up the stairs and walked into the twins' room.

There on the rocking chair sat Edward with tears pouring down his face.

I just stood there, looking at him. My heart twisted with the knowledge that he was in so much pain. The twins were pretty hardy sleepers, so thankfully they hadn't woken up.

He still hadn't noticed that I was standing there.

I tiptoed over to the rocking chair and gently placed my hand on his shoulder.

"Edward," I whispered.

"Oh God," was his response. He moved forward to the edge of the rocking chair and grabbed me gently around my waist, pulling me a step towards him. He placed his head face first toward my stomach and gradually turned it to the side. All the while he held on to me, wrapping his arms around me.

"Oh God, what have I done? How could I have done this to her?" He sobbed quietly into my stomach.

I reached down and encircled his head, trying to shush him.

I rubbed his back with my right hand while my left arm remained around his shoulder and neck, hugging him to me. I could smell the Jack Daniels in the air. He had drunk a lot.

"Now, now sshhh, you didn't do anything Edward. They are going to find her. You'll see. I'm so, so sorry Edward. I feel so badly for you. Sshhh," I whispered all the while continuously rubbing his back. I started to rock our bodies slightly back and forth.

I lowered my face to the top of his head and kissed him through his hair.

"Sshhh. Everything is going to be ok."

I laid my right cheek on the top of his head and held on to him.

I knew at that moment that nothing would ever be ok again.

**A/N**

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**Keep us on author alert…Schicksal will be posting soon. It is an AH morphs to vamp story that we will be posting as soon as possible.**


	27. Chapter 26

Chapter 26 EPOV

Pounding.

Brutal, non-stop pounding.

The inside of my head was thumping in a nauseating way that seemed to envelop every sense in my body. Lord, how much had I had to drink? And why?

Oh God!

The reason came back with sudden clarity and knife-sharp precision.

Angela was missing. There was a great possibility that she was dead.

And it was my fault.

She was trying to come home to surprise us. Most probably spurred on by my repeated attempts at throwing guilt her way each time we had spoken since the night she announced that she was leaving. My pointed barbs carried through over webcam contact and phone calls we had had since she left as well. This time they had obviously found their mark.

She was trying to get home to us.

And now she might be dead.

If only I had just supported her trip this time. She wouldn't have felt the pressure to see us; she would have finished her work and then come home. This whole thing could have been avoided.

And now it was too late.

I was responsible for killing my children's mother.

How could I live with that?

I slowly got out of bed and made my way to the bathroom. The moment my body was in an upright position I felt my equilibrium shift and I ran towards the toilet. This was not going to be pretty.

As my body purged itself of every last drop of remaining alcohol, my mind attempted to purge itself of the poisonous guilt that had taken residence in my brain. But to no avail.

I tried to tell myself that this was Angela's choice. She had gone and I had begged her to stay. If she had listened to me, she would be here with us safe and sound.

Regardless of how true these thoughts were, I couldn't deny that I had made her last couple of weeks here a living hell without ever letting her know that I still loved her, cared for her. I hadn't spent any quality time with her before she left. In fact I was absolutely cold to her. Our subsequent webcam and phone conversations were just as frosty. I could see and hear the hurt in her face and voice when we spoke. At the time, I didn't care. I thought she needed to see what she was doing to us.

And now it was too late.

I would never be able to say I was sorry.

I sat next to the toilet and held my throbbing head in my hands.

I deserved this pain.

After a long while, I took a shower and dressed. I wanted to check with Emmett as to what was going on in Rwanda and if there was any new information. I also wanted to spend some time with the twins. Though they didn't know what was going on, I needed to be with them.

Alice had left me a voice mail that she had called the hospital for me so I didn't need to do that, at least not right away. Emmett was making arrangements to leave for Rwanda later that day.

I was so grateful for my family.

Emmett had been right as well. My children needed me right now and I needed to be here with them as well. As much as I wanted to help in the search for Angela, he would be the wiser choice.

Those people in Rwanda wouldn't know what hit them. Emmett was a pitbull when it came to getting what he wanted. If anyone could find Angela it would be him. He wouldn't rest until every question had been answered.

Monica had come over early to cook some kind of comfort food. I knew I needed to eat something but the burning in my stomach seemed to be a fitting punishment for my transgressions. I wanted to be reminded every second of what a selfish asshole I was.

The more I thought about it the more sickened I became with my behavior.

This was the year 2011. Women and men alike had careers, important careers, and still it was expected that women would give up their dreams and careers for their families. Rarely were men expected to do that. And I had been the unenlightened man and had followed suit.

If I had needed to travel for my job it would have been accepted, without question.

I had forced some deep seeded archaic idea of what a mother should be on to Angela.

How many men over the years were rarely home for their children but provided for their families and it was accepted by all?

Why couldn't I have done that for Angela?

After all, I tried to be home as much as I could and we had plenty of money to help with additional childcare. So it wasn't as if the children were neglected per se.

No, I had acted like a man from the '50s, demanding that my wife be home and take care of the children. And because of that, she left not knowing how she was loved and basically forcing her to come home to visit sooner than she was probably ready to.

And now she was gone. For a while, forever, who knew?

I heard the front door open. Bella had just come home from walking the twins. I hurried over to them and took them both in my arms. I buried my head in their little necks and kissed their sweet faces. They were both shouting 'Da' at me. Their little voices were like a soothing balm to my throbbing head.

"Morning, Munchkins. I missed you," I told them.

As I looked over at Bella, she was staring at me intently. "Thanks for taking them out this morning Bella," I quietly told her.

"Beya," said Hannah and pointed at Bella. Hannah had started saying Bella's name a few weeks ago and her lack of ability to pronounce her l's was adorable.

"My pleasure, Edward," she quietly responded and suddenly dropped her eyes to her feet.

"Well, I think after their morning nap I'm going to take them out for the day. I'm not sure where but I just want to get them out of here," I told her.

"Of course, I understand. Why I don't I get them their snack and you can put them to bed afterwards?" she offered.

"That sounds perfect."

I went into the other room and called Ben for an update. Nothing. They still knew nothing. There were only two people on the private plane, the pilot and Angela, and their bodies had still not been recovered. They couldn't track down any witnesses to the flight crashing. He said that the wreckage was mostly burned but despite all the fire the authorities said there would normally have been some kind of bodily evidence that someone was on board. But they had found nothing.

Nothing.

I wasn't sure if that gave me hope. It wasn't beyond the realm of possibility that the fire had consumed everything in its path. If it had then there would be no remnants of human skeleton. I didn't know what to think.

Even though I knew it was the right thing for Emmett to go, I was still frustrated that I wasn't there to try to help. I needed to do something.

After calling the hospital and arranging for my temporary leave, I finally ate something small and waited for the twins to wake up. When they did, I took them to the Zoo. It was their favorite place to go. The animals were their obsession. They pointed and screamed and ran around everywhere.

One thing was for sure. Regardless of whatever happened in my life, the twins would be a constant. There was no time to wallow in their presence. They demanded my full attention and I was happy to give it. Even through this awful time they were a distraction like no other.

"Ma?" Ethan asked. I turned my head to him. He had only just started saying that just before Angela left. He was asking for his mommy. Tears filled my eyes and I quickly lifted him up and kissed his cheek.

"I miss Mommy too, buddy," I told him. Then I hugged him to me, rocking him back and forth. More for me of course than for him.

It occurred to me then that I had no idea what I would do if Angela was really gone. What would I tell the twins? Did I need to say anything to them since they were so little? Did I do it later when they were older?

I had no idea what I was going to do.

As usual, Bella and Monica were absolute lifesavers for my family.

When I couldn't get out of bed because I was so grief stricken and guilt ridden, the children were always taken care of.

When I had no appetite or any desire for food, there was always something in the kitchen that was irresistible, even to me.

When I needed to be alone, everyone just seemed to disappear.

When I needed company, someone would sit in the room with me in silence.

I didn't know how each of them knew what I needed, but they did. They both had taken over the workings of running the house and taking care of the children and I effortlessly.

Before I knew it, a week had gone by.

Emmett had been in Rwanda for a few days and was calling regularly with reports.

The authorities still hadn't found anything definitive. However, they had found the remains of one person under the fuselage. They still couldn't determine if it was a male or female due to the extensive damage to the body. Emmett had arranged for Angela's dental records to be sent there as soon as possible. My stomach seemed to be in a constant state of upheaval while waiting for confirmation on the dental records.

Emmett had also found out that the wreckage was very near the Ruzizi river. It was completely possible that Angela had been thrown from the plane and had landed in the water. But if that had been the case they would have found a body. At that point, they hadn't found anything yet.

I wasn't sure if I was hoping that they would find her body or not. Closure would be nice but finding her alive was better. So it was a double-edged sword as the days clicked off and no new news came in.

As the days and weeks passed, I felt myself become more and more numb to life. I had taken an indefinite leave of absence from the hospital. Emmett had eventually come back from Rwanda after spending a month there, trying to knock heads around and get something done. Alice was over more often than she wasn't. Monica still had her same schedule of a couple of hours a day where she spent most of her time cooking. I'm sure she was hoping the comfort food would help the situation. It didn't but I appreciated the effort.

Bella had apparently dropped out of school for the semester as soon as Angela went missing. I didn't realize she had done that until I heard Monica and Alice discussing it one afternoon close to Thanksgiving.

Bella had become such an integral part of the twins' lives that I never noticed her spending more time at home. Not until I heard the conversation that is.

The worst part was that I couldn't bring myself to care. All my time was spent either caring for my children, researching rescue efforts in Rwanda and/or emailing and phoning anyone who might be able to help us find Angela.

When Emmett had gotten back, he sat me down and told me there was no chance that Angela had survived. I didn't believe him. If she had died, there would be a body right? It was a plane crash and I believed that her body flew into or near the river. Someone could have found her, she could have crawled away… maybe she lost her memory and couldn't get home? I had become obsessed with the possibilities.

Emmett was convinced that the fire had reduced any remains to ash and that there wasn't a chance she could have made it. Not after his extensive searching and queries.

I couldn't let her go. I just couldn't. Not before I had a chance to make things right.

And what would my children think when they were older if I just gave up? What if she really was alive somewhere? I owed it to her to do everything I could to find her. And I would.

So my days were always the same. Get up. Feed the twins. Go for a walk. Do Research. Call Rwanda. Call Ben. Call anyone who might be able to fucking help me. Play with the twins. Feed the twins. Put them to bed. Do more research. Drink. Fall asleep.

Dream.

The dreams were the worst.

Either I dreamed of the time when we first met and fell in love, or, and this was the worst one, I would dream of Angela telling me that she knew I didn't want her anyway because I wanted Bella.

I knew this was my subconscious and my guilt playing on me, but it tore me up inside because the truth was I had been fantasizing about Bella long before Angela disappeared. So I was sort of cheating on her on some sick level, wasn't I? It was normal to fantasize about famous people or crushes a little bit, but I had fixated on Bella from nearly the moment I had met her. Though I had never physically acted on those feelings, hadn't I cheated on her emotionally?

Had I started to give up on Angela partly because of my attraction to Bella? Wouldn't it have made it easier to walk away from Angela with the excuse that she wasn't taking care of our children only with the hopes of walking into Bella's arms eventually?

Didn't my problems with Angela start with me seeing how maternal Bella was with our children? And how that was what I wanted for myself and the kids?

I didn't know anymore. My mind swirled in unending circles from morning to night.

It didn't matter who I blamed. Ultimately this whole thing landed back in my lap. I had no right to expect to be happy again.

I could only hope that my children would not suffer unnecessarily because of my choices. I would do my best for them. My needs and wants no longer mattered.

Truth be told, I didn't need or want anything anymore.

Except for Angela to be alive.

Three months.

Three long and unending months of waiting for news, praying that someone would find my wife alive.

The only blessing in the whole thing was that the children really had no way of understanding what had happened. I tried to keep a normal routine but I could only do so much.

I had dropped a lot of weight and Alice kept telling me that I looked gaunt. I had no interest in going back to the hospital.

I was an empty shell, walking around under the guise of being human. I felt like death.

My dreams had morphed into nightmares about Angela being abducted or the many possible ways she had died. I had pretty much come to the realization that she was dead. I could only deny it for so long.

The search had stopped months before. Emmett had returned to do more research and search the surrounding areas with her picture. No one had seen her or had heard of her.

So instead of Christmas this year, I would be having a memorial service for my wife.

I wanted it small and intimate. But Alice said I would be doing Angela a disservice since she was so well known in the medical field and people would want the chance to say goodbye. So I let Alice do everything.

I also refused to the let the twins come. Alice, Emmett and I had had words over that decision. But damn it, they were my children and it was my choice. They wouldn't remember it anyway so what was the point? The thought of them standing before a memorial of Angela started a pit in my stomach that I didn't think I could deal with.

It was Bella who had changed my mind.

"Edward?" she said.

"Yeah?"

"Alice told me you don't want Ethan and Hannah at the service tomorrow. Is that right?"

"Yeah it is," I said.

"May I ask why not?"

"What would be the point? They won't remember it and I don't know if it will scar them in some manner because I don't know if they understand any of it. I won't make them suffer unnecessarily. And… I don't know if I can take seeing them there either," I explained quietly.

"Oh. Ok." She hesitated before continuing, "I know this isn't any of my business Edward, and I know you always have their best interests at heart. But… well, have you considered that even if they don't know what is happening, and even if they can't remember it, years from now when they _do_ understand, they will want to know if they had the chance to say goodbye. If they were there with you when everyone said goodbye. And I'm sure they would want to know that they were there _for_ you as well. That you stood as a family to say goodbye to their mother," she said.

I looked at her. She walked right up to me and raised her hand to my cheek. She wiped away the tears that I didn't realize were streaming down my face.

"I'm sorry, Edward. I shouldn't have said anything," she whispered. Then she walked away.

Alice did an amazing job at the memorial service for Angela. She had little black outfits picked out for the twins, my suit had been pressed, the announcements had gone out, the flowers were amazing and pictures of our family were blown up all over the front of the church surrounding a large picture of Angela on our wedding day. It was a close up of her face and she looked so happy.

The twins were very low key all day. It was almost as if they knew what was going on. Bringing them to the service had been the right choice and I would always be grateful to Bella for pointing out the most important reason for them to come; to say goodbye to their mother, even if they weren't old enough to do so themselves.

I somehow got through the day. Numb seemed to be my middle name lately. I didn't remember everyone coming or going. I couldn't remember the food or who came to the house. I didn't remember the twins going to bed or at what point I fell asleep.

Except for consciously knowing it was Angela's memorial service, it felt like any other day. Lifeless. Empty… guilt-ridden.

Without researching or looking for Angela, my days became somewhat blurry. I watched TV a lot. I still spent a lot of time with the kids. I continued to let myself go physically and I drank much more than I should have. I had no desire to go back to work. I reasoned that the kids only had one parent now and I needed to be home.

I kept Monica and Bella on because I wanted to keep things normal for the twins as much as I could. But the truth was I wasn't really present all of those months. I was still that inhuman shell walking around.

The holidays came and went right along with the twins' birthday. Alice, Bella and Monica threw a big party with the babies from the neighborhood. I didn't remember much about it. I was glad that they handled everything because I sure as hell couldn't.

Emmett moved to Chicago at some point. When was that? I couldn't recall. I knew he bought a house and I think he decided to come to be closer to us and to be closer to Rosalie. He came over a lot too to see the twins.

The only other thing I noticed besides my children was Bella. I watched her when no one was around. I stared when she interacted with Hannah and Ethan. I still felt that familiar pull and attraction to her. That was something I was never able to control. Only now, I recognized it for what it was; a betrayal of Angela.

In the evenings when everyone went to bed I would drink. I would chastise myself for my wife's death, for my emotional infidelity and for my inability to be a man again.

I had considered letting Bella go but I couldn't do that to Ethan and Hannah right now. They needed her almost more than they needed me.

When would this insanity that was my life ever end? When would I stop crying? When could I taste food again? When could I feel anything more than guilt? When would I ever sleep without having a nightmare about Angela?

When would I ever stop wanting Bella?

I opened up a new bottle of Jack Daniels.

I knew the answer to that question.

Never.

And I was more certain than ever that there was nothing I could do about it.


	28. Chapter 27

Chapter 27 BPOV

Angela was dead. There seemed to be no other possibility. Her body couldn't be found. There was no evidence that she could be alive and Emmett had searched exhaustedly for her.

I couldn't believe she was gone.

My heart bled for Ethan and Hannah. Though they had her for a short period of time, they were too young to ever remember her. I cried for them every day, never in front of anyone of course, and never while I was around the twins. It was usually at night in bed when I would mull over the events of the day. I would think of what it would be like for them to grow up without their mother; to never know her, to never remember the short time they had together.

I loved Ethan and Hannah as if they were my own children. I had been there for them since shortly after they were born and I felt an unbreakable connection to them. Their pain was my pain.

It was the main reason that I decided to drop my classes for the rest of the semester. It was still early enough that I received part of my tuition back. More importantly though, I knew the twins would need me more than ever. And so would Edward.

No one had asked or suggested that I do such a thing. In fact, Alice and Monica had argued with me briefly about it but I was resolved. I had talked to my parents about it as well and they actually agreed with me wholeheartedly.

I never even viewed it as any sacrifice on my part. I loved all of the Cullens and I would do anything for them. In my mind, they were family; and you did things like that for family. What better reason could anyone ever have? I was young and had plenty of time to go back and take classes. The twins would only go through this difficult time once, and damn it I would be there for them.

Then of course there was Edward.

Edward.

I hardly recognized him anymore. He didn't go to work anymore, all he seemed to do was sleep, spend time with the twins and drink at night. I think he tried to drink on the sly but it wasn't hard to notice the telltale signs. Bottles wrapped in newspaper in the garbage, going through bottles of aspirin like candy and the smell of the alcohol on him if I passed him early mornings near the twins' room.

He looked tired and depressed. He had lost weight. He no longer had that twinkle in his eye or lightness to his step. He was absolutely a changed man. He must have loved Angela tremendously to grieve so deeply. It must have been one of those soul mate kind of loves to have effected every part of his life like that.

I had seen people lose their spouse before. I had never seen any of them react like Edward. There was sadness to be sure, and a period of adjustment and depression, but somehow life would go on.

With Edward it looked like life was going to end.

It pained me to see him so sad. Would he ever again be the man that I met when I moved here?

He also avoided me as much as possible. We didn't see a lot of each other anyway with his work schedule, but since the accident, it felt like he went out of his way to never be in the same room with me. If I didn't know any better I would say that he didn't even know I still lived there. I didn't know why that was the case. And of course I couldn't _ask_ him about it. So I just did what I was there to do, take care of the twins.

After the first couple of months, I could feel the depression that enveloped Edward's every step start to seep into my consciousness. It was as if his feelings became my feelings. I couldn't help it. I missed seeing the Edward I knew and loved.

Yes, loved.

I felt as if the moment that Angela died, Edward had died with her. His body was in the house but it was merely a shadow compared to the flesh and blood Edward I had gotten to know.

I missed him terribly and I had no one to talk to about it. I didn't know how to make it better. I didn't know if or how I could help him. I did the only thing I knew I _could_ do; love his children. Loving them still connected me to him somehow. It wasn't enough but it was something.

After the first few months, my tears at night had morphed from grief over Angela's death and its effect on Ethan and Hannah, to the loss of Edward. My love was still there for him, but the man I thought I loved was no longer living in the house.

It was not like I could fight to get him back; he was never mine. He never knew how I felt and now surely he never would. How completely inappropriate it would be for me to tell him how I felt and that I missed him. His wife was dead. He was mourning the love of his life. There would be no amount of time that could go by that would heal him of that wound.

Although I had given up school for the twins, I would have to talk to Edward at some point about how I was to leave Chicago with the least effect on the children. I couldn't stay forever. I needed to start my life too. I was more than willing to help them out for a while, but now that Edward was truly slipping away, it pained me even more to stay. I wanted to help him but there was nothing I could do. Every day that I remained, I died a little more inside.

Surely this wasn't really love… No, this was an obsession. True love wasn't one-sided and that was what my love was; only on my side. Edward didn't even know who I was anymore. Not really.

My parents had been planning to come visit the weekend of St. Patrick's Day. They wanted to see the Chicago River turn green. I told them that would be fine but that I didn't think it was a good idea for them to come to the brownstone. That would mean having to talk to Edward about Angela and giving him their condolences. I didn't want to put him through that again.

So I met them out and about in Chicago over the weekend. We went to some museums and did some shopping. We talked a lot about Edward and the twins. We all agreed that I needed to speak to Edward about leaving at some point. They didn't know him well enough to give me any sound advice as to when I should have that conversation.

It was great to spend time with them. I hadn't realized how lonely I had been lately. Sure, there were plenty of people coming in and out of the brownstone over the last few months, but I had spent the majority of my time with Ethan and Hannah. I occasionally went to a movie with Alice and Jasper, or spent time at the book store, but I hadn't been spending time with other people. I was guessing that this all had something to do with my depression, right along with my 'loss' of Edward.

For their last night in town, they wanted to take me for dinner at the Signature Room on the 95th floor of the John Hancock Building. I had always wanted to have dinner there. So, we went to the Water Tower Place and my mom insisted on buying me a new dress. I loved it. The classic little black dress. This dress was a bit lower cut than I was used to and it hung off the shoulders slightly. It was form fitting and I loved it. I left them to go back to their hotel while I rushed home to check on the twins and change clothes.

When I got to the brownstone the twins were already in bed. It almost seemed as if no one else was home but I knew better. Edward would never leave them alone.

I looked around downstairs and noticed a light on under the door that led to the study. I knocked softly.

"Come in," Edward answered.

"Oh, hi. I just wanted to see who was home, that's all. I'll leave you alone, sorry to disturb you," I told him.

He was sitting in front of his desk with only the little lamp on. The desk was piled with papers that he was going through. Next to the papers on the right was a full open bottle of Jack Daniels and a glass standing next to it. His hair was disheveled as usual, but his eyes had a deeper hue around them. He looked exhausted. I swallowed tightly and closed the door.

I turned around and walked to my room to get ready.

The hot shower offered me no respite. My thoughts were consumed with Edward and how he had looked sitting at his desk.

Lost.

Alone.

A little bit like me.

I shook my head to rid my rattled brain of thoughts of Edward and concentrated on getting ready to meet my parents. I put on my new dress after fixing my hair and makeup. I put on my shoes and grabbed my purse. As I walked down the hallway toward the front door, I heard a chair sliding out on the floor behind me.

"Going somewhere?" Edward asked. I turned around abruptly and looked at him. He had scooted the chair away from the kitchen table and was leaning back staring at me.

"Yes, I'm going for dinner," I answered him.

His eyes looked me up and down boldly as I stood there facing him. He was silent for the longest time, his eyes raking over my person repeatedly. I started to feel uncomfortable. Obviously he didn't care for what I was wearing; why else would he look at me with such distaste? Maybe I should change? No, my mother helped pick this out for me and she would be disappointed if I wasn't wearing it at dinner.

"Um, well, I gotta go. See you later Edward," I told him as I turned quickly and rushed out the front door.

Dinner was amazing. The food and service was excellent. Neither could be matched by the view of course. Dinner at the Signature Room was everything I had dreamed it would be. It was the perfect place for me to say goodbye to my parents before they left. Mom even had the waiter take a picture of all of us.

As I drove home, I decided I would talk to Edward at the end of the month and formulate a plan to leave Chicago. I missed my parents and I really wanted to finish school. I no longer was interested in being an au pair. After what had happened with the Cullens, I didn't think I could do it again for another family. It would be too painful.

No, it was time to concentrate on my future. My future didn't have Edward in it, or the twins. My future was to go back to school, travel whenever I could, and spend time with my parents. It was good that they came to visit; their presence had put everything into perspective for me.

I tiptoed into the house, closing the front door quietly behind me. I knew my steps wouldn't wake the twins but I didn't want to alert Edward to my arrival. I just wanted to head to bed. I didn't need to be stared at again and made self conscious about my dress.

"Sneaking back in are you?"

I sucked in my breath and shrieked quickly. "Oh, Edward! You scared the shit out of me!"

He was standing in the dark hallway, leaning against the wall.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to startle you. You look like you're sneaking back into the house after doing something you weren't supposed to do."

"What? What do you mean?" I asked him.

He sauntered slowly over to me. "Were you?" he asked.

"Was I what" I answered back.

"Were. You. Sneaking. Back. Into. The. House?" he said, pausing after each word. Each word took him one step closer towards me. As he neared me I instantly smelled the Jack Daniels on him. It seemed to be oozing from his pores. He was drunk.

"No. I was just coming back from dinner. And now I'm going to bed." I took a step toward my room.

He immediately side stepped in front of me and took another step forward, backing me toward the front door. At the same time his eyes raked over my body again from head to toe. I started to squirm under his intense glare.

"You know, you shouldn't go out in public like that," he said, licking his lips and smirking at me.

I hesitated before I responded. My eyes locked in on his mouth, mesmerized by the sight of his tongue coming out of his mouth and wetting his lips. Drunk or not, he had the most amazing mouth.

"I… I don't know what you mean, Edward."

"You look sinful in that dress Bella, and I think you know that." He took another step forward. I was running out of space between my back and the front door. I moved a step to the right toward my room again but Edward side stepped me once more, effectively backing me against the door.

He lifted both of his arms up, placing them on either side of me and leaned in toward my face.

"Anyone in their right mind wouldn't let you out of their sight in that dress. Who were you out with tonight, Bella? Paul? Jake? Someone new?" He leaned in toward my face and ran the tip of his nose up and down my right cheek, inhaling my scent. "God, you smell so good."

Holy shit! He _smelled_ me. What the hell was I supposed to do? He was drunk; there was no good outcome in this situation. I was screwed. Well, not literally of course, but figuratively. I had a no-win situation here. If I let him go further I would indulge a two year fantasy I had about this man and he obviously would break my heart. If I pushed him away it might embarrass him or worse, piss him off. How do I get out of this mess?

Suddenly I realized he was kissing my neck.

Oh fuck, it felt so good. Yes, I could smell the Jack Daniels all over him, but underneath that was that Edward smell I missed so much since Angela had died. He had never gotten so close to me since then and I missed it terribly.

Oh shit, Angela was dead. _That's right. Remember that and get yourself out of this. This is wrong._

"Do you have any idea how you have driven me insane since the first moment I met you?" he told me quietly. He moved to the other side of my neck, kissing me up and down my neck and sucking my ear lobe lightly into his mouth. He brought his lips over to my cheek and backed away slightly from my face. He was looking directly into my eyes and I was bewitched.

I couldn't look away.

Not for all the money in the world.

Not for every good reason to do so.

Not for the memory of a dead woman whom I cared for.

I couldn't.

"Bella," he whispered my name softly like a feather floating in the breeze. He said it reverently like a prayer. "Bella," he said it again, never wavering his eyes from mine. Then he looked at my lips briefly and back into my eyes again.

Oh my God! He was going to kiss me. Holy shit! It was finally going to happen. In that moment, I didn't give a rat's ass that it was because he was drunk.

I knew he would regret it.

I knew I never would.

Somehow, I had been granted a chance to know what it would be like to kiss the love of my existence and I would not turn it down.

I knew it was wrong.

And in that moment, I knew I didn't care.

My heart was racing and my chest was heaving. I was breathless already and he had barely touched me. I couldn't bring myself to say anything. All I knew was that I wanted to kiss him. Really _kiss_ him.

That's all.

That was everything.

He leaned closer still and brushed his lips softly, ever so softly over mine. I closed my eyes in pure bliss. Dear God, if you were planning on taking me young, do so right now because life just didn't get any better than this second.

He deepened the kiss slightly by taking my top lip in between his and sucking slightly and then moving to my bottom lip. I mirrored his kiss, sucking on his lower lip first and then as he switched, his upper one. His tongue peaked out gently from between his lips and begged entrance into my mouth. My tongue greeted his like a long lost lover, twisting and playing with his gently. His body moved in closer to mine and he flattened his fully against mine.

He felt and tasted absolutely heavenly.

My entire body was electrified. Every nerve was on full alert.

My hands raised slowly up to his chest and rose higher up to his shoulders, wrapping themselves around the back of his head and twirling his soft hair between my fingers. Oh, that amazing hair; finally I knew what it really felt like. I couldn't stop playing with it and pulling it gently as his tongue plunged in and out of my mouth. We both turned our heads to the side to deepen the kiss even further and all at once the kissing turned in to what can only be described as _mashing_.

It was hungry and desperate. Glorious in its passion, beautiful in its simplicity. It just kept going _on_.

I couldn't get enough of him.

Had I ever thought that I would? Like an addict, once broken, not able to stop.

I heard him moaning and much to my embarrassment I realized I was louder than he was. I couldn't remember ever feeling this way over a kiss, couldn't recall a time my body physically reacted to another in this way. I was so aroused that had we gone further I would be humiliated if he touched me _there_.

Niagara Falls was the only correct description of what had happened to me.

I could feel his reaction to me as well. I felt it on my stomach as he ground it against me all the while plundering my mouth with his blissful kisses.

"God, help me, I want you Bella," he whispered in between kisses.

He wanted me?

Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

What the fuck was I going to do?

We were kissing so desperately, our lips bruising each other's in their frantic dance together. His lips were so soft and his tongue did things inside my mouth that I had never felt before.

This was a kiss.

This was what life was all about.

This was what I refused to live my life without.

I wanted him. God, help me, but I did.

I had no more control over what came out of my mouth next than I had control over the weather.

"I want you too, Edward."

There.

I said it.

It was the truth.

I wanted him so badly I could have started to cry. Never had I felt so desperate for another person. I wanted to consume him. I wanted to eat him alive.

He slowed down our kissing until it was soft and languid again.

Then he stopped kissing me altogether and looked down at me.

Both of us were breathing heavily as if we had just finished a 10K run. We sucked in each other's breaths, trying to calm down for a moment.

Other than our heavy breathing there was only silence.

He kissed me one more time gently.

"Why don't you go into the living room for a minute? I need to go to the bathroom quickly and I want to take my shoes off," I told him.

"Sure, sure." He kissed me again, this time a little more forcefully. "Hurry back, ok?"

"Ok," I told him.

My legs were shaking when I reached my bathroom.

I had to pee since I walked in the door but nothing was worth breaking that moment upstairs.

What should I do now? Did I really want to go through with this?

I loved Edward. Of that I was sure.

But he was drunk.

Would he remember anything if we did it tonight? Did I want to lose my virginity to him when he was drunk? Did he even care for me for more than just sex? Would my heart survive it if he didn't?

God, all the questions! And I didn't have any answers.

And THE final question:

If I could have Edward even for only one night, if this was the only chance I would ever have, could I take it?

**A/N**

**As usual thank you to my partner Parama! Not only for her support and ideas but also for hooking me up with the best FF recs EVER. This past week she hooked me into 'A Pound of Flesh' by Jaxon22 and I'm telling you…WOW WOW WOW. Amazing story, I couldn't stop reading for two days. I'm still puckering from the lemons…and the storyline is fantastic truly. LUV that slow burn. Thank you to all our readers and to those loyal fans who always leave reviews…we so appreciate all your support.**


	29. Chapter 28

Chapter 28 BPOV

I hadn't lived a terribly interesting life. Nor had I taken risks. In fact, I wasn't a risk taker. I always erred on the side of caution and I always had a plan.

Until Edward.

I stood before the proverbial fork in the road and for the first time in my life I was contemplating the road I had never taken.

The one that involved _risk_.

Clearly Edward was in a crisis of sorts having lost the love of his life; he was depressed, lost and definitely drunk. It was a lethal combination.

And I knew it.

But I still had a choice to make. I could walk away and try to salvage the working relationship that we had for the short term as I would be leaving soon anyway.

Or I could venture down a path I had never taken and at least finally know what it would be like to be with Edward. And that road not taken included my first time making love with someone.

Did I want to lose my virginity to a drunk and depressed man who was in love with another woman? No. But I did want to lose it to Edward, one way or the other if I had the chance.

One time.

Just for this one night.

It would have to last me forever.

Contemplating this move was not only risky but it was plain stupid. I knew that too. I was far from stupid.

But… I was in love.

And as the saying goes, love is deaf as well as blind, right?

And what was that other saying? The one about rather risking love than never having known it at all? I couldn't remember.

I was looking for reasons to do this. I had enough _not_ to do it.

I tried to consider the possible fallout. The 'morning after' so to speak.

He could ignore me and pretend it didn't happen. He could fire me. He could be embarrassed and still fire me. He could act guilty or remorseful and continue to work with me or fire me.

I figured the chances of me being fired were pretty good.

I could live with that. I would have had to have the conversation about leaving with him soon anyway, and what would be the difference if he asked me to leave or if I did it on my own? Nothing. Just a matter of timing.

I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on calming myself so that I could come to a peaceful place and finally make a decision. I had to stop waffling.

I took in three deep breaths and exhaled them loudly. I looked at myself in the mirror.

I turned around and walked out of the bathroom, through the makeshift living room and up the stairs to Edward.

As I entered the kitchen I could hear soft music playing in the den. "Edward?" I called out as I made my way in the direction of the music. I could see a light on.

I walked into the den and looked around.

There on the couch, with one leg laid out in front of him and one foot on the floor, was Edward.

And he was asleep.

Of all the stupid fucking things I had done! Gah!

I had taken too long in my room deciding what to do and now it would never happen. So much for taking the road not travelled. I am such a bleeding idiot!

And now what was I to do?

I now knew what it was like to bask in the light that was Edward if for only a short moment. It had been more than I had ever experienced in my life. My body was still throbbing with need after only a few minutes of kissing him.

I ached for more.

I ached for him.

I threw myself on my bed and started to cry.

I was a firm believer in the idea that things happened for a reason. Sometimes we didn't know until later what it all meant, but usually there was a reason. Of course that didn't apply to death in my book. There never seemed to be a good enough reason for loved ones to die, but for most every other thing in life, I did believe in looking for the reason.

And the reason that Edward had kissed me so amazingly and so thoroughly that evening, ruining me forever for anyone else ever again? I couldn't think of one good reason. I would always compare every man to him from now on. No one would ever be good enough for me after what happened tonight. Hell, I already knew I wasn't good enough for _him_.

So what had been the purpose? And what would happen tomorrow?

Would he remember kissing me? Would he regret it? Would he be embarrassed?

I was mortified.

If he remembered what happened then he would remember my reaction to him; like some bitch in heat. Other than with his lips, Edward had not touched any part of my body whereas I had attacked him. My response had been strong and immediate. His had been experienced and steady. I had felt his desire as well, but I was sure mine had surpassed his by a mile.

My cheeks immediately started turning red with the memory.

I bet he thought I was easy. He had no idea that I loved him. I had never told him, never told anyone. I went out of my way not to look at him or respond to him so that no one would know my shame for loving a married man. So he couldn't know how I felt.

And after just kissing my neck I ravaged his face.

Who knew what he thought of me now.

I had no idea how I was going to handle this in the morning.

It felt weird to be contemplating this now since I had just done that recently. But those contemplations had revolved around making love with Edward, and the ramifications of that I was willing to bear so long as I got as much as I could out of it, namely that Edward would be my first and I would have that memory with me forever. I never contemplated a short make out session and what would happen afterwards.

I felt like such a hypocrite.

Tears were streaming down my face. God, I loved him so much. I could still feel his hair between my fingers and the length of his body pressed up against mine. Being held between his two arms had been nirvana, and I wanted to go back to that moment so badly.

How could I go on now knowing what I did about how it felt to be kissed by him?

How?

I couldn't.

I couldn't live here without that anymore. I just couldn't.

I buried my face in my pillow and cried in earnest.

I mourned the one thing in life that I had always wanted and now would never have. I wanted Edward so intensely that my body and mind were in meltdown. I was consumed with the memory of our kissing against the door. I could think of nothing else.

After a long while of crying, I fell asleep from exhaustion.

And of course, I dreamed of Edward.

EPOV

I no longer recognized the difference of one day to the next. Each day melted into another. The only thing that differentiated one from the other was the development of Hannah and Ethan. They had started speaking more words, walked more confidently and were in to _everything._

I never drank during the day, or more importantly, any time the children were awake. I waited until they were fast asleep with no risk of them waking up. I knew it was wrong but I couldn't help myself. My self-flagellation was only endurable under the haze of alcohol. Without it, I no longer could sleep.

I tried to hide it as best I could. Normally I wouldn't even start until everyone was in bed. And once I finished a bottle I wrapped it in paper and stuffed it into the garbage bag at the bottom.

I didn't know if anyone had noticed my new vice. I hoped not. But in the end, as long as my children were not negatively impacted by it, then it was no one's business.

I had been handling my binging pretty well until recently.

The weekend of St. Patrick's Day an old friend of ours from college had called to talk to Angela. Obviously she had not known what had happened, and I had to explain the whole nightmare to her. Once I hung up I went straight to my best friend Jack and started drinking. The kids had only just gone to bed and Bella wasn't home yet; she had left to go out for dinner or something.

Yeah, I had noticed how gorgeous she looked when she left the house. The low cut black dress and high heels left little to my imagination, and truth be told I didn't need any.

I had just started thinking and obsessing about who she was going out with when I received the call. Afterwards I started drinking heavily. As was often the case, once I started drinking the time just flew by.

At one point, I found myself standing in the hallway, staring into the kitchen, remembering all the times we had sat there as a family, eating meals together. It seemed to me to be years ago, not just months. I felt Angela's absence in every room. She loved this house.

Then I heard the clicking of the keys in the door and _her_ footsteps entering the hallway.

I turned around slowly in the darkened hallway and watched Bella take two steps into the house.

Before I had time to consider what I wanted to say the words had already left my mouth. "Sneaking back in are you?"

I heard her suck in her breath quickly. "Oh, Edward! You scared the shit out of me!"

"Sorry. I didn't mean to startle you. You look like you're sneaking back into the house after doing something you weren't supposed to do."

"What? What do you mean?" she asked me.

I slowly walked over towards her. "Were you?" I asked.

"Was I what?" she asked me in return.

"Were. You. Sneaking. Back. Into. The. House?" I said, pausing after each word.

With each word I took a slow step towards her. It was as if my feet had a mind of their own, drawn to her like a magnet to its other half.

"Ah, no. I was just coming back from dinner. And now I'm going to bed." She tried to step around me but I countered her step, hindering her from passing by.

I looked at her again, this time sweeping my eyes from her head all the way down her beautiful body to her feet and up again. She was perfect in every way. I couldn't stop looking at her.

"You know, you shouldn't go out in public like that," I said. And I meant it. She looked gorgeous in that dress and I didn't want anyone to see her like that except for me.

She didn't say anything at first. She seemed to be staring at me as well, contemplating what she would say.

"I… I don't know what you mean Edward."

"You look sinful in that dress Bella, and I think you know that."

I took another step towards her, backing her closer to the front door. I hadn't a clue what I intended to do, I just knew I needed to be closer to her. She tried to move to the right again to go around me but I countered her and moved one step closer. Her back was now fully against the door. She had nowhere else to go.

I lifted both my arms up, placing them on either side of her and leaned in towards her face.

"Anyone in their right mind wouldn't let you out of their sight in that dress. Who were you out with tonight, Bella? Paul? Jake? Someone new?"

I had to know who she had been with. She should only be with me, not one of those foolish young idiots that she had been dating before. She was too good for them. Truthfully, she was too good for me. But the Jack Daniels had given me the liquid courage I needed to move forward.

I leaned in closer to her face and ran the tip of my nose up and down her right cheek, inhaling her scent deeply. "God, you smell so good!"

I moved closer still, feeling my lips being pulled to the side of her neck. Before I realized what I was doing, I was kissing the side of her neck. It was the softest skin I had ever felt against my lips. Like rose petals, soft and infused with a heady perfume.

"Do you have any idea how you have driven me insane since the first moment I met you?" I whispered against her skin.

I slowly moved to the other side of her neck. She moved her head with me, giving me better access to her throat. I kissed her up and down her neck, slowly luxuriating in the softness and Heaven that was uniquely her. As I moved my mouth slowly up her neck again, I felt her ear lobe rub slightly against my nose, so I reached up with my mouth and sucked on it gently. Then I moved my mouth over to her cheek, leaving a light kiss there and backed my head away from her slightly so I could look into her eyes.

She looked at me just as intensely. Damn, she was gorgeous. Everything from her deep brown eyes to the curious expression of her eyebrows. Her hair hung softly around her face and I longed to put my hands into her long tresses, but I didn't trust myself. Somehow kissing her without touching her seemed allowed. If I touched her I was afraid this dream would end.

And that's all this was.

A dream.

Never in million years would Bella let me kiss or touch her. I knew that.

Surely she looked at me as an older, married father and hadn't the least bit of interest in me.

Not only did the Jack Daniels gave me the courage to dream this dream, it also let me fantasize in a way that felt so real.

"Bella," I whispered her name, afraid that if I said it too loudly I might wake myself from this heady slumber. "Bella," I said it again, loving the way it rolled off my tongue.

In my fantasy, I stared at her lips and she let me.

I tried to imagine what she would taste like. I knew she would be delicious, like no other woman before her. I was desperate to kiss her.

Just once.

Just one time.

I had to know what it was like even if it was only a dream. It just seemed so _real_.

I leaned my head closer to her lips and brushed them softly with my own. I groaned silently. Never had I felt anything so soft and warm and inviting. If ambrosia was of this earth then surely it was Bella's lips.

I started to suck on her upper lip and then moved to her lower one. She countered my kiss perfectly, mirroring my actions. Then I softly moved my tongue into her heavenly mouth, lightly stroking hers. The moment our tongues met, I lost all control I previously had and moved my entire body over hers, pressing her into the door. I couldn't touch her with my hands, but my body had other ideas.

The electrical pulse of our connection flowed through my body and burned me from within. I could feel my raging erection pressing against her stomach and I didn't care. This is how it was supposed to be; uncontrolled, raging and passionate.

I felt her hand move up my chest, over my shoulders and into my hair. If I could have cried in ecstasy in that moment I would have. Never had I felt such arousal and need for a woman before. Never. The more she played with my hair, the harder my erection became. I needed to be inside her. Now.

And since I was going to Hell anyway…

I moved my head to the side in an attempt to deepen our kiss, and at the exact time I felt Bella do the same. Our mouths were all over each other, doing a timeless dance that could end only in the union of our bodies. I was hungry for her and she seemed to feel the same about me.

I could hear her little whimpers against my mouth and then realized that I was groaning rather loudly as well.

It felt _too _good_._

I never wanted this feeling to end.

I couldn't remember the last time I had dreamt of her so explicitly, it felt so _real_.

_Stop overanalyzing your dream you idiot; just go with it!_

"God help me, I want you Bella," I whispered to her.

And of course my dream Bella responded to me, "I want you too, Edward."

Did life get any better than hearing those words from her? I didn't think so.

I slowed down our kissing until I stopped altogether. I wanted her and I wanted her now. I didn't want to wait anymore and this was my dream so I could do whatever it was that I wanted.

We were both breathing heavily into each other's mouth. All I could think about was how I wanted to be kissing her again, but not against the door. I wanted to lay her down on something soft and explore her body as well as her mouth.

I kissed her one more time very gently.

"Why don't you go into the living room for a minute? I need to go to the bathroom quickly and I want to take my shoes off," she told me.

"Sure, sure." I kissed her again, this time a little more forcefully. "Hurry back, ok?" I told her. Every minute away from her would be agony tonight.

"Ok," she said.

Then she walked to the stairs and went to her room.

I turned around in the hallway and felt myself stumble a little. I put my hand up against the wall to steady myself. Wow, either I was drunk from kissing Bella, or I was drunk period.

I made my way into the den and turned the small lamp on. Then I went over to the stereo and turned it on. It was already set to a nice soft rock station and I hadn't the wherewithal to search for anything else. I was lucky I had found the 'on' switch.

Should I stand here waiting for her? Or would it be ok if I sat down?

My fuzzy thoughts dictated that I should at least sit down while I waited.

So that's what I did.

As I sat there, I thought about Bella. I wondered if she really kissed like that in real life, because if she did, I would be in more trouble than I could possibly comprehend.

I felt my head start to loll against the back of the couch. I moved my left leg up on the couch and adjusted myself more into a half laying position.

Maybe I would just close my eyes for a minute. Dreaming was better with your eyes closed, right?

I could feel the room spinning slightly.

"Bella," I said softly to myself.

When I opened my eyes again it was light outside.

**A/N**

**I feel awful that last week I forgot to thank my new beta Lulabelle98 for her mad skills. She is just wonderful and as I mentioned previously had re-edited the entire story. So thank you so much! Shout out of course to my partner in crime Parama without which ATR would not exist. And to all our loyal followers you make taking the time to do this story so worth it. We appreciate every comment and review. Any of you who have not received a response it is because you have your personal messages turned off. ATR made Underfictionated rec list this week…YEAH! Thank you!**


	30. Chapter 29

Chapter 29 EPOV

I can't believe I fell asleep on the couch. Crap! Now my back would probably ache all the rest of the day. Ugh. I felt awful. Again. Well, it was par for the course for me these days.

I continued to lay on the couch with one arm covering my eyes. My head felt like it was going to explode. How did I end up sleeping on the couch? I never fell asleep there.

A flash of brown eyes and soft lips raced across my memory.

Ah… the dream!

I couldn't remember a time in recent months that I had had a nice dream. My sleeping hours had been filled with only nightmares.

But last night…

One of the best dreams of all. And if I remembered it correctly, it hadn't even ended with sex.

No sex?

My dreams nearly always ended in sex or close to it anyway. When they didn't end in sex it was because I was woken up in the middle of one. Hmmmm.

The best dreams I had ever had were about Bella. And this was no exception.

It must have been that amazingly sexy dress that she wore out last night because she was wearing it in my dream. Right along with those high heels that made her legs even slimmer than they already were and beckoned to me to touch them.

I started rubbing my face with both hands trying to wake myself out of the sleep stupor that I was still in. I breathed in deeply trying to wake myself up more. I needed to get up and check on the twins.

Wait.

I breathed in again.

I could have sworn I smelled Bella.

My eyes shot up and looked around the room.

No Bella.

I sat straight up on the couch and looked around. I breathed in again.

Still Bella.

Why could I smell her as if she were sitting next to me?

Sitting up so fast made my head spin. I lowered my face into my hands with my elbows propped up on my knees. I really needed to stop drinking so much. I hated this morning after feeling.

I breathed in deeply once more.

Damn it I could still smell her!

I reached down to my shirt and pulled it to my nose… Bella!

Why did my shirt smell like Bella?

I breathed in deeply against the shirt again. Next to the smell of my children when I nuzzled their little necks or kissed their heads, this was the best smell in the world. I would know it anywhere.

And I had no idea why my shirt smelled like her.

Maybe she was doing the laundry now too? Usually Monica did that, but so much had changed over the last few months, perhaps Bella had taken over that as well.

I steeled myself against the vertigo feeling that I knew would come once I stood up completely. Jack Daniels may have been my best friend in the evenings but he sure as shit wasn't right now.

I stood up slowly… yup, there it was.

I slowly walked upstairs and peeked into the twins' room. They were still sound asleep. Looks like I had just enough time to shower before they would wake up.

I peeled off my clothes, slowly pulling my shirt to my face again to get another hit of Bella. Damn, I immediately got hard on that one. She always smelled so good. I still didn't understand how her scent could be so strong on my shirt even if she had done the laundry.

I set the water to scalding and stood underneath its steamy breath for a moment before placing my head under the strong, wet stream. God, that felt good. I was still hard from my last whiff of Bella, and I momentarily thought of rubbing one out before I got out of the shower.

No, I couldn't do that. What would that say about how I felt about Angela? It was too soon to consciously think of someone else. Even Bella.

The fact that I actually had enjoyed a dream about her already had my guilt monitor increase into overdrive. It had only been a few months and I still felt as though my feelings for Bella were a direct betrayal of Angela. Strange that while Angela was still alive I hadn't thought of them as such. Now that she was gone, I realized that they were and would continue to be so soon after her passing.

Her passing.

I still couldn't believe that she was gone.

I shook my head under the hot water one last time and got out. I dried off and got dressed. As I reached for a new shirt, I changed my mind. I knew it was wrong, not to mention it was dirty, but I put on the shirt from last night again. The smell of Bella calmed me and made feel more alive than I had in a long time. I hadn't had it on for very long last night before I fell asleep. I brought the shirt to my face once more to check if it smelled bad at all, and once again I was hit with the overwhelming scent of Bella. It seemed to be all over the front of the shirt but not the back.

That was just… strange.

I checked on the kids again, but they were still sleeping so I went down to the kitchen to make coffee. God knows I needed some badly.

I sat at the kitchen table with my head in my hands as I waited for the coffee to finish. Every time I closed my eyes I had a crystal clear picture of some part of my dream with Bella in front of me.

Against the front door.

My hands on either side of her.

In my dream I hadn't touched her. I couldn't remember why. Why wouldn't I touch her?

I had kissed her and she had kissed me back. And not just innocent soft kisses. They had been knee bending, world changing kisses that touched your soul.

I groaned inwardly.

I could almost imagine what she would have tasted like in real life. Soft and fresh like a sunny spring day. Flowery and dreamy like my dreams of her. I breathed in deeply once again.

That _smell_.

I jumped up from my hunched position when I heard a throat clearing in the room. I looked up and saw Bella standing in the doorway. She had obviously just woken up. Her hair was in sleepy disarray and her eyes looked pinched and tired.

"Ah… morning," she said softly.

"Morning, Bella. Did you sleep well?" She didn't look like she had but she still looked like the most beautiful creature I had ever seen even in her freshly awoken state.

"Um… yeah? I mean, well, no…not really. I, ah… I heard the twins waking up so…"

She wouldn't look me directly in the face for some reason.

"Bella, is everything ok?"

"Um… yeah… sure. I have to go get the kids, I'll be right back."

And then she ran upstairs to get the twins.

I hoped she was ok.

She didn't look ok.

But then again, neither did I.

Maybe she was friends with Jack too.

BPOV

Once I had finally fallen asleep, it turned out to be a restless night. I kept dreaming of Edward and getting myself so worked up in the dream that I would wake myself up. I probably had slept a total of two hours.

I rolled over when I heard the twins making the usual sounds that indicated they were ready to get up. I figured I might as well make myself useful instead of wasting any more time in bed where I was obviously getting no rest.

Edward would surely still be asleep after drinking so much so I wasn't concerned about running up to get the twins in my PJs. But when I reached the top of the stairs, I saw Edward sitting at the kitchen table with his head in his hands. He seemed, at least physically, to not be feeling very well. I felt a knot form in my stomach.

What would happen now?

Would he regret what little we had done?

Would he feel guilty?

Would he fire me?

Would he even remember?

And the most important question of all: would he want to do it again?

I had no idea what to expect. I hadn't been out with enough guys to really be able to anticipate what he would do next. As I stood in the doorway looking at his hunched form, I got even more nervous.

I didn't think I would regret what had happened. I had finally, finally kissed Edward. It was what I had always wanted. And guess what? It was better than all my imaginings combined.

But the fall out was not something I had really thought of or prepared for. I guess there had always been the feeling of impossibility behind my longing for all things Edward. Now that one of them had become a reality, well, reality had kicked in.

I stood there not knowing what to do.

I inadvertently cleared my throat in an effort to think of something to say. His head flew up and our eyes met briefly before I looked down at my feet again. I couldn't tell in that second what he was thinking, and even if I could I wasn't altogether sure that I wanted to know.

"Ah… morning," I whispered. Strangely I seemed not to have much of a voice.

"Morning, Bella. Did you sleep well?"

I didn't look up. I didn't know what to say. What did that mean did I sleep well? As if sleep would ever come easily to me now that I had tasted the God that was Edward. Was he making fun of the fact that he fell asleep?

"Um… yeah? I mean, well, no… not really. I, ah…I heard the twins waking up so…"

I wanted to ask directly if he remembered what had happened last night but I couldn't. I was embarrassed, ashamed actually. The man's wife had been dead not three months and I was already jumping his bones. What kind of woman was I? Angela had been my friend and yet the moment she was gone I was like a bitch in heat around her husband.

"Bella, is everything ok?" It wasn't what he asked; it was _how_ he asked it.

He didn't remember what had happened.

How did I feel about that? Relieved? Disappointed? Sad?

"Um… yeah… sure. I have to go get the kids, I'll be right back."

I needed to get out of that room immediately before I had a breakdown. I didn't know how I felt about the fact that he didn't remember what had happened yet. I couldn't be in the same room with him without reacting to him in some way. And until I was clear on what I would do about what had happened last night, regardless of his memory, I needed to think.

Alone.

EPOV

I let Bella take care of the kids during the morning while I tried to repair the brain damage I sustained with my latest bout of Jack Daniels. I took some aspirin, chugged over a liter of water down, and went upstairs to lie down. Perhaps a little sleep would help.

I laid down on my side, hugging my pillow to me. The throbbing at the back of my head wouldn't recede. I tried to take slow, deep breaths to calm myself in the hopes of falling asleep. The moment I took that first big breath I was once again hit with the scent of Bella. I felt myself get hard again. I reacted to her involuntarily. My body instinctively knew what it wanted even if my brain told it otherwise.

I was still trying to figure out why my shirt smelled like her but my head was so tired and muddled that thinking on any one thing for too long was just too much for me. So I let it wander.

With each breath, another part of my dream from the night before would swim before my eyes.

Bella's tongue in my mouth… oh God!

Silky and soft.

Every time I breathed in, I could imagine placing my nose near her cheek, her neck and inhaling deeply. Feeling her amazingly soft skin under my lips… shit, I was hard again! The dream was just so _graphic_. It was like I had been dreaming with an old television as a screen and the dream of last night was in high definition. Like night and day.

I involuntarily pressed my palm against my crotch for a little relief.

In my dream I had pressed her up again the front door and kissed her everywhere I could from her shoulders on up. She hadn't denied me. In fact, she had told me that she wanted me.

Me!

I told her I wanted her too. Well, I think I told her first. Did it matter? In my dream Bella had told me she wanted me. Nothing had ever sounded so good to me.

I wanted to make love to her in my dream. I knew that. Why hadn't I? Since I had been dreaming in HD anyway, _that_ would have been a part I would love to dream again. But I hadn't.

Oh right, because in my dream she wanted to go to the bathroom and then maybe take off her shoes or something…

I sat straight up in bed and started breathing even harder.

Fuck. My. Life.

It hadn't been a dream!

**A/N**

**As usual, thank you to the usual suspects: Parama my partner and our beta Lulabelle98! Thank you to all our wonderful reviewers! Many of you have asked how long to the prologue, how long for the story…and though we have written ahead on this story so that RL doesn't get in the way and you will always have a Wednesday update, the story is not nearly finished yet. It is, however, completely planned out and nothing will change. Unless of course you can convince Parama to change it!**


	31. Chapter 30

Chapter 30 EPOV

It hadn't been a dream.

It had been real.

I had kissed Bella up against our front door, and it had only not gone further because she had told me to go to the living room while she went to the bathroom briefly.

Oh my God, and then I had _passed out_! Did she even come back? Maybe she had wanted to go to the bathroom to get away from me and the situation? That actually sounded more likely than Bella being truly attracted to me.

The poor girl had come home and I had attacked her at the door, drunk. She had had no other choice than to make up an excuse to get away from me.

No wonder she was acting strangely this morning. She must be horrified that I made advances to her like that. She couldn't even look me in the eye.

I was so ashamed of myself.

Now I truly had betrayed Angela. I had probably ruined the one good thing that my children still had going for them. What was I supposed to do now? Talk to her? Pretend it didn't happen?

I knew the responsible thing to do would be to talk to her about it; just get it out in the open and try to assure her that it wouldn't happen again. Blah, blah, blah.

I threw myself down on my back on the bed again and covered my face with my hands. How had I let things get this fucked up? Bella had been nothing but a supportive and sweet girl since she came to us, and in a drunken stupor I had disrespected her. Blatantly.

I knew I should get this over with right away, like tearing a bandage off of a wound, but my head was still throbbing and I couldn't bring myself to face her. I decided to try to sleep a little and then talk to her. If I was feeling better then I would have a clearer head with which to deal with the situation.

Yeah, that's what I would do.

I took a deep breath. Bella.

At least now I knew why I smelled like her.

BPOV

He didn't remember.

I should have realized, I mean, I knew it was a _possibility_ but I guess I didn't really think he would completely forget. I felt like such an idiot! I knew he was drunk. I guess he was beyond drunk… wasted was more like it. Now he didn't remember anything about what had happened.

And I did.

What had I been thinking?

Did I really think he would kiss me, possibly make love to me, and then want to spend the rest of his life with me?

The man just lost the love of his life, he was crazy with grief and probably loneliness, and I had taken advantage of that. It didn't matter that he had made the first move, I should have pushed him away nicely and helped him to his room or made him coffee or… or… anything but what I had done.

Now I had to _remember_ the perfect kisses he had given me and know that he had never really wanted me. I had to remember the smell of his body and the feel of his hair and know that all I had done was betray the memory of a friend.

I had to remember the feel of his strong body grinding into me and how I would never feel the same about another man ever again.

How was I ever going to look at him in the eyes again?

I felt my cheeks flush deeply. I took a deep breath, trying to inhale some courage to face him again in the future. The only thing other than oxygen to enter my body was unadulterated shame and desire. I couldn't help but remember what the whole experience had been like for me. More than any erotic fantasy of any man I had ever had.

Just imagining being with someone you loved like that every day brought an immediate lump to the back of my throat.

I loved Edward. That had been clear to me for a long while now, but now the fantasy and the reality of never being with him was at the forefront of my mind. He was the man of my dreams; my every desire. Everyone I had been with in the past paled in comparison to him as I knew they would. I had just not realized how staggering that reality would be to me.

I had never seriously considered the possibility of kissing Edward to ever become a reality. So now that I knew what it was like to kiss and touch him, how would I ever go without?

How could I walk away from what had quickly become my reason for existing?

I had no answers, only more questions. Those questions would probably never be answered.

After Ethan and Hannah went down for their naps, I cleaned up the kitchen and started to prepare dinner. Monica was off this week. She and Bob were going on a vacation so I was covering for her. I didn't have the heart to make something challenging so I did something basic, noodles with a cream sauce and chicken. The kids would love it.

Edward didn't usually eat dinner with us these days. He usually just ate leftovers from the fridge after the kids went to sleep… if he ate at all. So I wasn't worried about seeing him at dinner.

Of course, that wasn't what happened.

Edward brought the twins down when they woke up from their naps. He went straight to their buggy and took them out for a walk without saying a word to me. I thought it was kind of odd but then again, Edward hadn't been acting _normal_ since Angela died.

By the time he got back, dinner was ready and he put the kids in their high chairs and then proceeded to sit down to eat with us. I was shocked and now I was sick to my stomach as well. My nerves had finally found me with the close proximity of Edward.

I didn't know what to say or how to act. I wanted to say something, but I couldn't. I mean seriously, what could I really say? _Hey Edward, about me mashing with you up against the door? Oh, sorry, you don't remember? Well, yes I attacked your face and body while you were clearly in a desperate and drunken moment. Hope you don't mind, but I'd still like to stay here and be close to you and your hotness for as long as possible before I have to go. Do you mind? Oh yeah, did I mention that I love you?_

Right.

So we sat at the table, neither one of us making conversation nor looking at each other. We did, however, talk about the kids while helping them eat their dinner. It was a very 'safe' conversation, keeping away from anything personal.

When everyone had finished, I jumped up to do the dishes while Edward took the kids into the playroom.

Once I had finished in the kitchen, I went to my room. I was absolutely miserable. I felt like someone had died all over again. A deep sadness now resided next to my heart and I had no idea how I would ever dislodge it.

I had been prepared for a one night fling with Edward, whatever that would entail. I had not, however, really prepared myself for what it would mean if he didn't remember touching me. I could have handled being fired or trying to go on as if nothing had happened. But in those imaginings, _both_ of us knew what had happened. Me being the only person to remember the passion of the night before was thoroughly gut wrenching.

And there _had_ been passion.

Whether brought on by his loneliness or his desperation, it had been there. I wasn't so naive to think that that happened to everyone. I had kissed enough guys, attractive guys, to know that it did _not_ happen to most people. Not like that.

And Edward couldn't even remember it.

God, I felt like such an ass.

I felt my face turn beet red yet again. Why couldn't I have left well enough alone? Now I was in a very awkward position, albeit in my own mind since Edward didn't remember anything, but it was difficult regardless.

I turned on the TV and watched some mindless reality shows in an attempt to stop thinking of the quagmire that was my life. I must have fallen asleep. I turned my head toward the clock next to my bed, 9:17 p.m. Shit! The twins were asleep already for sure. I didn't like them to go to bed without saying goodnight. We had all agreed that we would try to keep the kids on a routine and keep it as steady as possible. That included night time routines.

Shit.

I yawned. I was still tired but I was really thirsty too. I hurried to the bathroom to change into my PJs and on my way through the door slammed my toe into the doorjamb.

"Fuck!" I yelled involuntarily.

Damn, that hurt. I hopped around on one foot for a few moments and then lifted my foot into the sink to run cold water over it. Shit, that really hurt.

Were there any other ways I could find to damage myself today? I had done a banner fucking job over the last 24 hours!

Once I could feel my toe without sharp pains racing up my foot, I decided to go upstairs to get a bottle of water. All the lights were out in the house. Huh. That was sort of odd. Edward didn't usually go to bed this early so there was usually some kind of light on.

I went into the kitchen and got some water out of the fridge. As I closed the refrigerator door and turned around to go back to my room, I bumped into a hard body in front of me.

I screamed.

"Hey, it's just me. Sorry I scared you," Edward said as he grasped my shoulders and looked down at me. "Are you ok?"

"Jesus, Mary and Joseph, Edward you scared the shit out of me! What are you doing here in the dark?" My heart was still going a mile a minute. I put my hand over my heart in an effort to stop it pulsating so quickly.

"I just came down to get a drink of water, looks like we had the same idea. I guess great minds think alike." He grinned.

My face turned a deep shade of red once again. I was so grateful for the dark so that he couldn't see how he affected me.

At the same time I was instantly angry. It was a number of things really. I was exhausted and emotional from the night before. I was guilty and angry with myself over letting it all happen. I was pissed and hurt with him for not remembering anything. I was crabby from having just woken from too long of a nap. My toe was still smarting from slamming it into the door, and finally… finally I was irritated and pissed from being scared out of my mind.

It was a deadly combination. Ordinarily I would have done something to let off some steam, like workout or go for a run or something. I did this less for the physical benefits than for the emotional ones. It usually drained my feelings leaving me feeling more stable and calm.

But this time, this time the source of all of my emotional turmoil was standing in front of me with a shit eating grin on his face as if he didn't have a care in the world. Now, logically I knew this wasn't true. Edward had had too many cares of late and I knew that but I wasn't acting logically. I was on overload and nothing was going to stop the freight train that was my mouth at that moment.

"Great minds think alike?" I scoffed at him. "Really? So was it _my_ great idea to kiss you last night? Oh no, let me see… that was you. And was it my idea to pass out after you told me to come back in a hurry? No, that was you too. Let's see, what else?"

I put my finger up to my chin, tapping it as if that would remind me of what I wanted to say next.

"And was it me who couldn't remember anything about last night when they got up this morning? Nope. All you. Let's see, there must be more. Oh yeah, was it me who meant so little to you that you could forget how we reacted to each other last night? Actually, no, that _was_ you! So I'd say Edward, in this moment, and for the last 24 hours, we haven't thought alike at all. Because if we did, you wouldn't have been able to forget the earth shattering kiss that we shared. Because I didn't."

"The truth is I couldn't think of anything else all day, and even though I know it's wrong because Angela just died and she was my friend, and your wife, the truth is I don't think I will ever forget what it felt like to kiss you. And I don't want to feel this way, but I do. I have to just finally get it out because I feel like it's eating me alive, and if I don't get it out I… I-"

The look on his face halted my diatribe immediately. He looked utterly shocked.

Shit! Of course he would be shocked. He hadn't remembered anything and still didn't, and now I just blurted it out. He was probably trying to remember and was embarrassed and didn't know what to say to me. Or he was pissed and he was going to fire me.

Fuck!

Actually, I didn't care. Whatever happened, I didn't care. I felt like a huge load of bricks had just been lifted off of my shoulders and I could finally breathe again. It felt good to let it all out.

I looked down at my feet and noticed that he was barefoot too. I couldn't look up anymore. I was afraid of what I would see in his eyes. Probably pity but I hoped not. Of all the things I did want from Edward, one of them wasn't pity.

I'm just the poor young girl with a crush on him.

Pathetic.

The silence between us was deafening. I had to do something. This was just too uncomfortable. Either I had to say something or I needed to leave. Now.

I took a deep breath to say something. All I could smell was Edward.

"Look Edward, I'm sorry…"

The next thing I knew Edward had grabbed my upper arms and pulled me to him crushing my lips to his.

What?

I responded immediately wrapping my arms around his waist as his hands moved to both sides of my face. He continually plundered my mouth with his soft tongue, occasionally changing the direction of our faces so that we had better access to each other.

I felt myself groan and a rush of arousal flooded my panties.

God, what this man did to me!

He felt so good, he smelled amazing, and all my feelings were wrapped up in his mouth and arms and body against mine.

I could feel him hard and ready against my body as he pressed my back up against the island in the kitchen. I moved my arms up around his neck. My fingers involuntarily sought out his hair again. They knew their place and found it immediately.

I held myself to him like a person holding onto a life raft. I was afraid to let go. I was afraid to ask him what it all meant. I was terrified that if I did, this feeling would be gone. Forever. I couldn't let that happen. So I clung to him with all the desperation and need that I had ever felt. I poured my love and myself into every kiss and caress.

He lifted me on to the island and wrapped my legs around his waist. He pulled back slightly opening his mouth to say something but I immediately silenced him with a kiss. I didn't want to hear what he had to say. Whether it was hello or goodbye was irrelevant. Just as I felt last night, whatever I had to do to have Edward in this way, I would do. There was no other man for me. I knew that now. And however shameful it was for me to take this from him, I would do it anyway. Angela was gone. I couldn't do anything about that. We were here, alive, and we both needed _something_. I would have liked it to last forever but I wasn't that naïve. I knew this was probably a one time thing. But I wanted it. I had wanted it last night.

The truth was that I wanted it forever.

I felt him grind his erection between my legs. I whimpered into his mouth.

_Holy shit_!

My panties were already a soaking mess and I was little embarrassed. What if it went through my underwear and made his pants wet? I would be mortified!

Edward stopped kissing me and moved his mouth down my neck kissing and sucking the skin everywhere. "Bella" he kept repeating in between kisses.

"Oh god, Edward." I couldn't help but pant. My breathing had increased ten-fold and it was becoming embarrassing. I was hyperventilating just from him kissing me.

All of a sudden he stopped kissing me. I could hear both of our breaths coming fast and our chests were heaving with their efforts. I could taste his sweet breath on my tongue as he looked deeply into my eyes.

"Bella, I-"

"Shhh, Edward, don't." I stopped him from talking by placing my fingers over his mouth. "Don't. Whatever it is, whatever _this_ is, please," I begged him softly, "don't say anything tonight. Can we just have tonight without saying anything? Please?"

I stared at his gorgeous green eyes that had turned the darkest green I had ever seen. The light from the moon was shining in through the window illuminating everything in the kitchen. He licked his lips as he stared into my eyes and then dropped his gaze to my lips. He seemed to be deciding something.

I closed my eyes and softly kissed his lips again. "Just for one night, Edward," I repeated softly as I moved to his neck and slowly over to his ear. I sucked on his ear lobe for a moment and then moved to his neck again. I felt the muscles of his chest relax under my hand and then I heard what sounded little like a growl escape his throat.

"Oh god woman, what you do to me," he said softly and then he attacked my mouth again. I could hear him groan loudly as he ground himself into me again.

"I have to touch you baby, right now," he said. I was happy to oblige. Finally I would feel his tender touch on my hot skin. I felt desperate for it. I pulled off my PJ shirt and threw it to the ground.

He looked down at my now naked chest and groaned again. "Christ Bella, you're exquisite."

His comment made me blush again and I looked down. He immediately reached over to my chin forcing me to look at him in the eyes. "Baby don't, please don't hide from me. You're so beautiful."

He made me feel like a complete woman.

He reached out slowly and touched my breasts, kneading their softness and stroking his thumbs over my nipples. My breath hitched in my throat. God, that felt amazing. That electrical charge was again raging through my body in reaction to his touch. I wanted the feeling to go on forever. I felt my nipples harden under his touch, and then felt him bend his head to take one into his mouth while he softly pinched the other.

I felt my breath hitch in my throat again. I was so turned on I could hardly stand it. Up until this point, I had steadied myself using my hands behind me while he touched my breasts and kissed my neck and chest. Once he started sucking on my nipples, I reached an arm forward wrapping my fingers in his hair and held him to me.

I moaned loudly and my breathing increased again. I felt like I couldn't catch my breath.

"Hold on to me," he said suddenly. I reached my other hand around his neck as he lifted me off of the island and carried me down the stairs to my bedroom all the while kissing my neck and whispering my name.

**A/N**

**Ok don't kill us for the cockblock! I've never written lemons before so you will all have to let me know how I'm doing!**

**Thanks to our amazing beta Lulabelle98 for all her hard efforts.**

**Parama my friend…I miss you!**

**Please if you have the time, drop us a review and let us know how you like the story and where it is going. We appreciate everyone taking their precious time to do so. It means so much.**


	32. Chapter 31

Chapter 31 EPOV

"Great minds think alike?" She looked at me, dumbfounded. "Really? So was it _my_ great idea to kiss you last night? Oh no, let me see… that was you. And was it my idea to pass out after you told me to come back in a hurry? No, that was you too. Let's see, what else?"

She tapped her finger over her mouth, mulling over more possibilities.

"And was it me who couldn't remember anything about last night when they got up this morning? Nope. All you. Let's see, there must be more. Oh yeah, was it me who meant so little to you that you could forget how we reacted to each other last night? Actually, no, that _was_ you! So I'd say Edward, in this moment and for the last 24 hours, we haven't thought alike at all. Because if we did, you wouldn't have been able to forget the earth shattering kiss that we shared. Because I didn't.

"The truth is I couldn't think of anything else all day, and even though I know it's wrong because Angela just died and she was my friend, and your wife, the truth is I don't think I will ever forget what it felt like to kiss you. And I don't want to feel this way, but I do. I have to just finally get it out because I feel like it's eating me alive and if I don't get it out I… I-"

She stopped talking and just stared at me. It was my turn to look dumbfounded. I was in shock.

Not only had my dream been a reality, but Bella had _wanted_ me, and if I could believe her ramblings right now, she still did.

How could I have been so wrong about how she felt about me? I was much too old for her, too boring, too normal… and she, well she was everything.

I blinked my eyes a few times in confusion and then I stopped thinking. All I could think about in that moment was that Bella wanted _me_. It was what I had been fantasizing about for nearly two years. The damn burst inside of me and I pulled her to me and kissed her luscious mouth, effectively silencing her verbal tirade and letting loose all the built up longing I had had for her for so long.

The touch of her lips against mine was more than what I thought I had dreamt last night. It was a euphoric feeling to have her against me this way. I couldn't get close enough to her. I wanted to rip her clothes off and devour her.

This was so much better than last night. I was sober and I fully comprehended the fact that this was really happening. She was finally in my arms touching and kissing me as I had dreamt about all these months. The reality was so much better than any of the dreams.

Her skin was petal soft and smelled like only Bella could smell; flowery and sweet. I pressed myself into her and backed her up the kitchen island. Her hands ran up my chest leaving a burning trail of electricity wherever they touched me.

Finally they reached my hair and I felt goose bumps break out all over my body. Her every touch felt like a new awakening to my soul. How had I ever thought that what I had shared with Angela was enough? I couldn't think about that now. If I did, I would have to let go of Bella and delve into a guilt ridden pool of regret and I couldn't do that right now. Not when I had the chance to be with Bella like this; like I had always wanted to.

As desperately as I held her to me, I could feel her own desperation in the way that she had her arms wrapped around me. I never wanted to let her go, and it felt at least as if she was feeling the same way.

I lifted her slight frame up onto the island, grasping her legs and wrapping them around my waist. I wanted to be closer to her despite all the clothes that we both had on. I could feel how hard I was and I wanted her to feel it to, so I ground myself between her legs. She began whimpering into my mouth as we kissed. Damn, was that hot. They were little whimpering noises like a kitten. I grew even harder as she made her sounds. I had never heard a woman make a noise like that, not with me. And I loved it.

I loved her.

I couldn't tell her that though. This was a young woman who, for whatever reason, desired me at this moment. She didn't know what she wanted in her life, let alone me. No, this was probably just a sexual thing for her, an itch maybe that she needed to scratch, and I was happy to provide the nails to help her out if that's what she wanted. I couldn't expect her to have the same feelings for me, not now or ever. But if she wanted me even if just for the moment, she could have me.

I felt though that I needed to say something, perhaps give her a chance to change her mind, or give her an out if that's what she wanted. If we did this, tomorrow would be difficult enough to face. I didn't want her to regret this, so I wanted to make sure that she knew what she was doing.

I stopped kissing her for a moment. It felt like a year.

We were both panting heavily, trying to catch our breaths.

"Bella, I-"

"Shhh, Edward, don't." She stopped my words by placing her fingers over my mouth. "Don't. Whatever it is, whatever _this is_, please," she pleaded with me, "don't say anything tonight. Can we just have tonight without saying anything? Please?"

Once again she shocked me. I wanted her so badly and even an attempt to give her an out had cost me what little resolve I had. The light of the moon shining into the kitchen shone down on her sweet face, and I was once again struck by how beautiful she was. I stared at her lips, and in that moment I literally thought to myself _fuck it_. I wanted her and she wanted me. End of story.

She kissed me softly.

"Just for one night, Edward."

Then she started kissing my neck, and I knew if I had had a chance of denying us before I no longer did. She somehow knew exactly what to do to break my resistance and she did it well. I let out a frustrated growl from deep within my chest.

"Oh god woman, what you do to me."

I gave in. The battle had been lost as I plundered her mouth once more. I groaned and pushed my erection into her again showing her exactly what she did to me.

"I have to touch you baby, right now," I told her.

She pulled off her shirt and threw it to the ground.

I looked down at her perfectly round breasts and groaned again. "Christ Bella, you're exquisite!"

I could tell that my comment had embarrassed her because she could no longer look me in the eye. I reached over to her chin and pulled it up so she was forced to look me in the face.

"Baby don't, please don't hide from me. You're so beautiful."

I reached out and softly began touching her perfect breasts, rubbing my thumbs over her nipples. I could hear her breath hitch in her throat. She was so soft and pliable, I could touch her breasts forever if she'd let me.

With every stroke of my hands on her bare skin, I felt the charge between us grow stronger. Her nipples hardened under my ministrations, and I couldn't wait to take one into my mouth. So I did. I suckled her softly at first, pinching the other one lightly with my hand. Then I began sucking her in earnest and I could hear her immediate reaction.

She leaned back on the island, supporting herself on both arms. Her head was thrown back, displaying her long neck as her gorgeous brown hair hung low touching her back.

She was enjoying this as much as I was.

She reached forward with one hand and wrapped her fingers into my hair, pulling me closer to her chest. Then she groaned the sexiest groan I had ever heard.

I had to get us out of the kitchen… now. I had to be inside of her. I couldn't control myself any longer and I didn't want what would probably be the only time I would be with her to be on a kitchen island.

"Hold on to me," I told her.

She locked both of her hands behind my neck as I lifted her up and carried her down the stairs to her bedroom.

I slowly went down each step, holding her as close to me as I could. I continued to kiss her neck and her chest. I could barely see where I was going. Bella's head hung forward next to mine, her hair forming a curtain around us. It felt amazing. Her scent enveloped me like a cocoon. I had never felt such anticipation and excitement for anyone before.

I walked us into her room and slowly sunk us both onto the bed. I rested my body between her gorgeous legs. I couldn't help but register how perfect it felt to lay on top of her like this. I lifted my head up so I could look into her beautiful brown eyes again.

"God Bella, I want you so much," I told her.

She stared at my mouth and then looked up into my eyes. We stayed like that together for a few minutes, just looking into each other's eyes. I stroked her hair next to her face and rubbed the back of my hand over her cheek. I couldn't believe I was laying here with Bella. After all the torturous months of wanting her, I was laying here with her and we were going to make love.

"Then take me, Edward. I'm here and I want you too."

She reached up and began softly kissing me again.

I was on emotional overload and soft kisses weren't what I wanted. I wanted her desperately and demonstrated it to her by attacking her mouth. My tongue delved into her sweet mouth with wild abandon as if she would disappear any second. I didn't want to waste one glorious moment with her.

I shifted my body just to the side of her so I could have better access to her body.

I caressed her glorious breasts again as I kissed her up and down her neck, sucking at the juncture between her neck and shoulder. I wanted to suck harder, mark her in some way, but I didn't. She wasn't mine, never would be, but I would try to enjoy every heavenly moment I had with her now.

I felt her pulling at my shirt, so I adjusted myself quickly on to my back and pulled it off my body. I was going to roll back on to her but she surprised me by following me on to my back and straddled my waist. I grabbed her hips as she bent down and started kissing my neck from one side to the other.

God, that felt amazing!

I started grinding her hips back and forth over my cock for some much needed friction. I could only imagine how more amazing it would feel to be inside of her… _finally_. I wanted us out of these clothes _now_.

"Baby, lift yourself up a little," I told her so that I could pull her pajama bottoms off. It was awkward for a moment but they finally came off giving me total access to her naked body. I immediately rolled us over once again positioning myself between her legs. I lifted her left leg over my hip and stroked my hand up and down her thigh finally resting my hand on her ass. I squeezed it just a bit and rocked her hip towards me.

"Ah, God, Edward," she moaned.

The whole time I continued kissing her on her mouth, her cheek, her neck… I couldn't stop kissing her, I wanted to kiss her _everywhere_.

I lifted my hand to her breast again and squeezed her perfect mound, grasping her nipple and pinching it lightly, rolling the bud between my fingers. The way she began moaning indicated to me that she liked it when I played with her breasts. I lowered my head to them again and began sucking her nipples. First one then the other, back and forth. I couldn't get enough.

"God, Edward you're driving me crazy!"

"Do you like that?"

"You have no idea," she moaned in response.

I looked up at her face. Her head was moving from side to side and her eyes were shut tightly.

No, I had no idea, but I wanted to.

I wanted to take my time with her. I wanted to remember every single moment, every single inch of her body. Every moan and noise she made. Every kiss. _Everything_.

I slowly moved my hand down her body, over her flat stomach and down to the soft patch of hair above her sex. She was so soft. I groaned when I finally reached the center part of her. She was so wet.

God, she really did want this as much as I did!

I heard her intake of breath when I touched her on that most intimate spot of her body. I parted her lips and rubbed her clit slowly and in circles. I felt her hand grab mine as if to stop me.

"Are you ok?" I asked her softly. I raised my head and looked into her eyes. She had them tightly shut. "Bella, baby, look at me."

Her eyes fluttered open. She had a surprised look on her face.

"What is it? Is this ok?" I asked her softly. Then I kissed her softly and continued my ministrations between her legs.

"Um, yeah. I… I just…" She didn't finish what she wanted to say.

"Do you want me to stop?" I asked.

_Please God, don't make me stop!_

"No!" she exclaimed a little louder. "Please don't stop. Please, Edward… don't ever stop."

"Then what is it?" I asked again, this time with a little relief in my voice.

"I… I guess I'm just nervous," she replied.

"I'm nervous too," I told her. And I was. Would I be all that she expected? I hoped so.

"You are?" she asked with wonder.

"Of course. I think the first time you make love to someone is always nerve wracking. You don't know each other intimately yet and you hope that you are doing everything right. You don't want to disappoint the other person. I think that's normal," I explained to her.

Maybe she hadn't been with many men before. Well, I mean, I assumed that she hadn't because of her age, but these days you just didn't know how much experience young people had.

"I guess you're right. I never thought of it like that."

"So you're ok?" I asked again.

"I'm perfect… with you," she whispered and began kissing me again in earnest. She put both of her arms around my neck and pulled me to her. I couldn't get close enough to her.

I inserted one finger in to her while my thumb replaced my finger in circling her clit. Bella started mewling under me and her breathing increased dramatically. I wasn't sure if she was close or not, but if she was I wanted to help her get there faster.

I bent my head and started sucking her left nipple first softly and then as her breathing picked up again, harder. Then I slipped a second finger inside of her. She was so wet and hot.

All at once, her body rose off the bed slightly and she gripped my shoulders.

"Ahhh, Edward! Oh God!" she exclaimed.

I could feel the effects of her orgasm slip out of her. She was more than ready for me.

I kissed her beautiful full lips again. "You're amazing," I told her.

She just stared at me for a moment, her chest heaving.

"God, Edward that was… just… wow."

Then she smiled the biggest smile I had ever seen on her face. She looked completely content in that moment.

"Yeah, wow," I said to her softly.

I felt her arms move from my neck down to my pants and start unbuttoning them. I was so hard I thought I was going to see stars soon. The rough denim pinching into my crotch was beginning to really hurt. The moment I felt her hands move near the front of my pants I knew I was moments away from some kind of relief.

I lifted myself off the bed for a moment so she could slide the top of my pants down along with my briefs. I pulled them down the rest of the way myself and tossed them to the floor. I almost came the second I felt the cool air hit my cock. In the next moment, I was laying next to her again with one of her legs between mine and my cock resting against her thigh. Her warm body was like a balm to my aching flesh.

"Bella, are you on the pill?" I asked her. It was a little late to be asking the question but I had to. Someone had to try to be somewhat responsible if we were taking this step.

"The pill? Oh, ah, no I'm not. I guess since I didn't know this would happen, it didn't occur to me to prepare myself," she said.

"So you usually use condoms I take it?" I asked her softly, bending my head and kissing her sweet lips again.

"Condoms? Ah, no, I've never used anything before," she said quietly kissing me back. I stopped kissing her for a moment and looked into her eyes. She looked away from me nervously.

What? What did she mean? She never used _anything_? This wasn't exactly the time for a lecture. But I had to ask her one more thing.

"You've never used _anything_ before?"

She cleared her throat and wouldn't look at me. Oh god, this couldn't be good.

As she opened her mouth to say something I heard the twins start crying through the baby monitor.

I let my head fall to her shoulder in complete frustration. This could _not_ be happening!

**A/N**

**Hello awesome readers of ATR! **

**I have a rec for you today. It's called In Bloom by queenofgrey. Its absolutely poetic in its delivery and marvelous in bringing home a difficult subject. Here we see Edward meeting Bella at a very wrong time in his life; when he is married with a daughter. Sounds familiar? hehe! Well, it's nothing like ATR, trust me! Just give it a shot. The author hasn't updated in a while, but maybe a wave of new reviews is just what she needs to get going again.**

**Thank you so much for the love you have shown ATR and The Edwardians! Please don't stop:) And remember to check out our upcoming story Schicksal. It will be awesome.**

**Lullabelle98 is our beta and she AMAZING!**


	33. Chapter 32

Chapter 32 BPOV

Edward walked us down the stairs to my room. I didn't know how he did it what with me wrapped around him like an anaconda and my hair covering us both. But he did it. I was busy kissing his neck and inhaling his amazing scent. Before I knew it he was lowering me to my bed and laid on top of me between my legs. It felt to me like he was always meant to be there, with me, in bed. He raised his head to look into my eyes. He really did have the most amazing, piercing green eyes. I could have just laid there like that forever swimming in their green depths.

"God Bella, I want you so much," he said to me softly.

I couldn't stop staring at his mouth and then back at his eyes. All I could think about was how much I loved him and how much I wanted him to kiss me and touch me. He started to stroke the hair next to my face and then he touched my cheek with the back of his hand.

Wow.

After nearly two years of fantasizing about him, I was finally laying here with Edward. They certainly were not the best of circumstances, I had never wished Angela dead. But she was gone now and I was here. With him.

I think I had a tiny orgasm just thinking about it.

Clearly there was only one thing I was going to say in that moment.

"Then take me, Edward. I'm here and I want you too."

I started to kiss him again. Softly at first and then with all the feeling I had for him. After a few minutes he moved to my side and started to caress my breasts again. Damn did that feel amazing. I hadn't messed around with a lot of guys but I could tell that Edward obviously knew what he was doing. It didn't hurt that my feelings were also so strong for him.

When he started sucking on my neck and shoulder I couldn't help but start moaning. He was driving me over the edge of arousal into the land of insanity. I would have done anything at that moment to have him.

I realized at that moment that I was the only one partially naked and decided I absolutely had to feel his skin against mine as soon as possible. So I started pulling at his shirt trying to get it off of him. He rolled to the side and took it off.

The moment he had rolled over I had rolled with him so I could straddle his waist and look down upon him.

Perfection. There seriously was no other word for this man.

Edward had an amazing chest, well defined but not too bulky. He also had a seriously hard abdomen where you could see all those gorgeous muscles. Not quite a six pack..almost better. A quiet strength that ran through his entire body. And I was now able to _touch_ it. Holy shit.

_Calm down. Yes he is so hot and you have wanted him forever but you need to keep your head now!_

I bent over and started kissing his neck from one side to the other. I just wanted to touch and kiss him everywhere and I didn't know what else to do with me sitting on top of him like that. He had grabbed my hips and was moving them back and forth over his crotch. I could feel how hard his cock was and it was giving me just the perfect amount of pressure between my legs. I continued rocking back and forth over him as he kissed me.

I wanted more.

"Baby, lift yourself up a little," he told me. As I lifted myself he started pulling off my pajama bottoms. I had to lift one leg and then the other but we finally got them off. Thankfully the light wasn't on in my room. I hoped the partial darkness had hidden any embarrassing position I was in while trying to get my pants off.

As soon as the pants were off Edward rolled us over onto my back. This was my favorite position so far. Feeling his full muscular gorgeous self covering my own was absolute nirvana. Then he lifted my leg over his hip and started touching me up and down my leg. It felt so good. But not as good as when he placed his hand on my ass and squeezed softly pulling me into his groin.

"Ah, God, Edward," I moaned.

He kept kissing me the whole time occasionally moving to my cheek and neck, never stopping. It was glorious.

Then he started touching my breast again and pinching my nipple, rolling it between his long fingers. The sensation made me moan involuntarily. I loved when he played with my breasts. I had never felt so sensitive or aroused as when he touched me there. And then he made it even better when he started sucking on my nipples. _Oh God please don't stop_!

"God, Edward you're driving me crazy!"

"Do you like that?"

"You have no idea," I moaned loudly.

I didn't think I could take anymore. I was on sensation overload. Then he moved his hand down my body and reached between my legs touching me _there_. I groaned again. He really was driving me crazy. I was a little embarrassed. No one had ever touched me there and certainly not when I was so aroused. I was afraid he would think I was too wanton when he discovered how wet I was. But it didn't seem to bother him. In fact I think I heard his breath hitch when he touched me. He was rubbing me in circles, just like I would do if I was doing it myself. It felt amazing but it also scared me. I grabbed his forearm.

"Are you ok?" he asked me. I had my eyes tightly shut. I couldn't look at him. "Bella, baby, look at me" he told me.

I opened my eyes.

"What is it? Is this ok?" he asked me softly. Then he kissed me and continued touching me in that wondrous way between my legs.

"Um, yeah. I… I just…" I didn't know what to say.

"Do you want me to stop?" he asked.

_Oh please God, don't stop!_

"No!" I told him a bit too loud. "Please don't stop. Please, Edward… don't ever stop."

"Then what is it?" he asked again.

"I… I guess I'm just nervous," I told him.

"I'm nervous too," he told me. He was nervous? Mr amazing fingers, mouth and body? Why?

"You are?" I asked completely perplexed.

"Of course. I think the first time you make love to someone is always nerve wracking. You don't know each other intimately yet and you hope that you are doing everything right. You don't want to disappoint the other person. I think that's normal," he explained to me.

Well of course he would know. He probably had been with loads of women before he finally settled down and became a family man.

"I guess you're right. I never thought of it like that."

"So you're ok?" he asked me again.

"I'm perfect… with you," I whispered to him. I didn't want to talk anymore I just wanted to _feel_. I started kissing him again but this time as if my life depended on it. I put both my arms around his neck and pulled him to me. I wanted to be as close to him as I could get.

When he inserted a finger in to my wet core and at the same time somehow circled my clit, I thought I would lose my mind. I started making strange noises and my breathing increased dramatically.

He bent his head and started sucking my left nipple softly and then as I felt my orgasm race towards me I started breathing even harder. He slipped a second finger inside of me and that was it. I felt warmth and tingling cover my entire body making me arch off the bed and I felt the most intense orgasm overtake me quickly. I didn't realize it was coming on so fast or strong.

"Ahhh, Edward! Oh God!"

When I could finally open my eyes, I realized that Edward was kissing me again and then I heard him say softly, "You're amazing."

I was still breathing heavily and all I could do was just stare at him. He was so beautiful and now even more so to me because I had just shared with him something I had never let anyone else do to me. "God, Edward that was… just… wow."

I started to smile. I felt so good, so complete.

"Yeah, wow," he said.

Again I realized that our states of undress were favoring his side…or mine. Whichever way you wanted to look at it. He could see me completely naked and I wanted to see all of him as well. I grabbed the front of his pants and started to unbutton them. I could feel his erection through the front zipper and I couldn't wait to finally see him. There was no doubt in my mind that whatever was in Edward's pants was as perfect as the rest of him.

He lifted himself off the bed for a moment helping me to ease down his pants and throw them to the floor. Then he laid his body on me halfways. I could feel his hot penis on my upper thigh. I wanted to touch him so badly.

"Bella, are you on the pill?" he asked me.

Fuck! Birth control! Of course. I didn't think about it even for one second through all of our touching and kissing. No of course I wasn't on the pill, why would I be when I wasn't sleeping with anyone nor had I ever? Crap, now we were going to have _that _discussion. Maybe I should lie. If I didn't there was a chance that Edward wouldn't want to be my first.

"The pill? Oh, ah, no I'm not. I guess since I didn't know this would happen, it didn't occur to me to prepare myself," I said. If I had known this would happen I would have gotten myself on the pill, had an IUD inserted, re-invented the sponge or did anything else to insure that I wouldn't get pregnant. But I never thought this was even a possibility! Damnit!

"So you usually use condoms I take it?" he asked me. He bent down and gave me a soft kiss. Holy fuck here we go. Lie or tell the truth? _Decide now you idiot_! I couldn't even look him in the eye.

"Condoms? Ah, no, I've never used anything before," I looked away from him. Maybe he would just leave it at that. I didn't have to tell him if he didn't ask right?

"You've never used _anything_ before?" He asked. He just _had _to ask me that right?

I cleared my throat but I still couldn't look at him. He looked visibly nervous now. _Here goes nothing, might as well bite the bullet_.

The second I opened my mouth to answer him we heard the twins start crying through the baby monitor

Had the little munchkins just saved my ass or ruined my night? I didn't know.

What I did know is that if we didn't settle them down now they would work each other up into such a frenzy that it would be hours before they slept again.

I decided to take the high road.

"I'll go change them and see what's wrong. Do you want to stay here?" I asked him.

He looked at me with a shocked expression on his face.

"Ah…no, I'll come with you" he hurriedly stated.

We both jumped out of the bed. I threw whatever PJs on that I could find since my shirt from earlier was MIA, and ran up the stairs. I didn't wait for Edward to get dressed, I knew he would follow as soon as he finished and I wanted to get to the twins as soon as I could. Ok, to be completely honest I was avoiding Edward as well. I didn't want to have the 'virgin' talk right then and distracting myself with Ethan and Hannah was the perfect excuse.

I walked into their room and picked up Ethan first. His little face was all pinched and tears were streaming down his face. Poor little guy. Then I grabbed Hannah with my other free arm. She didn't seem to be quite as upset as Ethan. I had a feeling she was doing the 'misery loves company' thing.

I kissed her cheek and she settled down quickly whereas Ethan was screaming full force into my ear.

"Shh, sweetie pie. I'm here. You're ok. What's wrong huh little man? Did you have a bad dream?" I cooed to him. All the while I rocked back and forth and from foot to foot with them both in my arms settled on my hips. Hannah's head had already dropped to my shoulder and she was sucking her thumb.

Then Edward finally entered the room with two bottles in his hand.

"I brought them just in case" he said.

"I smell something really bad, I think he just needs to be changed" I told him quietly. I didn't want to disturb Hannah now that she had settled down.

"Here let me do it" Edward offered.

"No, that's ok, just take Hannah, I'll take care of Ethan" I told him.

I changed Ethan who had a raging case of diarrhea poor guy. No wonder he was screaming. I would have been too. Then I took him back into my arms and cradled him to my chest and hummed a lullaby to him as I rocked him back and forth. Edward was sitting on the rocking chair with Hannah who was fast asleep already. It didn't take Ethan long. He was such a good baby. Soon his eyes were going half mast and then he was out. I kissed his little forehead and told him I loved him and put him in his crib. Edward came over and placed Hannah in her crib.

We stood over their cribs watching their sleeping faces for the longest time. I was afraid to leave their room. I didn't know what would happen and I didn't want to ruin this sweet moment we were having either.

"Stay here. I'll be right back" he said. He was only gone a few minutes.

I felt Edward's hand reach over to me and pull on my hand to leave.

"Come on," he said softly.

I followed him with my head down. He lead me down the stairs towards the kitchen and then again down the stairs to my room. Ok, well, this was a good sign. We were going back to my room at least.

"Come here," he said pulling me close to his body as we stood next to the bed.

He looked deep into my eyes for a minute before he lowered his head and kissed me again. I swiftly wrapped my arms around his neck once more and molded my body to his. I whimpered into his mouth. I wanted him so badly and I didn't know what to do with all these overwhelming physical feelings and needs that I was having. Would I always react to him this way? Could I ever react to any other man in the same way?

He stopped kissing me for a second to pull off my shirt and pull down my pants and I did the same for him. It was as if we both wanted to get back to the exact same point we had been at before the twins woke up. He lifted me up once we were both naked and placed me in the center of the bed. Then he laid down on top of me between my legs.

He kissed me deeply first before moving on to my cheek and down to my neck. I moved my head to the side to give him better access. I put both of my hands in his hair and played with his soft tresses. I heard him groan.

"Can I ask you something?" he said into my neck.

"Of course" I answered him in a dreamlike state.

"Why have you never used birth control? I mean, I'm not trying to lecture you, I just want to know" he asked. He started nuzzling my neck and kissing it up and down.

How was I supposed to form a coherent sentence when he did things like that?

Without thinking, I whispered, "I, ah, I… I've never done it before." As soon as the words left my mouth I flushed a deep red and felt him freeze over me. He slowly raised his head up and looked at me. I could see him swallow heavily and then he said, "What did you say?"

I covered my face with both hands. I was mortified. I knew I probably should have told him earlier but I also knew that Edward was a good and kind man. He would never have started this whole thing tonight if he knew I was a virgin. I didn't know how I knew that but I did. And I didn't regret this, I wasn't _going _to regret this. I wanted him and I needed to find a way to convince him that it was ok.

"Bella" he said softly.

No. No I refused to look at him. I couldn't take seeing the disappointment and regret in his face. I only wanted to see the passion that I had seen there just moments ago.

"Bella, we need to talk," he said a little louder.

I sighed in frustration and lowered my hands. "Edward, no we really don't. I mean, I know it was surprising to hear that I'm a virgin but I know what I'm doing and I want to be with you. Can't we just leave it at that? I don't want to talk and analyze this. I just want to be with you." I felt tears welling up in my eyes. It was a combination of things really. A lot of embarrassment, some frustration and definitely fear. Fear that he would walk away now and I would never know what it was like to make love to the love of my life.

He just kept looking at me. I could see the conflict in his eyes.

I closed my eyes and felt my tears roll down the sides of my face into my hair.

"Edward, please don't do this, please don't stop," I said it like a prayer, never opening my eyes. If he decided to get up and walk away I didn't want to see it. It was a vision I knew I would never get over.

Silence.

All I could hear was our breathing.

Then I felt his hand touch my cheek, his thumb rubbing lightly over my cheekbone back and forth.

"Are you sure about this?" he asked. My eyes flew open and I saw a flicker of doubt in his eyes.

"Yeah, I'm sure. I don't think I've ever been more sure of anything" I told him. And I meant every word.

Then I reached up and began kissing him again. I devoured his mouth. He had the most amazing mouth and tongue, I literally believed I could sustain myself on just those two parts of his body forever. We kissed each other hungrily for a long time. It was the best make out session I had ever had. He returned every one of my kisses as passionately as I gave them.

Then Edward bent his head and starting sucking on my nipples again and at the same time he reached for my hand and placed it on his erection. I was a little startled at how hot and soft it was. Rigid and smooth. He closed his fingers around my hand that surrounded his cock and moved it up and down a little showing me how to touch him. I was glad that he had. I wanted to make sure that I could make him feel as good as he had made me feel earlier.

He buried his face in my neck and groaned.

"Am I doing it right?" I asked him.

"Oh god yes…" he groaned into my neck as he started kissing me there and all over my throat.

Then he guided his hand between my legs and started stroking me again. I was already dripping wet yet again. God the things this man did to my body.

"Christ, Bella, I want to be inside you" he told me.

The tone of his voice almost sent me into an orgasm all on its own.

"Ok" I said. I didn't know what to say to that. I wanted it too but I didn't know how to verbalize my feelings out loud. Sure I could tell him I wanted him but I didn't have any 'bed' vocabulary yet.

He reached over to the side of the bed and grabbed his pants. He pulled out a condom and ripped it open.

I looked at him curiously.

He grinned slightly. "I grabbed some when you were with the twins just before we came downstairs. I was hoping you hadn't changed your mind" he confessed to me.

"Oh" I said. He rolled the condom down his length and then repositioned himself above me.

"Are you ready" he asked me. He started softly kissing my neck again and then my lips.

"Yes, definitely" I told him.

He raised himself up on one elbow as he guided his cock to my entrance. He used the head to go up and down my slit getting it wet. With each pass he hit my clit and it made me hold my breath. It felt amazing.

Then he started pushing forward. It felt odd at first, not exactly painful just some pressure and the feeling that something was there that didn't belong there. He pushed forward slowly and that's when I felt the discomfort start. It was an aching feeling at first from all sides and then kind of a pinching feeling. It definitely didn't feel good. I grabbed on to his shoulders as he kept pushing forward slowly. Then he retreated a little and pushed forward again. Slowly back and forth. Back and forth.

When he would pull out a little I felt relief. Then he would go forward and I felt the pinching. He just kept doing that over and over.

I finally asked him, "Is it all the way in?" I just wanted the pinching feeling to stop. It wasn't overwhelmingly painful but it did hurt. I knew I had to get through it but I wanted to know if he had finally gotten it all in so I could start to relax.

"Baby, you need to relax. Every one of your muscles is rigid and tight. This will go easier if you try to relax. Try to breathe deeply" he told me.

"Ok, but is it all the way in or not? I just want to know" I asked again.

"No, it's not all the way. Almost but not quite. I don't want to go all the way till you relax" he said.

_Not all the way in? Jesus Mary and Joseph how much more could possibly fit_?

I tried to relax and breathed deep. He had stopped moving so that I could breathe easier. It did seem to relax me a bit more.

Once I felt more relaxed and he seemed to notice that, he started kissing me again. It was a wonderful way to distract me from the pain. And then he started to slowly move again, back and forth. The pinching was subsiding and though I wouldn't say it was totally enjoyable yet it was much better.

I noticed his breathing picked up and he seemed to want to go faster but was afraid he would hurt me.

"You can go faster if you want" I told him.

"Just a second. Not yet" he answered.

He dropped his forehead to mine and pushed forward one last time. Ok, if he wasn't all the way in by now he never would be. There was no more room I was sure!

"Ok, I'm all the way in now. How does that feel?" he asked.

He wasn't moving again. Just letting me adjust. It felt strange. A good strange. I liked it.

"I feel, strange. Full." I told him.

"Is that good or bad? Are you in pain?" he asked with concern in his voice.

"No, kinda achy I guess. But the pain is gone now." I told him truthfully.

"Ok beautiful. Here we go." He said and started kissing me again.

At first he started moving slowly again. Soon, he sped up and it felt really good. I felt tingly all over, all synapses firing all at once. Just the idea that part of Edward was inside of me and that he wanted me was more than enough to start my juices flowing again.

"Oh, God, Edward that feels so good" I told him.

His head was resting between my neck and my shoulder as he pistoned himself in and out of me faster and faster. I grabbed on to his ass and pulled him to me as much as I could. I hoped this feeling would never stop. It just felt so hot and overwhelming and sexy. God he felt good inside of me.

He started kissing me again and going even faster. Then he pulled away from me for a moment and looked into my eyes.

"Bella," he moaned and closed his eyes slamming himself into me once more and tensing his whole body. He rocked inside of me twice more briefly before collapsing on top of me. He groaned into my neck and kissed me there again.

He was breathing heavily from the force of his orgasm. I was breathing faster as well although I didn't have an orgasm. The feeling of having Edward inside of me was wonderful and I wasn't sure why I hadn't come as he had.

He raised his head to meet my eyes, "Are you ok?" he asked me.

"I'm more than ok," I whispered against his lips. "I'm great. And you?"

"I…I don't have words to describe how I feel at this moment actually. And in case you're wondering, that's a good thing" he said.

He was still breathing heavy. He pulled out of me, removed the condom and threw it into the trash. Then he pulled me to him resting my head against his chest.

He didn't say anything else.

I didn't say anything else.

We both fell asleep like that.

And for the first time in a long time I didn't dream of anything.

I was living my dream.

**A/N:**

**As usual, huge shout out to Lulabelle98 our wonderful beta. Parama…what would I do without you? Risk…you are a Godsend. Love you both!**

**To all the reviewers…you have no idea how much it means to hear from all of you. We so enjoy everything you write and love hearing what you have to say! There were quite a few that doubted that this moment would happen…just curious…was it worth the wait?**


	34. Chapter 33

Chapter 33 EPOV

Oh. My. God.

I just made love to Bella.

I just made love to Bella and she was laying in my arms. I could feel the light sweat on her back as she cuddled close to me with her head on my chest and shoulder. My arms held her tightly to me. I was afraid to let go.

I didn't know what to do now.

Should I talk to her about this?

Should I try to go to sleep?

Who was I kidding? I wouldn't be able to sleep _now_.

I had just made love to the woman I was secretly in love with and she had been a virgin. I was still grappling with my conscience over that one.

A virgin.

Shit.

In all honesty, it had been a turn on from the first moment to know that I would be her first lover. But I also realized that there would probably be some kind of fallout because of it. I mean, I loved Bella, but she didn't know that. I also knew that I wasn't ready to tell her that either. I was pretty certain that Bella didn't feel the same way though.

I had to face the facts.

Bella was much younger than me and had hardly any life experience. She was so young and innocent. The last thing she would want or need is to find out that a married, older guy was in love with her.

Clearly she wasn't the type to just sleep around. She was obviously attracted to me for some reason, but that didn't mean that she felt the same as I did, nor could I expect her to.

On top of all of that, we had just found out that Angela was dead. So now she had to deal with her _employer_ and his problems and the fact that his wife is dead. _Dead_.

Yeah, this wasn't the time to start talking about my feelings for her. How would I explain that I had lusted after her for months and now was in love with her, all while I had been married? How would that make her feel?

No, I couldn't do that. Bella was too kind hearted to deal with my bullshit.

_But we just had sex_.

Oh. My. God.

I was in shock. Still.

I wanted to say _something_ but I couldn't think of anything.

What I really wanted was to make love to her again, and again.

_Stop it_!

I opened my mouth to say something but then realized I could hear her breathing deeply. I looked down at her angelic face and saw she had fallen asleep. Well, I guessed that took care of saying something for the moment.

The baby monitor alerted me that the twins were beginning to fuss a little in their beds. I turned the monitor off.

I moved myself as silently as possible from underneath Bella and grabbed my pants. I tiptoed upstairs and into their room. It was Ethan. I rubbed his stomach lightly in circles hoping he would just fall back to sleep. He did. But just as he fell asleep Hannah started up.

I picked her up and sat in the rocking chair and rocked her to sleep again.

As I rocked back and forth, I tried not to think about what had just happened. Not because it hadn't been amazing… it was. Truth be told, it had been the most amazing sexual experience of my life.

_Why was that_?

I thought back to when Angela and I had first starting having sex and how exciting it had all been. Sex with Angela had always been good.

Sex with Bella had been mind blowing.

I thought that I had been in love with Angela, but I realized recently that I had never been truly _in love_ with her. I had always loved her, but it was more on a level of friendship. I respected her and liked her, and she was pretty. I was attracted to her. At the time, our ambition for our careers was the same. It had all fit. Since I had never been in love before, I thought that what I felt for Angela was it, and it was.

But it wasn't the kind of love I felt for Bella.

For Bella, I felt an all consuming love. Quite frankly, it was a passion that I had never experienced before.

The mind blowing sex was the perfect combination of my feelings for her, and the way our bodies had moved together… it was as if she had been made specifically for me.

After never having touched each other before, she knew exactly where to touch me and how to. And she had been a virgin! How does one explain that knowledge?

When we had gone upstairs to check on the kids, I had almost re-thought what we were doing. Looking at Ethan and Hannah made me think of Angela, and of course the guilt set in. She had been dead a mere few months and I was already about to get my rocks off.

But watching Bella with my children was the biggest turn on. I saw how she loved them, cared for them, and I wanted to make love to her _right there_. Of course I wouldn't have, even if the twins didn't know what was going on, but I wanted to.

So as she finished up in the twins' room, I had gone in to my bedroom and fetched some condoms. Angela and I had used them right after the twins were born and there were still some in my drawer.

I nearly changed my mind again once Bella told me she was a virgin.

I was shocked. I just hadn't expected that she would want to make love for her first time _with me_. Then she begged me not to stop. Truthfully, it hadn't taken much to convince me. I had wanted it as badly as she had.

It was wonderful, indescribable even.

I couldn't stop thinking about how warm and wet she had been for me. She was such a passionate young woman, I guess I could have expected that knowing as much about her as I did, but it still surprised me somehow. Once I realized she was a virgin, I guess I had expected her to be hesitant, shy even. But she hadn't been.

She was perfect.

The situation we were in was not.

I had no business touching her at all.

First of all she worked for me. How were we supposed to go back to the way things were after this? God knows I wanted more from her, but it wasn't the right time to be thinking about _more_. My wife had just died, and I was still dealing with the fact that I had emotionally cheated on her for the better part of two years. I was having difficulty facing each day without Angela. The entire guilt that I had harbored over my lack of support for her just before she died was eating me alive. I wasn't working because I couldn't face my patients after I had failed Angela so miserably. I was secretly getting drunk every night to avoid any kind of grief or responsibility.

How could I subject Bella to all of that?

Would she even want to be a part of my life? Just because we had made love didn't mean she was in love with me.

Could I really put myself out there and tell her how I felt?

I didn't think so. At least not yet.

I had already lost Angela. I couldn't scare off Bella too.

I had to handle this situation very carefully.

And my family! What would Emmett and Alice say if they found out about us? They would certainly think it was too soon and that it was inappropriate for me to make a move on Bella while she still worked for me. They would be right.

First I had to figure out my life before I could consider asking Bella to be a part of it, if she even wanted to be. She was barely twenty years old and being with me would make her an instant mother. Sure she loved my children as their caretaker, but would she want to step into the role of mother?

Let's face it, I was old enough to realize that this sort of thing came around once in a lifetime. If at all. I wanted nothing less than forever with Bella. I was quite certain that was the last thing on her mind at the age of twenty.

I had to be fair here. I was older and hopefully wiser. I wouldn't subject her to those kinds of expectations before she was ready, if she ever would be ready.

It was nice to dream about, but so far we hadn't talked about how we felt, and as I sat there in the rocking chair I realized I didn't know if we ever would.

Could it all have been simply a case of her being attracted to me and nothing more?

My mind continually went in circles over the possibilities.

Before I realized it, Hannah was deep asleep again.

I followed soon after.

BPOV

I had the most amazing dream.

Edward and I had made love and it was incredible. My longing for Edward being my first had manifested itself in my dreams, and it was better than I had imagined.

I opened my eyes to the sun pouring into the egress window of the basement. What time was it?

I looked over to my alarm clock; 10:51

10:51!

I looked over to the baby monitor.

It had been turned off. I didn't remember turning it off!

I started to get out of bed and realized that I was naked.

Holy shit, I was naked.

I thought back for just a second and realized it hadn't been a dream.

Oh, but it had been!

A dream too good to be true, but it was.

My cheeks flushed red at the thought of what happened the night before. I laid back in the bed and burrowed my face in the pillow. Edward.

It smelled like Edward.

A huge smile broke out on my face. I had made love to Edward, he had been my first. I could only hope he would be my last.

I knew I was being overly dramatic and romantic, but I truly felt that way. I had never had feelings for anyone like I did for Edward. My body had never reacted to anyone the way it had to Edward.

He had been patient and loving and sexy and… oh God! I had better get out of the bed if I ever hoped to salvage any part of the day.

Why had he left me here? Obviously the twins had woken up and he had turned off the monitor so I could sleep, but why hadn't he come back?

I didn't know what to think. I had never had a 'morning after' moment, so should I feel upset that he wasn't here?

I thought about it for a moment.

I finally got up and noticed right away that I was a bit sore between my legs. I guess that was to be expected.

I ran a hot shower and got in. It felt heavenly.

I thought of every kiss and caress that Edward had given me last night. I was still a little in shock that he had even wanted me at all, let alone made love to me. I had no illusions here. I knew Edward had loved Angela and was still grieving. I wasn't imagining a happily ever after moment today.

I wasn't going to go running to him and confess my love for him. No, it would shatter me to actually vocalize what I already knew in my heart; it was a onetime thing. If I was lucky, maybe two times? But certainly not long term, and certainly not for everyone's general knowledge.

Oh Lord, that would be the worst!

I couldn't imagine telling Alice. Or Emmett. God forbid Emmett with his teasing and carrying on. No, no, no. I didn't want to tell anyone.

Plus, how did that look?

The typical babysitter seduces the grieving father. I would look like such an ass. I couldn't explain to everyone that I had been in love with Edward since the beginning. I would be mortified.

They would think it was too soon, even if they had known I loved him, I had acted too soon after Angela's death.

Angela.

Again, Angela.

The guilty feelings took over me briefly.

What she must think of me now? I went after her husband when her grave wasn't even cold.

_No, stop it. You didn't plan it. It just happened_.

The question was now; where did I go from here?

Did I make light of it like it was no big deal?

Did I ignore it?

Did I try for a re-enactment?

Did I regret it?

No, I certainly didn't regret it.

Even if Edward were to throw me out, which I was pretty sure he wouldn't, I would never regret making love to him. It was the pinnacle of my existence. He was everything I had imagined and more.

I wanted him again.

I wanted him forever.

I got dressed but hesitated at the bottom of the stairs.

What was going to happen when I went upstairs? Was he home? Could I face him?

My face reddened again.

Well, I had to go up sometime, might as well rip it off like a band aid!

I ran up the stairs and stopped dead in the kitchen. Monica was at the stove preparing food and Edward was sitting at the table with Ethan and Hannah. Wait, what was Monica doing here…I thought she was on vacation?

"Morning," I quietly said.

Monica turned around.

"You mean good afternoon don't you Bella?" she smiled at me.

"Morning.." Edward looked at me briefly with a soft smile and then back at the twins quickly.

Hmmmm, so what does that mean?

"Well, technically I have fifteen minutes left until it's noon, so it's still morning," I told her.

"I see," she replied. "You must have had quite the exhausting evening for you to have slept so long."

At that moment, Edward starting choking on whatever he was drinking. Monica turned around and started slapping him lightly on the back.

"Are you ok?" she asked him.

He continued sputtering his drink and stood up to go to the sink and wipe his mouth off.

He cleared his throat twice and then responded, "Yeah, I'm ok. It just went down the wrong pipe."

I turned my head toward the living room and giggled silently. I bit down on my lip to stop myself from busting out laughing. Well, at least now I knew for sure he remembered everything.

"Are you hungry, Bella?" Monica asked.

"Starving actually," I told her.

"Well, I guess everyone around here has worked up an appetite today. You are all in luck because the chili is almost ready and there is enough here to feed a small army."

"Thanks Monica, you know how I love your chili," I told her. "Aren't you supposed to still be on vacation?"

"We came back early so I thought I would come over and make sure everything was ok," she answered.

I looked over at Edward who had sat down again and was finishing with the twins' lunch. He looked at me tentatively and then looked away again.

I couldn't read his expression at all. Was he glad to see me? Did he regret last night? I wanted to ask him, but with Monica in the house that clearly wasn't going to happen.

We all sat down and ate silently. The chili was amazing as usual and very spicy.

"Bella, can you watch the twins today? I was hoping to run over to the hospital for a while," Edward asked me.

"Sure, it looks gorgeous out. After their nap I'll take them to the playground," I told him.

"Great thanks," he responded. With that he stood up, kissed Ethan and Hannah, grabbed his car keys and headed out.

Wonderful.

I was still no closer to finding out what he was thinking. I guessed I would have to wait until he got home tonight.

I sat in Edward's chair and started cleaning up the twins.

I wished I knew what to do. I didn't have anyone to talk to about this. I couldn't talk to Alice, I couldn't talk to anyone. I would just have to hope that Edward came home early so we could talk.

I started feeling a pit forming in my stomach.

If Edward had _wanted _to talk to me he would have. He knew Monica left after lunch and yet he arranged to go to the hospital instead of staying behind. Was he avoiding me? Did he regret that he made love to me? Was he embarrassed? Embarrassed about sleeping with such a plain Jane like myself? Was he afraid because I was a virgin that I would want more from him?

Well, I did want more but _he_ didn't know that. He also didn't know that I would never tell him that I wanted more. I wouldn't put him under that kind of pressure when his wife had just died and his life was up in the air.

I needed to talk to him soon before I exploded. I would tell him that I didn't expect anything from him and that I wouldn't tell anyone what had happened.

Things would never be the same in this house for me anymore, but I knew the consequences and now I had to live with them.

And I would.

Hopefully.

**A/N:**

**This entire story would not exist without my partner in crime Parama. Love you honey! And special thanks to Lulabelle98 who is our amazing beta. Extra special thanks to all of our loyal fans. Your support means everything to us. We cleared 500 reviews this past week so thank you! To the new fans that have written..welcome on board and hope you enjoy the ride!**


	35. Chapter 34

Chapter 34 BPOV

It had been 24 hours since the last time I saw Edward. It had been nearly that long since we had spoken on the phone.

He called me when I was at the playground with the twins just after he had gone to the hospital. Apparently he spoke to his boss about going back to work, and while he was there, some kind of major emergency occurred so he jumped in to help. It looked like he would be needed all night. The call was brief and rushed and gave no opportunity for me to ask him if we could talk later.

I mean what was I supposed to do really? Say, "hey Edward, do you think you could pencil in some time to talk about you popping my cherry?" Get serious. It wasn't the time or the place. I also didn't want him to think I was freaking out like a teenager over the whole thing either, even though I sort of was. I didn't know what I expected him to say, but I did know that I couldn't just pretend it didn't happen. Nor did I want to.

So I would have to wait.

When I got up he still wasn't home, so I did my routine with the twins, talked to Monica about what needed done and what we needed in terms of groceries. The usual.

But everything was anything but usual, at least for me.

I barely slept last night, and when I finally did I dreamt of Edward. Again.

Don't get me wrong, I loved dreaming of him. But now that I knew what it was like to touch him, to kiss him, well… my dreams paled in comparison. If I thought I was in love with him before, let's just say I was bat shit for him now.

So I waited.

I heard the garage doors open and then he finally came through the door. I had just put the twins down for their nap. Monica had left about an hour before, so no one was home but the two of us.

I was in front of the dishwasher that I was emptying before he came in.

"Hi." He stood still and just looked at me.

"Hi," I said to him quietly, suddenly shy and insecure about what would happen next.

He cleared his throat and ran his hand through his hair.

"Sorry about staying at the hospital on such short notice. Um, when my boss said it was ok for me to come back, and the emergency happened, I couldn't just say 'no' and leave," he explained.

"Of course, I understand. Don't worry about it. We were all fine," I told him.

He walked slowly over to me until he was standing in front of me and looking down into my eyes. I still didn't know him well enough to recognize the look on his face. It seemed apologetic but held something else that I wasn't sure about.

"Are you ok?" he asked me.

"Yeah, I'm ok," I was quick to reply. "I mean, I was just emptying the dishwasher and I put the twins down for their nap. If you're hungry, there's still chili from yesterday, or I can make you a sandwich." I was blabbering and he smiled at me briefly. He looked so tired.

"No, I mean are you ok about what happened with us the other night?" he explained.

Of course that is what he was asking about. God, I am such an idiot.

"Oh, ah, yeah sure… I'm ok," I told him.

_No, I am not ok! I am not ok! IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou_!

"Are _you_ ok?" I asked. I couldn't start this conversation and I needed him to say something before I did.

"I'm ok," he said.

Great! We're both ok. But we're not, are we?

"Good. Um, you look really tired," I told him.

"I am. I really am. I'm not used to all nighters anymore, but I'm going to have to get used to them again since I'm going back. I start officially tomorrow morning but not till after Ethan and Hannah are up," he told me.

"That's good. That's good," I replied. Lord, could this conversation be any more banal?

"Ok then, I'm going to get a couple hours of sleep but I'll be up for dinner," he said, turning his body to leave.

"Ok." I said a bit quieter than I had before.

We were obviously not going to be talking about anything. I didn't have the guts to do it, and quite frankly I was afraid of what he would say. I looked down at my feet and felt tears well up in my eyes. I didn't know what to say or do.

"Bella?"

_Oh shit, he was still there_.

I thought he would have been halfway to the stairs by now.

I felt his hand touch my chin and pull it up to look into his eyes. My tears hadn't fallen but they were definitely welling in my eyes.

"I wanted to talk to you about everything that happened before but then I got stuck at the hospital. I still want to talk to you, but I'm really exhausted right now. Do you think it would be ok if we talked tonight after the twins go to bed?" he asked me softly.

I felt instant relief.

I cleared my throat before I replied, "Sure, of course. That would be great."

Before I had a chance to blink them back a single tear from each eye fell over my cheeks. I was so embarrassed. I didn't want Edward to see me cry, nor did I want him to misinterpret what they meant.

He reached his other hand up to my face, now both of his hands were on either side of my face and he brushed both tears away with his thumbs.

He continued to look into my eyes the whole time and I was mesmerized by the green in his. I was like a deer caught in the headlights, I couldn't look away.

He slowly lowered his face to mine and ever so lightly kissed me on the lips. Twice. Then he kissed me on the top of my nose and my forehead. I think it was the sweetest four kisses I had ever had.

Before he released my face he said softly, "We'll talk tonight."

He turned around and went upstairs.

I now had about five hours before dinner.

I didn't know what the result would be from our conversation, but I knew I wanted to look my best. I would have no time to prepare if I didn't get in the damn shower right the hell now. Once Ethan and Hannah were awake they would be up and running around till dinner and then bedtime. I would have no time later.

I rushed down to my room and got undressed and into the shower. I only had about 45 minutes before the twins would wake up. I wasn't going to get dressed up, but washing and doing my hair and putting on a little makeup didn't seem like a bad idea. I was so nervous all of a sudden.

He had been so sweet just now, surely that meant he didn't regret what we did, right? Being that sweet also didn't mean he was just going to kick me to the curb either…I think. So what _did_ it mean? I had no idea! Damnit, I wished I had someone to ask, someone to talk to.

I hurriedly showered and blow-dried my hair. I put on a little eyeliner, not much, mascara and some blush. I just didn't want to feel like death, which is how I felt with no sleep from the night before.

I heard Ethan and Hannah wake up over the baby monitor, so I rushed upstairs, changed their diapers, put their clothes on and brought them down to play. Honestly, these kids were the best medicine for anything that bothered me. They made me laugh and filled me with such joy. Sure they could be stressful at times, but mostly they were a blessing.

It was only 1:00 p.m. so I decided to just stay really busy with them until Edward got up. We played with their blocks and other toys. Ethan was starting to show his preference for little cars and he loved to throw them everywhere.

We had been playing for quite a while. I looked at the clock to see that it was now 1:13 p.m. Only thirteen minutes had gone by? God damn it, this was going to be a long ass afternoon.

I broke down and let them watch some Teletubbies just to make the time go by faster. We went for a long walk and stopped at the park. I needed to be back by 4:30 p.m. to put Monica's casserole in the oven for an hour and then it needed to cool. Dinner was usually around 6 p.m.

So that's what I did. I made a salad to go with dinner and then I cut up fresh veggies and cooked them for the twins. By 6 p.m. everything was ready.

But there was no Edward.

He really must have been exhausted. I debated with myself about waking him up. He usually set his own alarm. I had never had to wake him up before. But I also knew that if he didn't get up now he would be up all night which wasn't good as he had to work tomorrow. No, I would wake him up.

I would take a special alarm clock with me.

I knocked on his door softly but didn't get an answer.

I knocked louder.

"Yeah?" I heard a muffled grumble answer behind the door.

"Edward? It's six, dinner's ready," I told him.

"Ok."

"Are you decent?" I asked.

"Ah, yeah… why?"

"Can I open the door for a sec?" I asked him

"Sure," he answered.

I opened the door and brought in the twins. Edward was under his blanket on his back.

"Thought you might like some help waking up." I smirked at him.

Ethan and Hannah's arms were already pumping up and down like large birds, and they were both saying their own variations of "Da" and "Dada". Their faces were priceless, they were smiling so big. They adored Edward.

"Come here munchkins!" He held out his arms to guide them on to the bed next to him. He picked up each one in turn, kissed them and then blew kisses on their bellies. There was a lot of squealing and laughter.

I couldn't stop looking at the scene in front of me. Edward had what could only be described as bed-head. His hair an absolute mess, sticking out in every direction. But the look on his face as he played with his children was heartwarming. I felt the lump in my throat forming again. God, how I loved this man and his children. I couldn't help it.

I cleared my throat. "Ah, ok, I'll leave you guys to play for a few minutes, but don't be too long. Dinner is on the table."

I backed out of the room feeling a little like a third wheel. No matter how much I loved them all, they were not my family. Even if I wished that they were.

Just before I closed the door behind me I heard Edward say my name.

I opened the door slightly. "Yes?"

"Thanks for bringing them up here for me. That was really thoughtful," he said.

"Anytime."

It took twenty minutes for them to finally make it downstairs but I didn't care. It was just food. Food could be heated up. Precious moments like that were meant to be cherished.

Edward yawned a lot during dinner.

"Sorry," he kept saying. "I guess I got used to no longer having a schedule at the hospital. It'll probably take a bit before I get used to it again."

"I don't know how you do it anyway," I told him. "I love sleeping, and it's bad enough going on a few hours of sleep let alone 24 hours or more without it."

"It's tough sometimes, other times it's ok. You get used to it. So!" He clapped his hands together. "Bath time!"

The twins started laughing and screaming. They loved bath time with Edward. He just had a way of making it so special for them. I tried to do some of the things he did to try to make them laugh as much as they did with Edward. It never worked. I guess it was a 'daddy special'.

"Would you mind if I took over bath time tonight?" he asked me.

"Of course, Edward. You don't have to ask me that. They are your children." I smiled at him. "I'll get the dishes and clean up the kitchen while you do that."

"That would be great, thanks. If I don't see Monica, tell her she out did herself again with dinner. That was delicious. I don't know what it was but it tasted great." He rubbed his belly.

"I'll tell her."

"After I put the kids down I'm going to hop in the shower and then I'll be down. Do you have time to talk then?" he asked me.

"Yeah, that would be great."

I was sitting in the living room on the couch reading a book when he finally came down. It had taken well over an hour to bathe the twins and get them to bed. I think they were just overexcited to spend so much time with Edward after not seeing him for a day.

I could tell he had taken his shower since his hair was still wet. He had changed into loose fitting jeans and a t-shirt. He was also barefoot. Nothing like a sexy guy walking around in hot jeans and barefoot. Yummy.

He sunk heavily into the chair next to the couch and let out a loud whoosh of air. Then he rubbed his face up and down a few times.

Clearly he was still tired.

"Look, Edward, we don't have to talk now. You're obviously still tired and this can wait. I'm not going anywhere," I told him. I honestly meant that. Just the fact that he brought it up and wanted to talk on his own was enough for me.

For now.

"No, Bella. I'm not putting this off for another time. I think we need to talk and we need to do it now."

Oh shit.

**A/N:**

**Lulabelle98 is our amazing beta…thank you for all your hard work! Parama…what would I do without you? Thank you for all the amazing reviews! We so appreciate each and every one!**


	36. Chapter 35

Chapter 35 BPOV

My heart jumped into my throat. His tone was so serious. I mean, I didn't expect it to be joking or anything, but after those soft little kisses I guess I expected his tone to be a little _lighter_. The way that he said that we needed to talk now seemed to indicate that I wouldn't like what he had to say.

I think I even stopped breathing.

Edward leaned forward with his elbows on his knees and his hands clasped together. "Bella, I don't know how to start this. I mean, I still can't believe what happened between us and I don't really know what to say or do right now. The only thing I know for sure is that we need to talk about it somehow."

When he started talking he had been looking at his hands, but now he was looking right into my eyes. I still didn't know how to read him so I wasn't sure what I was seeing in their depths.

"I um, well, I don't know what to say either, Edward."

We continued looking at each other. It was beginning to feel uncomfortable.

I wanted to tell him that it had meant so much to me and that I didn't regret it. I wanted to hear him say that to me too.

But instead we sat there.

Just looking at each other.

I started fidgeting on the couch a little. I felt like I was on a damn hot seat.

The weird thing was that regardless of how uneasy I felt as we sat there, I still felt an indescribable pull toward him. Like a magnet really. I felt like his body was drawing me to him. I felt an urge to jump out of my seat and leap on to his lap. Of course I wouldn't, I would never have the guts to do that, not without knowing how he felt about me.

"So, you're ok with what happened? I mean, you're ok that it happened and that you can still stay here and take care of the twins after all that?"

Seriously?

Is he only concerned about me taking care of his children? Was that the reason he wanted to talk to me?

Ok, now I was _pissed_.

"_That_ is what you wanted to talk about? About me being able to perform my job after having slept with you? You know, Edward, I don't have a lot of experience with the 'morning after' since I've never had one, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't consist of waking up in bed alone. And I may not be very experienced and know how to voice my feelings to you about what happened, but I sure as shit wouldn't humiliate you by asking about your job and your ability to perform it in the face of sleeping with me. Just forget it. Do me a favor and forget the whole thing ever happened. Obviously that's what you want anyway. As far as Ethan and Hannah go, I will be here for them like I always have been because they need me. As long as you want me to stay for them, and as long as they need me, I will be here!"

I rocketed off the couch and stormed out, intending to go to my room. I needed to get out of this house _now_. I didn't want to cry and I didn't want him to see me this upset. Then he would know how much it had meant to me. I wouldn't give him that power. Ever.

I ran down the stairs and grabbed the car keys and my purse. I could feel the lump building in my throat and the tears threatening to spill. I was devastated. How could I have been such an idiot? I was nothing to Edward, just a distraction from his grief. When all was said and done, I was nothing more than an employee to him.

I had no one to blame but myself of course. I knew what I was doing. I knew he was sick with grief and vulnerable. Hadn't I thought at the time that I didn't want to think about what I was doing? That just being with him that way was enough? That was so naïve of me. One time would never be enough with Edward, I saw that now. I was in way over my head and I had no idea what I was going to do now.

I ran back up the stairs toward the garage door and collided with Edward's chest.

"Get out of my way, Edward!"

He reached out and grabbed me by my upper arms.

"Bella, wait. Please!"

"Why? You asked me what you wanted and I answered you. There's nothing more to say!"

I couldn't even look up into his eyes. I was ashamed and embarrassed and I just wanted to get out of that house.

He continued holding on to my arms.

"Please let go of me," I said.

He didn't say anything.

He didn't let go.

I looked up at him wondering why he wouldn't get out of my way.

He was looking at me with a sort of desperate expression on his face. His lips were slightly parted and I could see that he wanted to say something but he just stood there staring at me. His eyes traveled from my eyes to my mouth back and forth. If I didn't know better I would have thought he was thinking about kissing me.

"No," he said.

"No?" I repeated.

He shook his head slowly. "No."

He pulled me to him before I had a chance to react and slammed his lips to mine. It was a hard and forceful kiss that left me light-headed. He opened his mouth immediately and dipped his tongue into mine. Oh God, those lips! I felt that kiss _everywhere_; from my head to my toes and back again, like an electrical current just going on and on. I answered his kiss with everything I had, everything I couldn't say. I was desperate for him, I wanted him so badly. I couldn't deny the effect he had over me.

His hands left my arms and wrapped around my body so there was no space between us. I could feel every inch of his hard body as his lips worked me over. He slanted his head to the other side and continued kissing me deeply. I heard myself whimper. It was an involuntary reaction to the desire coursing through my body.

I don't know how long the kiss lasted. It seemed to go on forever and I didn't want it to stop. Not ever. I felt him easing up, backing down the deep kisses with softer ones, until he stopped completely. He leaned his forehead against mine and our noses continued to touch.

"No," he said again softly.

We were both breathing heavily now. I could smell his sweet breath against my face and all I could think was that I had died and gone to Heaven.

I held on to his arms that were still wrapped around me. I didn't want the moment to stop.

That kiss didn't change anything, did it? The only thing it did for me besides lighting my body on fire was to remind me why I had risked everything by making love to him. It reminded me of how much I loved him. It also reminded me that it had been a mistake.

Again, I didn't know what to say. Why had he kissed me like that? Why now?

I felt him moving me backwards until my back was up against the wall and his whole body leaned into mine.

"Edward, I-"

"Shut up, Bella."

And then he kissed me again.

EPOV

From the moment Bella jumped up from the couch and ran downstairs, I started to panic.

How could I be such a complete fucking idiot? I wanted to say so many things to her but I didn't know how without scaring her away. I was also concerned that she might feel uncomfortable enough that she would have to leave, so I asked her a question under the guise of my concern for the twins.

Who was I kidding? My children were always at the forefront of my mind, until now. Now, I was afraid that Bella would leave, leave me- leave us. Of course I was concerned that it would affect the children, but that was not what I was thinking when I sat down to talk to Bella tonight.

I wanted to say so much more, but I couldn't. I didn't know what to say any more than she did. I didn't know how she felt or how she wanted to proceed after that amazing night.

For all I knew it was a one-time thing.

No, that's not true. I may not know Bella as well as I wanted to but I knew she wasn't the kind of person to just jump into bed with me, or anyone else just for the hell of it.

I had been her first and I was sure that meant something to her, but just how much? What did she expect from me? I had wanted and dreamt of her for so long. The reality of being with her had been more than I could even have imagined, but she didn't know that. I couldn't tell her _that_. It was too much and she was so young. She had her whole life ahead of her. I was just a blip on her screen of life.

I also couldn't forget Angela. I had never intended on sleeping with Bella one time let alone have some kind of affair. My wife had been dead for a few short months and already I had betrayed her memory. Hell, I had betrayed her long before that though it wasn't physical.

My problem remained.

I had just voiced a highly insensitive question to Bella and she reacted accordingly. I couldn't just let her walk away thinking that what had happened meant nothing to me. Nor could I let her think that I was only interested in whether or not she would stay for the twins.

What _could_ I tell her?

Certainly not that I was in love with her.

I was at a loss. I didn't know what I was going to say but I had to do _something_.

I heard her running up the stairs and walked over to where she would be. She rounded the corner and ran right into me. I noticed she had her keys and her purse in her hands.

Her face was flushed and she wouldn't look at me.

"Get out of my way, Edward!"

I grabbed her arms to steady her and to keep her from walking away from me again.

"Bella, wait. Please!" She was so upset and I chastised myself again for being such an ass.

"Why? You asked me what you wanted and I answered you. There's nothing more to say!"

I wanted her to look me in the eyes but she kept looking at my chest instead. My God, what had I done?

"Please let go of me," she said.

I couldn't. I had to fix this somehow and I couldn't just let her leave with so many things left unspoken between us. All I could do was hold on to her and look at the top of her head wishing her to look up at me.

After a few moments she finally did raise her head and she looked directly into my eyes. I could see all the hurt that she felt and I ached with shame for making her feel that way.

Her beautiful mouth was slightly parted with her increased breathing. I was mesmerized once again. I kept looking between her mouth and her gorgeous expressive eyes and kept thinking how badly I wanted to kiss the hurt away. I knew that I probably shouldn't, we needed to talk after all.

But I wanted to.

Before I realized what I was doing the word had already left my mouth.

"No."

"No?" she asked me.

I shook my head and said it again, "No."

I wouldn't let her go, not now. Maybe I would have to later but not now. Instinctively I pulled her to me before she could say anything else and ravaged her mouth. God, she had the most amazing mouth and I wanted to taste every part of it.

I plunged my tongue into her now welcoming cavern with all the feeling I could muster. It was a silent plea for her not to go, not to leave me. I tried to show her with my actions that she would always be anything but the caregiver for my children. She was the caregiver of my soul. She may not know it but she was.

She was everything.

I wrapped my arms around her, enveloping her with all the deep emotions I couldn't express and didn't dare to. I didn't want to let her go. Ever.

As the kiss became more frantic for both of us I felt her whimper into my mouth, just like she had done the night we shared together. It made me weak in the knees to hear it. My body reacted in kind, becoming unbearably hard and ready for her.

_Mine!_

No, I wouldn't let her go. I would have to find a way to keep her. I didn't know how and I didn't know when, but somehow I had to find a way. I wasn't ready to bare my soul and feelings to her; I was too raw with grief and guilt. I knew only that at this moment I wouldn't let her go.

I slowed down our kiss gradually and then rested my forehead on hers nuzzling our noses together gently.

"No," I told her again.

I backed her up against the wall holding on to her tightly the whole time. I wanted her. I had never wanted anything so badly. She would probably break my heart some day but God help me I wanted her. I rested my body up against her.

"Edward, I-"

"Shut up, Bella."

Then I began kissing her, not quite as forcefully as before, but still with an unspoken passion that had always been there between us. I felt her hands in my hair and it was glorious. She wanted me too, for how long I didn't know, but I would take it. I would take anything she had for me for however long or short a time that would be.

I reluctantly broke off the kiss again. I had to say something.

"I want you, Bella. I don't know how this all happened or why, I only know I want you. I can't make you any promises or tell you what it all means, but I do know that I've never wanted anyone the way that I want you right now."

She looked at me with a curious expression on her face. I wished that I knew her better so I could figure out what she was thinking. I started to get nervous. Was this not what she wanted? Maybe what I had said to her earlier had just upset her but for a different reason. Had I read it all wrong?

I backed my body away from her slightly. "But, you know, if this isn't what you want-" I started.

"Shut up, Edward."

Then she jumped back into my arms and kissed me.

**A/N:**

**We want to welcome all of our new readers to the story with a special thanks to a few that reviewed every single chapter while reading it this week. Amazing and thank you! To the loyal fanbase of ATR..you guys rock and we love hearing from you each week!**

**As always, my stunning partner Parama…luv u and couldn't do this or function lately without you there to back me up. You are a gift and I am grateful.**

**Lulabelle98 is our wonderful beta. She puts up with all my ridiculous grammatical errors and never complains. Thank you dear.**


	37. Chapter 36

Chapter 36 BPOV

He wanted me.

Edward said he wanted me and I was elated.

We were in my bed again, naked and kissing. After I got over my shock, I had attacked him like he was the last man on Earth. Well, he was, for me anyway.

We started tearing off each other's clothes on our way down the basement stairs and ended up in my bed.

I knew I was inexperienced at this sort of thing, but the way that Edward was kissing me was almost like he was trying to tell me something. His kisses were even more expressive than they were the first time we were together. Neither one of us could get enough of the other. We hardly came up for air. It was frantic and wild and _amazing_.

He knew just how to touch me to drive me insane with desire. I was almost embarrassed at how wet I was when he touched me _down there_. My body actually ached from the want of him.

The first time we made love we kissed a lot. This time it seemed that was most of what we were doing. The only time he broke our kiss was to move down to my neck or my breasts. Maybe he had already figured out that those were my two biggest erogenous zones. He was slowly driving me insane.

I guess that explained why I was so wet!

As well as he knew my body, Edward's was still a mystery to me. I wanted to know how to drive him crazy like he was doing to me but I didn't know how to go about doing that.

He played me like a finely tuned instrument, plucking every conceivable sound out of me. Dear God, if anyone were listening in on us I was sure that I sounded like one of those girls in a porno movie! It was kind of embarrassing really.

Currently, he was sucking on one of my nipples and pinching the other. Lord, did I love that. I wished that I could just lay here with him forever. Food, water? They had nothing on Edward. He was every delectable meal rolled into one.

He moved down my body slowly tickling my sides a little and spreading my legs as he moved in between them and continued his descent. Oh God, he wasn't going to…?

Holy shit, I didn't think I was ready for _that_!

"God, you are so beautiful," he said.

"Um, Edward?" I squeaked out breathlessly.

He looked up at me with those piercing green eyes. "Yeah?"

"Ah, well… um, what are you doing?" I asked him. God, I felt like such an idiot.

He smirked a little at me, and with a small grin he asked me, "What do you think I'm doing?"

Oh, he was enjoying this a little too much I'd say. He _knew _I probably had never done this and now he was teasing me!

"Well, unless you have changed your specialty in medicine to gynecology, I'm not sure _what_ you're doing or I wouldn't have asked!" I retorted.

"Come on baby, I'm sure you have _some_ idea of what I'm doing down here…" He gave me one of the most devilish grins I had ever seen before he bowed his head and licked me _down there_. I don't usually feel comfortable calling that _area_ by the usual names I have heard. I usually referred to it as my cookie, but at that very moment, with Edward's mouth on me, I couldn't even think of that word.

My back arched off the bed in pure ecstasy. W O W

Now I knew what all my friends had been talking about when they whispered about their boyfriends going down on them. It felt amazing. Before I realized what I was doing, I had reached down and buried my hands in Edward's hair urging him on. His tongue quickly found my clit and started making circling motions. Then I felt Edward stick his finger inside of me at the same time.

"Oh my God!" I gasped. He was taking my breath away and I was helpless to stop it.

He continued his ministrations on my _cookie_, eventually adding another finger and aiding the onslaught of my orgasm. It rocked through me; my entire body shook with the force of it.

I was still in awe of how this man could affect me body and soul.

He slowly started kissing up my torso and gave each of my breasts a bit more attention. Then finally he was up to my level again where I kissed him with total abandonment. I could taste myself on his mouth and strangely enough it didn't bother me. I didn't particularly like it but it wasn't abhorrent. The thought, however, that he had just been between my legs and that that was the source of the taste turned me on.

"I want to do that too," I told him.

He looked at me curiously. "You want to go down on yourself?" he asked and then started to laugh softly.

"No!" I smacked him on his chest. "I want do to that to you too."

The smile left his face as he audibly swallowed. "Are you sure? You don't have to."

"Yes I'm sure. It's just that, well… I've never done it before, but I want to do that to you."

He looked deeply into my eyes and then he kissed my nose.

"God, you are irresistible, did you know that?" Then he started to kiss me in earnest this time as he rolled me over on top of him.

Both of his hands were holding my face while he kissed me senseless once again. Then he reached for my hand and guided it to him. What surprised me the most was how silky soft he was and that any movement I made at all made him groan. His hand remained over mine, guiding it up and down and showing me how much pressure to apply. Soon I was doing it without his assistance, and the sounds he made became even louder.

"Am I doing it right?" I asked hesitantly. I was so afraid I was doing something wrong. Edward just knew how to touch me and I, well I didn't know what the hell I was doing.

He groaned again on a down stroke. "Oh Jesus, yes… it feels so good!"

I smiled a little then. I guess I wasn't so bad after all, but I wanted more.

I snaked down his body so that my mouth was directly over my hand. Hmmm… where to start?

At first, I watched my own hand work its magic on him and then I reached out my tongue and licked the tip. Edward's response was immediate as he bucked his hips off the bed and groaned once more.

Well, that was a good sign.

I gently put the head in my mouth and rolled my tongue over it. This time Edward's hips didn't buck up, but I felt his hand reach into the back of my hair and start to massage me gently, urging me on with his unspoken words. I was so happy that whatever I was doing was working. I started licking him everywhere, up and down his shaft and around the head, over and over. Then I decided to see how far I could get him into my mouth.

This was the part that had me really nervous. My friends and I had watched porn before. I was only imitating what I had seen in a movie. I had also seen many of those girls gag while performing this particular act, and I didn't want that to happen to me. This was the source of my real nervousness.

So I went slow, inch by inch, a little more each time, up and down using my one hand to hold the base of his cock while I moved my mouth and tongue. Once I started really getting in to it and I could hear and feel Edward's positive feedback, I started to feel more confident. I loved doing this to him. He seemed to be completely undone and I was the one undoing him.

All of a sudden he stopped my ministrations. "Baby, as wonderful as that feels, you gotta stop or I'm gonna cum!"

Would that have been a bad thing?

He pulled me up to him again and kissed me.

"Are you sure that was your first time?" he asked me with a big smile on his face.

I returned his smile and turned beet red. I was proud of myself but also a little embarrassed to be talking about this with him. "Ah, yeah."

He kissed me again softly. "You are so adorable sometimes."

Then he rolled over on top of me again, sliding his body easily between my legs. He started kissing my neck again over and over… what an amazing feeling. Then he tore open a condom, put it on and immediately began sinking into me.

The first moments that I felt him enter me were indescribable. It was like all of my nerve endings were on alert and I could feel every sensation throughout my body. We both groaned at the same time from the perfect feeling of his entry.

"Are you ok?" he asked.

"I'm perfect," I responded. "Are you?"

"Never better," he replied softly. He leaned down and kissed me again while he started to move inside of me.

Nothing could ever feel better than this, this right here between us. I had never felt anything so right before. I felt tears well in my eyes. I was overwhelmed with feelings, both physical and emotional. I was on overload and my body knew it.

I could hear us both breathing heavily as Edward picked up his pace. He lifted both of my legs and put them over his shoulders holding them in place while he thrusted faster into me. Holy shit! Wow. I guess I hadn't really thought about other positions yet. This one felt great too. As long as I was connected to him somehow I didn't care what position we were in.

The look on his face was priceless. He was concentrating so much. Most of the time he was looking right at me, but at this moment just before he was falling apart, his eyes were closed and his forehead was bunched in a bit of a frown. He was so cute and definitely very sexy.

I heard his breathing spike and then he started making little groaning noises again, all the while moving faster and faster.

"Oh God, I'm gonna cum baby! Cum with me," he said.

Come with him? I didn't know how and definitely wasn't there yet, but I wanted him to.

And he did moments later, collapsing on top of me as he released my legs and they fell to the side.

We were both breathing heavily while entwined together. I was loathe to let him out of my arms. My muscles felt weak and rubbery and I was mentally exhausted.

The last thing I remember was feeling Edward kissing my neck, and then I felt nothing.

When I woke up it was still early. Edward was lying next to me deep in sleep. His gorgeous hair was a wild mess all around his face and his mouth… oh his mouth! One of his arms was still wrapped around me. It was the best waking up moment of my life.

I tried to stay as still as possible to hold on to the fleeting quiet moment as long as possible. No babies. No conversations. No misunderstandings. No grief. Just us.

I stared at his perfectly sculpted face. Damn him! No man had the right to be so beautiful, so _flawless_.

I raised my hand and lightly brushed some hair away from his face so I could stare at him uninhibited. I snuggled in closer to his body and breathed in deeply. God, I wished I could bottle his scent and carry it around with me all day. It was better than puppy breath.

I couldn't tear my eyes away from his face. He looked so peaceful and angelic. I could see the pulse point on his neck and it called to me like a beacon. I couldn't help myself. This man was better than chocolate! I had to taste him briefly.

I bent my neck slightly towards his and kissed him very lightly on that pulse point… and though I had only intended on lightly kissing him, my tongue had a different idea. It snaked out and licked him too!

Well… can you blame me?

Edward definitely felt that because he started to squirm a little and adjust his body to the side to face mine. He peeked one eye open at me.

"Morning," he croaked out.

"Good morning," I responded.

"What time is it?" he asked.

"I think about 5:15," I told him.

"I dreamed of you," he replied sleepily.

_He what?_

"Really?" I asked skeptically. "What did you dream about?"

"Why don't I show you?" Then he rolled over on top of me and made the best morning of my life perfect.

**A/N:**

**First off, many apologies for the day late posting last week…we've never been late so far and it was my fault. I had out of town guests and lost track of what day it was! So sorry! **

**Special thanks to our beta Lulabelle98. Birthday shout out to Risk11111…Happy Birthday again dear!**

**Rec: We both fell in love with Inside Man by ooza, take a look…it's a quick read and quite good!**

**Lastly, the most often asked question is how long will this story be. I believe we addressed this before but will do so again now. We don't know. Though we have written ahead it is still not finished and I know everyone is nervous about the prologue. We hope you won't give up on ATR just because we don't know how long it will be. Thank you for being such big and loyal fans to the story! We so appreciate all of you.**


	38. Chapter 37

Chapter 37 BPOV

In the course of a few days, my life had changed dramatically. For the last few months I had floated through my life helping the Cullens with the death of Angela and attempting to help Ethan and Hannah as best I could with the loss of their mother.

But now?

Now I felt as if the meaning of life and creation had just been given to me. I was soaring, walking on a cloud every day with the knowledge that Edward and I were together. Well, ok, to be honest we weren't _together,_ but we were sleeping together. Of course, we weren't really sleeping much… oh just forget it! You know what I mean!

We actually did sleep too… together I mean, but we were very careful that no one would find us that way. We hadn't talked about it in depth too much. I was the one who had brought it up.

It was a few days after we had first made love and we were lying in bed kissing once again. Naked.

"Um, Edward can I ask you something?"

"Anything," he said while kissing my neck.

"I don't know how to ask you this without it sounding just awful, so please hear me out ok?"

He stopped kissing my neck, sensing the seriousness of the coming conversation. He pulled back slightly so he could look into my eyes. "Ok."

"Is it ok if we just keep this… whatever this is between us… well, between us? And not tell anyone? I mean, I guess I'm not ready to talk about this with anyone, and I don't want to answer a lot of questions or have to deal with people looking at us… at least not yet. Do you know what I mean?"

I was already frustrated. I wanted nothing more than to shout out to the world how I felt for Edward Cullen. However, with Angela dead for a mere few months, me being the nanny to their children, not knowing how Edward really felt about me, and my age, I just didn't want to deal with anything other than spending any and all of my free time with Edward.

At the moment, Edward was looking at me with a perplexed look on his face.

"Really?" he asked.

"Well yeah… right now I look like that stereotypical young nanny who seduced the sexy father, and I just don't want to deal with that."

"Uh huh, so you think I'm sexy?" he asked me as he wiggled his eyebrows up and down.

"Obviously!" I told him as I rolled my eyes. The look on his face was priceless and made me giggle. "I mean for an _older_ guy…"

Edward immediately rolled over on top of me and started tickling me.

"Older guy, huh? So how are you going to get away from this older guy?"

He mercilessly continued tickling me until I told him if he didn't stop I would pee the bed. Once he stopped we both stayed in the same position, breathing hard and looking into each other's face. We were both still slightly smiling.

"So, you're ok with keeping this under wraps for now?" he asked me.

"Yea, are you?"

"Honestly, I'm a bit relieved. I mean, I don't like it but I agree with you. I think that should include Ethan and Hannah for now. I don't want to confuse them," he said.

I nodded my head. I agreed with him. There was no need to confuse the twins.

"Speaking of under wraps…" He pulled the covers over his head and started kissing his way down my body.

I went to see the doctor the week after Edward and I started having sex. I wanted to make sure I was protected and I didn't want to have to always use condoms. Alice told me once that she had gotten some kind of shot that worked for three months at a time. That was what I wanted.

Edward and I hadn't talked about it, and quite frankly I didn't see the need to. Once I got the shot I intended on telling him and it was my body so it was my decision.

The hardest part about what we were doing was keeping it hidden from everyone else. We had spoken of keeping it 'under wraps' one time, but we didn't talk about it anymore after that. In fact, we didn't talk about anything serious really. Edward's schedule was such that we hardly saw each other. When he did have free time, he spent as much of it as he could with Ethan and Hannah. Luckily, I didn't mind sharing him with the twins, so much of that time we were together.

Finding time to spend in bed was a little more challenging. Sometimes he only had time during the day and usually someone was at the house with us so we couldn't do anything about it. When we were lucky enough to find some time after the twins were in bed, and when no one else was home, it was Edward who usually initiated it. I still felt too shy about our sexual relationship to just go after him. I didn't have to worry about that though because Edward was insatiable when we were alone.

And I felt the same way. I was just too inhibited to display it as openly as he did.

We did talk about a lot of other things in bed though. Our childhoods, school, family, friends, movies, books… the list was endless. We never talked about us. We never talked about Angela. We never talked about our feelings for each other. It seemed to be an unspoken rule that we would avoid these subjects at all costs. I would have liked to talk about our feelings for one another, but just as I was too shy to talk about our sex life I was also too afraid to talk about our feelings. I knew what mine were but I wasn't sure about Edward. He was so amorous with me that I wasn't sure if perhaps the majority of his feelings for me were of a sexual nature. I mean, I knew he cared for me, but whether or not his feelings ran deeper than that… well, I couldn't be sure. He certainly was very passionate with me. I knew from my friends though that that didn't necessarily mean that he loved me. I swore to myself that I would not be the first one to admit that I was in love. If Edward were to tire of me, I didn't want him to have that power over me. I wasn't ready to take that leap of faith for him or anyone else.

I was making my bed, changing the sheets to be exact, when suddenly I felt two hands grab my waist and lift me up. I screamed.

"Hey! It's just me." The velvety voice that belonged to Edward soothed me instantly.

"Edward! God, don't do that! You scared the living shit out of me!" My heart was still pounding but I couldn't be cross with him. He had such a carefree boyish look on his face that it warmed my insides and made me smile instantly.

"I'm sorry. I just got home and since the twins were sleeping I thought I'd see if you were still up. And I see that you are, so I thought maybe we could do a little _Dirty Dancing_ if you aren't too tired."

Very funny, he was referring to my recent confession that that movie was one of my all time favorite guilty pleasures.

"Now Edward, you know I don't dance…"

"Hmmm, well, if memory serves you do a mean horizontal mambo." He chuckled as he aligned his body with mine and swayed back and forth slowly.

"Oh gee, you are just soooo funny. I see you had a good day," I told him.

"Actually it wasn't anything special. At least, not until I just got home and saw you bent over the bed. I'd say things are looking up."

Being propositioned by Edward was unlike anything I had ever experienced. When guys had made lewd suggestions to me in the past I always found them hokey or cliché. But when Edward said them, they always incited my body with feelings of lust. I wondered if he knew how much control he had over my body and my mind.

"Well, in that case Mr. Cullen, perhaps you could show me what you were imagining when you saw me bent over? I'd love to know what was going on in your mind just a moment ago," I suggested playfully.

He stared into my eyes and then slowly bent his head to capture my lips giving me a deep and ardent kiss. He always left me breathless from his kisses and this evening was no exception.

"I want you," he said softly.

"I want you too." I didn't hesitate. I wanted him to know that although I never started anything I would always match him kiss for kiss.

He turned me slowly in his arms so that my back was to his chest. His hands were on either side of my waist and held me tightly. His lips were burning a path down my neck as he whispered to me.

"You want to know what I was thinking when I saw you bent over? I was thinking how much I wanted you against me like this, and how I wanted to kiss you until you couldn't breathe anymore. And then I wanted to bend you over the bed and take you from behind." He continued his assault on my neck and shoulders. "That, my sweet Bella, was what I was thinking. Are you game for that?" Right at that moment, he started sucking on my earlobe.

Oh sweet Lord, seriously? Was I game? Was he kidding?

"As long as you're here with me Edward, I'm game for _anything,_" I told him. And I meant it.

I reached up with both hands to grasp at his neck and hair. He continued caressing me while he held me and kissed my neck. I was in heaven. There was no better place on Earth than to be right here, with him.

He reached down and pulled my shirt off my body. Then he made quick work of my bra and threw it to the floor. He cupped both of my breasts in his hands and started pinching my nipples, elongating them. I was a bundle of need and started moaning with desire. My breath was hitching and I could see my own chest rising rapidly.

Edward then reached one hand down into my yoga pants, dipping into my wetness and rubbing me.

"Oh God, please don't stop!" I exclaimed breathlessly.

My eyes were shut tightly, and all I could do was react to what he was doing to my body. Never had I felt such passion for a man. Never.

I would have done anything for him at that moment.

"God baby, you're so wet for me," he told me with wonder.

He turned my head toward him and kissed me deeply. I couldn't help but moan into the kiss. I was out of control and he knew it.

I could feel his hard cock pressing up into my ass and I ground myself backwards into it. He continued with his amazing ministrations to my body and then slowly he lowered my pants and pulled them from my body.

He gave me one more deep kiss and then said, "Bend over baby. I can't wait anymore, I have to have you right now."

Oh God!

I did as he asked, more than a little embarrassed at what I must look like bent over the bed. My desire for him trumped all other feelings, including my shame, so I concentrated on how he made me feel and not what I must have looked like.

"Oh shit, just give me a sec baby, I left the new box of condoms upstairs. I'll be right back."

"No, it's ok. I got that shot from the doctor… I'm protected for three months so we don't need the condoms anymore," I told him.

"Seriously?" he asked.

"Yes, of course. Why would I make that up?" I snapped. Why was he questioning me?

"No, I'm just surprised that you didn't tell me before. That's great. I mean, that's really great!"

He bent down and kissed me deeply again.

"No more condoms?" he asked gleefully.

I smiled up at him and his reaction. "No more condoms," I repeated.

"Holy shit," he muttered to himself. "This night just keeps getting better and better."

"You know this night would get _even_ better if I could feel you inside me _right now,_" I growled at him.

He stared at me in surprise and then lined himself up with my center behind me.

"Your wish is my command, my lady," he growled back, and then he plunged himself into my aching core.

I inhaled sharply at the unexpected movement and then exhaled in relief at the amazing feeling of having him so deeply inside my body. God, this felt so good; deeper than ever before. I felt like my body was on fire.

He pistoned himself into me over and over again as I groaned out in pleasure. After a short while, he bent over my back and started kissing me deeply once more. His hands reached for my breasts and began squeezing them rhythmically and played with my nipples again.

For the first time since we had started having sex, I could feel the pull of an orgasm starting at the pit of my stomach. I had never had an orgasm during sex and I wondered if this could be the start of one.

He slowly let go of my nipples and reached a hand in front of me between my legs and started circling my clit over and over again. I sucked in my breath at the feeling and felt the pull in my stomach expanding stronger and stronger.

"Oh God, please don't stop. Don't stop," I whispered.

He didn't.

All of the sensations were coming together in my body; the feel of him pushing hard in and out of me and his fingers circling and circling… there!

I felt my whole body come alive and come crashing down around me as I yelled out with the force of my orgasm. My arms collapsed and the front half of my body sank on the bed in exhaustion as he continued ramming himself into me. It was the most amazing moment out of my few sexual experiences.

I heard his breathing increase, and then I felt his body stiffen with a last deep thrust followed by two smaller ones as his body bent over mine. His two strong arms wrapped around my waist as he kissed the back of my neck and shoulders softly.

"God, Bella. That was… that was so hot. You're just… I don't even have words," he said softly.

I couldn't open my eyes but I felt the soft smile on my own lips. _So this is what it was like_!

We stayed in that position for a minute and then he pulled out of me slowly. I felt myself whimper at the sense of loss.

He rolled us to our sides and continued embracing me from behind.

I opened my eyes and looked over my shoulder at him.

"So that is what you were thinking, huh?" I asked him lazily.

"Yeah, something like that." He grinned back at me and then kissed me again.

"Please feel free to keep thinking like that in the future, ok?" We both started laughing.

"Anybody home?" Holy shit! Emmett! What was Emmett doing in the house at this time of night?

Edward jumped up from the bed and threw his clothes on.

"Just stay here," he whispered.

"Oh my God, what are you going to do?" I looked at him panic stricken.

"I don't know, I'll think of something. Just stay here." He bent down quickly and gave me a peck on the lips.

I hurriedly dressed and stayed at the bottom of the stairs while Edward ran up them, taking them two at a time.

"Emmett! What are you doing here?" I heard Edward ask.

"I was having a drink down at the corner. When I drove by your house, I saw lights on I thought I would stop by. I didn't want to ring the doorbell and wake the twins, so I knocked but no one answered. The door was unlocked so I just came in. I hope that was ok? What were you doing downstairs?" Emmett asked.

"Bella wanted to take a shower before she went to bed but the showerhead wasn't working so I was fixing it," Edward explained.

Wow, he could really think fast on his feet. Thank God!

"At 11 at night? Really?" Emmett asked.

"Yeah, well, I just got home from the hospital so I thought I would do it now so I could sleep later," Edward answered.

"Oh! Hey do you want me to help?"

"No, thanks, I just finished. But thanks anyway."

"I hope it's ok that I stopped by so late. I haven't seen you for a while so I thought maybe we could have a few beers," I heard Emmett say.

"Oh, ah… sure. Why not?" Edward answered him.

Crap! Well, there goes the possibility of more alone time with Edward. I briefly played with the idea of going upstairs to say hello but decided against it. I wasn't good at lying, and after what just happened in bed I was afraid Emmett would see the glow all over my face.

With a heavy and disappointed heart, I turned around and got in the shower.

"Disney World?" I asked.

"Yea, Disney World. I've been wanting to take the twins somewhere for a vacation, and I thought it was the perfect place for the three of us to go to just spend some family time together," Edward said.

"That sounds like a great idea, Edward! You need some good one on one time with those kids and you haven't had a vacation in a long time. I think you should do it!" Monica pitched in.

"When are you guys going?" I asked. I wasn't pleased at hearing that they would be gone, but I did understand the need for him to spend time with the twins and get some rest.

"Well that's the thing. I was hoping to leave in two weeks, but I can't do this trip by myself. Would you consider going with us to help out?" he asked.

"That's an even better idea, Edward. Bella, you should go! Edward can't handle those two by himself the whole time and maybe you can find some time to relax in the sun too," Monica replied.

A trip? With Edward? Hell yes!

"Oh, well, yeah… sure. I mean, I don't have school and if the twins aren't here then I really have nothing to do, so yeah, of course I'll go."

I was trying to sound nonchalant about the whole thing but inside I was jumping up and down. No hiding, no sneaking around… this would be the best trip ever!

"Then it's settled. I didn't want to book the trip without asking you. I'll take care of the details tonight and let you know when we are leaving," he told me. I looked up at him and he had a little sparkle in his eyes and a grin on his face.

That sneak! He could have prepared me for this before bringing it up in front of Monica. But then again, maybe that is why he did it. To make sure that my reaction was genuine and not guarded or fake.

Oh, who the hell cares? I was going on vacation with Edward!

The next two weeks flew by. Because Edward was taking a week off, he had to pick up extra shifts at the hospital so we never got to see each other. It had been nearly that long since we had had sex too. I was a little frustrated but I knew he had to work longer, and the twins needed him too, so I had to deal with it.

He made it a bit easier for me by sending me texts occasionally. They were always something like '_wish I were in bed with you'_ or '_can't wait till I can spend time with you in Florida'_. Just sweet little things like that that made me realize I wasn't forgotten.

The last few days were a whirlwind with trying to get all the things together that we would need on vacation. The twins' things took up nearly two suitcases alone. I had no idea that traveling with toddlers would take up so much space.

I also wanted to make sure I had a new swimsuit and I decided to splurge on some lingerie. For once in my life I had a reason to buy some and I wanted to try them out on Edward. I wanted him to view me as a real woman and not some young girl. For some reason, I thought that perhaps sexy lingerie would do the trick.

While Monica watched Ethan and Hannah, I went to the mall and searched for the perfect bathing suit. I found a few good ones to choose from and decided on two. Next I hit the lingerie department. I had no idea where to start, or what he liked.

I grabbed one of anything that looked remotely sexy and headed over to the changing rooms.

"Bella!" I heard my name.

Oh God please no!

"Bella!" I heard the voice again.

_Alice!_

I turned around slowly. Yup, there she was.

"Hey there! Fancy seeing you here!" She giggled as she hugged me over the enormous mound of clothing in my arms.

"Hey, Alice. What are you doing here?"

"I needed some new underwear and this is my favorite place to shop for it, and then I saw you. And look at you! How many pieces are you trying on anyway?" She laughed a little at my monstrous pile.

"Oh, I don't know. I, ah… well, I've never really bought anything but basic bras and panties before, and I thought maybe I would try something new," I sputtered.

"Well, you are in luck! I am the lingerie queen so I can help you decide. Let's go," she said, dragging my arm behind her.

This was seriously the last thing I needed; trying on lingerie with Alice so I could turn around and have sex with her brother in them. Sometimes I felt like I was just cursed.

"Alice, thanks, but I don't know if I'm comfortable-" I started.

"Oh nonsense," she interrupted me. "We're both girls and I can help. Stop being such a prude! Come on."

She led me into one of the handicapped dressing rooms. Clearly she realized that with as many things as I had in my arms and the both of us in one room that a regular room would not do. She quickly weeded through the pile, separating the bra sets from the nightgowns.

"My God Bella, look at everything here. If I didn't know any better I'd say that you had a boyfriend!" She turned to look at me. "Do you?"

"Ah, no, I, ah…no I don't!" I stammered. "I just didn't know what to buy so I thought I'd try a little of everything."

"Well, you certainly will with all of this! Ok then. Let's start with the bra sets and then the nightgowns, ok?" she asked.

"Ah, well… sure," I answered. What could I say? There was no stopping Alice, and whatever I had to do to get through this I would have to do.

In the end, she helped me pick out five new bra sets with panties, all boy short style. As for the nightgowns, I picked out two that were shorter and only slightly revealing. I wanted to perhaps buy something a little more risqué but I could hardly explain that away to Alice. What would I have a need for something risqué when I didn't have a boyfriend?

"Thanks for your help, Alice. I really appreciate it," I told her.

"Anytime Bella, please call me next time. You know how I love to shop, and it's always nice to get someone else's perspective," she told me.

My blood pressure didn't go down until I was back in the car driving home. The whole experience of trying things on with Alice had exhausted me. I didn't know how long I could keep up this whole charade.

I woke up sweating. Lord, was it hot in here.

I tried moving to my back and instantly realized the source of the heat. There was a body pressed up to my back spooning with me and an arm wrapped around my waist.

Edward.

I moved my head to the side trying to see him behind me. I could hear his heavy breathing. Poor guy had been working the graveyard shift all week and his inner clock was completely messed up. I looked to the alarm clock: 6:02 a.m. Ethan and Hannah would be waking soon. I always tried to be up before them but I didn't want to move right now.

Edward and I hadn't been together in almost two weeks and the feel of his body next to mine was irresistible. I wanted to lay here as long as possible and enjoy the physical contact.

What I really wanted to do was wake him up but I couldn't.

Today we were leaving on our trip and it would be a long one with two toddlers in tow. He needed to rest.

I carefully maneuvered myself onto my back. He didn't stir.

I stared at his perfectly chiseled face. God, this man was gorgeous and for the moment he was mine. Not really mine in a committed sense, but mine for the moment. I wanted to kiss him but I didn't. I reached up and softly pushed aside the hair that was falling onto his forehead.

Then I touched his cheek with the back of my hand.

I loved him, now more than ever.

There was no going back for me. I would love him the rest of my life.

Laying there in the arms of the man I loved, I knew I didn't ever want to be anywhere else.

But did he?

"I love you, Edward Cullen. I always have and I always will," I whispered.

**A/N:**

**Many many thanks to our beta Lullabelle98! **

**And many many apologies to all our reviewers…This is the first week since we started ATR that we did not respond to any reviews. I hope to make that up to you this week! Thank you so much for taking time out of your busy days to let us know how you feel about our story. It just means the world to us.**


	39. Chapter 38

Chapter 38 EPOV

Finally, I had Bella alone.

Well not truly alone, the children were with us, but it was as good as it would ever get.

No interruptions from Monica. No surprise visits from Emmett. No more close calls. We could finally kick back and just _be_.

Whatever we were, we were together, at least for now. And I wasn't going to waste a single moment.

The hotel we were staying at had certified and licensed babysitters and I planned on using them as much as possible. I hadn't told Bella any of my plans. I wanted to surprise her.

Lately I had been starting to feel like I was taking advantage of her. I knew I loved her but she didn't. She only knew that I wanted to have sex with her. And I did. Lots and lots of sex.

But I wanted to take her out and make her feel special. That wasn't possible in Chicago since we decided to keep everything 'under wraps'.

The trip to Florida was very stressful. The twins had a problem with the air pressure on the flight and screamed nearly the entire time. The horrifying looks we were getting were just awful from our fellow passengers. There was nothing we could do other than get them to drink from their sippy cups and hope it would subside. It didn't.

They were so overtired by the time we landed that they fell asleep in their car seats once we got the rental car. They woke up when we got to the hotel and started crying again. Good Lord, I hoped once we settled in the room they would finally stop!

I had arranged for a two room suite so that the twins would be in one room and Bella and I could share the other one. We brought the baby monitor with us as well. I had no idea how many things you had to bring on vacation with you when you had children.

We didn't arrive until the evening, so we decided to order room service and stay in; everyone was exhausted and our nerves were fried. Once the twins had eaten and taken a bath, they immediately fell asleep. By the time I went into our bedroom, Bella was laying on top of the comforter fast asleep.

I would say that I was disappointed but I wasn't. Well, maybe a little. I was exhausted as well so I couldn't blame her. I lay down next to her and before I realized I was asleep as well.

Morning sex.

God, I loved morning sex.

I woke up spooning with Bella and realized that she was moving her bottom over my morning wood.

I started moaning.

"Oh God, baby, please tell me you know what you are doing to me right now." I moaned.

"Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"Stop talking and start _doing,_" she whispered.

"Yes ma'am!" I told her as I rolled her onto her back.

We decided to spend the first day at the pool. We were both still exhausted from the trip, and since we had a whole week, there was plenty of time to go to Disney World.

The hotel had a lovely pool with a very large kiddie pool. We slathered the twins in SPF 70, put them in their bathing diapers and hats and headed out. It was hot, but the pool was surrounded by plenty of shade from the palm trees. We alternated being in the pool and being in the shade most of the day. We had lunch there too. The twins took their naps in the stroller in the shade. It was a perfectly relaxing day.

Did I mention the perfect bikini that Bella had on?

It was white with a halter top and the bottoms were conservative but sexy as hell. I couldn't tear my eyes away from her. Apparently neither could some of the men at the pool. Every time she moved away from us, I caught them staring at her. Bella seemed to be oblivious.

"I'll go get us a drink," she offered. "In the mood for something stronger than soda?"

"Sure, I'll take a beer. I think we can handle one drink while the twins are sleeping," I responded.

"Ok, I'll be right back." She stood up to go to the bar.

"No!" I exclaimed. Bella turned with a puzzled look on her face.

"What?" she asked.

"I'll go get them. You stay here. What did you want?" I asked, lowering my voice to a less panicked level.

If she went to the bar she would be hit on by some guy, I was sure of it. I didn't want anyone approaching her. _Mine!_

"Ah… how about a Pina Colada?" she asked.

"Sounds good. One Pina Colada and one beer coming up." I rushed off.

I collected the drinks and headed back to the lounge chairs.

There were two young men, college boys from the looks of it, standing over Bella as she sat on the lounge chair. They were all laughing together.

What the hell?

"Oh no, they're not mine! I'm their nanny," I heard Bella say.

"Oh! So you're here working?" the blonde boy asked.

"Ah, yeah… I mean sort of," Bella said.

Sort of? What the fuck…

"Bella," I said, standing as tall as possible next to the two boys. "Here's your drink." I passed her the Pina Colada.

"Edward! Edward, this is David and Steve. David, Steve, this is Edward. He's the father," she explained.

Yeah, the father and your lover, and the man who loves you and…

"Hello," I said brusquely and pushed my way in between them to sit next to Bella.

"Oh, well, I guess we should get going," one of them said. I didn't know which one and I didn't care.

_Mine!_

"Hey, Bella, maybe we'll see you tomorrow if you come to the pool," the other one said.

Ah, not likely!

"Oh, I don't think so," she said. "I think we'll be at Disney World tomorrow."

"Ok, well maybe we'll see you around!"

I watched them walk away. I could feel my face frowning. How was I going to deal with this? Bella was a beautiful girl and she was going to get hit on by men if I didn't stake my claim. And how was I going to do that when I didn't know how she felt about me, or if she even wanted me to stake a claim?

"Edward?"

This whole situation was fucked up. I didn't want to keep things a secret, but I also didn't want to deal with the ramifications of going public. I didn't want to ask Bella how she felt about me because I knew there was a great possibility that this was just a fling to her. And if I did ask, and that was what this was, then it would come to an end sooner rather than later. I couldn't tell her how I felt and then find out she didn't feel the same way, and also expect things to remain the same.

I needed a new approach.

I would show her how I felt and maybe, just maybe, she would develop deeper feelings for me in light of me showing her with my actions not my words.

"Edward!"

"Huh? What? Did you say something?" I said.

"Are you ok?" she asked.

"Ah, yeah. I mean, yes, of course I'm fine. Why?" I asked.

"Well, you were just acting a little strange, and then you seemed to be a million miles away."

"Sorry, I was just thinking," I told her.

"About what?"

"About tonight. I arranged for a sitter and I want to take you out," I explained.

"A sitter? Is that safe? I mean, we don't know anyone here," she asked.

"Yes, it's perfectly safe. They have a certified service here. I checked them out before we came. Everything will be fine. But wait, I guess I've gone about this wrong. Bella, would you let me take you out tonight?" I asked her. I was embarrassed that I hadn't thought to ask her instead of just telling her.

"Of course! I would love to."

"Then it's settled." I turned toward the pool again, drinking my beer.

Yes, things would get better once I showed Bella how much she meant to me. And with any luck, she would feel the same towards me.

"Edward, I hope we aren't going anywhere fancy. I didn't bring fancy clothes. I thought we would just be doing Disney World and pool stuff," Bella said. She looked embarrassed.

"I actually thought of that. I wanted to surprise you by taking you out, that's why I didn't warn you. I hope you don't mind but I went in your closet at home and brought that black dress you had on the first time I kissed you. I wanted to be able to see you in it and _remember_ every little detail." I leered at her.

"Oh my God, Edward! Are you serious? What about shoes? I don't-"

"I brought them too," I interrupted her and started to chuckle.

"Wow. You really are full of surprises! You know, Edward, we don't have to go out fancy or to an expensive place. I would be just as happy going for a burger with you," she said.

I walked up to her and took her into my arms.

"We will have none of that, Ms. Swan. I want to take you out and anything less than _fancy_ as you put it will just not do. Later this week we can do burgers but tonight I want to spoil you a little bit. Is that ok?"

Bella broke into a huge smile clearly pleased at my proposal.

"Yeah, that's more than ok. Thank you, Edward. So when are we leaving?"

"We need to leave at 8 so…"

"Shit, I have to get into the shower then. Ok, where are the dress and shoes? I hardly have time to look decent! Why didn't you tell me sooner?" She glared at me.

"Baby, don't worry about it. You have plenty of time," I told her.

An hour later, Bella walked out of the bedroom looking even more gorgeous than she had the first time I had seen her in that dress. Well, admittedly I couldn't remember every detail from the last time but tonight she was breathtaking.

"I think my heart just stopped," I mumbled.

"What did you say?" she asked.

"Ah, nothing. Bella, you take my breath away. Truly." I walked up to her and pulled her into my arms. "Maybe taking you out like this is not a good idea. I'll have to fight off the men trying to get at you."

"Oh, Edward. Come on."

"I'm serious, Bella. I don't want anyone else looking at you but me," I told her as I bent down and started kissing her. I could feel myself immediately get hard. Apparently, so could she.

"Edward Cullen, you made me get all dressed up and now you want to stay in?" She giggled.

"Yes. No. I mean, no I want to take you out. Let's get out of here before I change my mind."

The twins were already down to sleep so there was nothing to really do for the babysitter other than relax in the living room. I gave her my cell number and we left.

Since we were in Florida, seafood seemed to be the logical choice for dinner. We both ordered lobster tail and it was delicious. The night would have been perfect other than the fact that I was in a constant state of arousal around Bella. Watching her eat lobster smeared in melted butter was like watching soft porn. I had to keep kicking myself to behave.

The restaurant the hotel recommended also had a lounge, so we went there after dinner for a night cap. They had a small dance floor and a singer.

As the singer started singing 'Close to You' I stood up.

"May I have this dance?" I reached out my hand to Bella.

"Edward, I don't think-"

"Please?" I gave her my winning most smile and she acquiesced. Thankfully.

We walked over to the dance floor and I took her into my arms. Our bodies were close as we swayed back and forth. Our eyes never strayed from each other as we listened to the soft timbre of the singer's voice. No comparison to Karen Carpenter but I couldn't complain. I had the most amazing woman in my arms and that was all that mattered to me.

One song turned into another and another, and before we knew it the lounge was closing. As much as I couldn't wait to make love to Bella again, I had thoroughly enjoyed just dancing with her. I was sorry to see the night end.

We caught a taxi to the hotel. On the ride back, Bella cuddled into my arms and laid her head between my shoulder and my neck.

"God, you smell good," she whispered.

I lifted her chin to my face and kissed her softly. Slowly, I deepened the kiss trying to convey how much I adored her. Could she feel it? Did she know?

I felt her slender arms reach up and embrace me around the neck, her fingers reaching into my hair. I loved it when her hands were in my hair. I felt more alive in that moment in the back of a cab than I had in years.

As the cab pulled up to the hotel, I paid the driver and got out to assist Bella out of the car. We held hands all the way to the room. We didn't speak. We just kept looking at each other.

I opened the door to the room and let her in first. The babysitter gathered her things and left. Her services would be charged to the room so I didn't have to worry about that.

"Would you like something to drink?" I asked her.

As anxious as I was to make love, I didn't want the night to end for some reason. It had held a magical feeling for me and I was loathe to see it go.

"No. I just want you Edward." Her voice was quiet, almost a whisper.

I walked up to her, putting both of my hands on either side of her face and looked deeply into her eyes.

Could she see it?

"You have me Bella. You've always had me."

If I saw one more Mickey Mouse or Donald Duck I was going to go insane.

Although the majority of our time had been spent at Disney World, I don't think we hit even a fraction of all the attractions. There weren't many rides to accommodate two year olds. We went to as many shows as we could find and walked for what seemed like 30 miles every day. Ethan and Hannah were enchanted by all the lights, the Disney figures, the music and all the people. They seemed to have loved all the time we spent together.

Most evenings we stayed in the hotel and ordered room service, followed of course by putting the twins to bed and making love all night. I couldn't get enough of Bella. She was truly my dream come true.

A few short months ago I thought my life was over, romantically anyway. I still struggled with an internal battle I waged with myself over my guilt about Angela. It usually snuck up on me at the strangest times. It happened once when I watched the twins laughing during one of the Disney shows. Their profiles reminded me so much of their mother. At that moment I could feel the dead weight in my stomach and a lump form in my throat. Angela was dead. My children's mother was gone. And I was laughing it up at Disney World. What was wrong with me? Then I felt Bella's hand reach up and touch the hair at the back of my neck.

"Hey, are you ok?" she asked me softly.

No. I wasn't. I was hoping that one day I would be.

Bella was like a ray of sunshine in my darkened soul that wouldn't let me wallow in my self-flagellation.

So I went with it.

I enjoyed every moment we were together until the next moment of grief and guilt assaulted me.

And though we were on vacation and enjoying each other's bodies to the fullest, Bella never let our time get in between the time we spent with the children. She was absolutely focused on them and what would make them happy.

She would make an amazing mother one day.

An amazing mother to her own children.

Just not to my children.

Oh but how I wish she would be… could be. I didn't dare hope. That thought was too precious to crush nor entertain.

I would concentrate on what I had here… right now… in front of me.

Bella.

**A/N:**

**Again…sorry sorry sorry for the day late. And apologies now for next week as we are getting company from out of the country. But I promise to try to get it to you all as soon as possible.**

**Extra love and hugs for Parama my partner in crime. She needs positive thoughts and prayers going her way this week.**

**Lulabelle98…as always…thanks for being such a great beta.**

**Thank you to all the reviewers and loyal followers…we do it all for you. **


	40. Chapter 39

Chapter 39 BPOV

Florida had been wonderful. The twins had a great time and Edward and I, well, I can't really describe it. We were so connected physically, like we were made for each other. At least, that's how I felt. Having never had a lover in my life before I wondered if all women felt this way about the man they lost their virginity to. Logically I knew that because Edward was my first that I would feel a special bond with him. I just knew deep down that it was more than that.

Again, at least for me.

I also realized that Edward had a long way to go in getting over Angela. I noticed sometimes when we were together that he would get lost in thought, saddened really. I assumed it had to do with Angela.

Then I would touch him or talk to him and he would snap himself out of it.

But there were other times as well. When he didn't know I was looking and he would get that same tortured look on his face.

I wanted to ask him about it but I was afraid to. He had every right to mourn his wife and talking about her was on that unspoken list of things we didn't touch or dust off.

So I didn't go there.

Truth be told I was terrified to. I knew that Edward had loved his wife deeply but now that we were involved I was afraid to actually hear about his love for Angela. I already avoided thinking about the fact that he most likely didn't love me but to hear him talk about anyone else with those feelings…well, that would be too much for me.

I wanted to be the one he loved.

No other.

Though I respected that of course he loved Angela I just couldn't bear to hear him talk about those deep feelings. It would be a constant reminder to me of what I would never have.

Everyone knew your first love always ran the deepest. That it was special in an unbreakable way, not to mention that they had children together. Even if Edward had feelings for me or loved me even a little it could never compare to his first true love, the mother of his children.

The problem was: he was _my_ first true love. What was I supposed to do with that?

So I avoided.

I enjoyed whatever time he had for me. I would take what I could get.

Returning to Chicago was a rude reality. We would be back on guard and our opportunities to be together would be limited at best. I can't say that I didn't care, I did. But again, I was willing to take Edward however I could get him.

I would wait for him forever.

I also knew that I needed to get my life back on track. Go back to school or make some plans but I couldn't. I was consumed with taking care of the twins and being available for Edward and our time together. I knew most women would probably criticize me for making their needs more important than mine. But I didn't feel like my needs weren't being met. I felt like I had almost everything I had ever dreamed of.

Almost.

If Edward loved me I would have everything.

But he didn't. Or at least I didn't think he did. Maybe one day he could. And that was what I was holding on to.

So life went on. Week after week we snuck our time together. Even if I didn't see him during the day and there was no 'us' time he would crawl into bed with me when he got home from his shift and we would sleep together. I always made sure to be up extra early to wake him before anyone came to the house in the mornings.

We never slept in his room. He never suggested it and I didn't want to. That was _their_ room and I didn't want our time to be spent there. This was yet another one of those unspoken things that we just didn't do.

There were so many times that I wanted to talk to him about my feelings. I really wanted to tell him how much he meant to me and start probing how he might feel about me but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was so afraid.

Afraid that if I did and he didn't feel the same that everything we had would come to a screeching halt. Edward was so kind and loving towards me and I couldn't imagine that if I told him that I loved him and if he didn't feel the same that he would continue what we were doing knowing that he would probably be hurting me. That much I did know about him after all we had shared.

So I kept everything at status quo.

When I wasn't watching the twins or helping out around the house I spent a lot of time with Alice. It was hard to hear her talk about Jasper and how happy she was when I couldn't share anything about myself. How I longed to talk to _someone_ about Edward. I had so many questions and I needed to just vent my feelings. But that wasn't possible.

I also had a potentially big problem coming up. In early summer my visa was going to expire with all the extensions and strings that the Cullens had pulled I wasn't sure I would be able to stay another six months without having to leave the country for a while. Edward and I would have to talk about this. I had a feeling that this talk in particular would be a difficult one. It would probably bring up feelings and future plans and those were two subjects we never talked about.

-ATR-

Springtime on the North Shore is gorgeous. Everything was so green and all the flowers were blooming. I loved taking the twins out during this time. It didn't matter where…Botanical Gardens, a walk in the park or the Zoo…it was a great time to be outside.

The twins and I had spent a couple of hours at our local playground. Now that they were walking they seemed to meander everywhere all at once. Even I was exhausted as I loaded them up in their stroller and made our way back home. It was late afternoon but since Monica had prepared dinner earlier, I could probably squeeze in a quick nap for myself if I could get the twins to lay down. Of course that was a big 'if'…they had quickly grown out of their second nap time schedule.

We entered the house and immediately I felt a difference. Something had changed. Something was different.

It almost seemed to be something in the air.

I got the twins out of the stroller and walked into the kitchen.

Nothing.

Hmmmm.

I walked into the living room.

Nothing out of place there either.

No one seemed to be home.

Maybe it was just that the light from outside had changed since we had recently gone through the time change. I wasn't used to it being this light at this time of the day.

Yeah, that must be it.

I took the twins upstairs to try to canoodle them into taking a nap but it didn't work. They had their own ideas of what they wanted to do. So, with that in mind we went back downstairs and played with their toys until dinner time.

That weird feeling never left me.

-ATR—

EPOV

For once the hospital wasn't filled with victims of tragic accidents. The worst thing I had seen all day was a broken wrist from a young girl who had fallen off the monkey bars at school. Hardly a tragedy. She had been so brave and never cried.

For once I felt lighthearted. I had stopped obsessing every day about Angela and was finally relaxing into my new found happiness with Bella. The only foreboding I still harbored was the inevitable 'talk' we would have to have about our feelings. But even on that front I was feeling more confident. Bella's actions towards me told me that she definitely had more feelings for me than just sexual ones…at least I hoped I was reading her correctly.

For once things were looking up.

I was standing at the nurse's station talking to the shift nurses. One of them was telling a horribly stupid joke…so bad that you just had to laugh. I felt my phone vibrate. When I picked it up it said 'unknown number'.

I answered.

"Cullen."

"Dr. Cullen?" a voice said.

"Yes."

"Dr. Edward Cullen?" the voice asked.

"Yes, can I help you?"

"Dr. Cullen, this is Charles Lambert with the US Embassy in Rwanda. Have I caught you at a good time?" he asked me.

I felt my heart jump into my throat and my breathe catch. It had been months since we had heard any update at all and usually we had had to call ourselves to hear anything. Now this person was calling me directly. That had never happened before. I instinctively knew this was an important call.

"Ah, just one moment please," I excused myself from the nurse's station and hurried to my office where I closed the door behind me.

"Ok, yes, this is a good time," I told him.

"Dr. Cullen, I have some wonderful new for you! We found your wife and she is alive and well!"

I felt the room start to spin slightly so I sat down right away. Alive and well?

"What did you say?" I asked him.

I heard the smile in his voice as he responded. "Yes Dr. Cullen you heard me correctly. Your wife is alive and well."

Angela was alive!

It was a miracle!

"Where is she? What happened? Can I talk to her?"

The man, Charles something or other, chuckled lightly. "She is in hospital at the moment being checked for any injuries or sickness though I must tell you she looks perfectly healthy and fine to me. But we must follow protocol. She is very anxious to get home so we have made arrangements for her to fly home tomorrow barring any unforeseen health issues."

"I can fly there…"

"No need Dr. Cullen, unless of course we find something out about her health that would require her to stay here. By the time you fly here she will already be on her way home to you."

"I don't understand…I mean, what happened? There were searches for months, everyone was convinced there was no chance she had survived and now you are telling me she is practically on her way home…what the hell happened?" I was frustrated. We had searched and called for all these many months and nothing. Now suddenly she just popped up?

"Dr. Cullen, what we have discovered so far is that when your wife's plane went down near the northern shore of Lake Kivu, she was removed from the site of the crash by the FDLR guerrillas who had their camp in the jungles of Goma. They tended to her injuries, which thankfully weren't fatal, and kept her alive. Initially, they intended to use her as a hostage to barter with the FARDC to swap prisoners. But once they got whiff that she was a trained medical doctor, they chose to keep her to treat their own injured and sick. That's where she has been all these months.

Last week the FARDC carried out a raid on the FDLR camp. Your wife was rescued along with a French aid worker and a Belgian journalist. The prisoners were handed over to the UN peacekeepers and they contacted us. Your wife is in our custody now, Dr. Cullen. We arranged to have her airlifted to Kigali as soon as we were contacted and she was brought immediately to hospital.

Now, I don't know how much you know about the Kivu conflict, or if you care to know anything at all, but you are welcome to talk to our Political Attaché who will be more than happy to brief you on the geo-political history of the region. However, I am certain you'll be far more interested to have your wife back by your side. I can imagine how relieved you must be to know that she is alive and…"

"You mean to tell me that she was rescued over a week ago and I am only hearing about this right now?" I shouted into the phone.

"Sir, I'm sorry for the delay but we were only just notified yesterday and had her flown out immediately. Before we called you we wanted to be certain that it was indeed your wife. When she was first rescued she was in dire need of sleep and proper food. Then she had to be debriefed by your government. There was nothing anyone could do until now. I understand your frustration but please try to think of the positive here. In 48 hours she will be home safe and sound and your life will finally return to normal."

I took in a deep breath. He was right. No matter how much I wanted to rage against the system, if it was true that Angela was unharmed and on her way home wasn't that the main thing to concentrate on?

"I'm sorry, you're right of course…it's just such a shock and I have so many questions." I tried to explain.

"I understand Dr. Cullen. Why don't I give you some time to process all of this and I will call you back in a few hours with your wife's flight information? Perhaps she will be out of hospital then and you can talk to her directly?"

"That would be great thank you. Before you go though can you give me your contact information just in case?" I scrambled around my desk looking for a pen and paper. After I hung up I sat down on the office couch and rubbed my face with both hands.

Angela was alive. I couldn't believe it. What I thought was the worst nightmare in my life was now over. Finally.

The twins had their mother back! I couldn't wait to tell them.

I…

Oh my God Bella!

-ATR—

True to his word Mr. Lambert called back two hours later. Angela had passed the physical and would be coming home. I was able to speak to her briefly too. Her voice sounded far away and weaker than I had remembered but it was definitely her. We didn't talk long, she cried quite a bit which was very unusual. I don't think I ever remembered seeing Angela cry…ever. But this was an unusual situation and it was understandable that her feelings would be all over the place. She probably thought she would never get out of there.

I wrote down her flight information.

She would be home very late tomorrow night.

I was supposed to be home already but I couldn't leave my office couch.

What was I going to do?

My wife was alive and my lover was waiting at home for me. Both women would be in the same house at the same time late tomorrow.

I tried to imagine it.

Tried to picture explaining everything to Bella and how we couldn't go on together anymore but that she was welcome to stay and continue to care for Ethan and Hannah.

Yeah, no…that wasn't going to happen. I couldn't do that to her and I couldn't expect her to do that. I couldn't do that to Angela either. I could never tell Angela what I had done…'hey honey, while I thought you were dead for the last several months I've been sleeping with the nanny but now that you're home let's go back to the way things were.' Right!

I was so screwed.

Not because I had slept with the nanny. Not because my wife was alive and coming home. And not because I couldn't tell my wife about what happened.

But because I knew that what I felt for Bella was ten times stronger than what I had ever felt for Angela and if I told Angela about Bella I would have to tell her the whole truth. I couldn't do that. She had just survived something she probably shouldn't have and coming back to her life that she had every right to expect was still there after such a relatively short time. We had children and a life. I couldn't be so selfish and after all that she had been through just leave her because I had found the love of my life.

And what of Bella?

I closed my eyes and pictured her perfect face. My throat constricted with unshed tears. I tried to steel myself against those feelings.

Bella was young. I might never get over my love for her…but she would survive and move on and someday find her perfect love. I didn't want that…I wanted her with me. But I had chosen my life long before I had met her. I had to think of my children as well.

I wasn't naïve enough to believe that Bella would forget me. Of course she wouldn't. I had been her first. But with time she would love another. Hell, I didn't even know if she actually loved me now. I knew she felt _something_ but whether or not it was love…well, it was too late to find out now.

I knew deep down I was going to have to do something terrible to rectify this situation.

I also knew I would end up hating myself for it.

And I knew that Bella would hate me even more.

**A/N:**

**FDLR (Forces démocratiques de libération du Rwanda)**

**FARDC (Forces Armées de la République Démocratique du Congo)**

**Well, it was the chapter everyone was waiting for…the return of Angela! Did it happen how you thought it would?**

**Many apologies for making everyone wait so long for an update. RL has sort of kicked my ass lately and taken all my writing mojo out of me. I hadn't even checked the ATR PM account until 2 days ago…whereupon I found a slew of messages from fans asking (kindly) for an update. Everyone was so sweet (thank you…you know who you are). So this is for all the patient ATR fans…I can't promise a weekly update but I do promise to do my best to get them to you as quickly as possible. And I swear…we are finishing this story.**

**This chapter would not have been possible without my partner in crime Parama…thank you dear! Or without our amazing beta lullabelle98…thank you again!**


	41. Chapter 40

Chapter 40 BPOV

As I felt the plane take off, I tried to relax. I breathed in deeply through my nose and out of my mouth in an attempt to still the jumble of thoughts racing through my mind. I desperately tried to stave off the tears that threatened to engulf me. I repeated my mantra in my head; _bunny, bunny, bunny_. I know it sounds weird but whenever I start to freak out and cry, if I repeat that word in my head it distracts me enough to keep the tears at bay. It was a little trick my friend, a psychologist, taught me. You just had to pick some kind of word to distract yourself. _Bunny_ was mine.

"Welcome to Lufthansa flight 318 to Frankfurt, Germany. Please take a moment to look over the information…"

As the flight attendant's voice fizzled out in my rattled head, I couldn't help but go _there._

"_I'm sorry, Bella, but you need to leave." _

Oh God, I still couldn't believe it. Less than 24 hours ago I was taking care of Ethan and Hannah, thinking about the next time I would see Edward, and my biggest worry was whether or not I would get another visa to stay in the states.

That was all over now.

Over.

"_Angela's alive!"_

I was so happy for the twins, and for Edward, that Angela was coming home. My first thought was of how elated I felt that she had been found and was relatively unharmed. The smile that had first formed on my face disappeared quickly as I realized the complications this presented.

"_I don't know what to say. What we had was wonderful, but Angela is alive. I can't have her come home only to find out that we've been sleeping together. It wouldn't be fair to her after all she's been through. And it wouldn't be fair to you."_

No, it wouldn't have been fair. The fact that he had reduced our months together by referring to it as 'sleeping together' didn't help one bit.

Would anything have helped?

"_You don't know how grateful I am to you for everything you've done for the twins. For this family. You've meant so much to all of us, Bella."_

I meant a lot to all of them. They meant everything to me.

"_You deserve so much better. You're young and you have your whole future ahead of you. It was time for you to start thinking about moving on anyway… we've held you back from all your school and travel plans as it is. I… I just think it would be better for everyone if we made a clean break before she got home. I know it's late notice, but I'll compensate you for the rest of the time that you were supposed to stay, and I insist on paying for your last minute flight to wherever you want to go. Bella, I just feel terrible about this."_

He felt terrible? I felt like a fool. Thank God I never told him how I felt about him. How would I have handled that now? My heart was crushed either way. At least he didn't know how badly.

_Bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny_….

Damnit! It wasn't helping this time.

No amount of _bunny_-ing was going to keep this misery at bay.

I didn't want to break down on a long flight overseas.

Yes, overseas.

I wasn't about to go back home. I couldn't face my parents and explain what was going on. I had nowhere else to go on such short notice. So I called my friend Claudia in Berlin and of course she insisted that I come spend some time with her. I welcomed getting out of the states, staying away from home and just being somewhere where I could lose myself for a while.

So I left for the only other home I knew.

I started to breathe in and out again slowly. As I closed my eyes, I could picture Ethan and Hannah playing on the swings the last time we were at the park. God, how I loved them!

_Bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny_…

XXXXXXXX

I had only been in Berlin for a week and it felt like I had just arrived. The pain was still as acute as the moment I walked out of the brownstone. Would it ever subside?

Claudia and her friends greeted me at Tegel airport the morning I arrived with a bottle of Champagne and a sign that read 'Wilkommen nach Hause'. We took a quick drive through the city on the former east side and went to a local café for coffee. All that Claudia's friends knew was that I was coming for an extended visit but not that I was heartbroken. Only Claudia knew about that.

My body was completely confused. The jet lag had really kicked my ass this time. I cried so much and so often that many times I just fell asleep from sheer exhaustion. The times that I should have been sleeping my body was still on Chicago time and I couldn't. My body's internal clock was beyond fucked up which was somehow ironic considering my mind was as well. Great combination.

Thankfully, Berlin is one of those cities that never sleeps. There was always something to do or somewhere to go. Public drinking was acceptable and done everywhere… even on the U-bahn at seven a.m.!

I spent most of the first few weeks touring Berlin and seeing my favorite sights. I brought a lot of books with me in the hope that I could lose myself in someone else's life instead of dealing with my own. I sat for hours in the public park areas reading. My favorite place was the huge garden behind Schloss Charlottenburg. I went to museums. I sat in cafes. I did anything to avoid Claudia's apartment. I didn't want her to see me moping around. If I had had my druthers I would have stayed in bed every day.

Though the many sights and sounds of Berlin kept me physically occupied, my mind always wandered back to the brownstone.

My mind relived every moment with Edward; from the first second when I gazed into his piercing green eyes to the last time he kissed me.

_Bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny_….

I took a deep breathe.

I had to stop this.

I had to find or do something to really take my mind off of him… of them. I missed the twins every bit as much as I missed Edward. Okay, I didn't pine for them like I did for him, but the ache was still there. I might not have been their mother but I loved them every bit as much.

The guilt began eating its way through me.

I hadn't said goodbye to them.

Well, I kissed them while they were sleeping but I didn't want to see them while they were awake. There were many reasons really. First of all, they were too young to understand where I was going and why. Even if I had said goodbye, they wouldn't have understood and would wonder where I was and why I wasn't with them.

The biggest reason was that I was a coward. I didn't think I could bear saying goodbye. I knew I would cry and blubber, and in the end, I think it would have scared them more than anything else. As much as I wanted to wrap their little bodies in my arms and never let go, I had to think of them first.

Edward wanted me to wait until morning and say goodbye. In a way, I wish I had. But one more second in that home knowing that I had to leave was just something I couldn't do. I needed to go and I needed to go immediately.

I was walking through Zehlendorf, part of the former American sector of Berlin, when I passed an English book store. Of course I had to go in. Put me in a book store and you won't see me again for a while. It was a wonderful and a much needed distraction.

I purchased a few new books, and on my way out of the store I noticed a bulletin board filled with pieces of paper. One in particular caught my eye. 'Native English Speakers Needed' and a phone number to call. I reached up and took it.

When I got home I called. A woman named Sylke answered and told me that she was looking for native English speakers to teach English to children in various schools all over Berlin. If I worked for her, I could also get a work visa to stay in Germany for as long as I wanted to. It sounded perfect. The very idea of going back home was making me nauseous. I told Sylke I was very interested and so we planned to meet the next day.

I knew the only thing I could do was to keep putting one foot in the front of the other. My misery was lodged so deep I could barely function. I needed to keep myself busy until my thoughts didn't automatically go _there_. I needed to rebuild my life without them.

I needed to find a way to forget Edward Cullen.

The real question was: was that even possible?

XXXXXXXXX

_Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes, Knees and Toes_

_Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes, Knees and Toes_

_And Eyes and Ears and Mouth and Nose_

_Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes, Knees and Toes_

The laughter coming from the children after we sang that song was infectious. I laughed right along with them.

Ah, laughter; a foreign and yet welcome musical tone. I couldn't remember the last time I laughed like that.

Well, that wasn't true actually. I could. But then I would have to go _there_ again to remember it and I wouldn't allow myself.

It had taken me nearly four weeks before I found myself laughing- really laughing- for the first time. I thought I had forgotten how to. Once I started working for the Sprachschule and had a regular schedule of schools to visit, I immersed myself in teaching the children.

Thankfully, I was teaching children of many different ages, but they were all older than Ethan and Hannah. I rarely allowed myself to think of them. It just hurt too much to do so. I concentrated on the children in front of me instead.

After three weeks of visiting the schools, the kids were finally picking up simple English words and songs and they loved it. It amazed me how quickly they picked up the small amount of English I was teaching them. It was also very gratifying. I discovered that I loved teaching. I never knew that about myself.

It had been just over six weeks and I was beginning to feel a little bit more like me every day. It was still difficult and heartbreaking, but it was killing me like it had in the beginning. I had a daily routine that I stuck to and that seemed to help me to adjust better. I never deviated from the plan.

Weekends were difficult thought. Claudia tried to get me to out with her and her friends but I didn't feel like partying. I didn't want to meet anyone. I mean really, who could ever measure up to what I had experienced? I feared I was doomed to never know what it felt like to have that all consuming feeling again for another person.

_Edward._

No! I refused to think of him.

I felt a lump form in my throat the moment I thought of his name. I took a deep breath and tried to clear my head. It wouldn't do to start crying while I was still at the school.

I picked up my books and bag and headed home.

XXXXXXXXXXX

I was finally settling in my new home. Claudia was happy to have a semi-permanent roommate to share the expenses with, and I was grateful to be able to stay in Berlin for however long I wanted. She was also instrumental in helping me apply for my work visa, getting a bank account and learning more German. Once I had established a bank account and gotten a credit card, I could finally start using my Kindle again to buy more books.

I had avoided the internet for as long as possible. I knew once I got on I would want to check my email and I was afraid of what I wouldn't find there. But I couldn't put off the inevitable any longer. My parents were getting tired of the once a week phone calls and wanted to be in touch with me on a more regular basis. The time change was preventing that. Emails would be much easier.

I could feel my hands shaking once I sat down in front of my laptop. Claudia had hooked up everything for me last night, but I was waiting for a moment that I would be alone in the apartment. I didn't know what to expect or what I would find once I logged on. I made sure I was alone in case I flipped out.

I could have just set up a new email address and sent it to my parents, but I wanted to be adult about it. It was time to face the music. Besides, I had a lot of friends who stayed in touch with me with my old address and I didn't have their contact information anywhere but in my email contact folder.

As I booted up my computer I felt my stomach twist. What if there was nothing from him? What if there was?

I logged into my account and was shocked.

I had received over 500 emails in two months. I started scanning the email addresses in my inbox. There were a large number of ads and spam which I deleted immediately. But there were still over a hundred personal emails.

I went to the first email that was sent around the time I had left the states. No one knew where I had gone other than my parents. I had asked them not to tell anyone where I was, explaining that I just needed a break from it all. They assured me that they wouldn't tell a soul.

The first email was from Jake asking if I wanted to see a movie on the weekend, followed by a few more asking me where I was, why I hadn't contacted him and why my phone was disconnected. I hadn't had a chance to tell anyone I was leaving. Nor did I want to. There was no way I could have explained why I was leaving so quickly or why I was such a wreck.

There were other emails from school friends and people back home.

More than half of the emails were from Alice.

Alice was pissed. And hurt.

_Dear Bella,_

_What the fuck is going on? I went over to the brownstone and Edward said you had to leave in a hurry… something about a personal emergency. Is everything okay? I'm worried about you. I called your phone but it's been disconnected! Please get a hold of me as soon as you can. I hope you are okay._

_Alice_

There were more emails with the same questions, followed by the kicker.

_Bella,_

_I'm done. I have been trying to contact you for weeks now and there's been no response from you. I thought we were friends? Why aren't you contacting anyone? Edward and I have been trying to track you down. Not even your parents are telling us where you are. I don't know why you won't contact me, but this isn't fair. You must know how worried I am and you don't even have the decency to email me back. Well, that's fine. As I said, I'm done. I wish you well._

_Alice_

It was awful how I had handled leaving, but at the time I just couldn't deal with anything else. And what did she mean that she and _Edward_ were trying to track me down? Why was Edward interested in finding me?

Nearly a week after I left I started receiving emails from a dreac1111. I had no idea who had that email address. I opened the first one and gasped.

_Dear Bella,_

_Please let me know where you are so I know you are okay. Hannah and Ethan miss you. We all miss you._

_Edward_

Another one was sent two days later.

_Dear Bella,_

_No one has heard from you, but your parents have assured us you are fine. Please let us know where you are. We miss you._

_Edward_

Again, a week later. _Dear Bella,_

_Where are you? I'm so worried about you. Are you okay?_

_Edward_

I didn't bother to open the rest. Nor did I open any of the others from Alice. I clicked on each one of their emails and deleted them all. For good measure, I went into the trash folder and deleted them from there as well. I didn't want to be tempted to read what _he_ wrote.

I thought about what I had read so far.

_They_ missed me.

_He's_ worried.

That's it? That's all?

I deserved better.

I deserved more.

I deserved it all.

However much that was all true, one fact remained the same. I had nothing.

**A/N**

**As always without my partner and dear friend Parama there would be no ATR…she came up with it and continues to be its driving force. To my beta Lulabelle98…the fastest and best beta in the west…or anywhere else! Leslie…thank you for nominating us for Best Angsty Story in the Sunflower Awards. Risk, I don't even know if I would have the emotional wherewithall to write these chapters without you anymore.**

**To the readers a few things: No apologies in the world can make up for your patience and loyalty to this story. We are so appreciative to have such wonderful readers and reviewers and thank you so much for sticking with us. If you want to vote for ATR as best angsty story please google The Sunflower Awards and it will pop up…we do appreciate your support.**

**On a personal note though none of you know me, my marriage and by extension my life have been in an uproar and falling apart these last few months. It has left me bereft of the drive to write ATR though I always wanted to. I hope that the next chapters will come easier to write and that I won't disappoint everyone again. But if I do please know that this story will be written to its well deserved end and that we appreciate you continuing to read and review. It would be easy enough to throw some words on a page and submit them to you…but I (and Parama) refuse to submit anything that is one bit less than what this story (and by extension you) deserves. I hope you can understand that.**

**Thanks to everyone…we love you all!**


	42. Chapter 41

Chapter 41 EPOV

I sat in the car for what felt like hours. I had to go in and face what I knew to be my darkest hour but I was glued to my seat. Every moment I delayed was a moment longer that things would stay as they were. As I wanted them to stay.

I had to steel myself for the hardest confrontation I would ever have; telling Bella to leave.

There was no other option really. Though I loved Bella and wanted to be with her, the mother of my children- my wife- was returning home after an unimaginable ordeal. I had to choose between them. I already knew in my heart what I had to do but I couldn't make my body listen. So I sat in my car staring out the front windshield.

I couldn't imagine Bella's reaction. I didn't want to. I knew this would hurt her probably worse than anything she had gone through in her young life. But therein was the one thing I held on to. She was young. I had been her first but she wasn't _in love_ with me. I knew she had feelings for me. Bella wasn't a woman who would casually sleep with just anyone. She was young enough that after a time she would find someone else. Someone without children who would start their life with her and they would have a family together.

The very thought of it left me cold inside. How I wished that someone could be me.

But it couldn't. I was already married. Though Angela was a distant mother to her children, she was still their mother. Through no fault of her own she had been taken away and we had tried to go on without her. Now she was back and she deserved to return to the home she left, not one where her husband was carrying on an affair with the nanny. And that was surely how she would see it… how anyone would really. It was the worst cliché even though I was in love with Bella.

Bella.

Yes, I loved her. Deeply.

I always would. It was not going to be easy for me to walk away from this. I knew what it was like to love someone. The feelings I had for Bella were so beyond what I had previously thought to be love that I knew I would never recover from what was going to happen.

But Bella deserved more. She deserved someone who was completely hers and not split between a wife and his children. I could at least do right by her. I could set her up financially so that she could do whatever it was that she wanted. I would write glowing references, I would help her find another position if necessary. I would do anything to help her find her way again.

I just couldn't do the one thing I wanted; be with her.

I dragged both hands through my messy hair and looked at myself in the rear view mirror.

My face was wet.

Without realizing it, I had been crying the whole time I sat in the car. I wiped my face with my hands. I had to pull myself together and face her. She couldn't see how much I loved her and how much this hurt me. It would only make things worse… for her… for me… did it matter? It had to be done and I had to do it.

Fuck! Was this what my life was now? Regret? Loss? Sadness?

Was this all that remained?

I wiped my face again and got out of the car.

_You can do this_. _You_ will _do this_.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I stood in the hallway leading to the living room and watched Bella with the twins. They were playing together and it was so heartwarming. How was I going to do this? This would also affect the twins. Shit! I was damned either way. I had to believe that doing this for their mother was the right thing. The twins deserved to have their mother back. They would miss Bella for a time but Angela and I would be there to pick up the pieces for them.

No, I had to see this through.

"Hey guys!" I said. All three of their faces turned my way. I was greeted with the most glowing happy faces I had seen in some time. I burned the image into my memory. It would be one of the last I would ever see with Bella.

The twins hobbled over to me as fast as their little cherubic legs would carry them. Their arms were outstretched to me in silent request to pick them up. I bent down, kissing each one of them before hoisting them both into my arms and standing up again.

"How was your day?" Bella asked.

"It was pretty good I guess," I answered. Pretty good? It was the happiest and most awful day of my life!

"Well, I was waiting to feed the twins. I was hoping we could eat together tonight," she said.

"Oh, well, that's a great idea. I'll just get washed up and be right back." I set the twins down and went upstairs to wash up. By the time I went back down, the twins were in their high chairs and dinner was served on the table.

How was I supposed to even get a morsel of food down over the lump in my throat?

Somehow I managed to pick at my plate and make a show of eating something. I told Bella I had eaten late at work to explain my lack of appetite. After we finished dinner, I let her put the twins to bed as I knew what was coming and wanted to give her time with them.

When she finally came downstairs and I had finished washing the dishes, I told her we needed to talk. We sat down in the living room. I chose to sit across from her on the chair instead of next to her on the couch. All I wanted to do was put my arms around her and beg her to forgive me for what I had to do. But I couldn't do that. It would make it worse for the both of us.

She sat on the couch staring at me. What was going through her mind? Everything was about to change and she had no idea.

"Bella, I have something to tell you and I'm not sure how to do it, so I'm just going to say it." I was wringing my hands in nervousness.

"Angela's alive!" I blurted out. I was looking at my hands and not her face when I said it. After it came out, I looked up briefly and saw that she had a smile on her face. Huh?

"She's alive? Oh my God, Edward. That's wonder-" She stopped abruptly, realization crossing her delicate features. "Oh…" she said weakly.

Silence.

Neither one of us said anything.

Neither one of us could look the other in the eye either.

"How? When?" she asked quietly.

"I got the call a few hours ago. The main thing was that she had been kidnapped and held to work as a doctor and they only just found her, but she's ok. She's coming home tomorrow," I told her.

Again, silence.

I had to say something. I didn't know what, but I had to say something. What were the right words to break someone's heart?

"I don't know what to say, Bella. What we had was wonderful and special, but Angela is alive. I think it would be unfair for her to come home and find out that we've been… sleeping together. I can't do that to her after all she's been through. What happened to her wasn't her fault. And it also wouldn't be fair to you." I was babbling and I knew it. They weren't the right words but they were all true.

She didn't say anything. She just kept staring at her hands that were neatly folded on her lap. I couldn't see her face or her reaction.

"You don't know how grateful I am to you for everything you've done for the twins. For this family. You've meant so much to all of us, Bella. You will never know how much."

Still nothing.

"You deserve so much better." I prattled on, "You're young and you have your whole future ahead of you. It was time for you to start thinking about moving on anyway… We've held you back from all your school and travel plans as it is. I… I just think it would be better for everyone if we made a clean break before she got home. I know it's late notice, but I'll compensate you for the rest of the time that you were supposed to stay, and I insist on paying for your last minute flight to wherever you want to go.

"Bella, I just feel terrible about this."

After the last of my rant, she stood up. I did the same.

"I understand," she said and looked me in the eye. I could see the tears that trailed down her face. My hands ached to wipe them away and my arms wanted to wrap her into myself and hold on forever. "I'll just pack my things and get out of your way."

"No, Bella, please. Not like this, not so fast. I mean, I know I said before she comes back, but please let me help you with your arrangements and help you pack up. And you need to say goodbye to the twins and-" She cut me off before I could continue.

"No, Edward. I told you. I understand. I'll pack my things and make a few phone calls. I will arrange everything myself. I won't say goodbye to the twins since they won't understand what is happening anyway. It's best this way. Now, please excuse me." She pushed past me and walked down to her room.

Fuck! I knew it wasn't going to go well. What did I expect? For her to say she loved me and couldn't live without me? Would it have made a difference? No. It wouldn't. She was doing the best she could after being dealt such a blow and I had to try to understand that and give her the space she needed.

I sat back down in the chair and leaned my head into my hands. What would I do without her? She was still in my house and yet I felt her absence already. I had handled the situation badly. I could have told her how I felt about her, but I knew that would have made things worse. It was better that she thought I was just ending things between us. She was barely 21 and she would meet so many potential suitors. She had her whole life ahead of her and that was what I needed to concentrate on. I was doing this for her. I already knew my life, in terms of love, was already over without her. I would never meet anyone like her again, nor did I want to.

I went into my office and logged onto the internet. I wanted to be sure to pay her for her time so that she would have more than enough to get to wherever she was going. I transferred roughly three times as much as what we owed her into her account and added an extra amount on top of that in an attempt to guess at the cost of a last minute flight to Canada. I knew it would be expensive. I didn't care. I just wanted to be sure she was taken care of. I owed her at least that.

I went upstairs and checked on Ethan and Hannah. They were sleeping so peacefully and completely unaware of the turmoil that resided below. I sat in the rocking chair and closed my eyes for a minute. I felt the tears gather behind my lids. I wanted to let them fall but I couldn't. I feared that if I broke down I wouldn't stop; that I would run downstairs and beg Bella to stay. That was what I wanted. It was what I couldn't have.

XXXXXXXXXX

I awoke with a start. "Huh?" I looked around. I had fallen asleep in the rocking chair. I could see the early morning light shine through the curtains. I rubbed my face with my hands.

_Bella!_ I suddenly thought in a panic. I prayed she hadn't left yet. I wanted to help her even if she didn't want me to. Carry her bags, take her to the airport… anything!

I ran down to the basement. Everything was gone. I checked each room.

Nothing.

She was gone!

I looked in the kitchen to see if she had left a note behind.

No. Nothing.

I had no idea where she decided to go or how I could reach her.

I grabbed the phone and called her cell.

"_The number you have dialed has been disconnected. Please try your call again."_

Oh God, no!

She was truly gone.

I never had a chance to say goodbye.

Now I never would.

Angela would be home later today.

And I would never see or hear from Bella again.

**A/N:**

**Thank you to my partner in crime Parama. Louise, you are the best beta ever…thanks!**

**Normally I try to answer all the reviews that come in. I hope everyone will understand that this time, due to the unbelievable outpouring of support over my personal situation, it was just too painful for me to respond to each of you. But please know how much your kind words mean to me. FF is the most amazing place and the friends I have met here blow me away. Instead of answering I poured myself into trying to get you an update faster so in this…I hope you will forgive my lack of responding to the reviews. Thank you again for all the wonderful things you have said. I love you all. Rene**


	43. Chapter 42

Chapter 42 EPOV

I notified the hospital that I would need some time off for a few days to pick up Angela and to help with her readjustment at returning home. It had been well over six months since the twins had seen their mother. They had no time to even realize that Bella was gone.

_Bella was gone_.

Gone.

I still couldn't wrap my head around that fact. I couldn 't even begin to think about what that meant for me. Tonight I would be picking up Angela and today…well, today I had to somehow find a way not to think about the fact that my life was now over.

Well, perhaps over was too strong a word. It was beginning again in the sense that our family was complete once more. But it was over because I would live out my life without the love of my life.

And she was. She is.

I had to stop thinking about her but I couldn't. Every breath I took I inhaled her presence. Every time I looked around my home I saw her there. When I looked at my children I saw parts of Angela, but I also saw Bella. She was sewn into the fabric of my very existence and there was no denying that or holding the feelings back. My life would never be the same. It would always pale in comparison to the time that we had spent together.

I worried about how the twins would react to her absence. How would I explain her disappearance to my family and to Angela? How would I explain it to myself?

I realized I hurt her beyond what could be repaired. It would serve me right if she hated me now. And surely she did. But that was my plan was it not? To give her a clean and cold break so that she could hate me and in her anger turn her back on what we had and find another.

Bella with someone else. It was inconceivable really. It was also the rightful tortuous thought that would keep me from running after her. I never deserved her to begin with so what made me think I could ever hold on to her?

No, she was young and better off with someone else. I was too old and came with too much baggage. I made the right choice. I could have, perhaps, have been more sensitive in departing the information to her but what would that have done? If she had stayed for however long she would have had to witness me reunite with my wife. Live in the same house again with her. How would that have been better for her?

I took a deep breath.

Today would be one of the longest days of my life.

XXXXXXXXXX

I had spent the better part of the twins' waking hours taking out pictures of Angela and talking about 'mommy'. They had asked for Bella throughout the day and I just didn't know what to tell them. So I started saying things like 'she had to go back to her mommy and daddy." I actually didn't know where she went. But I had to tell them something.

Then Alice stopped by unannounced this morning and I blurted out to her that there was a family emergency. I didn't know what Bella wanted to tell my sister but I thought I would leave it up to her. If she wanted to tell Alice I knew that Alice would be discreet. If she didn't, well, that was her choice as well. I, for one, was not going to voluntarily tell her today. I had too many other things on my mind.

Alice did agree to stay the evening while I picked up Angela. She wanted to try to put together an impromptu welcome home party but I told her no. It was a nice idea but I thought it would be too much too soon. I needed to see how Angela was doing mentally before we subjected her to one of Alice's parties.

I stood at the airport waiting in a special room inside of the international terminal. The officials had warned me that there may be some extra red tape that she would have to go through while getting through customs. They also didn't want her to be subjected to any unnecessary press so they kindly offered a private room for us to reunite.

I was a nervous wreck. I was happy, of course, to see Angela again. Would she be able to tell that I was a changed man? Would she be changed? Would we ever be normal again?

I paced back and forth wringing my hands. Damnit how long was this going to take?

Eventually the door opened and two suited men came through the door followed by my wife. Somehow she looked smaller than I remembered. She had on plain jeans and an oversized sweatshirt with the American Embassy emblem on it.

"Angela!" I walked up to her and pulled her into my arms.

"Oh Edward!" she sobbed. She held on to me tightly and as I felt her body shake with tears. I felt my own well up in my throat. Thank God she was alive.

I buried my face into her neck and hair. I breathed in deeply. She smelled different but the familiar all at the same time. I couldn't imagine the horror of what she had been through.

I pulled away briefly. "Are you ok?" I asked.

She looked up into my eyes. Those same eyes that I had known for years. They glistened with her tears as she replied, "I am now."

She wiped her wet face with the sleeve of her shirt. "Where are Ethan and Hannah?" she asked as she looked around the room.

"They're at home sleeping. Alice is with them. Your flight was coming in too late so I thought it best to let them sleep. You'll see them when we get home."

"Yes, of course. You're right" she said. She looked confused to me.

"Are you sure you're ok?"

"Yes, yes, I'm fine. I'm just so tired. Can we go home now?" she asked.

I looked up questioningly to the men who were still in the room.

One of them replied that we were welcome to go but that the state department would be in touch for follow up interviews.

"Do you have any bags?" I asked her.

"No, I don't have anything" she replied meekly.

I hugged her immediately, "You have your family now and that's all you need."

XXXXXXXXXXXX

By the time we reached home it was after midnight. Alice was asleep on the couch. Emmett was also there but he was watching TV in the living room. It was a tearful reunion for everyone. Emmett informed us that Angela's parents were on their way and would arrive the next day sometime.

Angela looked dead on her feet so I encouraged her to go to bed.

"I don't want to go to sleep alone" she whispered to me.

"I wasn't going to let you sleep alone honey. I'm going to bed too."

We said goodnight to Alice and Emmett and went upstairs.

As we passed the twins' rooms Angela stopped and stared at the door.

"I just want to see them" she said.

"Of course" I said.

She opened the door and stood next to their beds just looking down at their sleeping forms. I could hear her sniffling and realized she was crying again.

"Come on honey, let's get you a hot shower and into bed. In a few hours they will be awake and you can really see them ok?"

She nodded her head and followed me to the bedroom.

She went into the bathroom and closed the door. I heard the shower go on and I readied myself for bed. As I laid on the bed I realized how nervous I was at that moment. Would Angela want to make love tonight? Surely she had been through too much for that right? I hadn't even begun thinking about the fact that we would be intimate again. Could I do it?

She took longer in the shower than I expected and eventually came out in a towel. She pulled out some old sweats and a tshirt and climbed into bed.

"Would it be ok if we just held each other tonight?" she asked.

"Of course honey. Whatever you want" I answered.

We snuggled down under the covers together. She laid her head on my shoulder and my arms were tucked in around her little body. I could feel her slightly shaking and knew she was crying again. I rubbed her back and told her quietly that she was home now and that everything would be ok.

I wondered in that moment if I was lying.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

I woke up just before the twins. Angela as sprawled out on the bed dead asleep. I didn't have the heart to wake her so I got up quietly and brushed my teeth. I headed into the kids' room just as they were waking up.

Alice and Emmett were still there. Emmett had slept in the guest room and Alice had stayed on the couch. They wanted to be close in case we needed anything.

I started making coffee which apparently woke up Alice. She insisted on making breakfast for everyone so I ran up to take a shower and get dressed. Through it all Angela did not wake up.

Her parents arrived around noon and it was at that point that I decided to wake her up. She was groggy but fine. She washed up and came downstairs only to be greeted by her crying mother who was near hysterics in her happiness.

"Where are Ethan and Hannah" she asked.

"Alice took them for their walk but they should be home any minute" I told her.

She seemed very anxious to see them.

The reunion with the children was somewhat difficult. Though they did not greet her like a stranger, they were a little hesitant at first. Angela, on the other hand, was showing more emotion in the last 24 hours than I had seen her display in the last ten years. She kept crying and holding the twins. Her crying startled them and so they started to cry. After a few minutes I had to intervene to try to calm everyone down.

The rest of the day Angela wasn't far from the twins' sides. When they played she either played with them or sat next to them and just watched. When they went up for a nap she sat in the rocking chair watching them. She didn't want to talk about what had happened to her, she just wanted to spend time with Ethan and Hannah to the exclusion of the rest of us.

I was overjoyed to see that she had missed the children so much.

It made me hopeful that perhaps this awful experience would bring her closer to what was important: her children…her family.

I also realized that she was suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. She was moody and emotional. She had hardly any appetite. She avoided talking about anything to do with the trip. I knew we would need to get her into therapy soon.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The first night that Angela was home I had worried needlessly that she would want to make love. I wasn't ready to make love to my wife after what I had shared with Bella. Luckily, after everything Angela had been through, sex was the last thing on her mind. I knew it was wrong but I felt relieved. I also knew it wouldn't last. At some point, I would have to face that hurdle.

The day after Angela came home was the first time I tried to contact Bella again. I started writing to her email. I just wanted to know that she was ok, that she was home. I knew I had no right to ask her where she was but I also knew I wouldn't rest until I knew she was safe.

As the days passed and there was still no answer I started to panic. I didn't have to speak to her directly but I had to find out _something_. I actually broke down and called her parents' house. I was unprepared for that conversation…they said she was fine but not at home and she didn't want anyone to know where she was. Obviously that message was meant for _me_.

Alice also mentioned that Bella wasm't responding to her emails. That did surprise me because I knew they were close. Alice was very hurt and I didn't know what to say to her. I knew I probably should have said something but I couldn't. That would mean me coming out with the whole story and that was definitely a Pandora's box that I hoped would remain closed.

Since coming home Angela was truly in her own world. The only mention of Bella was asking me when she left. I told her shortly before she came home. Another white lie. She didn't ask why. She didn't ask a lot of questions about anything really. She was 100% involved in the children. She didn't ask about getting in touch with her old job, keeping in contact with her family or friends…she ate, she slept and she took care of the babies.

That was it.

That was all.

I should probably have realized that there was a serious problem since she was acting completely out of character for her but I was so thrilled to have her be such a huge part of Ethan and Hannah's life for once that I was more than willing to overlook the disparity.

We actually did go to see her doctor at the hospital the first week she was back. Other than some slight malnutrition and dehydration the doctor said she was fine. Her blood work came back that she was also anemic. I pulled the doctor to the side to ask him about her behavior but he dismissed it as normal after such a traumatic experience. He suggested keeping to a regular schedule and letting her work out what was comfortable for her for now.

So that's what I did.

The twins really took to Angela again. Almost as if they remembered her from before. They still asked about Bella and after Angela heard my explanation to the twins she also started reciting the same thing back to them.

That Bella had to go back her mommy and daddy.

But now I knew that wasn't true.

Bella wasn't with mommy and daddy.

I had no idea where Bella was, nor did I know if I would ever know where she was again.

_Bella_.

My heart constricted just at the thought of her. I missed her so very much.

I knew when I made my choice to ask her to leave, to cut her loose, that I would probably never see her again. I didn't expect that I wouldn't know where she was. Maybe that was selfish of me or unreasonable, but I had to know that she was ok. I just had to.

I was starting to feel anxious…desperate. The idea that she was out there _somewhere_ but that I didn't know where she was or how to contact her if I needed to…it was driving me to distraction.

I assumed when she left that she would go home to her parents and eventually do some traveling or go back to school. But to disappear? I hadn't thought of that possibility.

I slowly began to realize many things that I hadn't considered.

**A/N:**

**Thanks to the usual suspects: Parama the magnificent! Louise the unbeatable Beta! Thank you to Indie Fic Pimp and Mama_Doofas for the amazing review of ATR. If you love this angsty story please vote for ATR at the The Sunflower Awards. You guys are the most amazing and enduring fans…thank you for sticking with us! WE LOVE YOU ALL! We are fast approaching 1000 reviews…WOW! THANK YOU for taking your time to review our story.**


	44. Chapter 43

Chapter 43 EPOV

I finally convinced Angela to go to a psychologist in order to try to deal with what happened to her. She didn't think anything was wrong with her. I knew better.

There wasn't a day in all of the years we had known each other that Angela wasn't obsessed with her future and her career. Since coming home, she refused to talk about anything to do with her job or with her kidnapping. After pressing her with these facts over a period of days, she finally relented and said she would give it a try.

After her first two consultations, the psychologist recommended twice weekly visits. Sometimes she came home morose and went straight to bed. Other times she came home excited and happy and full of energy. I never knew what to expect.

At bedtime on the days she came home happy, she would usually start kissing me and touching me. Clearly she wanted to have sex. Initially, I panicked. It's not that I didn't love Angela but my feelings had changed. I now viewed her as more of a friend than my wife, and it was hard for me to imagine making love to her. Luckily, on those few occasions, fate stepped in to save me. Once Ethan started crying, another time I was paged by the hospital. Once I actually said no and told her I wasn't feeling well.

I knew the time was coming when I wouldn't be able to rely on something 'coming up' to avoid being with her. I couldn't out right turn her down again. I was afraid it would devastate her and I didn't want to hurt her that way. I also realized that at some point we would have to get back to being a normal married couple. And normal meant having sex. If I was to make a legitimate go at my marriage, then I had to step up and make the effort to return things to normal.

All I could think of when I contemplated sleeping with Angela again was how wrong it felt.

It felt like I was cheating.

And it was.

It was cheating on my love for Bella.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Six weeks.

Thirty seven emails to Bella.

No answer.

What was I doing? Why couldn't I really let her go?

The answer was obvious of course. I loved her. But I knew I loved her when I let her go. I made the conscious decision that letting her go was the best for her. The best for all of us.

But was it? Was it really?

If it was the right decision, why did every molecule in my body scream for her in her absence? Every place I looked in my home reminded me of her. Every song on the radio, every dinner Monica cooked, every laugh from the twins brought thoughts of Bella.

I realized too late that _it would always _be_ Bella_.

That old saying 'you can't fight fate' had new meaning for me now. I fought against it and in the end it won.

In reality, even though I professed to want to make my family life- my marriage- work, I continued looking for Bella. I wrote emails begging her to contact me.

I was such a hypocrite. The absolute worst kind.

I sent Bella away so that she could have a normal life without dealing with all of my baggage. And what did I do? I was incapable of really letting her go. I didn't do it consciously. I wanted to do the right thing. I had convinced myself that I_ was_ doing the right thing.

But through it all, I kept trying to get in touch with her.

I knew when I made my decision that I would have to live without my true love. I knew it would be hard. I knew it would be challenging and I knew it would be lonely at times. What I hadn't expected was the complete and utter emptiness that I would feel every day.

Each morning I awoke with a little bit of hope that _this _day would be just a bit easier than the day before. It would go a little faster. I would find a morsel of joy to hold on to.

Each day the pain was worse. It never abated. Not even for a few hours.

Bella was the drug I was incapable of living without. Much like the drugs that transplant patients would forever be taking or risk losing their new organ… that was Bella for me. My heart- no, my soul- was now at risk.

There was no going back. I didn't know where Bella was, she wasn't in touch with Alice and her parents wouldn't tell me anything.

This was a lifetime sentence for me. I committed myself to a prison I couldn't break out of.

_Suck it up, Cullen… this was your choice!_

XXXXXXXXX

I finally stopped emailing Bella. What was the point? She obviously hated me and wanted nothing more to do with me.

I had made my choice and now I had to make the best of it. I realized how unfair I was being to Angela. I thought that offering her the home she had left was the right thing to do. And I still believed that. What I didn't realize at the time was that the home she left no longer existed. The man she married was no longer the same.

As the days passed and Angela started to get better, I saw glimpses of the woman I used to know. She started to go in to work again. Not every day, but more than before. She still didn't want to talk about the kidnapping, but she did start talking about how she now realized how much she had taken for granted.

She said she thought she would never see the twins again and that had devastated her. She said going forward that she would make her family a priority and find more balance in her life. I was overjoyed. She was finally doing the things that I had always hoped for. Monica had stepped up to help out with the twins but Angela insisted on doing most of the work.

But it wasn't enough. It would never _be_ enough.

Why?

Because she wasn't Bella.

XXXXXXXXXXX

It was one of those nights when Angela came home happy from her therapy. I knew what was going to happen and I was avoiding going up to bed.

_Snap out of it, Cullen! What the hell is wrong with you?_

It was time.

It had been over a year, and it was time.

_I love her_. I kept repeating that to myself. _I love her. We love each other_.

She was the mother of my children. She was my wife. She was my partner. She was my life. I thought she was gone, but she was still here.

It had been over a year. It was time.

I thought lighting some candles or playing soft music might help set the mood after so long, but that was not our style. Funny, I never thought that was my style. Why did I think of that? Candles? Music? Oh that's right… _her_.

Saying no again was not an option. It wouldn't be right. _I love her_. She is my wife. It has been over a year. It is time.

I looked at the clock, 10:35 p.m. If I waited any longer, she would be asleep, and it would be another day gone by and I would be in the same situation again tomorrow night. I put my book down and turned off all the lights downstairs. I made sure all the doors were locked, peeked into the nursery to check on the twins, and headed upstairs to our bedroom.

When I entered our bedroom there she was, lying on our bed under the covers, but propped up on the pillows. She wore an emerald green nightgown that displayed her breasts perfectly. She had a book in her hands.

"Hey there," she said, putting her book away.

"Hey yourself," I replied.

I headed over to her side of the bed and sat down. "You look beautiful in this," I said as I fingered the strap of her nightgown.

"It reminded me of your eyes," she said.

I looked deep into her crystal blue eyes and saw all the years we had known each other. I saw our daughter and son. I also saw the uncertainty. Uncertainty, of what I was not sure… of us? Of me? Of herself? Had I placed that uncertainty there?

My guilt started to rear its ugly head. She didn't deserve that. I would have to do better.

I leaned over and kissed her softly. It had been so long. Her lips were soft and supple. They were different. I was different. We were different. I pulled back and looked deep into her eyes again.

"I'll be right back," I said.

I went to the bathroom, washed up, brushed my teeth and got undressed. I looked at myself in the mirror for a few minutes and I wasn't sure I recognized the face that I saw there.

I went back to the bed and got under the covers naked. I always slept naked and tonight was no different.

I reached for her and touched her face, tracing over her cheekbones and her jaw line. I began kissing her neck slowly and working up to her jaw and mouth. I kissed her deeply, tasting the all too familiar scent that was my wife. I remembered it well. We were hesitant with each other. It had been a long time.

I pulled down the straps of her nightgown, exposing her breasts to me, and began a descent of kisses from her mouth to chest. I palmed each breast in turn, slightly pinching her nipples and hearing her moan in response. I knew her body, every curve and corner. I knew all its secrets; where to touch and how to please her. Yet it all seemed alien to me now.

I pulled myself away from such ponderings. I needed to stay focused. I could feel myself slowly get hard when I heard her little noises. We would be ok. I could do this. _I love her_.

I pulled the nightgown off of her completely and slowly nudged her thighs apart. My left hand slowly rubbed the upper part of her left leg and worked its way to the apex of her thighs. I reached her center, placing my fingers on her lips and began rubbing them up and down. I could feel her wetness and placed my thumb on her clit. I rubbed it slowly in a circular motion as I inserted my finger into her. I heard her softly groan.

"Honey, please… it's been too long." She panted.

I drew my hand away and settled myself between her legs. My cock rested at her entrance as we looked into each other's eyes.

"I've missed you so much," she said.

"And I you," I replied.

Then I entered her, slowly, gently. I thrust into her unhurriedly and set my pace to her. She seemed distant, disconnected in some way. Or was that me?

I could feel my orgasm build slowly, and as our bodies began moving faster, her moaning became louder. I could feel her walls begin to tighten around me and I knew she was close. I closed my eyes and buried my face in her neck. I could picture chocolate brown eyes staring back at me. As I inhaled, I could smell the strawberry and freesia scent of _her_ hair. I could feel myself getting even harder and my body reacting to my vision.

I moved faster toward my climax, and when I came I imagined saying her name loudly in my mind. My body shuddered through its climax as I realized that my wife had suddenly frozen beneath me.

"Are you ok?" I asked her.

She violently pushed me off of her and jumped out of the bed.

"What the fuck was that?" she asked.

"What do you mean? I was making love to my wife," I said. What the hell was her problem?

"Nooooo," she said, "it sounded to me like you were making love to someone else. Do you want to explain to me why you yelled out Bella's name just now?"

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

Dear God, what had I done?

**A/N:**

**Happy VD everyone! Special thanks to my amazing beta Louise who did this immediately and therefore I took it as a sign to get it to you on VD! We surpassed 1000 reviews…yeah! Thanks for everyone who takes extra time to review…I know it is not always the easiest thing to do.**

**Thank you Parama my partner in crime and extra special friend.**

**Well, we have reached the Prologue…finally! What did you think? Can't wait to hear…**


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